Seeking Eden

  “Shh.” Elanna put her arms around the girl. “Shh, sweetheart, it’s okay.”

  The comforting came as second nature to her; the irony that she was soothing the enemy did not escape her. But what else could she do? The girl was crying, and she was just a child, really. Not a soldier, not like those others. Certainly not like Kodak, who had thrown her gun to the ground and was now trying to throttle Tobin.

  The girl was large, and she was obviously strong, but pitted against a man as tall as Tobin, she had to stand on her tiptoes to get a good grip. Tobin managed to get his hands up around hers, and began pulling. The other two soldiers stood stunned, seemingly unable to respond.

  Now Tobin had Kodak’s wrists pinned with his, wrenching her hands away from his throat. She was still screaming, sharp short bursts of angry barking that sounded like they had to be shredding her throat. A word slipped through here and there, a “fuck” or a “shit”, and once even a “goddamn tits on fire” that Elanna couldn’t make sense of in her muddled state.

  Tayler and Winslow were still standing goggle-eyed, weapons dropped at their sides. Little Dallas huddled against Elanna, squeezing her hard around the waist. The girl buried her face in Elanna’s stomach, her shoulders thin and bony beneath Elanna’s soothing fingers.

  With one final heave, Tobin threw Kodak away from him. She went down heavily, landing in the dirt with a thump that nearly buckled Elanna’s legs. The Gapper was on her feet in an instant, blue eyes raging and her blonde hair matted with dirt and sweat. With fists clenched, she spat on the ground again.

  “Come on, you fuck.” Her mouth stretched in a frightening grin. She gestured with her hands before closing them into fists again. “Come on, then. Show me what you got.”

  Elanna saw the hesitation in Tobin’s eyes. He didn’t know how to fight. Whatever had gotten him this far was anger and instinct. He was no match for a soldier, trained in combat, even if he was a man and she no more than a girl.

  “All right.” Tobin opened his arms wide, as though he were going to embrace Kodak instead of fight her. “Give it to me.”

  With a roar of rage, Kodak launched herself at Tobin. He stepped aside at the final moment. Kodak nearly went sprawling in the dust. She whirled around, expression crafty.

  “I knew you were a pussy,” she said with a laugh that left Elanna cold. “Just like them.”

  Tobin didn’t say anything. Though Elanna couldn’t see his face, his body was tense, his knees bent a little and his hands outstretched. Distractedly, Elanna realized she was seeing him through a fine red haze. She was going to pass out, and soon.

  “Gonna have to let you go,” she murmured to Dallas in a slurred voice she almost didn’t recognize as her own.

  “No! No!” Dallas wailed and clutched her harder.

  Kodak flung herself at Tobin again, and this time he wasn’t able to move out of her way. She wrapped her arms around him, almost like a lover, and used her legs to kick at his. She was too close for Tobin to really get in any blows, so he sunk his fingers into the dirty length of her hair and pulled.

  “God damn dirty fighter!” Tayler shrieked, finally coming to life.

  Kodak let go, twisting around suddenly. Tobin still had hold of her hair, but now she faced away from him. Elanna could see a look of madness on her face. She was still grinning.

  Kodak bent at the waist as though she’d been shot. At the same time, she snapped her head downward, despite the grip Tobin had in her hair. He didn’t have time to let go. Her forward motion threw him off balance and he fell at her side, fingers still tangled in her hair.

  Kodak ripped her head upright, leaving a chunk of blonde strands still in Tobin’s hands. She fell on him, using her hands and feet, and, Elanna saw with horror, even her teeth. She sat on Tobin’s chest, knees locked on his ears and hit his face.

  Winslow ran toward Kodak and Tobin. “Sir! Let go, Sir!”

  “You’re killing him, Sir!” Tayler cried, running too.

  “Damn fucking straight I’m killing him!” Kodak yelled. With sick terror Elanna saw her lips were wet, glistening red with Tobin’s blood. “I’m going to fucking murderize this fuck!”

  “Sir, no, Sir!” Tayler cried. “The General says he wants both of them, Sir!”

  “Fuck the General!” Kodak screamed, fists still flailing on Tobin’s face. “This fuckwad called me a bitch!”

  “Sir! You are a bitch, Sir!” Winslow yelled.

  Both Tayler and Winslow had their hands on Kodak, who writhed like a rabid animal. Tobin wasn’t moving. Tayler and Winslow pulled Kodak off him, both of them using all their strength.

  “If you kill him the General will kill you!” Winslow cried in Kodak’s ear.

  “Get her in the truck!” Tayler yelled to Winslow. “Leave the asshole here! He’s not going anywhere. We’ll get them back to base and come back for him later!”

  “But the General said --” Winslow began and ducked out of the way as Kodak let out another scream of fury and tried to bite her.

  “We’ll get him later!” Tayler dodged Kodak’s feet as she kicked. “We don’t have a choice! Maybe the bitch will be enough!”

  Winslow didn’t have time to protest. “Let’s move!”

  She began shoving Kodak toward the truck. Tayler followed, barking orders to the other two Gappers who’d been watching the entire ordeal. Those two began moving toward Elanna.

