Reckless Secrets

  I knew he was trying not to interfere too much, but his wariness was obvious.

  I ran from coffee to chem lab. Bhat handed back the graded carbons for our most recent lab.

  Dex looked through his eagerly and grinned. "One hundred percent—A, A, A!" He slugged me playfully in the arm. "What did you get?"

  I rolled my eyes. "We're partners and we worked on these together. If I don't have the same scores as you do, I'm going to launch a formal complaint." When I opened looked at my lab report, red ink spilled over the page. Tons and tons of notes in the margins. I froze. A big red one hundred percent was at the top of the page.

  Dex peered over my shoulder. "What the—"

  The words swam before my eyes. The writing was definitely Byron's, not Bhat's. Love notes. There were love notes written all over my notebook, personal, longing love notes.

  "Oh, shit," Dex said.

  "Exactly."

  "You could lodge a complaint with the dean. Claim sexual harassment," Dex said.

  The report shook in my hands. I stuffed it in my backpack. "I can't. I have to think. This can't go on."

  I skipped my afternoon chem help session with Byron. I just couldn't face him. Instead, I went back to my room and forced myself to read the notes he'd written throughout my lab report.

  I love you, Ellie. You're out of my league, but our chemistry is undeniable.

  What would a hot girl like you want with a nerd like me? You're a student and I'm your professor. If not for our chemistry, it would be impossible.

  I can't stop thinking about you. About your smile. And the cute way you wrinkle your nose when you're thinking and trying to solve a problem. We could be like a covalent bond—sharing electrons.

  I was not going to share electrons, whatever that meant, or anything other than cookies with Byron. Ever.

  Will you go out with me? Say you will. I'll treat you nice. I have plenty of money. Call me. He listed his number.

  There was more. Lots more. You look so hot in your red sweater, the one with the dots. Wear it next time you come to my office so I'll know you saw my notes.

  Ew. I'd probably never be able to wear that sweater again. I felt guilty and horrible and icked out all at the same time. Why couldn't Byron be like a normal guy and see I was just being friendly? That the cookies were all I was going to give him in exchange for chem help. And that wasn't even strictly required.

  Logan texted me, wanting to meet at the SUB coffeehouse lounge to study. I texted him back that I'd meet him there.

  With finals and final projects looming, the lounge was packed. Everyone was bundled in sweatshirts. It took me a minute to spot Logan sitting by the windows. He was looking for me. I knew the minute he spotted me. His face lit up and he waved. He waited for me at the table with a hot mocha.

  "You're a lifesaver," I said as I slid into the chair across from him and set my backpack down beside me. "It's icy out there. Does the wind ever stop blowing?"

  He grinned. "In the winter? Dream on."

  I wrapped my hands around my coffee and took a sip. "I am dreaming—of a white Christmas and finals and this semester being over, over, over!"

  "Speaking of Christmas," he said.

  I waited for him to continue, but his eyes just sparkled. "What about Christmas? Are you just dangling that out there to tease me?"

  He grinned. "I might have a surprise up my sleeve."

  "You are teasing me."

  His grin deepened.

  "You aren't going to tell me?"

  "It wouldn't be a surprise then, would it?"

  "You brought it up." I was still wondering and plotting what to get him. Really, it seemed like he had everything.

  He laughed.

  "Okay, subject change, then. What are you studying tonight?"

  "A bunch of engineering crap." He held up a green engineering grid pad full of messy-looking equations.

  "Nice," I said.

  "You?"

  "A bunch of management info crap." I winked at him. "I have a paper to write."

  "Is Jason helping you with it?"

  The question came out of nowhere. "What? No. Why do you ask?"

  "You and he seem to be hanging pretty tight lately." His tone was a little too casual.

  I shrugged. "You know Jason. He's a born mentor. He can't help himself when it comes to helicoptering around his students."

  The way Logan studied me made me uncomfortable. "You've been having coffee with him regularly at The College Grind."

  My heart skipped a beat, in the bad way. I thought about denying it, but what was the use. "Yes," I said. "How did you know? Have you been spying on me?"

  He shrugged. "Word gets around." He paused. "Why didn't you tell me?"

