Vanilla

  He swiped at his face. “Why doesn’t Grandma like my mom?”

  “I don’t know. Because your mom isn’t like Auntie Jill, I guess.” I put an arm around him, squeezing.

  “You’re not like Auntie Jill.”

  I laughed, painfully. “No, but I’d say that Grandma doesn’t like me much, either.”

  “No, but she loves you, at least.” That was a lot of wisdom from a kid.

  “Yeah...well. She loves you, too, buddy. So does your mom. So don’t let this ruin your time. When we go back in there, it’ll all have blown over, and everyone will be pretending nothing’s wrong.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because that’s what people do when something awkward happens,” I told him as the service door opened and my brother shot through it.

  He looked at us with relief. “Oh. Hey, buddy. There you are.”

  William gave his dad a wary look. “Are they still fighting?”

  “No. Mom went to cool down, and Grandma and Aunt Jill are...sitting down. Being quiet,” he said with a look at me.

  “Well, better they shut up because they feel so affronted than keep on going,” I said.

  Evan sighed. “C’mon back inside, buddy. Okay? Elise, you coming?”

  “In a minute.”

  My phone had buzzed while this was going on with a text from Niall saying he’d be right down to brunch. I tried to reply with at least a bare sketch of what had happened in case he was going to walk into a shitshow, but my signal bars had dropped. I moved along the corridor past stacked chairs and trays of glassware until I turned a corner, then down another corridor and through a set of double doors, where my phone got better reception. That was where everything really hit the fan.

  There was Susan, shoulders shaking as she pressed herself against a man I recognized from being at the party the night before, but whose name I did not know. He was stroking her hair while she said, “...and he just stood there and let them fucking walk all over him, and me, while his mother insulted me and my family. And he did nothing! Not a damn thing, as usual!”

  The guy wasn’t her brother or an uncle or a conveniently affectionate male cousin, either. He might’ve been a gay best friend, but when they started kissing on the mouth, even I couldn’t make that one fly. All I could do was stand there with my mouth open, phone in my hand bleating with an incoming text message that alerted the lovers to my presence so they both turned at the same time, and I could not pretend I hadn’t seen them.

  “Shit,” the man said.

  Susan looked remarkably put together considering how short a time had passed since she’d been screeching like a harpy. And considering her dirty secret had just been found out. She lifted her chin and murmured something to the guy that seemed to put him off, but she repeated it, harder this time. He nodded and moved past her, heading toward the swinging doors that led to the lobby. She looked at me.

  “Are you going to tell Evan?”

  I didn’t know what to say, other than “He’s my brother.”

  “Well, don’t tell him today. Okay? Let’s not make this day any worse than it’s been already.” She looked tired. And sad.

  I shook my head. “You should be the one to tell him, not me.”

  Susan laughed without humor. “I’m not telling him anything. Are you crazy?”

  “You can’t... I mean, he’ll find out.” My phone slipped in my sweaty palm.

  “How’s he going to find out? He doesn’t fucking pay attention.” Susan sneered. “To anything. You really think he’s going to just figure it out on his own? And even if he does, Elise, your brother is a fucking master at ignoring things he doesn’t want to deal with.”

  She wasn’t wrong, but he was still my brother, and she was a woman who’d never bothered to even try to be my friend. I didn’t say anything. She shrugged and eyed me.

  “What did I ever do to you,” I asked finally, “to make you hate me?”

  Susan answered quietly. “I don’t hate you.”

  “Then what the hell, Sue?” I leaned against the wall.

  “It was everything,” she blurted. “Everything about you.”

  I frowned, not sure how to take that. “What about me is so awful? I mean, I get why you can’t stand Jill, but...”

  “Jill’s jealous of me, that’s all,” Susan said. “She’s jealous because she can’t have kids because of the...because of what happened when she was in college. And she’s always been jealous of you and Evan.”

  “What the hell happened to her in college?”

  Susan gave me a long, steady look. “She got pregnant. The guy wouldn’t marry her, the way Evan agreed to marry me.”

