Ballad (Rockstar #5)

  “This is your life,” he tells me.

  “And it’s also theirs.”

  He lets out a sigh. “You’re a stubborn one. You’d think you and Sera were sisters.”

  I snicker.

  “I heard that,” Sera calls out.

  “Ears like an elephant!”

  “I heard that too! My ears are not big!” she chastises and he chuckles.

  Ben, Sera, and Cage walk over.

  “We’ve got it worked out,” Ben tells me.

  “Got what worked out?” I ask, sitting here feeling sorry for myself, knowing they’re leaving as soon as the doc gets me admitted.

  “Sera’s going to play for me.”

  “I’m confused. Play what?”

  Ben grins. “She’s going to take my spot on the tour and I’m going to stay here with you.”

  I hold my breath, trying so hard not to cry, but I can’t hold back the tears.

  “Now you did it,” Xan chides.

  “You—you’re staying?” I whisper.

  “Honey, I’m not going anywhere. I told you. The minute you said ‘yes’, it meant forever,” Ben tells me, sitting on the bed next to me.

  “I—” I cry then hiccup.

  “It’s okay, honey. Just relax. We’ve got you hooked up.”

  I nod. “Ben,” I whisper.

  He swallows hard and nods at me, knowing words can’t express how much I’m feeling right now.

  “Lucy’s pissed off at Dr. D,” Meggie announces as she walks in.

  “Uh-oh,” I say, giving the doc a side glance.

  He shrugs. “She can’t be in here. We still don’t have all the results of the cultures, which means we don’t know if we can rule out infection, which means if she comes in here, she puts those babies at risk. It’s not safe for her to have them yet.”

  Xan nods. “She’s got to keep them in the oven for five more weeks. Or is it four? Hell, I don’t know but she’s counting that shit down.”

  “I bet she is. Those babies are blessings,” I say aloud, knowing I’ll never be able to carry my own children. I’ve made my peace with that already. I just never thought to mention it to Ben. I know how much they all want family and babies—will this be a deal breaker?

  “They’re blessings until they’re shitting every five minutes,” Trace announces.

  “Nice, real nice. Don’t you want kids, Trace?” Sera asks.

  He shrugs. “I never gave it much thought.”

  “You might want to. You and Megs are pretty serious and she just might want some little ones,” Sera tells him.

  His face pales a bit but then he relaxes when he looks at Meggie across the room. “Kids with that hair. Yeah. And those eyes.”

  “We definitely want them to look like Megs. You, sir, are one ugly mofo,” Xan teases.

  “Fuck off,” Trace replies.

  “Swear jar,” I announce.

  “Well worth it, darlin’. Well worth it,” he says, heading out of the room.

  Ben squeezes my hand and I meet his gaze.

  “I can’t believe you’re staying,” I say, then shake my head.

  “Yep, I’m staying. I’ve also been thinking.”

  “That’s what that smell was,” I tease.

  “Harsh, lady. Harsh.”

  I shrug.

  He chuckles.

  “You were thinking?”

  He swallows hard and if I didn’t know better, I’d say Ben’s nervous. But really, what’s there to be nervous about?

  “I was. I was thinking that maybe you’d want to marry me,” he blurts out and I spit out the sip of water I just took.

  “Pardon?” I ask, eyes wide, jaw dropped.

  “Marry me.” When I hesitate he grasps my hand between his. “Do you know I’m it for you?”

  I nod. “Yes.”

  “And I know you’re it for me, so what are we waiting for?”

  “Ben. You don’t have to do this,” I tell him softly, knowing he’s moving at a pace that’s less than comfortable for him and one that has me blinking in disbelief.

  “Nicole, I love you. I’ve spent enough time away from you and apart from you. Marry me. Be my wife so we can go everywhere together,” he pleads, his eyes shining with emotion.

  I don’t look away, just stare at him and think, why not? Who knows how much time I’ve got left, and if it’s only a short time, I’d be damn lucky to spend it as Mrs. Ben Kingston. Maybe that’s what’s brought this on and I don’t care. If I make it through this, I’ll offer him an out if he wants one.

