Again

  Emi dashed away without answering. She’d have to explain later, but there was no way she could stand there even a minute longer. What an idiot she’d been to think seeing him today would be a good thing! That this would give her the closure she needed.

  Already she knew she’d get zero sleep tonight and she’d be back to crying herself to sleep for days, probably longer.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Emilia

  The entire blurry drive home all Emi had been able to think about were the sleeping pills in the bathroom cabinet. She’d taken one occasionally on some of her worst nights. Today the thought of taking a handful to help wash away the unbearable pain had been almost too tempting. She sat on her bed now, hours after she’d gotten home, completely exhausted from the crying.

  “It’s over, okay?” she whispered as she stared at her empty bottle of water. “You made it. You didn’t even touch the wine this time. You’re stronger because of this. Accept that as a good thing. Progress.”

  The only reason she’d even dragged herself out of bed and into the kitchen was because her body was begging for more fluids. She was halfway there when she heard the first ping on her phone and she ignored it. She’d check it when she got back to her room.

  Even though she didn’t feel the least bit hungry, she forced herself to eat. The whole day she’d been so tense and busy with the catering stuff she hadn’t eaten anything. Sydney had done enough to her already. She wasn’t going to let him make her sick too.

  After heating up half a bagel and smothering some peanut butter on it, she grabbed a banana and a couple of bottled waters from the fridge and headed back to her room. Halfway there she heard her phone ringing and figured it was one of her brothers, or maybe even Livi, calling to see how the party had gone. In no hurry to tell them about it, she didn’t rush to try and answer. It stopped ringing just as she entered her room.

  To her surprise, it was a number with a weird area code she didn’t recognize. Dropping the phone on her bed, she didn’t think anything of it. Then she froze as her heart rate sped up. She set her food and waters down on the bed and picked up the phone again and stared at the number. It was an Arizona area code. Remembering her phone pinging earlier, she tapped the small unread text she had from the same number and read it.

  Emi, is it possible for us to talk? There’s something very important I need to discuss with you, and I don’t care how upset this may make my pigheaded son. It’s imperative that I tell you about it.

  The text was as intriguing as it was disheartening. Whatever it was Frances wanted to discuss with her, Sydney didn’t want her to. Yet Emi’s heart was already fluttering with that same obstinate hope. Emi thought back to how pleased Frances was with their union way back. Was it possible Frances was just being a meddling mother trying to get her way in her son’s love life? As flattering as that was, it was the last thing Emi’s heart needed, tenuous but dangerous optimism.

  Emi stood there staring at the text debating on how she should respond. If she should respond at all. Then her phone pinged again. Frances’s second text popped up right below her previous one.

  I’m outside your home. I know you were upset when you left. You might be asleep now. But I’ll give it a few minutes before I leave. You can call me later. I just hoped to do this in person. If you’re reading this, I do hope you’ll give me a few minutes of your time.

  Beyond curious now, Emi texted she’d be opening the security gate for her then rushed to slip on her flip-flops and threw a sweatshirt over her head. One glance in the mirror and she knew Frances would know just how upset seeing Sydney had made her because her face was one puffy mess. But there was no sense in trying to clean herself up. Already she could feel the stupid lump in her throat gearing up for another inevitable cry.

  She walked down the back stairs to where Frances would be driving up into the large circular driveway. Frances was already there and out of her car, leaning against the passenger door. To Emi’s surprise, she looked upset herself. Her eyes were red and a bit puffy too.

  “Is something wrong?” Emi asked, slowing down as she walked toward Frances, who didn’t move away from the car.

  Frances nodded, alarming Emi further. “Sydney hasn’t been honest with you, Emi. He hadn’t been with me either. He knew I’d tell you and now here I am. I just wish I’d known sooner.”

  “You mean about Cristina?” Emi asked, hating how powerless she was to keep her stupid lip from quivering. “He was honest,” she said, her voice already straining. “He was brutally honest.”

  “No.” His mother shook her head. “He’s not in love with her, Emi. He loves you.”

  Emi crossed her arms in front of her. The disappointment she was feeling was almost too unbearable to take, but the anger that swept over her now drowned out the pain a little. So Sydney hadn’t told his mommy the ugly truth.

  “He’s been with her over a year now, Frances,” she said, trying not to sound too bitter, but his mother needed to accept this too. “He told me he’s in love with her. That he didn’t love me anymore.” She swatted the tears away even as Frances continued to shake her head with that same pained expression. “He wore that fucking fedora for her today. He hates hats, but she loves them.”

  Why she was so hung up on that she didn’t know, but she was. Strangely, that softened Frances’s expression. “Is that what you think?”

  “I know it, Frances,” she said, swatting more tears away, glad that her siblings weren’t here. They might be rude to his mother even though she didn’t deserve it. It wasn’t her fault her son turned out to be such a coldhearted asshole. She was just being as hopeful as Emi had been for too long.

  “Oh, honey, that hat has nothing to do with her. I don’t even think he knew she was going to be there.”

  Emi scoffed humorlessly, glad for the rage she was suddenly feeling. She needed it now more than ever. “They walked in together!”

