Again

  “Emi, it’s me,” Sydney said from outside her door. “We need to talk.”

  As painful as it was to hear Cristina confirm what she’d been dreading, she was glad she’d spoken to her. There was strength in anger, and she knew now she was going to need all the strength in the world to get through this next conversation.

  Feeling strangely calm, she approached the door. After a long deep breath, she reached for the doorknob and turned it. The moment she opened it and saw his beautiful face looking down at her so repentantly, she was overcome with a mixture of rage and excruciating pain.

  Before he could say a word, she slapped him so hard the pain shot right down to her elbow, but she welcomed the pain. She needed something to drown out the crushing blow to her heart.

  “You bastard!” she cried. “You lying, cheating, fucking bastard! How could you!”

  The moment he took a step forward, she practically jumped back, not wanting him anywhere near her. Sydney stepped in quickly, closing the door behind him.

  “What is it you want to talk about?” she screamed through her tears, her voice completely hoarse now. “How you’ve been having an affair with her all this time? How many times you fucked her these past few days?”

  “I didn’t,” he said, and for all the hysterical crying she was doing, she believed him.

  “Then what were you doing with her?’

  “I just needed time.”

  “For what?” she demanded.

  “I’m sorry, Em. I should’ve done this sooner. I just didn’t think—”

  “Do what?” she asked, feeling a complete panic sear through her.

  She’d just slapped him, called him a lying, cheating bastard and accused him of fucking someone else, yet her heart was still holding out hope this could somehow be fixed? What the hell was wrong with her? Why wasn’t she telling him to go to hell?

  Searching his equally tormented eyes, she knew why. He loved her. Despite everything that had happened in the past two days, the adoration in his eyes, the same one she saw when he kissed her, held her, made love to her, was still there. It was full of pain, but he hadn’t stopped loving her just like that, gotten over her like she’d begun to fear. It was as impossible as it would be for her to get over him.

  “I should’ve told you I was falling for her.”

  It was happening again. Somewhere between her lungs and her mouth, her breath was stuck. When she was finally able to string a few words together, she asked, “You’re in love with her?”

  “Yes,” he said, but she was staring into his eyes, and she saw the insincerity, and she shoved his chest as hard as her two hands could.

  “Why are you doing this?” she yelled, shoving him again. “Why are you lying to me? Why are you trying to hurt me?”

  “I’m not,” he said, making no attempt to block her still swinging hands. “I’d never want to hurt you. I just—”

  “Then why are you lying!”

  “I’m not lying, Em. I fell in love with her—”

  “Liar!” she screamed, feeling hysterical. “Stop saying that. You can’t love her just like I can’t love anyone else. I’ll never love anyone else because I’m in love with you—just like you love me. We’re soul mates, remember? You said it yourself.”

  Sydney grasped her flinging hands in an attempt to calm her. “I know I did, but shit happens, babe.”

  “Shit happens?” she screamed. “Shit happens?” She tried in vain to come loose from his hold because suddenly she wanted nothing more than to slap him again. “Is that really how you’re explaining this bullshit? Shit happens!”

  “I never thought I’d fall for her, Em. I didn’t think things would go this far.”

  “How far?” she asked, searching his eyes.

  He’d already said he hadn’t fucked Cristina; he wasn’t going to take that back too. Was he? Take it back like all the times he’d swore he’d love Emi forever.

  “That I’d fall for her like I have.” He glanced away for a moment then met her eyes again “I didn’t think I’d be forced to make such a hard decision.”

  Even as another knife was plunged through her heart, the jealous fury overpowered it. “You don’t have to!” she said, yanking away from him, and he finally let her go. “I’ll make it easy for you.”

  Her chest heaved as she stared at him now, and even then she still saw it. It didn’t matter what he was saying to her, how many times he told her he’d fallen for someone else. She still saw what she’d seen and felt just the other night, the night before the nightmare started when he’d made love to her last. Sydney was still as hopelessly in love with her as she was with him.