  “Jill got pregnant?” I shook my head and wished I had a chair to sit in.

  “Yeah, and she’s never gotten over the guy or gotten married or had kids, and she hates that I have what she wanted.” Susan shrugged and crossed her arms over her stomach. She looked at the carpet. “I’ve tried to feel sorry for her, but really, she’s just a bitch.”

  “Well. Yeah.” I shrugged, too. “She kind of always was.”

  Susan gave me a sideways look. “I’m jealous of you, Elise. So that makes me a bitch, too, I guess.”

  “But...why?”

  “Because Evan talks to you when he won’t talk to me. Because you stand up to them, and I just let them walk all over me. Because,” she said on a low rasp, “when William was a baby and I felt trapped into having him and getting married when I didn’t want to, there you were. I was afraid to drop him. You changed his diapers with practically one hand. And here you are now, with a job you love and you’re just...so fucking put together and confident, and you always have been, and I never have.”

  We stared at each other.

  “Jesus, I wish I still smoked,” she said.

  I would gladly have lit up right along with her. “I won’t tell Evan anything, for William’s sake. But you should. Or you should end it. Or both.”

  “I can’t end it,” Susan said. “I love him.”

  I winced. We stared at each other some more. Finally, she squared her shoulders.

  “I need to get back in there and, I guess, make nice.”

  “You don’t really have to make that much nice. They’re going to leave you alone. Oh, they’ll snipe at each other and probably wear off Evan’s ears later, but you...” I gave her a grin that hurt my mouth and a shrug. “You, they’re going to leave alone.”

  For a moment, I thought she was going to break down into tears again. I couldn’t in any way not judge her for cheating on my brother—what the fuck was I going to do about that anyway? Still, I didn’t blame her for finally laying into my mom and Jill.

  “Look, Susan...” I paused, thinking of her Wednesday afternoon yoga classes, and being late. “I’m not going to put any sort of ultimatums on you or anything like that. But if you ever again use me to be responsible for your kid while you’re off fucking around, I will make sure Evan knows everything.”

  She looked guilty, I gave her that. She nodded. My phone buzzed, and I looked at it. Without another word between us, she left me, and I thumbed the screen to find a text from Niall.

  Where are you?

  I told him where to find me, and when he got there, I hugged him, hard. Squeezing. I pressed my face to the side of his neck, and said, “Get me out of here.”

  * * *

  Niall took me to a diner and fed me eggs and pancakes and toast and coffee, and he listened to me rant about my stupid, crazy family without trying to offer any advice. I didn’t tell him about Susan—some knowledge is more of a burden than ignorance would be, and he worked with my brother, after all. When he reached for my hand across the table, I let him take it. A simple touch, but it meant a lot.

  “Want some?” I offered a piece of toast that I’d sprinkled liberally with cinnamon and sugar. I bit into it, crunching, savoring the sweetness. I sighed. “My favorite.”

  “I’ve never had it.”

  Surprised,
I blinked. “What, never?”

  “Nope. Butter and jelly for me, always.” He leaned to take a bite of my toast. I wanted to jump across the table and kiss away the crumbs from the corner of his mouth.

  In the car, I got my chance. And oh, his kiss was sweeter than sugar. Sweeter than anything.

  “I should get back,” I told him after a few minutes of the kind of kissing that could make a girl forget she was in the front seat of a car. “Make sure nobody killed anyone.”

  “It’s not your job to play referee, Elise.”

  I smiled. “Is that just an excuse to get me to make out with you some more?”

  “Maybe.” He leaned close but just out of reach, and when I moved toward him, he teasingly moved back.

  I didn’t go after him again. I let him come to me, and he did, after a moment’s pause, taking my mouth in a lingering but sweet kiss that nevertheless pushed up my heart rate. Niall traced the line of my jaw and sat back. We stared at each other for a moment or so.

  “I’m not crazy, am I?” I asked him.

  He raised a brow. “Umm...?”

