Five Years From Now

  Joel must be in the bathroom. I wish he’d hurry up.

  I wish he’d take his time.

  ‘It’s strange being here without Scampi,’ Van says despondently.

  I nod, finally managing to break eye contact. ‘He died about three years ago.’

  ‘What happened to him?’

  ‘He had leukaemia.’ I swallow, but he stays silent, and I feel compelled to go into more detail because I think that he wants me to. He was his dog, too, after all. ‘He’d lost a lot of weight, but we thought it was old age. The vet said the kindest thing to do would be to put him down. Dad and I were with him at the time.’ We held his furry body and tried not to cry until after he’d slipped away. It all happened so fast.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Van says softly as my eyes prick with tears. It still feels raw.

  ‘Thanks.’ I finally look at his face and feel oddly thankful that he wasn’t with us to suffer through what happened in person.

  The front door opens behind him and Joel comes out. Van takes a couple of steps backwards and forces a smile at him. ‘See you guys in the morning.’

  ‘Sleep well,’ Joel replies, while I stay silent.

  ‘I doubt I’ll be sleeping as well as you,’ Van says drily and Joel chuckles, moving past me, into the room.

  ‘What did he want?’ he whispers, closing the door.

  ‘His mother’s paintings are in the wardrobes,’ I explain. ‘He asked if he could have access to them tomorrow.’

  ‘Oh, right! I wouldn’t mind seeing them, too.’

  The thought of Joel being in here when Van opens those wardrobes makes me feel deeply uncomfortable.

  He undresses down to his boxers, while I spend ages merely trying to undo the buttons on my jeans. He’s already snuggled under the covers by the time I’m putting on the pastel-pink-and-white shorts and vest PJs set that his parents got me for Christmas. I climb into bed and Joel spoons me from behind, drawing me close. I’m rigid as his hand slides up my waist, his thumb brushing against the curve of my breast. He presses a kiss to my neck.

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m too tired,’ I tell him in a clipped voice.

  ‘Really?’ Surprise tinges his disappointment. We have sex most nights, but it’s been three days.

  ‘Tomorrow,’ I promise, and after a moment he lets me go and rolls over.

  I lie there in the darkness, staring at the wardrobes. Out of the blue, I’m struck with the most breathtaking stab of fury. Waves of anger roll over me, chased by bitterness.

  I can’t let him get to me like this. He made his bed five years ago. It’s time to let him sleep in it.

  I turn towards Joel and slide my hands around his waist. He comes to pretty quickly.

  The next morning, I walk into the kitchen to find Dave crouching down in front of the washing machine with a perplexed look on his face.

  ‘You want some help?’ I ask.

  ‘Yes, please,’ he replies gratefully.

  He moves aside for me and I set the machine going before reaching for the kettle. ‘Cuppa?’

  ‘I’d love one.’

  ‘How long are you guys planning on sticking around?’ I ask.

  ‘Not sure. We don’t want to outstay our welcome.’

  ‘It’s hardly a problem, is it, you being parked out on the drive.’

  He shrugs and grins at me. He has an open, friendly face with a likeable, approachable demeanour. I was too diverted to appreciate him last night.

  ‘Is Van up?’ I ask offhandedly, getting four mugs out of the cupboard and hesitating.

  ‘He’s down on the deck with your dad.’

  ‘Oh, right.’ I reach for a fifth mug as Joel comes into the kitchen.

  ‘Have you got the number for that surf school you were talking about?’ he asks me.

  ‘Are you going to do it? Lessons?’

  ‘I figured we’re here for long enough.’

  ‘I could give you a few tips, mate, if you want to save your pennies,’ Dave offers amiably.

  ‘No, it’s all right,’ Joel says. ‘It’ll be more fun if I’m in a group with others who can’t do it. Like Nell, for example.’

  I shoot him a look. ‘What?’

  He comes forward slowly, an impish grin on his face. ‘You’re doing the course with me.’

  ‘What? No, I’m not.’ I shake my head.

  ‘Oh, yes, you are.’ He stops in front of me and tucks my hair behind my ears. I slept in my braid last night and only brushed my hair out ten minutes ago, so now it’s falling down my back and is riddled with kinks.

  Van walks into the room, closely followed by Dad.

  ‘Good morning,’ Joel says brightly.

  I stiffen, but don’t step away.

