Vanilla

  “Interesting. Evan told me you were an accountant.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Not really. I used to work for an accounting firm, in HR. I was a math major. Now I do this. All he knows is that I work with numbers, I guess. My brother isn’t that observant.”

  Niall paused to sip from his drink and give a quick glance around the room. “So...I haven’t been here before. It’s cool.”

  “It’s fun. During the week it gets a lot of hot businessmen.” I watched for his reaction. Some men would be jealous even without a right to be.

  He laughed and tapped his glass to mine. “Nice. I swore I’d never work for a place where I had to wear a suit and tie.”

  “No?”

  “Nope. Polos and khakis all the way.” He grinned.

  “But a man in a suit is so...”

  “Uncomfortable,” he said.

  “You should try wearing panty hose and heels,” I told him wryly, testing him a little. “No, really. You should try it.”

  “I did dress like Dr. Frank-N-Furter for Halloween once. That was the last time you’ll see me in heels.” Niall shook his head. “I could deal with the lipstick, but damn, the shoes just about broke my ankles.”

  I giggled, delighted and tingling at the thought of it. “I love Rocky Horror.”

  “We should go sometime. They show it at the Allen Theater every few months. Props and everything. But I’m not dressing like Tim Curry again.”

  “How about like Rocky?” The whiskey sour was warming my insides. Loosening my tongue. Making me flirty.

  Niall snorted laughter. “In a gold bikini bottom? Wow. No way. Nobody needs to see that.”

  “I bet you’d look great.” I made a show of looking him up and down. “You’re a swimmer.”

  “How...” He shook his head. “Not anymore, I mean, not competitively. But in high school I was, yeah. How did you know?”

  “You have the body for it.” I sipped more drink and sat back so the server could put our plates in front of us. “Were you any good?”

  “Never lost,” Niall said.

  I paused with a fry dipped in my ketchup. “Never? Not once?”

  “Nope.” He shook his head, looking both faintly proud and a little embarrassed. “Not once.”

  “Wow. That’s impressive.”

  He shrugged. “Didn’t do me a lot of good in the long-term, you know? I mean, what you do and who you are in high school only really matters in high school.”

  “In high school I was a cheerleader.” I tucked the fry into my mouth, relishing the salty, greasy yumminess. “How about that.”

  “Rah, rah, rah,” Niall said.

  “Elise!”

  I turned to see another familiar face. Eric was a local ER doc I’d dated once or twice before we figured out we weren’t really suited for each other. He’d been stumbling through his search for a mistress, looking for one harsher than I ever wanted to be. He’d wanted something full-time and long-term, a whole lifestyle thing, which wasn’t what I’d ever really been into, but I liked him a lot. I introduced him to Niall.

  “Hi, good to meet you. You’re new?” Eric asked.

  Niall hesitated, looking to me for a second. “Yeah, I mean, Elise invited me. I’m kind of along for the ride.”

  “Right on.” Eric nodded. “Gotta get your feet wet somewhere. This is a great group to do that in. And Elise is a great lady. Treat her right. You don’t want to get Cubby on your bad side.”

  Niall looked at me, his smile a little twisty, a little secretive. A lot sexy. “No, I sure wouldn’t.”

  Eric looked beyond us to a small cluster of people at another high-top table close to where the food had been laid out. He held up the glass of white wine he was carrying. “I should get this over to my lady. Take care, Elise. Nice to meet you, Niall.”

  I wanted to ask Eric who his lady was—the icy blonde in the black wrap dress? She looked like the sort of woman capable of beating the hell out of a guy who was into that sort of thing. To my surprise, though, he pressed the glass into the hand of the short, plump redhead sitting on one of the high stools next to her. The redhead wore a flowery caftan-type dress that clung to ample curves, and a pair of orthopedic sandals. She twisted to let Eric lean against her as she kissed him. Thanking him for the drink, probably. My expression must’ve showed the surprise, because Niall followed my gaze.

  “You know her?”

  I shook my head. “No. I just wouldn’t have picked her out to be...well... I guess you never really know what people like about each other, huh?”

