Destined to Play

  God, what are they doing to me? I have become a sexual exhibit, something you might see depicted in the future of MONA’s darkest hours.

  The striking continues, bringing the intruding pain to the forefront of my body and mind.

  Then the pleasure returns, albeit briefly. Then the pain. My body allows them complete control in alternating between these extreme sensations with the flick of a switch. I am Pavlov’s dog.

  It is as if my body has acclimatised to the sensation of such pleasurable pain as it takes me a moment to realise it has been replaced once again by a low vibration flowing through my nipples. The fingers reassert themselves beyond my vulva, and attach something that emits an intense vibration close to my clitoris. Too close! I freeze with panic and desire; my vulnerability is absolute. The intensity of the vibration increases, slowly and steadily. I feel myself break into a sweat of sexual anxiety. The fingers bypass my buzzing clit and spend time probing and exploring my vagina, my perineum. If I could move, I’d have collapsed in a heap on the floor by now. As it is, my body is like melting wax hardening in time against the mould the restraints provide. I notice that my body temperature is rising, along with my rapturous arousal.

  The fingers are now warm, experienced, pleasure-seeking fingers and I feel my opening welcoming them in further, deeper. My mute throat groans with both shame and desire as I beseech my mind to stay alert. The fingers locate dimensions I have never found before, never explored myself. My perineum, my anus, nothing is ignored in this process. Oh god! Jeez, there’s that word again. They play and push and press and probe, as if monitoring and assessing the impact their every touch has on my body. I desperately try to control my responses, to rein these intensely sexual feelings in, but they are free spirits, they won’t be tempered. The fingers settle, positioning themselves carefully, then insistently, then rhythmically, then intensely as they set off rippled explosions through my muscles. I absently wonder if an orgasm can be forced upon you.

  Do I want to have an orgasm in front of others? Will I have the choice?

  Oh god …

  Vibrations soar through my nipples and clitoris as my mind becomes awash with pleasure and desire. My ability to control the ambush of pleasure penetrating my body is a receding black hole in my mind’s eye. Although entirely bound and anchored to the earth, my grip on reality is being diluted by the second. I sense the ominous waves building momentum over the horizon, threatening to annihilate my mind and enable my body’s ultimate surrender.

  I focus.

  They probe.

  I resist.

  They vibrate.

  I freeze.

  They target.

  I relinquish.

  They pleasure.

  I release.

  They win.

  The next second introduces me to the most amazingly intense, shooting, powerful sensation I have ever felt in my life. It enters at the tip of my nipples and surges through my body at lightning speed, coinciding with the very lubricated penetration of both my vagina and my anus. I reel against the total ambush of my body so completely I now feel as if I have torn free from my restraints and physically crashed into the ceiling.

  All concept of time is suspended; my rational brain officially closes down, enabling my sensory mind to take full control and allow direct passage to every feeling and sensation colliding with my body. I am launched into another stratosphere.

  Surrender!

  Freedom!

  Pure … sensual … ecstasy …

  Warm, throbbing vibrations emanating from the core of my being.

  It is all-encompassing, wave after endless wave of bliss.

  The rhythm, the waves of rapture moving through me.

  I’m throbbing, pulsing … is this too much?

  Can I take any more?

  I certainly hope so …

  Vibrations regain their intense focus in my very being, pounding deep within my core, but the ride has become smoother, not as wild and overwhelming as before. I’m not going to fall off the edge like a log over a roaring waterfall.

  Eventually, my mind re-establishes itself in my brain. My earplugs are removed and the strong arms release me from my binds; I’m lifted away, no longer anchored to the floor.

  I’m now lying down on something large and soft and warm and I feel like my entire body is melting like a giant marshmallow into toasty fire, the cushioning is so perfectly accommodating my every movement. It feels good to stretch and be free again.

  I detect a delightful flickering across my breasts arousing me from my liquid state.

  God, that feels so good.