  She took a step forward and saw the moment of weakness when he closed his eyes. Even if he was feeling torn between two women, which Emi’s heart still refused to believe, she could not understand how he’d make such sudden decision. Why he was doing this?

  As he tried reaching for her hand, she saw it again the moment he closed his eyes. He, too, was hurting about all this. But when she was close enough, she saw something else flicker in an instant. His brows furrowed and his eyes went a bit harder. It scared her, but she was still certain about one thing he wouldn’t—couldn’t—do.

  “Look at me,” she said, her lips trembling as the anger drained away replaced with a sudden overwhelming terror. “Tell me you don’t love me anymore.”

  Her eyes were momentarily distracted by the movement of his Adam’s apple as he, too, swallowed back emotion. “Em, don’t do this.” His words were a strained whisper.

  “Say it,” she demanded. “I wanna hear you say that you don’t love me anymore.”

  He glanced around uncomfortably, his hardened expression somewhat beaten down. Emi stood her ground, knowing that even if he didn’t say it, they still had a mountain of obstacles to tackle before this could be fixed. But it’d be a start.

  What scared her most and what she’d been trying not to think about these last few days and weeks was the only way this would make sense: if he’d begun to fall for Cristina the amazing woman before Mando had even passed. That once Mando passed and Sydney spent so much time on the phone with her—consoling her—he’d been falling even harder. Maybe all the time he’d thought it inappropriate to pursue her because it was too soon since Mando died, and now here he was confirming just that. Emi's heart beat wildly, terrified about the possibility that he might actually say he didn’t love her.

  His head lowered slowly until they were nearly forehead to forehead, and then he stopped, his red-rimmed eyes looking into hers with conviction. “I don’t love you anymore. I’m sorry.”

  Her mouth fell open as her heart completely shattered. She stared into what felt like soulless eyes now. His beautiful eyes had never looked at her so coldly before, and as much as her heart didn’t want to believe it, she had to now.

  “Get out,” she whispered, using every ounce of strength she could muster to not fall apart.

  After everything he’d just said to her—taken from her forever—she had to hold on to the tiniest bit of dignity she had left.

  “Em, I’m—”

  “Get out,” she screamed, and he rushed away.

  The moment he was out the door she threw herself on her sofa and cried hysterically. Never in her life had she imagined feeling the kind of pain she felt at that moment. She cried so hard it was hard to catch her breath sometimes. There were moments she feared she was having some kind of mental breakdown because she thought she might lose her mind. How in the world would she ever get over Sydney? How would she ever get over hearing him say the worst thing he could ever say to her?

  As much as her sister had assured her before they’d hung up that, no matter what happened, she’d get through it—they’d get through it together—this was something Emi knew she’d never recover from. Ever.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Sydney

  A week after that horrible day, when Sydney had been forced to break Emi’s heart as he had, he finally re
turned Lynn’s calls. That whole week he’d responded with vague texts. He wasn’t ready to talk about this yet even now. The only reason he was calling her now was because he’d gotten a call from Isaiah, which he didn’t answer, then a text asking if Emi was with him. She wasn’t answering her phone or returning anyone’s texts, and they were getting worried. It worried Sydney, but not too much. He’d heard from her that day for the first time since the day he’d ended their relationship, and she’d been drunk.

  It wasn’t unheard of to get drunk when you were depressed. His ass had the night he got back from breaking things off with her and several more times since. Stone cold drunk. He told himself it was the only reason why he’d cried each time. Sydney had never been a crier. Even when his dad passed, he’d shed a few bitter tears, but mostly he kept it together for his mom’s sake. He’d cried so much this past week his own drunken reflection had finally told his bitch ass to man up and grow a pair already.