  “Okay, I don’t know anything about that,” Frances said quickly. “But, please, listen to me. I thought you knew about everything that’s been going on—that your break up was completely unrelated. It broke my heart today when he told me that you didn’t know. That he didn’t want you to—”

  “I do know,” Emi cried out. “I know about it all and this has to stop now. It’s over, Frances. He doesn’t want me.” The words took her breath away, and she struggled to get the rest out. “I need to accept that and move on. You do too.”

  “No,” Frances said, touching Emi’s arm gently. “He does love you.”

  “Stop it!” Emi said, recoiling away from Frances’s hand. “This isn’t helping me. I know you think it is, but—”

  “That hat he wore,” Frances said, her voice a little louder, “was to cover the scar.”

  Emi stared at her, not understanding, as her chest heaved, and she tried in vain to compose herself. “Scar?”

  “He had a procedure done last week,” Frances continued, her expression back to that pained one she wore earlier. “Last year he was diagnosed with a benign growth in his brain like the one that took his father’s life. He told me about it immediately, but he never told me it was why he broke up with you.”

  Emi’s mouth fell open as she brought her hand over her mouth, barely able to catch her breath.

  “He didn’t tell me he never told you until today. He didn’t want you to suffer the fate I did—the same fate Cristina did—to have to lose a husband at such a young age and possibly leave you with a family to care for all by yourself. He knew your love for him wouldn’t let you just walk away from him, so he took matters into his own hands, and now he’s even more convinced he did the right thing.”

  Shaking her head, Emi was almost afraid to ask. “Why?”

  “The procedure he had done was because the growth is now a tumor. They went in last week to check if it’s possible to remove it in its entirety or if it’s too risky.”

  “And what did they find?”

  “It’s removable, but ther
e’s a risk, one he’s going to take. Today, when I begged him to tell you—that it wasn’t fair to you because I know you’d want to be there for him—he was adamant about it. He doesn’t know I’m here, Emi.” Frances took a long trembling breath. “His surgery is in a few days. It was why he came today. He wanted to see you one last time in case . . .”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Sydney

  Sydney was dead and in heaven now, despite how much pain he’d inflicted while still alive. Everything his mother had said about heaven and angels was true. He felt no pain, and the angel smiling at him was exactly what his mother had told him to expect. She was in the form of the most beautiful creature he could ever imagine. He’d been listening to her magical voice for a while now. Her song, like words spoken in his ears, said everything he wanted to hear.

  “I love you so much.”

  It was the one phrase she repeated most often. His mother had also said his angel would be his choice completely. He could choose her and everything about her. It was how he knew he was in heaven. She sounded exactly as he’d have her sound. Staring at her now even through the haze, she looked exactly like what he pictured. She was beautiful—more than beautiful—and Sydney didn’t just love her; he adored her. He’d been trying to tell her so for a long time, but he couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move his lips. All he could do was stare at her in awe as she smiled down at him with that same loving expression she had the entire time.

  It was absolute bliss to look in those beautiful eyes. He felt his hand and arm being elevated, and then he saw it was her lifting it to her mouth, and she kissed it gently several times before placing it against her cheek. It was soft and warm, and he wished to God he could sit up and hug her. Take her in his arms.

  “I . . .”

  Only the one word left his lips and she froze. Her eyes widened as she stared at him.

  “What is it?” she asked, sounding a little alarmed. “Are you in pain?”

  Finally, Sydney was able to move as he shook his head slowly then tried to speak again. “No.” Her other hand was at her mouth now, and then she kissed his hand again. “I love you,” he said then smiled because he’d been dying to say it for so long. “My God, I adore you.”

  Her face scrunched suddenly, and everything began to fall apart. She was crying. He didn’t mean to make his angel cry, and then a dull ache started up in his head. This was heaven. There wasn’t supposed to be crying or pain in heaven.

  She took a gasping breath as she brought his hand to her face again and wept openly now. Suddenly, her head was on his chest as she continued to cry. Then another person appeared: another woman, though she wasn’t nearly as beautiful as his angel. Then his mom was there, smiling down at him also crying.

  “You’re gonna be just fine,” she said as she, also, brought her trembling hand over her mouth.

  His angel lifted her head from his chest and smiled. “Yes, he is.” She leaned in and kissed his lips softly as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

  Heaven.

  “And when you are and I get you home,” she said, her lips still grazing his, “I’m gonna kill you.”

  Sydney’s eyes flew open just in time to see her smirk even through her tears. The other woman just behind her, the one he didn’t recognize, caught his attention when she lifted something white in the air. It took him a second to realize it was a bed sheet. His sheet. He was lying in a bed, not floating on a cloud in paradise, and suddenly a pair of cold fingers on his cock made him flinch.

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Maricopa,” the woman said. “I just needed to make sure your catheter is still in place.

  Wait a minute!

  This wasn’t heaven. The dull ache in his head began to throb and he winced. “Here,” his angel said, handing him a small gadget connected to some kind of wire. “Press it if you need it.”

  “What is it?”

  She smiled big, turning to his mom. “The slurring is completely gone.” She turned back to Sydney; her bright eyes made his heart swell. “It’s for the pain, baby. You press it if it gets too bad.”