  Now it’s on both sides. I feel blood flowing to the tips of my nipples.

  How erotic. I let out a deep sigh …

  The flickering turns into gentle pulling and kneading.

  Each nipple has a slightly different tension, different rhythm …

  It becomes more intense. Moist warmth arrives on my lips.

  It is difficult to know where to focus.

  My mouth is pried open softly by a warm tongue. It feels familiar but odd somehow, like it might be upside down. I squirm slightly under the soft pressure but allow the sensations of the kneading, sucking and licking to continue unabated … So many tongues accessing my body — oh yes, Jeremy, this is absolutely worth it! No fantasy in my mind could ever match this reality. I find it impossible to imagine what it looks like from the outside, as the touching and feeling are all-encompassing.

  All of this attention feels so incredible on my body.

  As my mouth and breasts are being consumed, my attention is drawn to light flutters moving steadily up each thigh. My legs open automatically to ensure their progress isn’t hindered in any way. Oh, yes, please come in. This is truly divine.

  Flicking, tugging, kneading, biting — not too much, not too little. It is so perfect, I could cry. There is too much to focus on so I just let go, let my body absorb the intensity of desire and longing within me.

  The tongue below reaches my entrance. It explores my inner depths ever so carefully, yet so purposefully and intensely.

  Like it is sifting through precious jewels, probing to locate something rare and valuable. It takes my breath away. Tongue and lips suck and nibble and are never distracted from their mission until the tongue finally locates the gem it is searching for. It focuses like a missile penetrating deeply and wholly and relentlessly on its target. The tongues from the other mouths intensify their response to replicate its energy and penetration.

  Desire threatens to devour my entire body as the tongues multiply exponentially, frantically searching for a place to penetrate, deeper, further, harder, faster. My ears, mouth, neck, breast, bellybutton, vulva, fingers, toes, wrists, ankles, knees, underarms — it feels like no part of my body is left untouched.

  My body arches violently with the magnitude of my desire. The tongues and lips and teeth don’t skip a beat with my movement, instantaneously igniting their insatiable quest for more. I need them to slow down, ease up, though I desperately hope they don’t. They quicken to the pulse of my heartbeat, like a drum beating to a tribal rhythm of life. Wild passion ignites deep within my soul and integrates with the essence of my body; we pulse and beat mindlessly as one heart sends blood flow and orgasmic lust to the farthest reaches of my being and spins itself into a crashing hiatus, like the eye of a tornado.

  No heartbeat.

  No pulse.

  No thought.

  No mind.

  I plunge into the profound abyss of euphoria.

  And then it ignites and roars into a violent and awesome flow of sheer energy exploding, crashing and pumping through my body as though the centre of my being is Mount Vesuvius erupting over Pompeii.

  The entirety of my world bursts so fast it takes everything away … away … away …

  And my body convulses as it reacts to an electrifying series of erotic explosions over and over and over and over again …

  Like it has never experienced before ??
? like I never believed possible …

  Pumping, pumping, pumping through every orifice of my body, setting my skin alight with liquid lava.

  Wave after wave after wave of intense sublime pleasure …

  Creating orgasmic flows of energy …

  As if my body has never before reached true orgasm …

  How long can this last?

  I release a silent guttural scream, long and hard though it can’t be heard.

  And immediately inhale deeply and desperately as though I’m a sexual newborn drawing its first breath, urgently seeking oxygen for survival.

  My arched back finally releases from its rigid, captive state as I gasp for more air and allow the oncoming bliss to encompass me entirely. I groan with joy and heat and freedom and ecstasy and leave this earthly world to experience heavenly bliss … I am the sex goddess of the universe …

  ‘Oh, Alexandra. You are exquisite. You have blown our minds.’

  ‘And our analysis.’

  ‘Absolutely. Beyond all projections.’

  Is someone talking? Don’t know, don’t care …

  I’m so very far away …

  All I know is that the vibrations pounding through my body are truly, fucking unbelievable!

