Forbidden

  I staggered backward. “No,” I whispered. “How can you do this? How can you turn your back on a husband who loves you, marriage and babies, and a life with your family?”

  Esther shook her head, looking at me condescendingly. “Perhaps a simple desert girl like you can’t understand, Jayden. The higher realms are too complicated.”

  “I’m intelligent enough to know that you’re insulting me.” I wanted to sink into the floor and disappear forever. Had I surrendered my soul to Ashtoreth? The worst part was I had enjoyed it.

  As I lifted my head to get my bearings and escape the sanctuary, I found myself looking straight into the face of one man who was not clapping at all for the dance performance. One man who was silent and still—beautiful and perfect and regal—and I swore my heart ripped out of my chest and fell to the slick marble floors. I instantly recognized that long, dark hair, the deep, bottomless eyes that saw everything.

  He stood apart from the rest of the crowd, between two of the elegant marble columns, wearing a swirling cloak of finely woven cloth with unusual foreign markings. And he was staring straight at me.

  Kadesh had witnessed me dancing for the Goddess of Ashtoreth.

  22

  I staggered back a step, as if I’d just seen a ghost.

  Confusion devoured me in the chaotic commotion that filled the room. Dancers and people pushed past me, blocking my line of vision. I blinked, trying to get a grip on my senses.

  I expected to see Kadesh again at the tent of my father, not here at the Temple of Ashtoreth. Why was he here? How did he find me? When did he return?

  More importantly, Kadesh was still alive.

  For one long, agonizing moment, we stood staring at each other, unmoving. My face burned. Horeb had tortured and humiliated me, but having Kadesh find me here, dancing in worship for the goddess in nothing but a sheer silk gown, seemed so much worse.

  I bowed my head, turning to stumble away in disgrace.

  Suddenly another man, a total stranger, stepped in front of me, his thick fingers grabbing at my hands, his eyes ogling the curves of my body. “I choose you for the Sacred Marriage,” he said, slipping his arm around my waist.

  “No!” I cried, jerking away. Immediately, I ran, afraid the stranger would grab me again and take me somewhere against my will.

  “Jayden!” Kadesh shouted behind me. The sound of his voice made me want to sink with shame, even as his voice flooded me with memories I’d held close to my heart the last few months.

  I kept running, trying to keep my balance as I nearly slipped on the glossy floor right in front of the jewel-draped statue of the goddess.

  Ashtoreth peered down her nose at me, her all-seeing eyes gazing straight into mine. Chills ran down my back. I would have sworn that her perfect, frozen smile had turned into a mocking sneer.

  A moment later, I reached the long, softly lit corridors; voices drifting from the rooms. Bursts of giggles. Low whispers and moans. I raced past dozens of doorways, not looking into their depths, not wanting to see the marriage rite of the goddess.

  The fiery torches wavered from their lofty perches on the walls as though laughing at me. In the ceiling above me, images of the goddess had been carved among the galaxy of stars. I dropped my eyes, then touched the spot on my thigh where I’d strapped the dagger, grateful I’d had the presence of mind to keep the knife with me when I’d left the baths.

  The corridor was dark and looped around like a maze, the goddess figurines dancing in the flickering flames of so many wall sconces.

  For a moment I lost Kadesh behind me. He was unfamiliar with the temple, and after Leila’s brief tour, I had an idea that I was headed in the right direction to reach our private rooms.

  My bare feet slapped the smooth tiles. Wind seemed to fill my ears as I ran and slipped and then banged my knee, leaping up again to try to find a door that would let me hide from Kadesh. I’d spent months waiting for Kadesh, yearning for him, and fearing he might be dead, but now I couldn’t see him, couldn’t face him, let alone look into his eyes.

  My first dance for him wearing sheer, lovely silk was supposed to be on our wedding night. In the wedding tent. Instead, I’d flaunted myself before the public, before other men, even as I blamed the High Priestess for her temptations, or the cloying perfumes that made my head ache, the sensuous music that roused me to the very core of my being.

  “Jayden!” he yelled again as I turned a corner and tried to hide. “Stop! Please!”

