Watch Me Fall

  Starla knew without clarifying that her friend meant Max. The ever-observant Janelle knew her so well.

  “I wasn’t going to.”

  “You can’t resist a fight.”

  Frustration crested in Starla’s chest. Sometimes being an open book sucked. “I know.”

  “I mean it. No matter what he says—”

  Starla straightened and held the Lysol wipe threateningly in Janelle’s face. “It’s a good thing you’re my person. Or I might try to rub a hole in your face.”

  Janelle laughed and shook her head, taking the joke for what it was: I’m not mad yet, but keep at it and I’ll get there. “All right.” She ambled back over to her station.

  “I love you, Jan,” Starla assured her.

  “Oh, bite me.”

  Still, even as the next round of appointments and walk-ins came through, that message was slowly burning a hole in Starla’s sanity—whatever remaining shreds were left of it. What an asshole. Calling her “pretty.” Wondering where she’d been. Away from your psycho ass, she wanted to say. She gritted her teeth through a touch-up, listening to her client chatter away and offering input when it seemed warranted, though she was functioning on social autopilot. Luckily, she did some of her best work when she was brooding.

  That dick. Shoving her out of the car. Cracking her phone. Talking crazy how-close-we-are-to-death shit. Ugh. And though she’d had the thought when his first message came through, she hadn’t taken the time to block his number or silence it, so they kept coming. She could hear her phone chirping away inside her purse, her teeth gritting tighter with every ding. They would be dust before the night was over. If Brian were here, he’d bark at her to turn the phone off. He wasn’t crazy about them being excessively distracted, at least not when someone was in their chair. Once her client had left and Starla had cleaned her station, she snatched open her purse and yanked the gadget out. You’re history, buddy.

  But the content of the messages caught her eye.

  WTF, u ignoring me?

  I no ur at work.

  I got something for ya no u want it

  Annnnd there was a picture of his dick. Lovely. Too bad the crazy fucker knew how to use it so well.

  Been to long bb, cum get it

  I lick tht pussy all nite, no how u luv it

  “Fucking hell!”

  Ghost laughed at her, but Jan looked troubled. Starla shot her a glare. “Oh, you need not be concerned.”

  “What am I missing?” Ghost asked. “Come on. Let me in on it.”

  “Shit, no.”

  His dark brows pulled together. “Oh yeah, you had your date with Stanton last night, didn’t you?”

  “It wasn’t a date.”

  “Leave her alone, Ghost,” Janelle said.

  “Can I just say? You can do what you want, Star, but it’s gonna create an extremely awkward atmosphere if you start seeing that guy.”

  “You didn’t tell Macy, did you?” Starla asked, a little more shrilly than she’d meant to.

  “No. I don’t even like to bring him up. Just keep him away from here, that’s all I ask.”

  “Why should I have to? Macy’s here all the time.”

  “That’s why you should have to.”

  “So if Jared and I do start dating, your girlfriend can visit you at work, but my boyfriend can’t? Just because of your girlfriend? Fuck that. You know that’s bullshit.”

  “That pretty much is bullshit,” Janelle pointed out.

  “Mostly it’s because I, personally, can’t stand your boyfriend,” Ghost said.

  “What if I couldn’t stand your girlfriend?”

  “Can you not?”

  “I happen to like her. My point is, you wouldn’t give a shit if I liked her or not. You’d still bring her here. Am I wrong?”

  “You’re not wrong,” Janelle said brightly.

  “All right, point fucking taken,” Ghost practically growled. “But I would hope I could appeal to what better judgment you might have left, if any. I would hope, for the sake of our friendship and all the years we’ve worked together, that you wouldn’t bring that guy around me, and you definitely wouldn’t create a situation where he and Macy might come face-to-face. We have to see him sometimes at her rodeo shit, but we shouldn’t have to deal with him at my fucking job.”

  “Because you’re jealous,” Starla said. “You’re fucking jealous because he had her first. You delicate flower. I never thought I’d see it.”