  And I am absolutely, comprehensively shattered.

  ‘Alexa! Can you hear me? Are you okay? Here, please drink this.’

  I can smell delicious hot chocolate. Someone helps me sit up. I am on a firm bed of some sort, with soft cotton sheets.

  ‘Be careful. It’s hot.’

  Something touches me and brings a cup to my lips.

  It tastes like heaven and its heat cascades through to my chest.

  ‘Jeremy …’ My voice is barely a whisper.

  ‘Don’t strain, this will help your voice. Here, have some more.’

  I finish the drink.

  ‘That’s it, now snuggle in. Understandably, you’re exhausted, it’s time for you to rest.’

  He lays me down again, covers me up with a feather quilt and seems to secure me in place.

  It’s warm and cosy and he’s right, I’ve never felt more exhausted.

  ‘Go to sleep, sweetheart, we’ll talk later. You were beyond my wildest dreams.’ He kisses me gently on the lips and smoothes my forehead. I begin to waft into a subconscious state …

  dreams … sounds like a good idea.

  ‘All good here. Our work is done, for the time being at least. Great job, Dr Quinn.’

  ‘We’ll just pack up the rest of our things and leave you both to continue on your journey.’

  ‘Remember, J, the next twenty-four hours are critical, and the situation will need to be closely monitored for the next three or four days. Confidentiality is paramount. She must not see or speak to anyone other than you. Our competitors would kill for these kinds of results.’

  ‘Of course, not a problem, I have it completely under control.’

  ‘Well done, gentlemen. Until next time. This has certainly exceeded our expectations. We shall look forward to the complete results. Keep us posted in the meantime.’

  ‘Will do.’

  Doors slam shut.

  I’m not sure what the distant voices are talking about as they swirl around me. I feel so mellow. I vaguely hear engines vibrate beneath me …

  And I drift into a totally unconscious state.

  Part VI

  ‘The magnitude of a sensation is proportional to the logarithm of the intensity of the stimulus causing it.’

  — Fechner’s Law, 1860

  My fingers greedily feel for their surroundings.

  Luxurious, soft delights. They explore a silky mound and discover its pinnacle.

  I curl up in delight. What is this I have discovered? A breast?

  I cup it and feel its suppleness against the palm of my hand. I play with its mountain peak until it hardens, and then have the good fortune to discover another.

  I tease it to life so it matches its twin.

  These are the softest pillow breasts imaginable. Oh so reactive, so full, so very changeable under my touch.

  I continue my playing, my teasing … they just feel too good to pry myself away.

  Another hand gently touches the breast.

  ‘They do feel amazing don’t they?’ says Jeremy’s voice softly.

  I pull my hands away, embarrassed. I thought I was alone. ‘Oh, I didn’t realise you were here. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Nothing to apologise for, Alex. They are yours to touch.’ I can hear the smile in his voice, which reminds me I’m still blind.

  Strong arms wrap around me, cradle me.

  ‘And of course I’m still here. I said I’d look after you.’

  My thoughts feel vague and scattered.

  ‘Have I been dreaming?’ I smile to myself … Ah yes, amazing dreams and fantasies, like nothing I’ve ever experienced before in my life. My body reacts instantly to the memory, the intensity of feelings trembling through me.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Jeremy asks urgently, his voice concerned.

  ‘Oh, yes … but I’m not sure … what happened, Jeremy … where are we?’

  I suddenly feel a dull pain across my buttocks as I ask these questions and instinctively stop myself from asking more.

  ‘Shh, just relax. You have been through so much.’ He gently strokes my hair.

  Still in a fog, I decide this is the best option. As I snuggle into his perfect, firm chest I raise my hand to my eyes, confirming the presence of the silky blindfold.

  ‘Yes, it is still there, sweetheart. It will be for just a little longer.’ He kisses my hands, keeping them away from my face. He places a warm duvet over me.