  If this was how he was handling this, it was understandable why Emi wouldn’t want to take her siblings’ calls in that condition. Sydney hadn’t answered her calls, but she’d left a series of short messages. In each one, she’d slurred and cussed like a drunken sailor. From the sound of it, she’d likely passed out. Knowing Emi, it hadn’t even taken an entire small bottle of wine for her to get that hammered. But in between angry messages, she’d left ones where she’d sobbed, choking Sydney up in the process. It’d be a while, if ever, for him to get past feeling the dark despair himself. He’d already had his moments of weakness, but he forced himself not to call her. He hadn’t gone down to check on her when he got Isaiah’s text. He refused to give her any false hope. As heart-wrenching as this was, his mind was made up. This was for the best.

  Telling her he didn’t love her had by far been the hardest thing he’d ever done, but he’d be damned if he’d ever do it again. He’d stupidly thought that would be the most difficult part about this whole thing. That after that it was all downhill and things would slowly start to feel better. She’d move on, be happy again with someone else as she deserved, and the pain would subside with time. But the pain had only gotten worse with every day that passed. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. The immense hole he felt in his heart had gotten bigger with each day that passed. The idea that somehow this would get easier felt more impossible now than it did a week ago.

  Lynn had called a few hours prior, but he’d wanted to wait until he was home to talk to her. It’d be a challenge, but he had to get through this conversation without letting Lynn in his head. He gathered himself as best as he could then, finally, called her.

  “Oh, thank God!” was how Lynn answered her phone. “Are you guys okay?”

  “I’m fine,” he said, closing his eyes.

  “What about Emi?”

  “Not sure. I haven’t talked to her in about a week.” Or slept or eaten much or felt like living.

  “So it’s true?”

  “That we broke up? Yeah.”

  “Why? Please tell me what she suspected isn’t true. You didn’t have an affair with Mando’s widow, did you?”

  “It’s not an affair,” he said, squeezing his eyes shut because like Emi he was certain Lynn would call him on his next statement. “I fell in love with her. It couldn’t be helped.”

  She was quiet for a moment and then said, “Okay, so what’s the real truth?”

  Sydney had to smirk, though he didn’t feel the least bit amused. He’d just known all along that if anyone would question this, it would be Lynn.

  “It is the real truth. I’ve been getting closer to her for a year now, and I didn’t even realize it was happening.”

  “For the last year, you’ve been hopelessly trying to deny the fact that you were falling for Emi,” she reminded him then gasped. “Did you tell her you’re in love with Cristina?”

  “I did. I had to be honest with her, Lynn.”

  “Oh, Jesus. She was inconsolable when I spoke with her last, and that’s when she was just suspecting you might be doing something with Cristina. How did she take it?”

  “Not very well,” he said, wincing as he remembered.

  “Her siblings haven’t been able to get a hold of her today. You have any idea where she might be?

  “Home. She’s probably passed out,” he said simply. “She’ll be fine. She called me a few times today and left a few drunken messages.”

  “What did she say?”

  “I’ll spare you the details,” he said with a frown as he poured himself a glass of wine. “I’ll just tell you this. It wasn’t very Christian.”

  “This isn’t funny.”

  “Who’s laughing?”

  He certainly wasn’t, not even when he’d listened to Emi’s drunken rant mimicking his and Cristina’s conversation about public schools vs. private schools. She’d lowered her voice extra low when she loosely quoted him, making him sound extra stupid. “You can’t just assume private schools are academically superior. Factors, demographics. Ooh, listen to me. I’m so smart. Blah, blah, blah.”

  “Are you home now too?” Lynn asked.

  “Yeah.” He put the wine bottle back into the refrigerator and started toward the front room.

  “You’re going to have to tell me the truth eventually, Syd. But right now, I think you should either get out of there or do not open your door if someone comes knocking.”

  “I am telling you the truth,” he said, sitting back in one of the lounging chairs in his front room. “And what are you talking about don’t open my door?”

  “Sydney Maricopa, if you think for a second I believe that you just up and left Emi for another woman when just weeks ago you told me you had no idea life could be this good, you are out of your mind.”

  Sydney took a deep breath. “I did her a favor, Lynn. She’s probably better off with Sabian. He’d take care of her, give her a good life. They could grow old together.”