  Niall gave her a curious look then turned back to me. “I guess you never do.”

  More of my friends showed up then, and the crowd got lively. Someone had set up a small speaker system playing music from an iPod. The appetizers disappeared. People danced a little or ordered food, but most of us stood around in small groups chatting about life, work, families. I was talking with Randi, a woman I’d met a few times previously but didn’t know very well, when Niall excused himself to use the restroom. As soon as he’d gone, she leaned close to me.

  “How did you two meet?”

  “He works with my brother,” I told her.

  Randi gave me a look over the rim of her wineglass. “He’s very cute.”

  I looked automatically toward where Niall had gone, though I couldn’t see him. “Is he?”

  “Oh, sure. And he clearly adores you.” She nodded.

  I laughed. “Oh...we’re not...”

  “No? You’re kidding.” Randi’s brows arched upward. “I thought you’d been together forever, the way you talk to each other.”

  I had to think about that. Niall and I definitely had a patter down, riffing back and forth. “No. We just met, tonight, actually.”

  “I’ve been looking forever to find someone. Online dating is hell for straight people. God help those of us who are a little crooked. Half the guys are looking to find a mistress, whatever that means, and it’s usually nothing like what I want.” Randi rolled her eyes and lowered her voice. “I mean, look, I don’t mind pouring myself into a corset now and again, but most of the time I want to be in lounge pants when I whip someone, you know?”

  “I don’t really—”

  “They say they want to submit, but it’s still all about them.” Randi looked disgusted.

  I’d had my share of that, for sure. I thought of Esteban, my delightful boy. Finding him had been lucky and rare, and even so, not without its problems. How different tonight would’ve been if he were here with me. “Niall and I aren’t on a date.”

  “But he’s a sub, yeah?”

  I laughed again. “No, I don’t think so. He’s not mine, at any rate.”

  “I’d convince him,” Randi said just as a nudge at my elbow showed me Niall, a glass of iced tea in his hand.

  “I brought you a drink.”

  Randi gave me a look so significant I had to cover my mouth against a sudden burst of laughter. Niall gave us both the sort of look men give women when they suspect they’re the butt of some joke they don’t understand and don’t want to know about.

  “Thanks,” I said. “Would you mind asking the bartender to put some lime in this, instead of lemon? Crushed ice if they have it, too. And a straw.”

  Niall nodded without looking even the tiniest bit put out. “Sure, no problem.”

  Randi waited until he’d gotten out of earshot. “If he’s not yours, can I have him?”

  “Umm.” I laughed awkwardly. “Sure? I guess?”

  In a few minutes Niall was back, handing me the glass of iced tea. One sip told me he’d had it prepared perfectly. “Thanks. I was thirsty.”

  Randi gave me another look. I didn’t mean to giggle, but couldn’t hold it back. When she excused herself, Niall watched her go then turned back to me with a shake of his head.

  “Ooookay.”

  The crowd had thinned a lot, and amazingly we’d made it almost to last call. “You want to get out of here?”

  “Sure.
If you do.”

  “It’s late.” I barely held back a yawn. “This party’s winding down anyway.”

  In the parking lot, standing next to my car, I wondered if Niall was going to kiss me, and what I would do if he tried. Suddenly, strangely, it was all I could think about, even if I couldn’t decide whether or not I wanted him to. I unlocked my car with the remote key and tried without much luck to shake off that tingly sense of anticipation rapidly spreading to my fingertips.

  “What was that woman making you laugh about?”

  “Oh. Randi? She thought we were a couple.” I laughed again, shaking my head. I’d unlocked but not yet opened my door.

  Niall smiled. “Did she? Huh.”

  “Yeah. She thought you were my...” I hesitated. He’d been to the gallery show. He’d seen the pictures. Evan had even made a joke or two. Even so, that was different than coming right out with it. He hadn’t seemed to think I was a demanding bitch about the iced tea, but men had a way of making other kinds of assumptions when they learned about my kinks.

  “Your what? Boyfriend?”