  “There’s something here.” I gestured to the space between us. “I’m not reading you wrong, am I? We really did almost have sex last night, right?”

  Niall blinked and looked a little embarrassed. “Yes.”

  I wanted to kiss him again, but didn’t. “Just wanted to be clear, that’s all. Because you’re confusing.”

  “C’mon, I’m as clear as day,” he said.

  We laughed together, and I leaned back in the passenger seat with a sigh. Without looking at him, I said, “Why did you cancel our movie date?”

  Niall didn’t answer me at first. When I finally looked over at him, he looked a little shamefaced. “Because I’m an idiot?”

  “It’s because of those pictures, isn’t it? And the stuff you asked my brother about.” I kept my voice light, though I felt sort of dark. “It’s too weird for you.”

  Niall reached for my hand. He kissed each of my fingertips then curled my fingers against my palm and kissed the knuckles, too. “It was all those messages you kept getting while we were at the acrobats show. I knew they were from a guy.”

  “They were, but so what?”

  “I thought maybe they were from a boyfriend,” Niall said.

  I frowned. “If I had a boyfriend, I wouldn’t have gone out with you. Wow. What kind of person do you think I am?”

  “Fascinating, intriguing, intimidating as hell,” Niall said.

  I narrowed my eyes, though in truth his answer flattered me. “I don’t have a boyfriend.”

  “Right. You have lovers.” It was his turn to frown.

  I took my hand away from his and linked my fingers in my lap. Staring straight ahead, I said, “I had a lover. One. And I don’t see him anymore. But even if I did, that’s my business, isn’t it?”

  “A guy just likes to know where he stands, that’s all.”

  I gave him the side eye. “So, you thought I had a boyfriend...or a lover...and yet you took me to bed anyway.”

  “I think you could argue that you’re the one who took me to bed,” he said.

  I was quiet, thinking of lonely nights and desperation, of unrequited longing. Of rules that were supposed to keep my heart safe but had not. Niall took my hand again. His thumb stroked the back of it, and I shivered.

  “You think I’m this badass. That it’s all whips and chains and hot candle wax. You think I’m going to be hard and sharp, but I’m soft, Niall. That’s what you don’t understand. That really, I want to be soft.” I shook my head and carefully took my hand away again. He ran a fingertip down my bare shoulder and arm, tickling. I looked at him again. “I’m tired of games, that’s all.”

  “No games,” he promised and made an X on his chest with his finger. “Cross my heart. Hate ’em.”

  I made a face. “That’s what everyone says, and the next thing you know, you’re not being honest about something, or you’re trying to manipulate someone, or you’re trying to change someone into what you want them to be. Or change into what they want you to be, only you never really can, can you? And all you have is disappointment and grief.”

  “He must’ve really jacked you up,” Niall said. “Whoever he was, that boyfriend you didn’t have.”

  I frowned. “Yeah, well, that’s what happens, isn’t it? Bad breakups leave you scarred.”

  “So you take a lover,” he said. “Instead of having a boyfriend.”

  “Are you offering to be my boyfriend?” I asked, annoyed.

  He shook his head and gave me that damned smile. “I wouldn’t dare.”

  “If you ask me out on a date again, you’d better follow through this time,” I warned. “No bullshit.”

  “None. Not a speck of it, I promise. So, what do you say? You want to give it a try? Can I have another chance?”

  Mollified, but only a little, I let myself study his face, searching for any signs he was being insincere. “I mean it, Niall. I’m not interested in being jerked around. What happened last night was one thing. Taking me to the movies is another.”

  “Can’t I have both?” He looked totally serious. “Does it have to be one or the other?”

  “You want to date.” I said it flatly. “Not just fuck?”

  He was silent for a moment or so. “What do you want, Elise?”

  “I told you what I wanted.” I shrugged.

  He took my hand again. We sat like that for another long minute, until finally I leaned to offer my mouth to him. He kissed me.

  “You can be soft with me,” he said.