  ‘Morning,’ Dad replies. ‘Aah, lovely, Nell, I was about to put the kettle on.’

  Joel smiles at me, pinching my chin between his fingers.

  ‘I’m not.’ I shake my head, looking up at him.

  ‘You are.’ He nods determinedly.

  ‘I’m not.’ Out of the corner of my eye, I see Van watching us.

  ‘What’s this?’ Dad asks.

  ‘Nell and Joel are going to surf school,’ Dave explains with amusement. ‘I offered to give them a few pointers, but they declined.’

  ‘I didn’t know you wanted to learn to surf, Nell,’ Van says and his low, deep voice makes my insides tremor.

  ‘I don’t,’ I reply flatly.

  How can he sound so casual and easy when I’m breaking apart inside?

  Out of nowhere, the fury I felt last night returns and slams into me.

  For a few glorious seconds, I revel in it. Then I turn to my boyfriend and smile. ‘But if that’s what you want to do, then I’m up for it.’

  ‘Yes!’ He punches the air in a ludicrously over-the-top manner, prompting us both to laugh at each other.

  My anger is swept away, but it collects in a calm red pool, lying flat at the bottom of my psyche.

  ‘I’ll go hunt out the number.’ I cast my eyes heavenwards and walk out of the room, throwing a smile back over my shoulder at Joel.

  Van and Dave head out soon afterwards, and I feel much more relaxed when it’s only Dad, Joel and me in the house. We go to a pub a couple of villages away for a Sunday lunch and have a perfectly pleasant day, taking a walk along the cliffs near Poldhu, where we end up dropping in to sign up for our course in person.

  That night, we sit in front of the telly, watching a video. When Joel gets up to go to the bathroom, I check my watch and turn to Dad.

  ‘It’s a bit off, isn’t it?’ I complain. ‘What if we’d been waiting for them to come back for dinner?’

  ‘They told me they’d be out all day,’ Dad replies.

  ‘Oh. Did they?’

  ‘Yes, Van said so when we went for a wander this morning.’ He hesitates. ‘He wanted to give you space.’ He reveals this in an awkward whisper, not wanting Joel to hear. ‘He asked if I thought they should go, as in, not stick around for Easter.’

  I’m shocked.

  ‘I said I’d speak to you,’ Dad finishes, glancing my way. His eyes are full of pity. I can’t actually bear to look at him.

  ‘That’s ridiculous,’ I snap, also in a whisper. ‘He doesn’t have to leave. I’ll be fine. It’s a bit weird, that’s all. But I’ll get used to it. It’ll probably be good for me.’

  The toilet flushes.

  ‘It’s been years,’ I continue. ‘But I’m with Joel now, so that makes it easier.’

  ‘That’s what I thought,’ Dad whispers, taking the video off pause as Joel comes out of the bathroom.

  Dad still has a few more days of work before the Easter break, so the next morning he heads off early while Joel and I take our time. Our first surf lesson kicks off at 10 a.m. and we have to be there only half an hour before to get kitted out.

  I’m standing in the bathroom braiding my hair so it’s out of my way, when Van appears in the reflection of the mirror. I freeze.

  ‘Your hair has gr
own,’ he says.

  ‘Hair tends to do that,’ I reply sarcastically, recovering.

  A moment passes. ‘Do you mind if we join you at Poldhu today?’ he asks.

  ‘You’ve got to be kidding, right?’ I frown at him in the mirror. ‘You, surfing on beginners’ waves?’

  ‘You’ll be on the white water closer to the beach.’ He leans against the door frame and folds his arms. ‘We’ll paddle out back, past the breakers. There should be some nice peelers out there.’

  ‘Can’t you go somewhere else?’ I hope no one is in earshot to hear how rude I’m being. It’s the only way I can think of to cope with the constant onslaught of up-and-down emotions.

  ‘Aw, look at his little face,’ Dave says, materialising with a grin.

  Shit.

  ‘He hasn’t seen you in five years,’ Dave adds, ruffling Van’s hair.

  Van bats him away, smirking.

  My heart sinks. I turn around and purse my lips at Dave, jokily. ‘Fine. As long as neither of you takes the piss.’

  I nod at the doorway and they both step aside to make way for me. Dave is entertained, but I get the feeling Van is decidedly less so.

  Joel jumps at the offer to all travel together. He and I sit on the camper’s bench seat while Dave and Van ride up front.