  “No!” Elanna cried, trying her best to peel Dallas away from her. The girl clung like a leech, wailing. Elanna’s legs wouldn’t move. Her ears filled with a heavy buzzing and the fine red haze grew thick in her eyes. She managed one step, but that was all.

  Her stomach lurched and her legs buckled. Tobin’s face, his eyes rolled back in his head and his cheeks pale, was the last thing she saw before the red haze overtook her. And then she was lost in it, the buzzing blocking all the noise around her except for a new voice in her ear.

  “Fuck,” said the voice. “This one’s out, too.

  −

  37-

  Every part of him was in agony, particularly the spot just below his ear, where that bitch had nearly taken a chunk out of him with her teeth. But he wasn’t unconscious. Just waiting.

  It wouldn’t do Elanna any good if he got killed, which is what Kodak wanted to do to him. It wouldn’t do either of them any good if they both were taken back to the Gapper’s base. So, though it hurt his heart a million times worse than his body’s pains to let her go, Tobin lay in the dirt and pretended to be dead. Or close to dead, it didn’t matter. They were taking Elanna and not him.

  He heard the rumble of the truck as it started and sped away. Now he stayed on the ground because he didn’t think he could get up. He didn’t want to feel the damage Kodak’s fists, feet and teeth had done to him, not on top of what he’d already sustained from the car crash and everything else he’d gone through over the past few months.

  “Into the haus take him,” a voice said.

  “Careful!” That was Rachel. He felt the brush of her skirts as she knelt beside him. She smiled at him and brushed the hair from his forehead. “Be still.”

  “I have to follow them.” Nothing moved but Tobin’s mouth and his eyes as he blinked.

  “Shh.” Rachel’s gaze was troubled. She glanced away from him, looking far away. To where the truck had gone, maybe? “Later, you will go. Now, you will rest.”

  “No,” Tobin said. He still didn’t get up. His arms and legs felt removed from him, but not numb. No, he hadn’t been granted that relief.

  “Yes,” Rachel said firmly. Two men he didn’t know appeared beside her. “Daniel, David. Lift him and to the haus carry him. Sadie! Mary!”

  Like magic, Sadie and Mary appeared next to Rachel. Their faces were nearly identical beneath the white caps, though Mary looked a few years older. They both looked like Rachel. Daughters, then.

  “Some water, boil,” Rachel said, and rattled off a list of other chores. The girls nodded in unison, their brown eyes wide
as they stared at Tobin. “Go!”

  He wanted to protest more, but suddenly, he was too tired.

  -*-

  They put Elanna in a small room by herself and locked the door from the outside. They gave her a small lantern with a burning candle in it, a pile of clothes, a basin of water, some rags, and miraculously, an entire package of super sized maxi pads. The kind with wings. She hadn’t seen any of those in years. Experience told her the self-stick adhesive on the back would have long ago lost its stick, but they’d included a few safety pins, too.

  Dallas didn’t want to leave her, but they pulled her away with taunts and jeers. Elanna watched her go, wishing she could help but unable to do anything except sink down on the low cot. Too late, she realized that she’d stain the covers, but she couldn’t care. She needed to lie down or else she’d pass out again.

  She didn’t know how much time passed before she finally opened her eyes again. She shifted on the bed, wincing at the way her thighs stuck together. She swallowed in disgust, then remembered the basin of water and the rags.

  They were on the floor where she’d left them. Elanna managed to sit up, waiting for a gush of blood. When it didn’t come, she breathed in relief and swung her legs over the bed.

  Standing was more of a challenge, but she felt all right. It had never taken her so long to recover after losing a baby before, but then she’d never been subjected to the same stresses, either.

  The apron and small cape were no problem to untie, but she fumbled with the unfamiliar snaps at the skirt’s waist. She was used to buttons and zippers, not these odd little metal clasps that hooked into each other. She finally figured it out, and the heavy skirt, made heavier from the weight of her blood, dropped to the floor.

  She stepped out of it, not wanting to look at her thighs and legs, but unable to avoid seeing. Blood had caked and dried in great maroon splashes from hips to ankles. She closed her eyes for a minute against the sight, though blood never made her feel dizzy. Blood, especially blood like this, was as much a part of a hopemother’s life as breathing. Still, she needed to gather her courage before looking again.

  The water in the basin turned a dark murky brown before she half finished the job, but she managed to clean herself. The skirt and the underclothes were ruined. She felt worse about that than anything else, because she knew how hard Rachel and her daughters, nieces and sisters had worked to make even these simple garments. It was a waste, the worst sort of sin, but she could do nothing about it.

  She took off her shirt and tossed it to the floor as well. It could be saved, at least, though not without a good scrubbing. She found a pair of underwear in the pile of clothes they’d given her. She pulled the bulky material over her legs and up around her waist, fingering the slit in the front with confusion. Men’s underwear?

