From Within

  Grabbing a book off the bookshelf, I sighed. It felt like a lifetime since I had picked up a good book and dove into a world that wasn’t my own. Giving myself over to words allowed me to fantasize and dream up a life that wasn’t reality. I was never into the romance books. I was more a classics girl but sometimes a person needed a good dirty smut-tastic book to bring her out of a funk. But right now, I didn’t think anything would help. Licking my dry lips, I shook my head, my control slipping away from me.

  It had been at least ten minutes since Xander had left the house. I frowned, wondering where he had gone.

  Moving towards the door, I jumped when it banged open. A tall skinny guy stood in front of me, his hair shaggy and falling into his eyes. My heart thumped hard against my rib cage, my stomach twisting.

  “Well aren’t you a pretty thing?” he purred. His tongue slid along his bottom lip, his eyes raking over my body.

  I rolled my eyes. “Where’s Xander?”

  “He’s busy,” the guy sneered, taking a step towards me. He wavered on his feet and pulled a small silver flask out of his jacket pocket. Tilting it to his lips, he took a few pulls of the liquid. “He asked me to come keep you company.”

  “Yeah. Right. Tell him I’ll be in his room when he’s done doing whatever he’s doing.” I walked by the larger guy when he grabbed my arm, spinning me towards him.

  “Shit. You smell good,” he slurred, brushing his nose along the side of my neck.

  “Let go of me,” I cried, attempting to pry his fingers off of me.

  “Don’t be rude. I want to talk.” He pulled me against him, cupping my ass and squeezed. “Don’t you remember me? I sure as hell remember this ass.”

  Lee. I whimpered at the twinge of pain and pushed him, struggling against his rough hold. “Please. Stop.”

  “Did you know Xander and I shared Embree? That hot friend of yours fucked her way through all of us. Even Caiden. I always thought he was gay but I guess a woman like her could make any gay man straight for an hour.” He fisted my hair and crashed his mouth to mine. “Now I think you should be polite and give me some of what Xander has been getting all along.”

  “Stop!” I shouted, gearing up my knee. I moved to kick him in the balls but he was soon pulled away from me. Shock tore through me as a large figure came into view.

  Xander was calm as he shoved him against the wall, his fist flying into the other guys face. Blood spattered his white shirt, the man submitting to his full wrath.

  Caiden ran up the stairs at the commotion, yelling for Xander to stop. “You’re going to kill him!”

  Xander pushed the guy again before he was on me.

  I gasped, my eyes widening as Xander threw me over his shoulder. “Xander, put me down!”

  He ignored me and carried me to his bedroom all the while I beat my fists against his back. He slammed the door shut, clicking the lock into place and tossed me onto the bed.

  “Xander,” I said, sitting up.

  He wrapped a hand around my throat, tilting my head back. He was eerily calm as his eyes travelled down the length of my body.

  “Xander,” I whispered, struggling out of his grip. “Please.”

  He leaned down to my ear, the scent of liquor wafting into my nose. He didn’t say anything as his lips brushed along the side of my neck.

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I breathed past the unexpected nausea swimming in my stomach. Stale alcohol and smoke forced their way into my lungs.

  Xander pulled me further under him and slid his fingers into my hair. Gripping my head, he pulled it back, forcing me to look up at him.

  His eyes were cold, the gun metal gray going dark. But he still didn’t say anything.

  My heart thumped hard. I opened my mouth to speak when he suddenly rose off of me.

  He pulled me off the bed, his fingers wound tight in my hair.

  I cried out, grabbing his hand gripping my curls and fell to my knees in front of him.

  “Did you enjoy kissing him?” he asked roughly.

  “What? No!” A sob escaped me as a slight twinge of pain screamed through my head. “Please, Xander. Stop this. You’re drunk.”

  He pulled my head back abruptly, staring intently into my eyes. “You’re mine. I will remind you who you belong to,” he said, unbuckling his belt.

  My gaze caught the movement and I struggled against him. “No. I’m not having sex with you when you’re like this.”

  A wicked grin spread on his face. “Who says anything about sex? That mouth needs to be reminded.”

  “Stop. Please,” I cried, scratching my nails into his hand. “I don’t want this. You don’t want this.”

  Suddenly the door crashed open, revealing a red faced Caiden. His nostrils flared, his clothes disheveled but the look of pure hard rage in his dark eyes stole my breath. “Xander!” he barked. “Let her go.”

  “Not until I remind her who she belongs to,” Xander snapped, his fingers gripping my hair tighter.

  “She knows that she’s yours. You want to fucking keep her, let her go.” Caiden wedged himself between us, forcing Xander to let go of my hair.

  “Get out of my way, Caiden,” Xander growled, pushing him back.

  “Hope. Get out of here. Now,” Caiden demanded, shoving Xander up against the wall. He leaned down to his ear, whispering something to him.

  I couldn’t make out what he was saying but by the way Xander’s eyes widened, I knew it wasn’t good.