  I was lost in a maze of hallways, trying to find the apartments and dressing rooms I shared with Leila. I wanted to burn the temple clothes and change into my normal dress and become the daughter of Rebekah and Pharez again—the desert girl I really was.

  Finally, I saw a cracked door and headed toward it, the sound of Kadesh’s cloak slapping against his legs as he barreled down the hallway after me. “Jayden, please!” he called again in earnest, and the sound of him saying my name nearly made me halt.

  His voice! The voice I’d dreamed of for months. The voice I wanted whispering into my ears for the rest of my life.

  Instead, I pushed through the door where a sliver of light spilled to find an escape route—and stopped short.

  Candles lit the room, creating hideous shadows. Heavy, red draperies covered the walls, dulling sound and light. I saw an inlaid table of cedarwood. A bed with linen sheets.

  I let out a yelp as I saw my sister standing across the beautiful room with a strange man. I watched him peel Leila’s dress off her shoulders, stripping her naked. The man jerked his head toward the door and I stepped back into the shadows, holding my hands over my mouth so I wouldn’t break down.

  Leila snatched up her dress in an attempt to cover herself. “Jayden, what are you doing here?”

  “Who is she?” the man said, pouring two tumblers of red wine from a bottle perched on the cedar table.

  “My sister,” Leila snapped. “Jayden, you’re breaking the divine conduit to the goddess, and ruining everything.”

  “You’re mad,” I whispered, trembling so badly I was sure I’d collapse any moment. “Please come with me,” I begged her. “Please don’t do this! What would our mother say? This goes against everything we know.”

  Leila clutched her dress, but the strange man snatched it away from her body, grabbing her around the waist and bringing her down onto the bed with him. “No, Jayden. This is who I am. Who I want to be. Mother is gone and I can’t bear it, but I’m not a desert girl. Please go away!” She turned her head as the man laughed in a low, deep voice. “Just go!”

  “Is there nothing I can say to turn you away from this?” I whispered.

  Leila turned her face away from my eyes, vehemently shaking her head.

  The man unbuckled his dagger from his waist, pulling out the sharpened weapon while he stared at me. He grinned as Leila pulled a sheet over her bare legs. I backed toward the door, slammed it shut, and fell into the corridor.

  I tried to breathe. I couldn’t believe what was happening. The dishonor of the entire night bubbled up my throat, choking me. “Jayden!” I turned to see Kadesh coming toward me.

  Our eyes locked. “No. Please. I can’t face you, Kadesh,” I whispered, gulping for air. “Not like this. Not here. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’m disgraced. My mother would be ashamed of me. I’ve let her down. I’ve let you down. And I’ve let myself down. There is no forgiveness.”

  “No, Jayden, you’re—”

  I let out a sob as his hand reached out to brush my arm. Stumbling away from him, I sprinted down the corridor, searching again for an escape.

  I pushed through another door and stumbled into a small courtyard. Tall palm trees fluttered overhead, shadowy in the night air. I was running so fast, the momentum launched me into a table. Two cushioned chairs went crashing to the brick patio.

  Getting up again, I whirled around to find Kadesh right behind me.

  “I won’t let you get away from me again,” Kadesh said as he reached
out and spun me around, holding my arms fast. He stared at me, as if searching my face for the girl behind the rouge and pomegranate lips. “Oh, Jayden, the moment I saw you, I knew it was you. That I’d found you at last.” He was breathless and his hands gripped my shoulder where Horeb had sliced me with his knife. I grimaced at the brief moment of lingering pain, unable to look into those beautiful eyes.

  I thought the wound had nearly healed, and was surprised by the sudden tender throbbing. I swallowed my tears to hide the pain.

  “I’ve traveled hundreds of miles across the desert and never even made it home,” he said quietly.

  “What do you mean?” I asked, my voice shaking as though I were seeing a mirage in front of me.