  “Yes.”

  “What?” he asks, blinking. “Did you just say ‘yes’?”

  I nod and smile. “Yes. Yes, I’ll marry you.”

  He leans in and kisses me, so deeply and so tenderly, I feel his love seep into me.

  “Holy Hannah,” Xan says next to me.

  “My thoughts exactly.”

  “Sorry, man,” Justin mutters to Lucian.

  Lucian shrugs. “It was always going to be him for her. I just want her to be happy.”

  I want so much to hug him in this moment, to tell him how sorry I am, but I think it would just make him even more uncomfortable.

  “Dude,” Xander says walking over to them, “your chick is out there.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Justin mutters. “Quit with the girlie shit.”

  “Oh my God!” I hear Lucy shout. “Ben Kingston! Oh!” Then I hear sniffling and Ben grins down at me. “You proposed and I had to miss it,” Lucy yells through her tears. “Ever since I got pregnant, I seem to miss all the good stuff.”

  Jesse chuckles. “Baby, you’ve got me and I’m your good stuff. That’s all you need.”

  “What the fuck is going on? The Kingston men are emotional today,” Ethan states, his disdain clear.

  “No shit,” Jace agrees. “Think they’re on their periods?”

  “Gotta be. That’s the only explanation for them acting like chicks,” Ethan replies.

  “Fuck off,” Jesse and Ben both say at the same time and I laugh.

  “Swear jar,” Kennedy announces from the doorway. “Looks like it’s filling back up again. You’re slipping, Kingston.”

  Jesse grunts. “I can’t help it with these assholes around.”

  “Little sister, you’re sure you want to marry this guy?” Kennedy asks, coming to sit next to me when Ben walks out to Lucy, who still isn’t allowed in the room—just to be safe. “You know it’s forever, right? Marriage will tie you to Ben for the rest of your life no matter what happens. He’ll be the ol’ ball and chain.”

  I nod. “I know. This is all happening so fucking fast I can’t keep up.”

  “Better than the alternative where he had you waiting and wanting and hurting.”

  “Yeah, much better.” I look down and pick at the blanket again.

  “What is it?” Kennedy asks softly.

  I shrug. “I don’t think it’s real.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Him asking me to marry him. I think it’s just because I’m sick, you know? I know for a fact he wouldn’t have asked me if I was healthy,” I tell him quietly.

  “You can’t know that, and Ben rarely does anything he doesn’t want to.”

  “But—”

  “Nicole. Is there anything about you—important stuff—that Ben doesn’t know?”

  I lift my eyes from the blanket to Kennedy’s baby blues. “No. Not anymore.”

  He nods. “Is there anything about him you don’t know?”

  I shake my head. “I don’t think so. Even what he hasn’t told me, others have.”

  “So, what’s the problem? You both know you’re it for each other, hell, we all know it. Anyone with two eyes can see it. This is as real as it gets, baby sister,” he tells me, giving my hand a gentle squeeze.

  “It’s scary,” I admit.

  “Scarier than your old man? Scarier than cancer?”

  “No. Nothing’s scarier than being sick. There are no absolutes. There are
no cures. Obviously the cancer is stronger than some seriously potent meds that made me sicker than sick. My fear is I won’t make it through to the other side of this and come out alive so I can go to college and spend the rest of my life with Ben,” I tell him honestly.

  Kennedy just nods. “We fight.”

  I nod back. “It’s all I can do.”

  “What did you do to put that frown on my pretty girl’s face?” Ben asks Kennedy with a scowl.

  “Nothing much. All I had to do was ask her if she really wanted to marry your ugly ass and she nearly burst into tears,” Kennedy says with a grin.

  “Fuck off, man,” Ben scoffs. “Seriously, you all right, honey?”

  I nod. “I am. Just not looking forward to what’s coming.”

  “I’ll be right there with you. Through it all,” he vows.

  I smile softly, tears filling my eyes. “You’re amazing, Ben Kingston.”

  “Yeah, I know. It’s why you can’t help but love me,” he teases and I snort. “There she is, the girl with the sunshine smile.”