  “And she can’t do that with you?”

  He took a drink of his wine but didn’t respond to that.

  “What is going on with you, Sydney? I can only imagine the pain she’s feeling right now, but what I can’t for the life of me understand is why you’d so coldly do something like this. This isn’t you.”

  Sydney pinched the rim of his nose, letting his head fall back. “God damn it,” he muttered.

  “What?” she demanded.

  “This is exactly why I hadn’t wanted to talk to you. Why I hadn’t returned your calls.”

  “Why?” she asked with just as much conviction. “Because you knew I’d call you on your bullshit.”

  “Yes!”

  “I knew it! So what is it? Why are you doing this, Sydney? Why are you breaking that poor girl’s heart?”

  “Because I had to,” he said then added something he knew Lynn would believe. “I had to do the honorable thing.

  “Sydney,” she said, her voice going a bit cautious. “Did . . . did you get Cristina pregnant?”

  The loud knock at his door startled him, and he remembered Lynn’s earlier warning. “Someone’s at my door,” he said, setting his wine glass down on the coffee table.

  “Don’t open it!” she said too alarmed.

  “Open up, Syd!” A guy yelled from the other side. “I wanna talk to you.”

  “I think it’s A.J.”

  “Oh, my God!” she gasped. “Do not open that door.”

  Sydney rolled his eyes, standing up. He got that Em’s brother would likely be pissed that he’d broken his sister’s heart, but what was he going to do? Come at him for not wanting to be with her anymore? They were both adults. They could talk this out.

  He walked to the door as Lynni continued to urge him not to and reminded him of A.J.’s reputation of being a hothead. How all of her siblings had been going nuts that day trying to get a hold of her.

  “Relax,” he said as he unlocked the deadbolt and reached for the doorknob. “He said he wants to talk.”

  He’d barely turned the knob w
hen the door was pushed open, and A.J. grabbed him by his shirt. “What the fuck did you do to my sister?”

  Sydney stumbled back as her other two brothers rushed in behind A.J. and attempted to pull him off Sydney. Chaos ensued for a moment as Sydney tried to get loose from A.J.’s death grip on his shirt and the brothers yelled and cussed at each other to calm the fuck down while A.J. continued to demand what he’d done to Emi.

  When he was able to pull free, he took a step back as Isaiah and Nathan struggled to hold A.J. back.

  “I didn’t do anything but break things off,” Sydney said calmly. “It just wasn’t working out.”

  “So just like that?” A.J. asked, trying even harder to break free from his brothers. “You tell her you love her, have your way with her for a few months, and then just dump her?”

  “That’s not—”

  Isaiah spun around and charged Sydney this time, backing him up against the wall. Sydney didn’t try to fight him because, unlike A.J., Isaiah didn’t look like he was out for blood. Isaiah looked pissed, but he also looked like he had more on his mind than just murder. He held one menacing hand up to his youngest brother, so A.J. stopped and waited.

  “I don’t know what’s going on,” Isaiah said, right in Sydney’s face. “All I know is that my baby sister is downstairs so drunk she can barely talk. She won’t stop crying, and the one thing she keeps saying is your fucking name. I’m a reasonable man, and I’ve been told you’re a good guy, Syd. If all this drama is over a breakup, then we’ll deal with it—deal with her. But God help you if I find out you willfully set out to hurt my sister.” He gripped Sydney’s shirt even tighter. “If I find out you played with her heart just to get what you wanted when all along you knew you’d be tossing her aside once you were done, I’m coming back for you.”

  Sydney nodded, staring right back into Isaiah’s eyes, and then turned to her other two brothers. “Fair enough.” Isaiah stared at him a moment longer before releasing his shirt. “Look. I’m sorry she’s hurting, but I can assure you this was in no way planned. Emi’s a sweet girl. I do care about her, and I’d never willfully hurt her. It was why I broke things off when I realized things weren’t working out.”