  “Sort of. More like my...boy.” I bit the inside of my cheek lightly, trying not to giggle.

  It took him a second, but when he got it, Niall’s jaw dropped. “What? Why?”

  I thought of how he’d ordered my food because he’d paid attention. How he’d brought me the iced tea, assessing my needs and trying to provide for me as naturally as if we’d known each other a lot longer than a few hours. How he’d accepted my request to change it. He’d been good at it, too. Better than a lot of “boyfriends” I’d had.

  “Well, we were at a meet up for...” I hesitated, deciding then to come clean. “It was for dominant women and submissive guys. Kind of a...not a club, exactly, not one with membership dues or anything. More like hobbyists. Like people who are all into keeping bees or scrapbooking or who drive classic cars, that sort of thing.”

  “Except that group is for guys who like to be what...spanked and stuff?”

  My smile faded at his tone. “Some do. It’s not always like that.”

  “Is it like that for you?”

  I shrugged, giving him a sideways glance. “It can be.”

  “Weird,” Niall said. “Why do you do that?”

  “It’s not something I do,” I said in a clipped, hard voice. “It’s who I am.”

  Niall was quiet for a moment. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I was going to, but I didn’t think it mattered, really. I mean, haven’t you gone to any sort of social thing with a bunch of people standing around eating and drinking? How much does what they like to do in the bedroom really play into it? It’s just...people.”

  “People who thought I was your...” Niall shook his head with a frown. “Damn, Elise. I wish you’d told me.”

  I thought about reaching for him, smoothing my hands down the front of his shirt to calm him, but didn’t. He was not, after all, my boy. I couldn’t just pet him because I wanted to. And his comment, “weird,” had annoyed me.

  “I’m sorry. You’re right. But you’d never have known if Randi hadn’t been so obvious about it. Would you?”

  “No. Which makes it all worse.”

  “It was just a meet up,” I said. “Not a dungeon party or something like that.”

  Niall frowned. “I guess I’d have figured it out a lot sooner if you’d taken me to one of those.”

  “The manacles on the stone walls kind of give it away, yeah.” I let him smile first, but he did.

  “Man. I had no idea,” Niall said.

  I leaned against my car. The night was chilly, the metal no longer even holding any heat from the sun. I rubbed my arms against the rising gooseflesh.

  “You wouldn’t, would you?” I said, and paused as he shrugged out of his jacket to hand it to me without a word. I got warm then, all right. All over. “Like I said. Just people.”

  “I guess I figured it would be more like what was in those pictures tonight.”

  “It can be,” I admitted. “But you know, most people don’t go to the grocery store in full leather outfits leading their subs on a leash. In regular life, we’re just...normal.”

  Something twisted in his expression. Not disgust, which would’ve put me off worse than him saying weird. Not arousal, either, unfortunately. He shook his head and then scrubbed a hand over the top of it, mussing his dark brown hair.

  “I feel like an idiot now, that’s all.”

  “You shouldn’t. I’m sorry. I really ought to have told you. Would you still have come with me?” I looked him over.

  “I don’t think so.”

  I nodded. “Are you sorry you did?”

  “No. I guess not. It was fun,” he said, looking into my eyes. “Hanging out with you.”

  We looked at each other without saying much of anything. I could feel my grin growing. Heat, too, tingling in my cheeks and throat, and lower down.

  Niall made a gruff noise and tipped his head to look up at the sky. “Supposed to be some shooting stars tonight.”

  “Good for wishes.”

  He gave me a sideways look. “What would you wish for?”

  “You know, the usual. A unicorn. World peace. A really good sequel to Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.”

  Niall chuckled and turned to lean against my car beside me. We both looked up at the sky for a while. Most of the night was obscured by the rise of buildings and the ambient light, anyway, but I looked hard to see if I could find anything shooting across the darkness.

  “It’s getting late,” I said finally, when a series of yawns threatened to cramp my jaw. I shrugged out of his jacket. “Thanks for that.”

  “No problem. I guess I’m a gentleman,” Niall said.

