Xander_Part One

  Xan looks at me, tears running down his cheeks. He drops to his knees in front of where I'm sitting in the chair, wraps his arms around my waist, and buries his face in my stomach.

  I run my fingers through his hair, soothing him as he struggles. I don't want him to feel guilty. I can't live with that, just as I couldn't live with him giving everything up for me.

  "Xander," I say softly. He doesn't look up, but I know he's listening. "I need you to do something for me. I need you to leave."

  His head jerks up. His eyes are such a vivid blue. It's so easy to get lost in them. So easy.

  "Linc, can you give us a minute?"

  He nods and leaves the room.

  "What are you doing, Tera?" Xan asks.

  "What needs to be done. I'm not me right now, Xander. The way you're touching me right now is my limit. Anything more than that and I'll freak the fuck out. I need to heal my body some more, but most of all I need to heal my mind and that's going to take me a long time," I admit.

  His brow furrows. "You don't want me here?"

  "I didn't say that. I'm telling you you need to fulfill your obligations. You won't miss anything here—".

  "I'll miss you," he interrupts.

  "I'll miss you so much, Xan. God, I love you so much. More now than ever. You're my husband, the love of my life, and I'd be a really selfish person if I allowed you to throw away your career to sit here and do nothing while I paint, go to physical therapy, go see my shrink, and figure out how to heal. This part I need to do on my own. Even you can't do this for me, baby," I tell him gently.

  He nods. "I know. I wish I could fix it all. I wish I'd been there. None of this would've happened."

  "Stop that right now," I tell him as tears fall from my eyes. "You did nothing wrong. Nothing. Don't you dare feel guilty over this. Don't give them that. Don't give them anything."

  "It's not that easy," he tells me with a watery smile.

  "I know, baby. I know. This isn't easy for me to do. You've been my rock, but I don't want you to be my crutch. I know you're a phone call or a flight away. I promise you, if something happens, if I just need to talk to you to get me through a hard time, I will call you immediately, no matter the time. I'll interrupt you during a show. I promise." This is what he's asked of me. It's the least I can do or the man who owns my heart and soul, the man who's looked out for me for the last eight weeks without so much as a complaint.

  He lets out a sigh of frustration. "I don't want to do this."

  "I know. But you have to."

  He looks into my eyes and I feel him searching for something—the truth. I let him see it. I let him see that I need him to do this not only for himself and his career, but for me as well. He can't miss out on something so amazing because he wants to sit here and make sure I'm okay. I can't allow him to do that. At some point he'd realize what he gave up and he'd resent me, especially if my career takes off. I couldn't live with that.

  "For you, my wife, I'll do anything," he says softly. "I'll come home as often as I can."

  "I know. That's perfect. I need you to play your ass off for me. I need you to enjoy this, Xander, because it's the beginning of the rest of your life. We've already got our beginning, let's just add this to that, okay?" I ask.

  "I love you so much, Tera Mackenzie. I can't live without you," he tells me before kissing me so slowly and tenderly it's as if he's making love to me with his mouth.

  "You'll never have to live without me, Xander. You're my husband and I'm the old ball and chain," I tease.

  He smirks a little. "You'll never be that. You'll always be my heart."

  "As you are mine."

  He kisses me again until we're interrupted by his phone. He looks at it. It's Jesse.

  "You need to get going, Xan. This is no different than the last time we were apart," I explain. "While you're out there, Xander, I want you to forgive yourself. Nothing was your fault. You were doing the right thing. I would have never been okay with you risking your career for that night."

  "I'd give up everything for you and never regret it for a minute."

  He means it. He really does. But time has a way of changing things, turning things around and, sometimes, making them ugly.

  "I love you, Xander Mackenzie. Make me prouder than I already am."

  "I promise," he whispers against my lips. One last lingering kiss and he walks out. I know that cost him, to not look back, but if he had, he wouldn't have gone, and I love him too much to let him stay.

  Three months later I'm still not me. This is unfair to Xander on so many levels, so I'm going to do something that will haunt me. I'm doing this for him.

  "Xander," I say.

  "Yeah, baby," he replies. Phone calls have become our life.

  "I need you to do something for me."

  "Anything."

  I close my eyes. "I don't know how long it's going to take for me to be well again."

  "What? I thought you were doing better?" he asks.

  "I am, I am. That's not what I mean." I take a steadying breath. "I mean as far as intimacy goes."

  "Baby, I'm not worried about that."

  "I am."

  He pauses. "What? Why?"

  "This isn't fair to you. I know what it's like out there on the road, the women, the opportunities. Before…" I swallow down a sob. "Before, when I was able to make love to you, this was okay. But I can't give you that right now and I don't know when I'll be able to."

  "What's going on, Tera?" He sounds so confused, almost hurt and I don't blame him. I'm feeling the same.

  "I'm going to make a deal with you. While you're there and I'm here and we're unable to change any of that, I want you to know that it's okay if you fuck other women."

  "What did you just say?" he bites out. "I don't want to fuck other women."