  Leaving the bedroom on shaky limbs, I was met by Bee in the hallway. She grabbed my hand, leading me down the stairs to the room where Caiden and I had tied up Xander. Where he had given a part of himself to me that he had never shared with anyone. Not willingly and definitely not because he felt the need to. But that night, that beautiful moment we had shared, it brought us closer together faster than I thought it would. It brought us three together in ways I never would have imagined before all of this.

  “Shhh…” Bee said softly, patting my hand. She wrapped her slender arms around my shoulders, holding me against her.

  And that was when I broke. I gave Xander everything. Every single piece of me and this was how he treated me. He thought I wanted to kiss that guy. He thought I welcomed it. I cheated once. Would he always accuse me of it from now on? Would it be a thing? Would he never be able to get over what I had done to him years ago?

  “He loves you,” Bee whispered gently.

  And he hated me as well. Love and hate. It was a constant battle. If only I knew which one would win out in the end.

  Xander

  “YOU WANT to hurt her. You want her to suffer as much as you have suffered. You want to rip into her, erasing her memories of the previous men she has been with and replace them with thoughts of you. You want her to feel you.”

  I swallowed hard and nodded at Caiden’s words, licking my dry lips. “I do.” When I saw Lee kissing her, something deep inside my bitter soul snapped. Before I knew what I was doing, she was lifted over my shoulder and on the bed. I couldn’t fight the urge to hurt her. To make her see I was enough for her. To pound into her with a fervor I couldn’t break away from. I wanted to destroy her.

  “You want her to beg for your mercy. You want to show the little slut what it’s like to be in pain. Don’t you?”

  I nodded again but than my eyes snapped open. “What? No. That’s not true.”

  “Come on, Xander. Tell me. You want her to hurt. Would you have stopped if I wouldn’t have come in here and interrupted you two?”

  “Yes. Of course I would have.” I shook my head, ridding the sound of the hate in his words.

  “Would you? She said no several times before I kicked the door open. Xander, you wanted her ripe and swollen, begging for you.”

  “Stop. Please, stop. That’s not true. I wanted to remind her. She’s mine.” I pleaded with him, trying to make him see that I wasn’t a horrible person. That I wouldn’t have really hurt her. I only wanted to scare her.

  His breath washed over my
ear. “I don’t believe you. She’s a whore, Xander. She hurt you once. She will do it again.”

  “No! I hurt her. I forced her to drink. I never meant to. I…” A sob escaped me and I couldn’t fight them anymore, the cries winning out. “I wanted to forget. I wanted to drown out the noise in my head. I want her. That’s it.”

  “Do you? You keep going back to her and then pushing her away. One of these times, it will be too much and you’ll push her away for good.” His forearm pushed into my throat. “Do you want her? Or are you comfortable with the idea of her?”

  “I want her. God, do I ever want her. I want to marry her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I want her to have my children. I…I want her.” Caiden released me and I slid down the length of the wall, crashing my head in my hands. “I want her.”

  “I know.”

  I looked up at him through my eyelashes.

  He smiled softly. “Now that you know that, man up and be there for her. Trust her. Love her. Give yourself to her. No more of this I-can-handle-everything-all-on-my-own shit. She loves you and needs you. Be there for her. Be there for both of us.”

  A heavy weight had lifted off of me. A weight that had rested on my shoulders since the day I found out my parents had died. If it weren’t for Caiden, I would have slowly died right along with them even though I was never in the vehicle. To hear his hurtful words and the names he had called Hope, it woke me up. He never meant them. He said them to jar something in my head. To make me see reason. The guy was good and I loved him even more for it. I only wished I could tell him.

  I nodded, taking deep breaths. Caiden had begged me time and time again to ask for help, to give myself over. To submit before I could take control. I didn’t know how to start so I said the one word that came to me. The one word that had any bearing. “Help.”

  ***

  (Hope)

  “How do you do it?” I asked Bee an hour later. After my cries had diminished. After I felt like I could finally form a coherent sentence.

  “How do I do what?” Her small frame moved around the dim room, lighting candles on the surfaces of the dark wood.

  “How do you be with a man who clearly loves another…man?” I curled my feet under me, picking at a hem on my pants.

  “He’s good for me. He gives me what I need and I give him the same in return.” She looked at me over her shoulder. “It doesn’t matter to me who he loves. I know he’s coming back to me.”

  “How can you say that? Caiden loves Xander and he has been with Embree, too, from what I hear. I…I don’t get it.” I dropped my head in my hands, curling my feet under me. “I could never be with Xander if he loved someone else.”

  “But he does love someone else, Hope.” Bee gently took my hands in hers, kneeling in front of me. “He loves Caiden. He may not love him the way Caiden loves him but Xander feels something for him. That’s probably what is screwing with his mind.”

  I thought a moment. “Do you think Xander is in love with Caiden?”

  She smiled softly, shaking her head. “No. I don’t.”

  A breath left me on a whoosh. “As much as I say I would step aside if that were the case, I’m happy to hear you say that.” I glanced up at her. “Is that bad of me?”

  “Gosh no. Not at all.” She patted my hand. “You are in love with him. You have every right to feel that way.”

  At that moment, the door slowly opened. Caiden peeked his head in, his gaze moving between us. “Can we come in?”

  “Of course.” Bee rose to her feet and greeted him.