  ‘I can’t believe you’re making me do this,’ I mutter at him over the sound of Oasis blaring from the car’s stereo.

  ‘It’ll be fun,’ he replies, squeezing my hand.

  And it is, once I’ve got the climbing-into-a-soggy-sandy-wetsuit part out of the way.

  We warm up and practise on the beach before taking to the waves. I actually manage to stand up on my third try, and before the end of the lesson, I’m surfing almost the whole way to the shore.

  Joel holds his hands aloft and claps and cheers for me. I think it helps that I’m so small. I remember Van surfing to the shore on only about his second or third try when we were ten.

  ‘I saw you stand up,’ Van comments casually later. We’re at the café, seated at a table on the dunes amongst big tufts of marram grass. Joel and Dave have gone up to order. ‘That was good.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I mutter, tapping my fingers on the table.

  He sighs quietly. ‘Are we going to be okay?’

  ‘I don’t know, are we?’ I sound totally narky.

  He doesn’t speak for a few seconds. ‘Should Dave and I just leave?’

  I shake my head, begrudgingly, but don’t say anything.

  ‘This is hard for me too, you know.’ His tone is beseeching, but I can’t take it.

  ‘Could’ve fooled me,’ I snap, digging my toes into the soft white sand beneath my feet.

  An expression of deep sadness comes over his features. After a moment, he reaches across the table and hooks my little finger with his.

  I snatch it away like I’ve been burnt.

  At the edge of my vision, I see Joel and Dave returning and plaster a fake smile on my face.

  Luckily, they’re both talkers, because Van and I say next to nothing. As we’re getting back in the car, Van turns to Dave. ‘Let’s go to Porthleven.’

  ‘Now?’ Dave asks him.

  ‘Yeah, I’m not done yet. Are you? We’ll drop these guys home first.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Joel butts in. ‘I’m keen to take a shower.’

  For the rest of the afternoon, I can’t shake the feeling that I’m never going to see Van again. When their campervan pulls up at four thirty, I almost cry with relief. This is my chance to make amends and I’m taking it.

  ‘Dinner’s on us!’ Dave calls, coming around the corner with supermarket shopping bags in his hands. Van follows with a couple more.

  ‘Thought we’d have a barbecue,’ Dave adds.

  ‘What a great idea!’ I say with enthusiasm. Joel and I are sitting at the table on the patio outside the annexe. ‘What can I do?’

  ‘Nothing. Stay there and chill out. You, on the other hand,’ he points at Joel, ‘can go and get four of our beers from the fridge.’

  Joel grins and gets up. I project a friendly smile at Van, but he’s wearing a hardened expression. He juts his chin in the direction of the annexe. ‘Can I get into the wardrobes?’

  ‘Sure.’ I jump to my feet and lead the way, my pulse jumping unpleasantly as I get the key from a hook by the door and unlock the wardrobes. Opening the doors, I step back and we stand and stare at the sandcastle painting before us.

  ‘We’ll be out of your hair in the morning,’ Van says in a low, tense voice.

  ‘Don’t go,’ I blurt. ‘I don’t want you to go.’

  ‘I can’t bear it, Nell,’ he whispers, and my heart wrenches from my chest at the sound of my name on his tongue.

  ‘It’ll be okay,’ I say. ‘Don’t leave. Please.’

  He’s staring straight ahead, but I take a step closer and get a hit of the ocean – cold, wild and free.

  ‘Everything all right?’ Joel asks loudly from the door, making us both jump.

  ‘Fine,’ I reply sharply. ‘Can you give us a minute?’

  He loiters.

  ‘We’ll see you outside in a bit.’ My tone is firm.

  He stalks out of the room.

  Van’s eyebrows pull together as he turns to look at me.

  ‘You don’t need to go,’ I stress, earnestly. ‘I want you to stay. I’ll try harder. Maybe we can be friends like you said. Maybe we can put things behind us. I’ll try, okay?’

  He nods slowly. ‘Okay.’

  A few days later, I answer the phone and hear Van on the end of the line. He’s been out surfing with Nick and Max and they’re now at The Boatman.

  ‘Brooke and Brad are here,’ he tells me, and from his loose, easy-going tone, I’m guessing he’s not on his first drink. ‘Brooke’s calling Ellie to get her to come down. Can you guys make it? Nick’s promising a lock-in,’ he whispers loudly.