  “The travel plans of the caravan were not what I expected. First, they went to Damascus and all the way southwest to Salem to dispatch deliveries. They returned to Tadmur at my insistence, even though they wanted to finally take the road south along the Red Sea to my homeland. But I knew I couldn’t be away from you for several more months, so I came back to take you home with me. We can never be apart again, my dearest Jayden. When I arrived at your camp today, I nearly went out of my mind when your cousin Hakak told me your father is gone on the raid and you and Leila were at the temple.”

  All the events of the past few months crashed through my mind as I sank to the patio, the rough bricks scraping my knees under the temple gown.

  I closed my eyes, fighting to hold back the tears, when I felt Kadesh sink to the patio with me, pulling me into his arms.

  I bowed my head against his chest. “I’ve shamed myself before you.” My throat was tight with love and sorrow and the exquisite nearness of him.

  When Kadesh brought me even closer to him, his cloak brushed against my bare toes, sending shivers up my spine.

  “No—” I started to say.

  “Please don’t tell me no,” he said huskily. “I’ve come too far to find you again,” he added, and then that lovely cloak swept around me, enclosing me as Kadesh folded his arms around me.

  The softness of his shirt brushed against my face, and the warmth and safety was almost more than I could bear. All the tears I’d bottled up for so long began to spill down my face. Tears of rage and fear, tears of shame and regret. And tears of relief as the dream of Kadesh I’d carried with me for so long finally surrounded me in reality.

  Kadesh’s voice—so close, so warm—was like an embrace. I could still recall in detail that day in the canyon lands when he first whispered my name and kissed my palms.

  “I never meant to come here,” I choked out. “Leila came to the temple, and I had to find her. My father is gone, Aunt Judith banished me, and Horeb—he—Abimelech is—I’ve shamed you. And my tribe. And my father.”

  Kadesh pulled me tighter. “You haven’t shamed yourself, or me,” he whispered. “The Temple of Ashtoreth is like the temples of the Sariba Goddess in the southern lands. I understand more than you think.”

  I shook my head, mumbling into the folds of his beautiful cloak. “I don’t deserve your kindness.”

  “Kindness? I found you before it was too late, just when I thought you might be lost to me forever.”

  Our bodies melded together as Kadesh touched my hair and trailed his fingers down my face. “In the sanctuary, you were a nameless, faceless dancer. Nobody knew who you were except for me. And I will make sure with my very last breath that you never dance for anybody else again—until you dance for me on our wedding night.”

  Shivers ran down my arms at the warmth of his hands as he clasped mine, lacing our fingers tight. Letting out a shaky breath, I pressed my lips against his palm. Fresh tears streamed down my face.

  He cupped his hands around my face and looked into my eyes. “I thank the god in heaven that I found you. And you are still alive and safe.”

  “You’re alive, Kadesh. There were moments I feared I’d never see you again, but you’re truly here. Tell me everything that’s happened the last few months.” I stared into his face, sensing something else. “Are you all right?” I asked.

  He shook his head, brushing off my concerns. “It’s been a long summer. The caravans had trouble on the way to Salem. Robbery, stolen goods, wells that are drying up, which took some of our herd. And then came the news that Horeb and a band of men were pursuing us. At least they were headed for Damascus when we were already finished with our business there and on our way to Salem.”

  He glanced up for a moment and I could sense his hesitation, his grave countenance.

  “What is it, Kadesh? Tell me.”

  “I received word that my uncle has been very ill, news that has weighed heavily on my heart.”

  “I’m so sorry. You should have gone to him already.”

  Kadesh shook his head. “My family is large and complicated. That’s the only way I can explain it right now. But it’s nothing for you to worry about. You’ve had a summer of grief, too, Jayden. And I was terrified that Horeb had already carried you off and you were lost to me.”

  “Why would you think that?”

  “Your family was threatening to move the marriage sooner. And because I visited the Nephish camp this morning, as I told you. I know that Abimelech is dead. For that, I am very sorry. He had spoken privately with me about tribal affairs and hinted at a potential alliance.”

  “I know,” I whispered. “Horeb told me. He’s the one that killed Abimelech.”

  “I suspected as much. Horeb was about to lose his position. That is usually the first suspect when a tribal leader is killed.”

  “How long ago were you at the oasis?”

