Constance Sherwood: An Autobiography of the Sixteenth Century

partly that he had too much goodness and sense to bandy words withso ill-mannered a young man. I pray you who read this, could aught bemore indiscreet than, in a thoughtless manner, to have summoned thesetwo to dispute? which nevertheless I did, thinking some sport shouldarise out of it, to see Master Martin foisted in argument by one hedespised, and also from his extravagant gestures and affectedcountenances. So I said:

  "Master Tregony, your task shall be to dispute with Master Sherwood;and this the theme of your argument, 'The Art of Tormenting.' He whoshall describe the nicest instances of such skill, when exercised by amaster toward his servant, a parent to his child, a husband to hiswife, a wife to her husband, a lover to his mistress, or a friend tohis friend, shall be proclaimed victorious; and his adversary submitto such penance as the court shall inflict."

  Master Sherwood shook his head for to decline to enter these lists;but all the young gentlemen and ladies cried, he should not besuffered to show contempt of the court, and forced him to stand up.

  Master Martin was nothing loth, and in his ill-favored countenancethere appeared a made smile, which did indicate an assurance ofvictory; so he began:

  "The more wit a man hath, the better able he shall be at times totorment another; so I do premise, and at the outset of this argumentdeclare, that to blame a man for the exercise of a talent he dothpossess is downright impiety, and that to wound another by thepungency of home-thrusts in conversation is as just a liberty in aningenious man, as the use of his sword in a battle is to a soldier."

  Mr. Sherwood upon this replied, that he did allow a publicdisputation, appointed by meet judges, to come under the name of afair battle; but even in a battle (he said) generous combatants aimnot so much at wounding their adversaries, as to the disarming ofthem; and that he who in private conversation doth make a weapon ofhis tongue is like unto the man who provokes another to a singlecombat, which for Christians is not lawful, and pierces him easily whohas less skill in wielding the sword than himself.

  "Marry, sir," quoth Master Martin, "if you do bring piety into yourdiscourse, methinks the rules of just debate be not observed; for itis an unfair thing for to overrule a man with arguments he doth notdare to reply to under pain of spiritual censures."

  "I cry you mercy, Master Martin," quoth the other; "you did bring in_im_piety, and so methought piety should not be excluded." At the whichwe all applauded, and Martin began to perceive his adversary to beless contemptible than he had supposed.

  "Now to the point," I cried; "for exordiums be tedious. I pray you,gentlemen, begin, and point out some notable fashion wherewith amaster might torment his servant."

  Upon which quoth Martin: "If a man hath a sick servant, and doth notehis fancy to be set on some indulgence not of strict necessity, andshould therefore deny it to him, methinks that should be a rareopportunity to exercise his talent."

  "Nay," cried Master Sherwood, "a nicer one, and ever at handafterward, should be to show kindness once to a dependent when sick,and to use him ten times the worse for it when he is well, upbraidinghim for such past favors, as if one should say: 'Alack, be as kind asyou will, see what return you do meet with!'"

  This last piece of ingenuity was allowed by the court to surpass thefirst. "Now," I cried, "what should be the greatest torment a parentcould inflict on a child?"

  Martin answered: "If it should be fond of public diversion, to confineit in-doors. If retirement suits its temper, to compel it abroad. Ifit should delight in the theatre, to take it to see a good play, andat the moment when the plot shall wax most moving, to say it must betired, and procure to send it home. Or, in more weighty matters,--adaughter's marriage, for instance,--to detect if the wench hath set herheart on one lover, and if so, to keep from her the knowledge of thisgentleman's addresses; and when she hath accepted another, to let herknow the first had sued for her hand, and been dismissed."

  Here all the young gentlewomen did exclaim that Master Sherwood couldby no means think of a more skilful torment than this should prove. Hethought for an instant, and then said:

  "It should be a finer and more delicate torment to stir up in a younggentlewoman's mind suspicions of one she loved, and so work on hernatural passions of jealousy and pride, that she should herself, in ahasty mood, discard her lover; and ever after, when the act was notrecallable, remind her she herself had wrought her own unhappiness,and wounded one she loved."