  28

  Niall did ask me out on a real, honest-to-goodness date, and I did agree to go. He picked me up at my house and everything. Brought a bouquet of flowers, daisies and some kind of purple blooms I didn’t recognize but loved at once. We had dinner and drinks and then saw a movie, and he took me home to drop me off with a kiss at the front door.

  And oh, what a kiss. Open mouths, tongues dancing, his hands in my hair, on my hips, his body pushing mine against the front door until I pushed him back a little.

  “People in this neighborhood are nosy. You want to come inside?” I asked, my mouth already filled with the memory of his flavor.

  Niall gave me a solemn look, then a sly grin as he surreptitiously adjusted the front of his pants. “Not on the first date.”

  “You’re kidding, right?” I took a step back at his expression. “You’re serious!”

  “I took you on a date, a real date. The rest of it will happen when it happens.”

  He sounded so serene about it that I had to stop and think. Hard. There was something incredibly appealing about the idea, of letting go and going with the flow. Appealing and scary.

  “That’s very philosophical,” I said.

  He grinned. “What can I say, I’m a deep thinker.”

  “You’re really not going to come inside. For real.”

  He shook his head, the grin getting bigger. “Nope. Not unless you want to order me to.”

  He was testing me, and I knew it. Stubbornly, I put my hands on my hips and narrowed my eyes, trying to figure him out. “You do realize we’ve already seen each other like, almost naked.”

  Niall nodded. “Oh, yeah. I remember. Believe me. I couldn’t forget if I tried.”

  “Why would you want to try?”

  “Good point.” Niall took a step back, off my concrete front porch. “I’ll call you.”

  I laughed and shook my head. “Weirdo. Maybe I don’t want you to call me again. You didn’t even ask if I had a good time.”

  “You had a good time,” Niall told me, and with a grin and a wave, went back to his car.

  Damn him, he was right. The night had been fantastic. We’d discovered we liked the same television shows, music, books. We ordered the same dessert, until he decided at the last minute to go for what would’ve been my second choice also, so we could both share. As far as dates went, aside from not getting laid at the end of it,
it had been the best I’d had in...well, honestly, maybe the best date I’d ever had.

  When I got out of the shower, I found a missed call from him. In bed, snuggled into my pillows, I clutched the phone to my chest for a moment before calling him back. “Hi.”

  “I wanted to say good-night,” Niall said. “What are you doing?”

  “I just got into bed. What are you doing?”

  “Same,” he said. “What are you wearing?”

  “A smile.”

  He groaned. “You’re killing me.”

  “Don’t ask if you don’t want to know the answer.”

  He was silent for a few seconds. “So...”

  “So,” I answered.

  “I had a really good time tonight,” Niall said.

  I smiled. “I know you did.”

  “We’ll have to do it again soon.” He paused. “What are you doing tomorrow?”

  “Blissfully, I have no plans. How about you?”

  “I have to run some errands in the morning. Then I thought I’d hit the gym. But later, if you want, we could go bowling,” Niall said.

  “Bowling?”

  He laughed. “Yeah. Bowling. What, you don’t bowl?”

  “I haven’t been bowling in...well. God. Since high school, maybe? Wow.” I tried to remember the last time I’d been to a bowling alley and had a vague memory of stinky shoes and loud music.

  “So, you wanna go?”

  I hmmm’d. “Yes. Okay.”

  “Great. I’ll pick you up at six,” Niall said.

  We disconnected, and I put my phone onto its charging dock. And though I lay awake for a long time, fighting my usual insomnia and counting backward from a hundred, I didn’t pick it up again. I wasn’t even tempted to send George a late-night text.

  For the first time in a long time, I had nothing I wanted to tell him.

  29

  You know how it is when you first meet someone, and everything they do is amazing and wonderful, and you can’t get enough? But eventually, something annoys you. The way they chew, maybe. Or that they’re always late because they can’t make up their mind what to wear, or they don’t like your favorite perfume, or they tell you they don’t see the point of tattoos when they know very well you have several. Slowly, little hurts here and there, over and over, until eventually you can barely remember why you ever liked each other in the first place.