  “Just a few hours. Instead of you, I found an empty tent, your father gone on a foolish raid, and King Abimelech dead. The last of your camels were taken by Judith.”

  My stomach dropped at my aunt’s audacity, but I had to know about my father. “Are the men of my tribe safe?”

  Kadesh nodded. “So far, yes. And your father is alive.”

  I sagged with relief. But what would my father do when he learned Leila and I were living at the temple? “I also heard rumors of you pulling a knife on Horeb.”

  “Who told you that?” I asked.

  “Your grandmother Seraiah.” He smiled. “She’s quite something.”

  I smiled back at him. “I could never have survived that night without her.”

  His eyes locked on to mine as I gripped the folds of his tunic, remembering that night of terror, my dagger glinting in the moonlight in Horeb’s fist. Softly, I said, “The image of my uncle Abimelech dying stays constantly in my mind. I watched him take his last breath.”

  He stared deep into my face. “Horeb—he hurt you, didn’t he?”

  I bit at my lips, not wanting to talk about that night. “Blackmail now hangs over my head, Kadesh, and I’ve been shunned from the camp. With my father gone, I had nowhere else to turn but come here and find Leila.”

  Kadesh continued to study me and I dropped my head, as if he could see my thoughts. “But you stayed at the temple, Jayden. . . . Why?”

  “When I came I—I wasn’t well—”

  “I will kill him if he ever hurts you,” Kadesh said, his voice low and hard.

  I put a hand up to stop him and my fingers touched his mouth, the lips I’d dreamed of kissing a thousand times the past many months. “I couldn’t leave Leila. She refuses to come with me back home. She wants to train as a temple priestess. And tonight, I know exactly what that means.” My voice broke off, images of my sister in that bedroom like a searing iron behind my eyes. “I will always feel guilty knowing you found me here.”

  Using his fingers, Kadesh wiped at the tears trailing along my cheeks. “Circumstances were desperate and unusual. I could never look at you differently, Jayden. Why would I shun you for trying to stay alive? For defending yourself and your sister? Of course you needed to come here when you lost the protection of your tribe. There is no one to blame but Horeb.”

  “He’s gone mad, I fear. In his own mind he has go
od reasons for everything he’s done since he—we—lost Zenos, his elder brother. I pray I never see him again.”

  He gave me a brief smile. “We think alike, daughter of Pharez.”

  There was a moment of utter quiet as we looked into each other’s eyes and then Kadesh bent his head down and crushed his lips against mine. I wrapped my arms around his neck, opening my mouth, kissing him back so deeply I was sure I must be soaring. As if my soul would leave my body and take flight into the universe of stars overhead.

  Even as I savored his mouth on my lips and neck and eyes, his hands tangled in the curls of my hair, what we were doing was forbidden. I was breaking my family’s betrothal with each kiss, each stolen caress, and each whispered word.

  I was willing to sacrifice my life and my family and my reputation for Kadesh. We were meant to be together, and no one could tell me otherwise. His lips lingered on mine, softly kissing me over and over again, and I drowned in the sensation.

  When we broke apart to catch our breaths I gazed into his dark eyes as he brushed my hair from my face. He bowed his head over my hand, kissing each of my fingers, and then finally pressing his lips into my palm as he’d done so long ago.

  “If you do not leave to go home,” I told him quietly, “Horeb will eventually find you, and he’ll kill you without blinking twice. Without my clan and tribe, an outcast, we have no protection, nobody to call on to help us.”

  “I’m not planning on challenging them, especially not alone. I know how to keep a low profile.” His hand slid down my arm and he grasped my fingers to pull me to my feet. “Come here. We need to talk.”

  Kadesh checked the outer tile paths that circled the temple to make sure we were still alone. Then he led me to the table, where we sank into two cushioned chairs facing each other, inches apart, our knees pressed together as we clasped hands, our grip so tight I thought we might never come apart again.

  “I’ve sent a message to my uncle with the returning caravan that I had business in Tadmur and would return home in a few weeks.”

  “How did you get here? Surely you didn’t walk again.”