  "Please. Hear me out."

  Silence. He's upset, angry. I'm breaking my own heart.

  "If you want to fuck someone, I have two rules. Always use a condom and never let it get personal. If ever it gets personal with someone, I'd like to know and we can discuss it, figure out where to go from there," I tell him sadly.

  "Let me see if I get this right. You're giving me permission to fuck chicks if I use a condom and it's just a hook up." Oh, that tone. Yes, he's definitely angry.

  I'm so sorry, Xander. I need to give you this. I'm too broken to give you me.

  "Yes, that's right."

  Silence. I wait.

  "When you get better are you going to fuck other guys?" he bites out.

  "That's not in my plans, no."

  "But it's not out of the question."

  "I don't know what the future has in store, Xan."

  "Jesus Christ, Tera. You want an open marriage?"

  "No. No. An open marriage implies it's okay for you to fuck the same person more than once or let it mean something. That's not okay. Just the physical act. Just a fuck," I answer, digging my nails into my forearm to stop myself from crying.

  "Why are you doing this?"

  "Because I love you more than any of that. Because you're a man and you have needs. I heard Ben talking about how amped up you are when you come off that stage, how fucking someone gives you the release you need to come down from that adrenaline high. I don't want you to suffer in any way, shape, or form. I love you more than any of this, Xander."

  I sob into the pillow as I wait for him to speak.

  "I don't think I can do that, Tera."

  "Just know that if you need to, it's okay. Oh, one more rule. I never want to know about it. Ever."

  He chuckles and it's such a sad sound.

  "So, condom. No one that matters—just a fuck. Keep it quiet. I don't want to see you in the tabloids like that. I don't think… It just wouldn't be okay. I don't ever want to know about it," I say again.

  "I heard the rules the first time, T. I don't understand any of this. I fucking love you so much. I don't need other women. I've got my hand until you're ready, no matter how long it
takes. I don't care. You hear me? I don't care. I'll wait forever for you," he says.

  "I hear you. I love you more than anything, Xander."

  "I love you, too, baby. So fucking much." I hear someone call for him. "Fuck. I gotta go. Another appearance."

  "Go do me proud, baby," I encourage.

  "Always. Anything for you. I'll talk to you soon, baby. Feel me love you from here," he tells me.

  "Feel me loving you back."

  I hang up and then I crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep.

  Epilogue

  Xander

  Our pattern has been set. I go visit her when I can for as long as I can. It's at least once a month and not nearly enough. Every time I have to leave, I leave a piece of myself behind. That piece of me belongs to her.

  It's nearly a year later when we finally make love again at her request. That's how I knew she was ready. I never pushed. I just waited.

  The first time I fucked a groupie was two months after she all-but told me she wanted me to. I imagined it was Tera. I hated myself for it, but she was right. I did need that. It'd been I don't know how many months. The self-loathing I felt after had me asking if it was worth it. I showered in the hottest water possible and let it scald me to wash off the dirty.

  No matter how many times I fucked someone else, and it wasn't often, it never got easier. It was her I wanted. Always Tera. Always my wife.

  Christmas 2014, our tenth anniversary, I asked her to come to me. That night she said yes. I know what that means for her, my agoraphobic wife. It means a hell of a lot of hard work and intense therapy for her so she can make good on her promise.

  As I tell her time after time, I'd wait for her forever.

  She is everything.

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  Acknowledgments

  To my amazing editor, Nicole – Thank you for putting up with me. I know I move my dates around a lot and I can't thank you enough for your patience or your willingness to accommodate me.

  To Melissa, my right hand, my bestie. Without you, I wouldn't be sane nor would I be able to keep up with the demands of this job. Thank you so much.

  To Mandi, my sissy. Thank you for handling the Daily Eye Candy for the ladies of the Rockstar Group. Thank you for always being there and thank you for your support.

  To My Mom, my biggest fan. Thanks for the encouragement, always listening and helping me brainstorm, being the first to read everything, and always telling me the truth.

  To the ladies of the Rockstar Group – Thank you for being so awesome. Your posts and comments help me get through some of the hardest times. I sincerely appreciate you.

  To the Inner Sanctum – Thank you, thank you, thank you. I know ever word comes from your heart.

  To Rhonda James, TC Matson, and JA Low – Thank you for always listening, always encouraging, always supporting, and for always giving me a laugh when I need it most. You ladies are amazing!

  To the readers – Thanks for liking my stories! Thanks for loving the Rockstars. Thank you for always wanting more.

  I'm sure I forgot someone, and for that I'm truly sorry.