  "Yea, that should be worse than the first torment," all but one younglady cried out; who, for her part, could better endure, she said, tohave injured herself than to be deceived, as in the first case.

  "Then do come husbands," quoth Mr. Martin; "and I vow," he cried, "Iknow not how to credit there be such vile wretches in the world asshould wish to torment their wives; but if such there be, methinks thesurest method they may practise is, to loving wives to showindifferency; to such as be jealous, secrecy; to such as be pious,profaneness; and the like in all the points whereon their affectionsare set."

  "Alack!" cried Mistress Frances Bellamy, "what a study the man hathmade of this fine art! Gentlewomen should needs beware of such a onefor a husband. What doth Master Sherwood say?"

  Whereupon he: "Methinks the greatest torment a husband might inflicton a worthy wife should be to dishonor her love by his baseness; or ifhe had injured her, to doubt her proneness to forgive."

  "And wives," quoth Mistress Southwell,--"what of their skill therein,gentlemen?"

  "It be such," cried Martin, "as should exceed men's ability thereof tospeak. The greatest instance of talent of this sort I have witnessedis in a young married lady, whose husband is very willing to stay inhis house or go abroad, or reside in town, or at his seat in thecountry, as should most please her, so she would let him know herwishes. But she is so artful in concealing them, that the poor man cannever learn so much as should cause him to guess what they may be; butwith a meek voice she doth reply to his asking, 'An it please you,sir, let it be as you choose, for you very well know I never dooppose your will.' Then if he resolve to leave town, she maketh notmuch ado till they have rode twenty or thirty miles out of London.Then she doth begin to sigh and weep, for that she should be a mostill-used creature, and her heart almost broken for to leave herfriends, and be shut up for six months in a swamp, for such she dothterm his estate; and if she should not have left London that same day,she should have been at the Lord Mayor's banquet, and seen the Frenchprinces, which, above all things, she had desired. But some husbandsbe so hard-hearted, if they can hunt and hawk, 'tis little count theymake of their wives' pleasures. Then when she hath almost provoked thegood man to swear, she hangeth down her head and saith, 'Content you,sir--content you; 'tis your good fortune to have an obedient wife.'And so mopes all the time of the journey."

  Whilst Martin was speaking, I noted a young gentlewoman who did deeplyblush whilst he spoke, and tears came into her eyes. I heard afterwardshe had been lately married, and that he counterfeited her voice in soprecise a manner, so that all such as knew her must needs believe herto be the wife he spoke of; and that there was so much of truth in thepicture he had drawn, as to make it seem a likeness, albeit mostunjust toward one who, though apt to boast of her obedience, and toutter sundry trifling complaints, was a fond wife and toward lady toher dear husband; and that this malice in Mr. Tregony, over and abovehis wonted spite, was due to her rejection of his hand some short timebefore her marriage. Master Sherwood, seeing the ungraciousgentleman's ill-nature and the lady's confusion, stood up the morespeedily to reply, and so cut him short. "I will relate," he said, "ayet more ingenious practice of tormenting, which should seem thehighest proof of skill in a wife, albeit also practised by husbands,only not so aptly, or peradventure so often. And this is when one hathoffered to another a notable insult or affront, so to turn the tables,even as a conjuror the cards he doth handle, that straightway theoffended party shall seem to be the offender, and be obliged to sueforgiveness for that wherein he himself is hurt. I pray you, gentlemenand ladies, can anything more ingenious than this practice b
e thoughton?"

  All did admit it to be a rare example of ability in tormenting; butsome objected it was not solely exercised by wives and husbands, butthat friends, lovers, and all sorts of persons might use it. Then onegentleman called for some special instance of the art in lovers. Butanother said it was a natural instinct, and not an art, in such totorment one another, and likewise their own selves, and proposed thebehavior of friends in that respect as a more new and admirable theme.

  "Ah," quoth Master Martin, with an affected wave of his hand, "firstshow me an instance of a true friendship betwixt ladies, or a sincereaffection betwixt gentlemen; and then it will be time for to describethe arts whereby