  With the throbbing kicking in, Sydney pressed the button without asking. It wasn’t until his muddled mind began to clear the tiniest bit, making him remember where he was and that Emi was sitting in his room, not an angel in her image, that he thought to ask. “What’s in this?”

  His eyes followed the wire that was actually a small tube connected from his arm to a bag hanging by his bed.

  “It’s morphine,” the lady who he now gathered was his nurse said as she adjusted the bag and made notes on a clipboard. “But only so much can be administered, no matter how much you click. So don’t worry about overdoing it. Click away.”

  “Shit,” he said as he felt the instant heaviness in his eyelids.

  “What’s wrong,” Emi asked.

  “It’s gonna knock me out.” His words were already slower.

  “It’s okay. You need to rest and . . .”

  Emi’s words began to float away. Sydney wanted to say he didn’t want to be knocked out. He had questions—lots of them. Like why Emi was there? And what did she mean when she got him home? She didn’t really think he was going to let her take on the burden of nursing him back to health or that he’d changed his mind about not wanting her to deal with his unpredictable future? But it was too late. Within seconds, he was back to floating in the clouds, and his angel was whispering in his ear again. “I love you so much.”

  ~~~

  Sydney’s mother was the last of his visitors to leave days after his release from the hospital. With everyone coming and going, this would be first time since he’d been awake and in his full cognizance that he’d get a chance to speak with Emi alone. The pain meds he’d been taking even after he’d left the hospital still kept him a little loopy. With the pain being much easier to take now, Sydney had refused to take them since early in the morning. He needed to have a clear mind when he had this serious conversation with Emi.

  Obviously, Emi knew all about his health now, and from the looks of it, she had no plans to walk away. Yet despite his inability to keep his hands and lips off her and how complete his life felt with her back in it, he still had his reservations about this.

  Judging by the fact that she hadn’t left his side since he woke from his surgeries, Sydney had a feeling his mentioning this would not go over well, but he had to at least try.

  Emi had walked his mom down to the car that was picking her up to take her to the airport. She walked back into his apartment, sat down next to him, leaning her elbow against the sofa, and shook her head for a moment without saying anything. The corner of her lip lifted as she tilted her head. “Can I kill you now?”

  Sydney took her hand in his. “Em, I still don’t think—”

  “Don’t you dare,” she said, snatching her hand back. “Don’t you fucking dare.”

  “Em!” he said, surprised at her use of profanity.

  “Do you have any idea what you put me through?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “No, sorry doesn’t even begin to cut it, Sydney.” Her eyes were welling up, and he reached for her hand, but she pulled away. “How could you just decide something that huge for me? How could you possibly still think I’d ever agree to that?”

  “Because it was too much to ask—”

  “Too much to ask?” she said, raising her voice. “That I stand by the man I love in his hour of need? For better or for worse, remember? We may not be married yet, but I love you with all my heart.” Her voice cracked, but she shook her head as if she were angry. Her voice betrayed her, and she took a deep breath, lifting her chin. “And another thing. Your mother told me everything, but there some things she didn’t have the answers to, and I want them now. Did anything ever happen between you and Cristina?”

  “Never.”

  “But you were with her those two days you were gone just before you broke up with me. Cristina told me you were.”

  “At the time, she was
the only one who knew about the tests I was having done.” He sat up straighter, tempted to reach for her hand again but decided against it. After bouncing back from that moment where she almost lost it, she did look ready to kill him. “I didn’t wanna say anything until I knew for sure because I knew you’d worry, but I had to talk to someone about it. I figured she knew better than anyone how to deal with waiting on those kinds of terrifying test results. The morning I left I got the call confirming what they found. I called to tell her. I was scared out of my mind. If you recall, I was supposed to leave days later, but they wanted me to come in ASAP for more tests. When they told me I had a growth that could potentially turn into a tumor, the only thing I could think about was you. I’m still worried about it. I’m already older than you, Em. How fair is that to you if what happened to my dad—?”

  “It’s not going to,” she said firmly. “You had the surgery. They removed the whole thing.”

  “There’s no guarantee that it won’t come back.”

  “Nothing in this world is guaranteed, Sydney!” She shook her head, exasperated. “Who’s to say I won’t be kidnapped and killed like my mother was? Or that I won’t get hit by a truck tomorrow. Even if they knew you only had a few years or months left, this is my decision to make. This is where I want to be. You’ve already taken a year I could’ve been spending with you from me.” Her face crumpled. “You’re not taking even a single day from me again.”

  Sydney wrapped his arms around her, hugging her tightly. “I’m sorry, baby,” he said, feeling himself get choked up. “I thought I was doing the right thing.”

  She pulled away, her brows pinching together. “Could you have been any more brutal?” She wiped at her eyes. “I mean, Jesus.”

  “I know. I know,” he said, feeling like absolute shit. “Trust me. It hurt me just as much—”

  “Oh, I beg to differ!” She pulled away even further, but he was glad to see she didn’t look so broken up anymore. “But you know what? This is as good a time as any to just be honest. I’m not comfortable with your relationship with Cristina. Did you stay with her those two days? Because she did say you’d been with her.”