  She slipped one of the thick pads in place, then used the safety pins to hold it. She sorted through the rest of the clothes. White socks and a sleeveless shirt. She pulled it over her head. It was too big. Another shirt and a pair of pants, both of the same green as the Gappers uniforms. It looked like someone had splashed dirt or paint or something all over the clothes. There were green, black and brown splotches all over it. As she pulled them on, Elanna thought about the trees she’d seen from the roadside. Clothes like this would blend in perfectly.

  Now that she was dressed and clean, she looked at the bed. It wasn’t too bad. Only the top cover, a rough, shabby blanket the same shade of green as the clothes, had been spotted. She scrubbed at the stains with one of the rags, but it wasn’t much help. She stripped the cover back to expose the plain white sheet beneath.

  There wasn’t much else to do except sit back down. The room wasn’t large enough even to pace in, should she have wished to walk. She didn’t. Lying down felt fine to her, though the bed was hard and the sheets smelled vaguely of must. They hadn’t even given her a pillow for her head.

  Mold marked the damp ceiling. Several cracks ran along it, zigging and zagging in patterns so random she couldn’t even force her mind to find a picture in them. The flickering light from the candle should have helped, but didn’t. She didn’t need cracks in the ceiling to have pictures in her head. Elanna thought about Tobin, pale on the ground, and she wanted to cry.

  He’ll be fine, she told herself, fighting away the tears. She had to think that, or go as crazy as Kodak. He’d be fine, and she’d get out of here, away from this place with its mold and its cracks.

  She must have slept, but without dreams. She woke without opening her eyes, sensing it would be just as dark either way. The candle had burned out. How long ago, she couldn’t tell. How long had she been here? Her bladder, uncomfortably full, told her it had been too long.

  The door had no knob on her side, and no window either. She had no warning that it would fly open, sending a shaft of blinding light inward, and when it did, Elanna sat up on the bed so fast she thought she was going to fall on the floor. The door banged against the wall and swung halfway shut. Someone kicked it open again.

  “Back against the wall!” A voice ordered.

  Elanna didn’t move. She had no place to go. The door didn’t hit the wall so hard this time, and so it didn’t close so much either. One of the Gappers appeared in it, one she’d never seen before. A teener girl, carrying a tray of food.

  “Eat this,” said the girl. “And then you’re coming with me.”

  “Where?” Elanna asked the only question that made sense.

  “To see the General,” said the Gapper. “He wants to meet you.”

  −

  38-

  He healed faster this time. Maybe his body was getting so used to being beaten up that it reacted quicker, Tobin thought with as much humor as he could muster under the circumstances. Or maybe it was the vile tea Rachel had forced him to drink, telling him it “make you feel better vill.”

  Whatever it was, he could sit up in bed without feeling the world spin. If he touched one of the many bruises dotting his skin, it hurt, but if he left them alone he was mostly okay. Leaving them alone seemed like a pretty smart thing to do.

  He itched to be on the move. Every second he lay in bed was one more eternity away from Elanna. What were they doing to her? She had to still be alive. Had to be. Wouldn’t he know it if she were dead? Surely he’d feel it, somehow. The way he’d feel it if someone cut off one of his arms or legs. She had become that much a part of him.

  He’d read about it in hundreds of books, but he’d never actually felt it before. Love. The word tasted bitter on his tongue when he mumbled it to himself. He loved Elanna, and he cursed himself for all the time he’d wasted without telling her. For not making love to her when she’d wanted him to. For bringing her with him at all.

  Infuriatingly, nobody seemed to be as worried as he was. Rachel tried to mother him, patting his head and tucking the covers around him. Enoch just lifted his hands in a gesture of innocence when Tobin asked where they’d taken her and what they might do to her. Samuel, the old man, was the worst.

  “Worry not about your woman,” he said sourly. “Gone, she is. And gone should you be, too! Before back they come for you!”

  “Papa,” Rachel scolded gently, herding the old man out of Tobin’s room. And then something in the language he didn’t know, but he could guess what she meant. “Leave him alone.”

  Just yesterday the Gappers had taken Elanna, but it might as well have been last year, or ten years ago, for as much as it seemed to have changed these people’s lives. They rose with the dawn, worked hard all day just to eke out a daily survival, and went to sleep with the evening.

  He hadn’t been asked to work. He knew nothing of shoeing horses, or mending harnesses. He couldn’t plow a field, and he couldn’t milk a cow. He was worthless here as a man, and he hated it.

  As soon as Rachel let him out of bed, he went out to the Stolzfus back yard, a tidy fenced area that looked out to the fields. The first spikes of green were pushing their way up from the rich brown earth.
Some of the younger children were out there, feet bare and heads covered, plucking weeds and stones from the ground. The men were fixing one of the barns, high up on the roof. A hole as large as a man’s waist marred the shingles, but they worked quickly. They would fix it by lunchtime.

  He looked around the yard, bright in the spring sunshine. He didn’t belong here. He could learn to plow and sow, hammer and fix and work, and milk the cows he heard mooing in the barn but hadn’t yet seen. He scuffled about in the dooryard, kicking stones with the heavy, clunky shoes that had been Enoch’s. Everyone seemed to have jobs. Even the youngest children picked up sticks and swept the yard clean of leaves. Elanna fit in. He didn’t.