  “I am pretty delicate. What about you? No hint of jealousy toward Macy because you’re thinking of banging her ex, if you haven’t already?”

  Starla did her best to school the ever-loving fuck out of her features, but Ghost probably wasn’t fooled. Macy had been heavy on Starla’s mind last night and today. It wasn’t jealousy, per se, but—oh shit, it probably was. If she were going to consult a compatibility checklist, Macy had every quality in a woman that Jared could possibly want. It was somewhat of a cruel reverse miracle that those two hadn’t made it work. From their common interests and values to their mutual dark beauty, they just fit. Belonged. And Starla couldn’t be more opposite from that girl.

  But that really wasn’t fair to Ghost, who was so crazy in love with Macy he sometimes couldn’t see reason. From what Starla had seen, Macy’s feelings were mutual. Chemistry was a fucked-up thing. That matchup gave her a little bit of hope. Not much, but it was something.

  “I’m not jealous of Macy,” she said. “She’s all right. But what I do isn’t any of her business, and I hope both you and she can please keep that in mind?”

  “I seriously doubt Macy will give a fuck what you do, Starla,” he said, but she got the feeling there was more hostility behind those words than he put into them. Nevertheless, he turned his attention to the TV, seemingly done with the conversation.

  And what had it all been for, anyway? It wasn’t as if anything would come of last night. Jared hadn’t texted, called, or otherwise gotten up with her, and though he’d said he would, and she’d hoped he would, she hadn’t expected him to. Not really. No, all she got was stupid-ass, half-indecipherable, I-flunked-second-grade texts from Max and a dick pic. Quite the romantic, that one.

  Across the room from her and adjacent to Ghost, Janelle sighed as she walked over to turn off the neon Open light. Starla hadn’t even realized it was closing time. “I really, really miss Brian,” Jan said as she did so. “And I think he’d better get back here as soon as he can.”

  Grim silence settled over the shop as Starla and Ghost reserved comment. But she figured Ghost was probably thinking the same thing she was. Janelle was right. Brian was as fun as anyone in the studio, but he was also the boss, the authority, and quite often the referee. Too much longer without his guidance and natural leadership, and they all might implode. At that particular moment, Starla wanted more than anything to know he was back there in his office so she could walk in there, shut the door and unload on him. He would say something brilliant, something she needed to hear even if it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. And suddenly everything would make more sense and she would have a clearer idea of what to do about her crazy life. God, yes, she missed him.

  But a funny thing had happened. For the first time in as long as Starla could remember, Brian wasn’t the dominant presence in her thoughts. Today, that particular honor had gone to a tall, bearded, blue-eyed dad who’d rescued her more than once and kissed her hand like a knight in shining armor. Her heart did a silly flip in her chest every time she thought about it, when she’d always figured she was way, way beyond the infatuation-based palpitations. They never happened to her. Neither had she ever really tingled or felt electricity or stared in slack-jawed wonder whenever a man touched her. That must only happen for those weak, blushing virginal types, she’d often thought, which she most definitely was not and never had been…even back when she was a virginal type.

  Jared had made her feel as if it was the first time she’d ever been touched at all. With nothing but a kis
s on the back of her hand, a whole new universe had opened right in front of her eyes.

  Hell yes, she wanted to explore it. She just didn’t know if she could afford the trip.

  Chapter Eight

  Jared was driving home from work on Tuesday when the call he’d been expecting finally came. The only thing surprising about it was that it hadn’t come on Monday.

  Shelly greeted him sweetly, as she always did—he could count on one hand the number of times things had gotten really ugly between them since the divorce. Before the divorce was a different matter entirely.

  After a few minutes of idle chitchat about work and the girls’ school and their upcoming pediatric checkup, though, she got to the point.

  “Mimi tells me you had company Sunday night.”

  Jared winced, but he’d figured Mia would be the one to squeal on him first. “She did, huh?”

  “You’re seeing someone?” He tried to gauge Shelly’s voice for any anger or hurt, but she’d always been fairly adept at hiding it. So adept, in fact, that she was quite capable of stewing over her emotions for months until they erupted and did irreparable damage. Thus the split that had shocked the town gossips…at least until they really thought about it.