  “Fucking waxing poetry and shit,” Kennedy mumbles.

  “For real, man. Her smile, it lights up a room.”

  “Yeah, I just wouldn’t have said that out loud.”

  Ben chuckles. “One day you’ll find your girl and you’ll say even more than that.”

  “The fuck I will,” he says, giving Ben a shove and standing up.

  “And when that day comes, I’m going to enjoy reminding you of this moment,” Ben taunts.

  “Of course you will, you dick.”

  Dr. Donovan walks into the room and I let out a sigh. “It’s time to go.”

  Kennedy leans in and gives me a hug. “I’m a phone call away, little sister. If you need me, I’m here.”

  “Thanks, big bro,” I tell him and kiss his cheek.

  He clears out fast and I’m not the least bit surprised. He stayed much longer than I thought he would.

  “Time to go, Coley,” the doc says.

  “I know,” I mutter, anger in the pit of my stomach at this disease that is, once again, fucking with my life.

  After all the goodbyes, we climb into a black SUV and head to the hospital.

  Fun times ahead.

  NICOLE’S BEEN IN the hospital for five days and each day she gets worse. Her bone marrow is being tested against the tens of thousands in the database of donors, but so far there hasn’t been a match. I’ve never been more frustrated in my life.

  I watch her sleep as I take a sip of my shitty hospital coffee. She looks so peaceful. You’d never know she was sick by just looking at her—okay, that’s a lie. She’s developed dark circles under her eyes, her lips are dry and cracking, and her hair is falling out again from the chemotherapy they started her on. They call it conditioning. It’s a way of killing the cancer cells before the transplant, they said, but holy God does it make her sick.

  It’s strange how they flood a person’s body with toxins to kill cancer cells, or radiate them to the point of disintegration, and a person can survive that. All those toxins and people are worried about household cleaners poisoning the environment. Maybe we ought to worry about what’s poisoning patients so they can beat a disease that should already have a fucking cure.

  It burns me up that after all this time there’s no cure. I went online and saw some sites where people say it’s a government conspiracy, that there really is a cure for cancer—even HIV and AIDS—but unless you’re on some special list, you’ll never know about them. I’d like to think that’s a bunch of bullshit a bunch of frustrated are spewing but, to be honest, I don’t know. I just don’t know.

  “Good afternoon, Mr. Kingston,” the nurse greets.

  “Call me Ben, please.”

  She nods and blushes a bit. The nurse who was on last night told me my presence has been talked about throughout the hospital—as well as the Blush Baby’s—Nicole’s.

  “How’s our girl?” she asks.

  “She’s better. Yesterday was brutal,” I admit.

  She sighs as she reaches to change the IV bag.

  “I imagine it was. She’s such a little thing.”

  “She is, but she’s got one hell of a fight in her,” I say with pride.

  The nurse smiles wide. “Then she’ll win this battle.”

  “She will,” I say with conviction I don’t really feel. There’s so much uncertainty and I’m scared for my girl.

  “Ugh,” Coley moans as she pukes again and again, dry heaving because there’s nothing left in her stomach to regurgitate.

  I wipe her forehead with a cool rag, then along her cheeks and neck.

  When she’s done, she flops back, panting as if she’s just run a marathon. The increasing paleness hasn’t escaped my notice. I asked if that was normal and they assured me it was. I don’t care if it is or not, I don’t like it.

  “Ice chip?” I offer and she nods. I spoon one into her mouth and she sucks on it.

  “I wish you didn’t have to see me like this, Ben,” she says for the millionth time.

  “Shush now. It’s what fiancés do, right? Take care of their wife-to-be?”

  She grins.

  “There’s that sunshine.”

  She snorts. “You’re so weird.”

  I’d explain it to her, what her smiles and sunshine do to me—for me—but I wouldn’t be able to find the words. It’s more of a feeling, a light-in-the-darkness kind of thing.

  “Maybe, but you love me,” I tease and spoon another ice chip in her mouth.

  She nods. “I totally do.”

  “When are you going to marry me?” I ask, just as I’ve asked every hour of every day since she agreed to be my wife.