  Xander Playlist

  SPOTIFY PLAYLIST

  Who I am With You - Chris Young

  Break Your Heart - Taio Cruz, Ludacris

  A Woman Like You - Lee Brice

  Can’t Stop - After 7

  How Could I Want More - Jamie Lynn Spears

  The Memory Will Never Die - Default

  Stay With Me - You Me At Six

  Come Wake Me Up - Rascal Flatts

  You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet - Bachman-Turner Overdrive

  Don’t Do Me Like That - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

  The Waiting - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

  It’s All Coming Back To Me - Celine Dion

  Faithfully - Journey

  Little Jeannie – Elton John

  Woman - 2010 - Remastered - John Lennon

  Dreaming With A Broken heart - John Mayer

  If You’re Gone - Matchbox 20

  I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues – Elton John

  I’ll Be Over You - Toto

  Heaven In Your Eyes - Loverboy

  Strung Out - Steve Perry

  Just Between You and Me – April Wine

  Just Between You and Me - Lou Gramm

  Since You've Been Gone – The Outfield

  Call Your Name - Daughtry

  Wild Is The Wind – Bon Jovi

  She's Out Of Her Mind – Blink-182

  You Can Do It – Ice Cube

  Night Changes – One Direction

  Glad You Came - The Wanted

  The Older I get - Skillet

  Smoke N Mirrors - Syd Youth

  Chains - Nick Jonas

  Never Let You Go - Third Eye Blind

  Easy - Faith No more

  Three Times A Lady - The Commodores

  Let’s Groove - Earth, Wind, & Fire

  Super Freak - Rick James

  A Thousand Years - Christina Perri

  Insensitive - Jann Arden

  You Learn - Alanis Morissette

  Let It go - Pop Evil

  Come Back to Me - David Cook

  Heavy - Collective Soul

  Turn the Page - Metallica

  Poundcake - Van Halen

  (Oh) Pretty Woman - Van Halen

  Calling You - Blue October

  My Sacrifice - Creed

  Wherever You Will Go - The Calling

  Whatever It Takes - Lifehouse

  Permanent - David Cook

  Breaking Inside - Shinedown

  Blurry - Puddle of Mudd

  Better Than Me - David Cook

  Crawling in the Dark - Hoobastank

  If you Don’t Know Me By Now - Simply Red

  Senorita - Justin Timberlake

  Lollipop - Framing Hanley

  I Touch Myself - Divinyls

  Head Over Feet - Alanis Morissette

  I’m the Only One - Melissa Etheridge

  Somewhere Out There - Our Lady Peace

  Love Song - Tesla

  Wanted Man - Ratt

  Wake Up Call - Nothing But Thieves

  Dear Agony - Breaking Benjamin

  I Will Not Bow - Breaking Benjamin

  Fake It - Seether

  Right Here - Staind

  Here Without You - 3 Doors Down

  Keep On Loving You - REO Speedwagon

  Alive - Adelitas Way

  Here’s To The Heartache - Nothing More

  When You Were Young - The Killers

  I Don’t Apologize (1000 Pictures) - Otherwise

  Crazy - Royal Bliss

  Fall For You - Secondhand Serenade

  Snuff - Slipknot

  Welcome To Your Life - GroupLove

  Cold Water - Major Lazer MO Justin Bieber

  Troublemaker - Olly Murs & Flo Rida

  Better Than Me - David Cook

  Right Here Waiting - Chase Holfelder

  Give - You me At Six

  In Case You Don’t Remember - Jason Aldean

  Home To Me - Sarah Darling

  Kiss You Inside Out - Hedley

  Million Reasons - Lady Gaga

  You and I - Lady Gaga

  Find Me - Kings Of Leon

  Without Me - Eminem

  Fire Woman - The Cult

  Moth Into Flame - Metallica

  Addicted To Love - Robert Palmer

  You Look Good – Lady Antebellum

  The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face – Roberta Flack

  The Most Beautiful Girl – Charlie Rich

  Blank space – I Prevail

  Far Away - Nickelback

  Where To Find Anne
>
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  Other Available Titles

  THE ROCKSTAR SERIES

  Falling Down (Rockstar Book 1)

  Blush (Rockstar Book 2)

  A Very Xander Christmas (Rockstar Book 2.5)

  Amplify (Rockstar Book 3)

  Interlude (Rockstar Book 4)

  Ballad (Rockstar Book 5)

  Lullabye (Rockstar Book 6)

  A Very Xander Christmas 2 (Rockstar Book 6.5)

  Kadence (Rockstar Book 7)

  A Very Xander Christmas 3 (Rockstar Book 8)

  Duet (Rockstar 8.5)

  Rockstar Box Set 1 (Books 1 - 3)

  Rockstar Box Set (4 - 6.5)

  THE WAY SERIES

  The Way Back To Me (The Way Book 1)

  The Way With You (The Way Book 2)

  ANTHOLOGIES

  Alphas & Fairytales: A New Year’s Eve Anthology

  About the Author

  Anne Mercier is the author of the bestselling Rockstar, Truths, and The Way series. She was born and raised in Wisconsin and still lives there today.

  She's an avid reader who gets inspired by reading the stories from her favorite authors as well as listening to various types of music. She is a huge fan of music, chocolate, fruit, desserts, autumn, M. Shadows, Avenged Sevenfold, and Milo Ventimiglia. Through my books, she is proudly creating new Avenged Sevenfold and Milo Ventimiglia fans one reader at a time.