  “No,” he told her. “She’s a friend.”

  “Starla, is it? I don’t guess I know her. I didn’t recognize the name.”

  “I only just met her myself.”

  “Ashley said she has pink-and-blue hair and tattoos.”

  He laughed at that. “Yeah. Well, she’s blonde. With pink and blue in it. Her hair, I mean. And tattoos.” And probably piercings. Who knew where.

  Silence greeted that halting description for several heartbeats. “So she’s nice, right?”

  Ah God. “Of course she’s nice, Shell. I wouldn’t bring anyone around the girls who wasn’t ‘nice.’ I did something for her, and she made us dinner. That was it. Let’s not make a big deal out of it.”

  “Um, am I making a big deal out of it? I didn’t think I was. I do think I deserve to know who you’re bringing around my kids, though.” Now an edge was creeping into her always sugarcoated voice.

  “Sure you do. But it was just one dinner. It’s not like she’s moving in.”

  “Things happen.”

  “I guess they do, but nothing did. Okay?”

  “Will it?”

  Sighing, he mulled over his options. Say no, and get caught out as a liar in the unlikely case that something did happen. Say yes or maybe, and cause Shelly to worry needlessly when nothing happened. His mother had warned him a long time ago not to have kids with someone he wasn’t willing to deal with for the rest of his life. Birthdays, school programs, graduations, weddings…Shelly would always be there. He needed to keep things as civil as possible.

  “We don’t have any plans at the moment.”

  “But you won’t say no. You must like her.”

  “I like her, but we don’t have much in common.”

  “I don’t mean to sound like I don’t want you dating anyone. I was just surprised when the girls told me that.”

  “Yeah,” he said, staring blindly at the road. “I get it.” It was nothing he didn’t worry about on almost a daily basis himself, so he couldn’t be upset with her for asking about his activities. When Shelly began bringing a strange man around Jared’s babies, he would probably hire private investigators and do background checks on him. It was only sheer luck he hadn’t already dealt with it.

  “As long as she’s good to my girls, we won’t have any problems.”

  “I don’t know her that well, but Sunday night, she was awesome with them.”

  “I just…I don’t like this. You wouldn’t like it either.”

  “I know, okay? Look, do you need me to stop by? We can talk about it if you want, but I really don’t think you have anything to worry about.” He preferred to do these things face-to-face, not over the phone. Shelly was the opposite. She’d been the world’s damn worst about not starting a fight with him until after he’d left the house, so she could confront him over the phone or in a text. It had always been an issue.

  “No, but from now on, will you just let me know what’s going on? If you start seeing someone, I want to know. I don’t care what you do on your time, but when you’re on kid time, it’s different. I shouldn’t have to find out from my daughter.”

  Jared sighed. It had never occurred to him that his seeing someone new might upset Shelly for reasons other than a stranger becoming involved in their children’s lives. She’d loved him, and the fact that she’d left because she couldn’t live with another woman’s presence forever hanging between them didn’t negate that fact. Shelly had maintained a strong facade for him, but who knew how she felt when he wasn’t right in front of her? Did he still matter that much to her?

  “You’re absolutely right,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”

  “How did you meet her?”

  Oh, her boyfriend threw her out of the car, and I found her walking along the road. If it sounded horrible to his own ears, he could only imagine how it would sound to hers. “She, ah…she was stranded, and I gave her a lift.” It wasn’t a lie.

  “What does she do?”

  “She works at Brian Ross’s tattoo shop.”

  Incredulity erupted then. “With Macy’s boyfriend?” She practically snarled the name.

  “Yeah.”

  “What the hell are you doing, weaseling your way in?”

  Now he was pissed. If he and Shelly did have a fight, it was always because that name had come out of someone’s mouth. Anyone’s. It didn’t matter whose. But an accusation like that was uncalled for. “I’m not doing anything,” he bit out. “I told you what happened. I helped her out, she made us dinner. Yes, you are making a big deal out of it. Stop.”