  "What's to tell? Look, it's no big deal. I have a free period and need a coffee to get me through the day so I started going to The College Grind. Jason takes his break at the same time. We ran into each other a few times and started joking about how it was becoming a habit and then it just did."

  Logan's eyes narrowed. "What do you two talk about?"

  I stared back at Logan and tried to make a joke. "Jealous? I never promised you coffee fidelity."

  "I'm serious, El."

  I took a deep breath. "Don't go all possessive stalker on me, Logan. We just talk."

  "About us?" His gaze was steady. "After you asked me not to?"

  "Of course not!" I tried to act indignant, but I wasn't sure I succeeded.

  Logan frowned. "I'm just wondering what's going on. Jason's been preoccupied lately. Stressed. Distant. And yet you two are suddenly all buddy buddy." He kept staring at me. "Is something going on between you? Tell me the truth."

  "If I tell you the truth will you drop it?" I said.

  He nodded.

  I hedged, making sure I told the truth, but only part of it. "He gives me advice about college stuff. I think he feels sorry for me because my mom is a crappy parent and I don't have anyone to turn to."

  Logan held my gaze. "He's like that." He didn't sound completely convinced.

  "How was your day?" I asked him, changing the subject.

  "I had to talk to the police again to go over my statement." His voice was flat.

  I wanted to tell him how brave he was. That he really was a hero. But at the same time Harlan's fears ran through my mind—could Logan handle the stress? Part of me wanted to ask Logan to call it off and forget about testifying, like his dad wanted. Part of me knew I couldn't. Testifying was the right thing to do. Logan would see me asking him not to as a betrayal.

  I reached across the table and squeezed Logan's hand. "You're the bravest guy I know. Serious. I'll always be here for you. If you need to talk, or whatever."

  He smiled back, but it was forced, like he was under a huge strain. "Thanks, El. But I don't want to think about it, let alone talk about it."

  I nodded. "Study?"

  He nodded. "Now we study."

  I leaned over and unzipped my backpack. As I pulled my laptop out, my chem lab report fluttered out and landed at Logan's feet. I reached for it, nearly clunking heads with Logan. But I wasn't fast enough.

  As Logan leaned down and picked it up, his eyes scanned the pages. "What the hell is all this red ink?" He frowned. "Are you still having trouble in chem?" He scanned the report and looked up at me. "What the fuck, El?"

  Chapter Fifteen

  Logan's voice and face were hard. "When were you going to tell me about this?"

  I froze. "I—"

  "You weren't, were you?" He slapped the report onto the table in front of him. "We could share electrons. You look so hot in your red sweater. I love you." His voice rose with each word. "How long has this been going on? Is this why Byron wanted to meet with you?"

  The girls at the table next to us turned and stared. A public lovers' fight was an event, college drama at its finest.

  I'd never seen Logan angry at me like this. His cold look frightened me, like he was pulling away from me and I didn't know if
I could reel him back.

  "You told me having Byron as your prof was fine. Not a problem." His voice became suddenly low and controlled, and that was even more ominous.

  "It is fine. It's…look, I have a plan. Everything's under control."

  "You've been flirting with him." Again, the low voice. "Are you still baking him shit?"

  "Well, not shit, but cookies." I nodded and tried to smile. "Yes."

  Logan swore beneath his breath. "Baking for a guy is flirting with him, El, and you damn well know it. You're leading him on. It's looking for trouble. He could…" Logan took a breath to compose himself. "He's a chem prof, El."

  I knew Logan's fears. I knew where he was coming from. He'd experienced the worst. But Byron wouldn't. "Logan, please. Byron is nothing like—"

  "Dressing provocatively. Wearing your hot red sweater to private study sessions." His gaze was piercing and angry like I'd betrayed him.

  "Hot red sweater?" I was astounded by the accusation. "No one but Byron would consider that sweater hot. It's so prim it belongs in a nunnery. I've been really careful not to give Byron the wrong idea—"

  "You've been doing a damn shitty job of it."

  I ignored Logan's comment. "The sessions aren't private. Dex sees to that. I'm never alone with Byron."