  Things have been much more relaxed between us. It’s been a blessing having Dave around, who is so laidback, sweet and funny that I actually look forward to our evenings together.

  ‘I’ll have to pass it by Dad and Joel.’

  ‘Get Joel to drive and leave the car here,’ Van urges. ‘We’ll catch a cab back and pick it up in the morning.’ They got a lift with Nick and Max today so the campervan is still on the drive.

  ‘I’ll see what I can do.’

  As soon as I hang up, the phone rings. It’s Ellie, offering to drive. ‘I can’t drink, anyway, I’m seeing my grandparents first thing,’ she says.

  I commit to the plan then and there, filling Joel in afterwards. Dad won’t mind – he never needs an incentive to have an early night.

  I get ready quickly, choosing wedge heels, jeans and a soft, black jumper that falls loose off my shoulder, revealing the hot-pink bra strap underneath. I washed my hair after our lesson today and didn’t bother to dry it, so it’s falling down my back in loose waves. Spritzing some perfume on my wrists, I’m ready.

  Everyone is outside around a bench table when we arrive. The sun has set and the black river glints with the reflection of the festoon lights. Van is sitting sideways on the bench seat, looking relaxed in his ripped jeans and a blue-and-black tartan checked shirt. Brooke throws her head back and laughs at something Dave has said and Van glances our way, his attention fixing on my face.

  ‘Nell! Shit, you’re a babe, tonight!’ Nick exclaims with a grin, jumping to his feet.

  Joel recoils with alarm.

  ‘Nick, you remember my boyfriend, Joel,’ I say significantly as Nick wraps one arm around my shoulder and plants a kiss on my cheek. He’s clearly drunk.

  ‘All right, mate,’ Nick says to Joel with a grin, offering his free hand.

  Joel shakes it with a frown.

  ‘Looks like you guys have got some catching up to do.’ Nick flashes me a mischievous grin as he sets me free. ‘I’ll go to the bar. What are you having?’

  ‘Are you working?’ I ask with surprise.

  ‘Christ no,
I’m off my head, but I can still get you a drink. Or ten,’ he adds, grinning at Joel.

  ‘Ignore him,’ I say to Joel when we’ve sat down. ‘Nick’s a flirt, but he knows he’d never get anywhere with me.’

  ‘Nor me,’ Ellie says.

  Brooke’s cheeks turn pink. Ellie and I notice and burst out laughing.

  ‘Shuddup,’ she mutters. ‘It was once.’

  ‘It only ever is once,’ Max interjects with a chuckle.

  It’s a known fact that Nick doesn’t do commitment – holiday flings are about all he manages these days, partly because he’s exhausted the local girls.

  By the time Nick comes back with a tray full of shot glasses, we’ve moved on to another topic of conversation. ‘These are for you,’ he says meaningfully, placing four shots in front of Joel and me.

  ‘No way!’ Ellie states firmly when he places another two in front of her. ‘I’m driving.’

  ‘Don’t be boring,’ Nick says. ‘Catch a cab back.’

  ‘Nope. Can’t. Not doing it.’ She pushes them away.

  ‘Fine. In that case…’ Nick slides them over to Joel and me.

  ‘Are you joking?’ I ask. ‘I’ll be legless.’

  ‘Excellent.’ He rubs his hands together with glee. ‘I’ve never seen Nell legless.’

  He distributes the remaining shot glasses to the rest of the table, picking one up for himself. Everyone except Ellie follows suit, our mass of tiny glasses coming together with a series of chink-chink-chinks. Van knocks his back without hesitation, dragging his hand across his mouth and placing his empty glass down on the table. I swallow mine more slowly, wincing and pulling a face the entire time.

  ‘Next,’ Nick prompts, chuckling as he nods at Joel’s and my line of glasses.

  Joel shrugs and accepts the challenge, knocking his second one back. I can feel Van’s dark eyes on me as I pick up mine. What the hell, I don’t get drunk often. This shot goes down easier than the first, and I feel light-headed as the warmth rises up from my belly.

  Joel takes on his third with a grin. I groan and copy him, knocking it back in one.

  ‘Okay, now we’ve caught up,’ I say with a saccharine smile at Nick.

  ‘Awesome.’ He grabs a second tray of drinks from behind him and hands me the cider that I’d originally ordered.

  Brooke nudges me. ‘He’s even better looking than he was at fifteen.’