  “Fine. Will you see the girls tomorrow?”

  He saw them every Wednesday night. “Why the hell wouldn’t I?”

  “Go ahead and pick them up from school, if you want.”

  “All right.” They hung up then, with a ton of angry words left unsaid on her part, he was sure. But, as she’d once told him, she was sick of the fight. She never won. What she didn’t realize was that he didn’t either. At least, living like this damn sure didn’t feel like a victory of any sort. It felt like his goddamn heart was being torn from his chest. Aching over what he couldn’t have, how he’d allowed that pain to fester and rot through every good thing in his life. Tearing apart his family, his kids, hurting a good woman who loved him.

  Wednesday afternoon, his daughters climbed up into the backseat of his truck at the elementary school with grim faces. They buckled their seat belts with barely a word, each staring out her respective window as rain drooled down and he questioned them about their day and what they’d learned. Finally, his knuckles white on the steering wheel, he asked, “What’s the matter?”

  It was Mia, sitting on the passenger side, who met his gaze in the rearview mirror. He couldn’t mistake the little spark of accusation in his daughter’s eyes. “Momma cried all night.”

  Fuck it. He gave up.

  ***

  Work profoundly sucked the rest of that week. Ghost was moody; Janelle was quiet. Tay was his usual self, as far as Starla could tell, but he usually fed off Ghost’s bullshit, and Ghost wasn’t dishing it out. Plus, it rained. Every day. It cast a gloom across everything. The sky was such a heavy lead gray, day after day, that she wondered if the sun even existed behind the bank of storm clouds anymore. Maybe it had gone out, like any hope she’d fostered since her Sunday-night dinner.

  Jared had made no attempt whatsoever to contact her. She was angry for even allowing herself to feel disappointment. A good guy, a devoted father, someone who was husband material—guys like that weren’t interested in her. And, hey, it was okay. She wasn’t usually interested in guys like that. But she’d kind of liked this one. Maybe she should’ve put herself out there a little more when she had the chance. Obviously, she ha
dn’t made much of an impression.

  The weekend passed with little incident, except for the screaming match she and Doug got into when he spilled beer all over the couch she’d paid for. Maybe Julie didn’t care if their shit got ruined and the house smelled like a brewery, but Starla did. She was called everything in the exchange from a bitch to a slut to a cunt, and while she matched him in the name-calling department, he stunned even her with his vitriol. It left her shaken. Julie was at work and didn’t witness the explosion, so naturally she would adopt her typical “he says one thiiiing/you say anotherrrr/I wasn’t there so I don’t knowwww” stance. Starla had left, driving around aimlessly for a while, then hanging out at Dermamania with a cheap bottle of merlot, drawing and drinking and blaring music as loud as she fucking wanted. She considered sleeping there, but that asshole wasn’t going to chase her from her own bed. He brooded in silence when she came back, and they managed to successfully ignore each other for the rest of the weekend.

  “I’ve got to get away from here,” she confided to Janelle the following Tuesday as the two of them stood in the break room for their coffee fix. “Out of my house, out of here—” She gestured around. “Things couldn’t suck any harder right now.”

  “It’ll get better,” her pixie-ish coworker assured her sympathetically. “Babe, find another roommate. Put out an ad or something. I wish you could crash with me until you find one. I just do not have the space.”

  “Oh, I know. That wasn’t what I was getting at.” The last thing she wanted was the added guilt of being a burden on her friend. Jan had a cute little studio, perfect for one person and only one person, and Jan liked it that way. Starla couldn’t blame her. If she could find a little nest that was all her own, she would never leave it and never let anyone inside.

  When the sound of the side door opening reached them, the girls frowned at each other. It was always locked unless one of them had stepped out. Starla walked to the break room door and stuck her head out into the hallway, sucking in a breath as she saw Brian turn the corner to disappear into his office. Candace’s voice drifted out too, laughing at something he’d said. She must have gone in before him.