  "Dex? What do you mean he's taken care of it?" Logan's eyes were hard.

  I briefly explained Dex's protection system to him. "So someone always just 'coincidentally' shows up within minutes of me." I thought that would placate Logan, soothe him. "So, see, really, I'm not taking any chances. It's just until the semester's over and I have my grade and—"

  "And then what? You let him down gently?"

  I swallowed hard.

  "You need to lodge a complaint with the university. Get that bastard out of the classroom." He raised his voice almost to a yell.

  I could feel the silence settle around us. We were drawing attention and making people uncomfortable.

  "No, that's extreme. I can't. This is Byron. He's harmless—"

  Logan's gaze bored into me. "You went to Dex with this—why didn't you come to me, El? Shit, I'm your boyfriend. You're supposed to trust me." His voice had risen to a full yell now.

  The buzz from the students studying around us totally died. In a few seconds, they'd start taking bets on whether we were going to break up or not. My heart pounded. My mouth went dry. I had to make Logan see I was only trying to protect and spare him. I was looking out for him. "You have so much going on. You're under too much stress. I didn't want to bother you—"

  "And Dex doesn't? He has nothing going on at all. He has broad shoulders that can handle anything and is so smart he has all the answers. And I'm such a fucking weakling I can't protect my girlfriend?" He grabbed his laptop and notebooks and slammed them into his backpack.

  I swore I heard every tooth of the zipper click in as he zipped his backpack shut, grabbed his coat, and slung his backpack over one shoulder.

  "No, wait! No, of course not. Logan, please!" I hated the desperate note in my voice that exposed my breaking heart. "It's just—"

  "I'm too fragile to trust. Damaged. Unable to cope."

  "No—"

  "You didn't want to hear my advice because it's so lame and goes against what you want to do, what you know is right?" He stood up as I frantically scrambled to put my laptop back in my backpack and reached for my coat.

  "Screw it, El!" His voice was like quiet thunder, frightening in its intensity. He turned and pushed his way through a group of guys looking for a study table.

  I shoved my chair back and stood. "Logan! Don't be like that. Don't walk out on me."

  He had turned and didn't look back. It was stone silent in the lounge around me. I stood in a sea of curious, uneasy eyes and sympathetic looks, frozen.

  One of the guys in the group Logan had pushed through looked at me. "Are you going to be using that table?"

  I grabbed my coat, slid it on, and picked up my backpack, leaving my coffee behind. "It's yours. Enjoy." I held my chin high and pushed my way through the crowded lounge, breaking into a run when I hit the exit, chasing after Logan.

  I pushed through the doors into the cold winter evening that matched my heart. Snow was beginning to fall. But Logan was gone. I put one hand over my mouth to hold my sobs in. I would not cry. I would not. But tears stung my eyes as I pulled my cell phone out of my pocket and desperately texted Logan. I'm sorry.

  I held the phone as I walked back to the dorm, waiting. I waited and waited, but Logan was silent.

  "Logan broke up with you? I can't believe it." Tay had her arm around me as I sat on my bed in my dorm room.

  Bre and Nic hovered nearby, offering moral support and sympathetic ears.

  My eyes were red and swollen. "The breaking-up part is ambiguous. Does Screw it, El mean we're done?" I snorted.

  "Well, ambiguity is something," Nic said. "He left the door open, even if it's only a crack. You can still fix this. Once he calms down, you talk to him."

  "He's not texting me back."

  "Stupid asshole men. He'll calm down," Bre said, offering a platitude. "They always do."

  "He loves you, Ellie!" Tay squeezed my shoulder. "He's just upset."

  I sniffed. "Yeah, I knew he would be. That was why I didn't tell him." I dabbed at my eyes with the tissue. "Maybe I was wrong. Maybe if I'd told him…"

  "You can't live in maybe land," Tay said. "You have to deal with what you have."

  I nodded.

  Our room was old with built-in floor-to-ceiling closet/cupboards that had two lower drawers. Bre went to hers, opened one of the drawers, and pulled out a giant-size chocolate bar and a bottle of vodka. "But for now, you need comfort. Chocolate and booze." She grabbed four red plastic cups and poured a round that she mixed with orange juice from our mini fridge. When we all had a glass and a hunk of chocolate, Bre raised her glass in toast. "To breakups and making up in style."