  I hear his voice from within his chest, but not his words. It lulls and soothes my thoughts like fluffy clouds floating across a blue sky. I’m in a blissful state, so very content just to be warm and safe and close to him. He could be reading me a story, a poem, a newspaper article for all I comprehend. I am unable to decipher his words … I hear his heartbeating with one ear and perhaps rain pounding against a window with the other and I concentrate on both sounds rather than what Jeremy is saying. I zone back in to his voice in time to hear, ‘Are you thirsty, hungry?’

  Wonderful idea. ‘Is there any more hot chocolate? It warms me up from the inside out.’

  ‘Sure, I’ll make some more.’

  The mattress moves as he shifts his weight and I feel like I’m falling. I grab his arm anxiously.

  ‘It’s alright, sweetheart, I’m not leaving you. I’m just getting your drink. Try not to move around too much.’

  ‘It feels so weird to move, like I’m really heavy.’

  I hear him making noises. It sounds like he is in a kitchen which seems odd in a hotel room.

  He returns and places my fingers around the mug. I can’t quite grip it firmly enough.

  ‘Let me do this for you.’ He brings the warm liquid to my lips.

  ‘Ahhh, thank you, you do make a great hot chocolate, Jeremy.’

  I picture myself sitting here blindfolded, with Jeremy and a hot chocolate, after all I have just been through. It is as if we are completely ignoring the elephant in the room. For some reason this thought sets me off into a fit of the giggles. I can’t contain the laughter that erupts from within me at this thought, as if releasing all my nervous tension.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ Jeremy grabs the mug from me before I drop it.

  I am gasping for air and my stomach starts to ache from the spasms as I try to explain to Jeremy what is so funny. I can’t get the words out because I’m laughing so much, which sets me off again. I hear Jeremy chuckling now too, probably at me. I don’t care, I haven’t laughed this hard in years; it hurts but it feels good. My eyes are streaming. I try to contain the spasms overtaking me, to get some breath into my lungs. I’m going to wet myself. I move to the edge of the bed and collapse straight onto the floor, still paralysed with convulsions.

  Jeremy is instantly at my side. ‘Oh, my god, Alexa! Are y
ou hurt?’ His words come out in a rush.

  ‘Ba — ba — bath — bath ro — om,’ I frantically utter between gasps.

  Jeremy scoops me up off the floor and places me on the toilet just in the nick of time. My bladder explodes in relief and appreciation. I take the opportunity to calm my stomach muscles and inhale much-needed air as the release of my bladder continues. I look directly into his concerned eyes and wonder why he looks so worried. It takes me a moment to register that I am, in fact, looking at a vague image of Jeremy’s face. Excitement flushes through me.

  ‘I can see! It’s still very dark and you are extremely fuzzy, but here you are, in front of me,’

  I blurt out rather obviously. ‘When … How … Has it been forty-eight hours?’

  ‘More or less. The final effect of the drops will have diluted more quickly given that fit of hysterics and the blindfold came loose when you fell off the bed. So, yes, you will have complete vision back in a few hours or so.’

  His words bring me instant relief, but also a strange sadness knowing our time together is coming to a close. It is weird, like opening my eyes in the middle of a cave, where I can’t see anything but what’s directly in front of me.

  With my vision not restored enough to absorb much more than his blurry face, I feel quite unsteady and rather self-conscious that I’m sitting on the toilet staring at him as he holds me in position. Embarrassed that he is seeing me like this, I quickly wipe and get up to wash my hands, exceptionally grateful for my new-found independence. I take a step forward but my legs immediately go limp and I crumple into a heap. So much for independence.

  ‘That’s why I’m holding you, sweetheart, you’re not quite with it yet.’ Jeremy anchors his arms around me and I’m manoeuvred to the basin. Something about his face makes me smirk at him in the mirror.

  ‘I’ll be fine, really, you don’t need to fuss. I just need a moment.’