  Her grin widens. “You’re persistent, I’ll give you that.”

  “That’s not an answer, honey.”

  She looks at me, just looks at me. I’m not sure if she’s searching for something or just thinking as she focuses on me, but I like it. I like it a lot—the way she looks at me, the way she looks to me.

  “Don’t you want your brother and everyone here when we get married?” she asks.

  I shrug. “The only one I care about being there is you.”

  She sighs. “You’re so sweet now that you stopped being a stubborn jackass.”

  “High praise,” I say with a laugh.

  “You know what I mean, right?”

  I nod. “I do. Now, when are you going to say those two words back to me?”

  “I don’t want Lucy upset because she wasn’t here.”

  “They won’t be back for over two weeks, honey.”

  “I know,” she answers, biting her lip.

  “I know what we can do,” I tell her. “We can Skype or whatever that program is with them while we get hitched.”

  She laughs. “Really?”

  “Sure, why not? Someone can use a camera hooked to the computer… Hell, I don’t know. I’ll talk to Kennedy. He’ll have someone all over it. Then they’ll all be there, honey. What do you think?” I ask.

  “Let’s do it,” she replies, her smile wide in spite of her fatigue and nausea. Christ, what did I do to deserve someone so genuine?

  I hug her close. “I love you so much. You know that, right?”

  She nods. “I love you more.”

  I chuckle. “No way.”

  “Way,” she responds, her eyes narrowing as she points at me. “You won’t win.”

  “What if we call it a tie?” I scoop another ice chip into her mouth and she sighs.

  “That’d be perfect,” she mutters as she drifts back to sleep.

  I’m on the phone with everyone I know trying to make the arrangements for three days from now, knowing the band has two days off. It’ll be the perfect time.

  “No, you do nothing,” Lucy tells me.

  “What? But—”

  “Nothing. I’m calling my mama. She’ll handle it all.”

  “Oh man. Mama Russo on the wedding rampage again. Be sure to tell her Coley’s pre
tty sick and we’re in a hospital,” I remind Lucy.

  “I’m pregnant not stupid, brother of mine.”

  I laugh.

  “So, how is she really?” Lucy asks.

  I run a hand over the back of my neck. “She’s fighting.”

  “That’s good, but how is she, Ben? Tell me.”

  “She’s so sick, Luce. Christ, how she’s sick. She’s got nothing to puke up and she manages to puke up something. I’m starting to wonder if it’s pieces of her organs for as hard as her spasms are. They’ve got her on an IV and some sort of protein drink since solid food makes her vomit the second it hits her stomach. And the worst of it? Yesterday she started getting sores in her mouth. They hurt her so damn bad.” I just throw it all out there, finally having someone to talk to about my concerns.

  “Oh my God. Do they give her anything for that?”

  “They gave her this sort of mouthwash stuff she has to swish and spit with. It numbs the inside of her mouth. Ice chips help. Ice cream. Popsicles. Jell-O. Those are really the only things she can hold down.”

  “At least she can hold something down, right?”

  “Yeah, yeah, that’s a plus,” I say, having not thought of it like that. “Sprite and ginger ale are what she likes most. She told me yesterday she wishes she’d asked Jesse for some of his peppermint LifeSavers. I went down to the hospital shop and they don’t have any, and when I leave to go change, I don’t want to take too much time, you know?”

  “I’m on it, Ben. I’ll hook up our girl.”

  “Good, thanks.”

  “You’re welcome. Now tell me how are you?” she asks.

  “I’m good, just worried and frustrated.” I pause for a minute. “I’m scared for her, Luce. So fucking scared. She’s fighting like the champ she is, but what if they can’t find her a match when she’s ready?”

  “They’ll find a match, Ben. Stay positive. It just takes time to compare her marrow to the donors. It has to be perfect,” she tells me quietly.

  “I know. That’s what’s so scary. What if there’s no perfect match?”

  “I don’t know if you’ve brought this up to her or not, but what about her aunt? Is she still alive? She might be a match, or one of her kids.”

  Leave it to Lucy to read my mind.