  That, yes, I thought. But also more than that.

  He didn’t kiss me, and we didn’t shake hands. He did ask for my number, and I gave it to him, though I didn’t expect him ever to call me.

  I pondered on that while I drove home, where I took a shower and scrubbed my face clean.

  Niall liked me. I was sure of it. And I was free to date whomever I wanted, even while seeing Esteban. But would I want to date Niall, if he asked me?

  I put on comfy pajamas and tucked myself into bed, then stared at the ceiling and regretted drinking that iced tea so late. It would press on my bladder. At least that’s what I could blame this wakefulness on, though the truth was, I would’ve found it difficult to fall asleep anyway.

  Too much thinking.

  You look sad, Niall had said. Why?

  I closed my eyes, but dreams were far away.

  Does it still make you sad?

  Yes, I thought. Oh, fuck me, yes, it does. Every fucking day.

  And then, because it was late and I was stupid, I pulled my phone from the charger and swiped to open the app I could never bring myself to delete. There he was. Profile picture and screen name the same, unchanged. I always held my breath for a second or so when I opened the app, waiting to see if he’d have a different face, a different name. If he’d be gone altogether. But no, he was still there. He was always there.

  And in the dark and silence, through a blur of tears, I told him the truth.

  I miss you.

  I miss you so much.

  The dark is too big without you beside me.

  I waited, hating the tears slipping over my cheeks and into my mouth, but knowing it was useless to think I could stop them. I counted the seconds, giving him a minute. Another. It was late, and surely he wouldn’t read the message. I should delete it before I could see if he did anyway so then I would never know. I could hide the app again in the folder of things on my phone I never used. I could pretend to myself in the morning I had not been weak.

  The small D next to the message turned to an R.

  But he did not answer me.

  He didn’t delete his account, and he always read what I sent him, but he never, ever replied.

  And I, the stupid one, the weak one, heart aching,
erased the messages I’d sent him and closed the app before I could be stupid again.

  15

  “It’s a little creepy,” my brother complained over a plate of eggs and potatoes.

  He’d dropped William off at Sunday school and was avoiding going home. I was hungry with no food in the house. We’d agreed on the diner.

  “People have naked pictures of me, Evan. Of all the pictures he could’ve picked, that’s about the least creepy.” I dug into my eggs over medium. “His ticket got pulled. He won. It’s not like he bought it on purpose.”

  “But you went out with him, after?”

  “Yeah. Just...nothing happened,” I said, disgruntled to be getting the third degree. “We went to The Slaughtered Lamb for a bit to hang out with some friends I’d made plans to meet. It was chill. Stop being such an old lady about it.”

  My brother grumbled and poured sugar into his coffee. “He works with me. It just seems weird. You’re my sister, for fuck’s sake.”

  “Maybe he won’t hang it up in his cubicle,” I teased. “Jesus, Evan. You act like you’re worried he’s going to try to make a suit out of my skin.”

  That got him, finally, and he laughed. “Gross.”

  We both ate in silence for another few minutes. He polished off his whole plate and, typically, stole some of my potatoes.

  “Hey, so, you want to talk about what’s going on at home?” I asked when we’d both sat back with replete sighs, fresh cups of coffee on the table and the clock ticking its way toward noon.

  “Nope.”

  “Fair enough.” I sipped coffee. There was no point in badgering Evan about anything. My brother would tell me anything and everything, but only when he was ready to.

  Our conversation turned to William’s Bar Mitzvah and the headaches it was causing. This time from Jill, who’d apparently called Evan to have a talk about his wife’s “lack of respect” for our mother. Jill had always been a bit of a diva, that deadly combination of self-absorbed and totally not self-aware. She was seven years older than Evan and I, and her nose had been out of joint about the pair of us since my parents had lugged us home from the hospital. Some people grew out of their sibling rivalries; some people grew up. Our sister had not. I figured it was only a matter of time before Jill and our mom went toe-to-toe with Susan, and I was sure Evan’s wife was going to come out on top of that fight, no matter what Jill and Mom thought.