  I chugged my drink, feeling the burn all the way down, hoping the buzz would do something to heal my heart. "You all agreed with my plan for dealing with Byron," I said.

  Nic looked at me over her drink and shook her head. "I had my doubts."

  "Yeah. Sorry. I'm not trying to pass on the blame. I did what I did. I just thought it was a good plan."

  Tay nodded sympathetically. "Yeah, it was. I mean, it would have worked if Logan hadn't found out. That was the flaw."

  I nodded. "That damn lab report. Why did Byron have to scribble love notes all over it?"

  Nic looked at me sadly. "He's escalating, Ellie. That's probably what freaked Logan as much as anything. Given Logan's history…well, can you blame him?"

  "Yeah," I said, swallowing hard. "Yeah." Nic was right.

  "What are you going to do?" Bre asked. "If I were you, I'd ask my dad for advice. He's always level-headed." She shot me a sympathetic look.

  They all knew about my mom and that I didn't have a dad. But they were wrong—I did have a dad. And Bre was right. I needed his advice. Sometimes there's no substitute for a parent. Not that I ever had a real one. But that was what I'd heard. Tomorrow after work, I'd see if Jason had a minute. I knew I could trust him to keep things secret. We were like our own society of secrets.

  "And be careful about keeping secrets from Logan in the future," Tay said. "I think you have to trust him or you don't have a chance."

  The dress code for chem class on Wednesday was anything black, which matched my mood perfectly. Though I thought maybe I should wear scarlet and stick out. Or wear that "hot" red sweater defiantly and just let Byron find me. That would be more courageous. Or maybe it would just send the wrong message again. I had to do something. Logan still hadn't texted me back and I was sinking further into the abyss of despair every hour.

  "You're going to have to stop this dressing-alike thing," I told Dex. "I can handle myself."

  "Hey, calm down. I'm sure you can," Dex said. "But this is so much fun."

  I glared at him.

&
nbsp; "What happened?" Dex asked.

  "Logan found out about Byron's notes to me."

  "Oh," Dex said, and let things drop.

  I was nervous all day about work. I arrived early, before Logan. I jumped every time the door opened. At that rate I was going to have a heart attack before I was twenty. Finally, he came in. I looked up at him, certain he was going to blow me off and walk right past me.

  To my surprise, he approached my desk. "We need to talk." His tone was still distant, but it had a hint of apology in it. At least he wasn't completely freezing me out. And he looked miserable, almost as miserable as I felt.

  I couldn't tell if that was good or bad, in my favor or not.

  I nodded.

  "Later," he said. "Not right after work. I have some shit I have to do first."

  "Sure."

  "I'll call you."

  "Great."

  He nodded. "Now, what assignments do you have for me today?"

  I handed him a printout. I had emailed him his assignments as soon as I'd arrived. So he could have avoided me if he'd wanted to. That gave me hope, too. I didn't mention it and neither did he. He simply took the paper I handed him and left.

  Karen gave me a puzzled look.

  "It's nothing," I said before she could ask. I didn't need her nosing into my business.

  Karen left early. I caught Jason just before it was time for me to get off shift. "Do you have a few minutes? I need to talk. I could use your advice."

  "Is this about Logan?" he asked.

  I nodded. He would have had to be inhuman not to notice the icy atmosphere between us. "And more."

  Jason nodded. "I always have time for you. Close the door."

  I nodded, closed the door behind me, and took a seat in the guest chair in front of his desk. "I need some fatherly advice."

  His eyes lit up like he was happy about getting to play dad. "Shoot."

  I bit my lip, took a deep breath, and plunged in, telling him the whole story. His face grew grimmer with each detail I shared.

  "So Logan saw my chemistry lab write-up," I said in conclusion. "And went ballistic on me."

  Jason sighed. "This is some serious stuff. I see why it upset Logan, particularly given his history. I'm not happy about it myself. Do you still have the lab report?"