  He and Xander entered the room.

  Xander caught my eye but I looked away. I didn’t want to see him but I didn’t have the strength to fight him. To tell him to leave me alone. Because in all honesty, I never wanted to be alone.

  My phone vibrated.

  I love you.

  I smiled at the text I received from Embree and sent her a reply, telling her I loved her as well. We may not have been as close as I would have liked but she saved me. In ways I could never thank her. I wanted to help her. In any way I could.

  “Did you and Embree make up?” Xander asked, sitting on the floor beside me.

  I nodded, turning my phone on silent.

  “Hope,” he said softly, inching his fingers between mine.

  Tears welled in my eyes, a lump burning my throat. “I can’t.”

  His breath hitched. “Please.”

  “What do you want from me?” I whispered, still refusing to meet his gaze.

  “I want you to love me. I want you to forgive me. I…I want you.”

  “Until the next time a guy hits on me. Or you get me drunk again. Or you get high.” My head whipped around. “I can’t keep doing this.”

  “I don’t know what more to say.” He paused, his jaw clenching. “I’m sorry.”

  A laugh escaped my lips. “Please.”

  “Do not fucking laugh at me,” he growled, his eyes hardening.

  Bee and Caiden quietly left the room, mentioning something about Caiden needing his rest but all I could do was stare at the man sitting beside me. The man destroyed everything in his path. He was worse than a tornado ripping up a town. He tore up my heart and stomped on it whether he realized it or not.

  Rising to my feet, I paced back and forth before finally stopping at a wooden table. “I can’t keep doing this back and forth thing with you, Xander.”

  “What the hell do you want from me?” he yelled, taking a step towards me.

  “I want you to stop yelling at me and love me. I want you to tell me how you feel,” I cried when he closed the distance between us. I pushed him but he didn’t budge.

  “How I feel?” he bit out. “I’ll tell you how I feel.” He spun me in his arms and pushed me face first up against the wall. “You are the air I can’t breathe,” he said roughly. “The words I can’t say.”

  “That’s not my fault,” I whimpered, pushing back against him.

  His breathing was hard as he inched his knee between my legs. “From the moment I touched you, I was done. I can’t control myself when I’m inside of you.” He lifted my dress to my hip, wrapping his arm around my waist.

  Letting my head fall back against his shoulder, I ground against him. “I want you to talk to me. I want you to tell me how much you love me. I want you. No alcohol. No drugs. You.”

  “And I want you to let me fuck you.” His fingers dug into the flesh of my rear. “I want to rip you open.”

  “Why?” I swallowed a moan as his hands continued massaging my ass. The needy hold on my body made me crazed with lust for this man but the little voice in my head told me this would be it. It was the final band in our relationship and if we didn’t loosen it, it would snap.

  But I wanted to play. I wanted him to be as desperate for me as I was for him so I pushed out of his hold and shoved him back.

  A wicked grin spread on his face. “Push me again.”

  I didn’t know what game he was trying to play but I did it anyways.

  He grabbed my wrists, slammed me up against the wall and held my arms above my head. With a rough tug, he ripped my panties clean off my body. “I am going to show you what I want. I’m done, Hope. No more games. This is me. The real me and if you can’t take it, if you can’t handle me, than I suggest you leave.”

  “Show me. Give me you. Please.” I was desperate. Desperate for his love and for him. My heart raced hard against the walls of my rib cage. I couldn’t fight him anymore. Even if I wanted to, this was it. This was raw and gritty. And I needed it more than I ever needed anything in my life. More than the alcohol I was addicted to. “Xander, do it,” I demanded.

  “Shut. Up.” He snarled against my neck. Sinking his teeth into my flesh, he bit down hard enough to leave a mark.

  I cried out, the sharp pain springing tears to my eyes. “Xander. Please.”

  He lowered his zipper and roughly pulled out his length. Stroking a hand up and down, he firmly grabbed onto the base. “Tell
me.”

  “Please,” I said, arching against him.

  Xander spun me and covered my mouth with his hand. “I’m going to make you feel good,” he growled and pulled me back against him. “I’m going to take what I want from you and give you what you need.”

  I jumped when his fingers inched between my legs, pushing deep into my body. Whimpering, my hips moved of their own accord.

  “You’re so wet for me,” he whispered against my ear. “I need help, Hope, but I need you to be patient with me. Please.”

  I nodded, breathing hard against his hand. Anything. I would do anything for the man using my body for his pleasure. We both had our issues. Our relationship was fucked up. Dangerous, bordering on the point of destruction. But it was ours. And I was damn determined to keep it.

  “Let me in, baby,” he said roughly.

  Spreading my legs, I gave myself completely to him. Utterly and totally, he owned my body. My mind. My spirit.

  Xander rubbed himself over my opening, teasing and hinting. Building the anticipation of what was to come. But I knew. I always knew. I had memorized him, inside and out, but every time I was with him, it was better than the last. It was perfect. Brutal but delicious. Painful and passionate. It was us.

  Inching his way into my body, he wrapped his arm around my waist, holding me tight against him. His grunts of satisfaction filled my ears, his hips picking up speed like he could no longer control them.

  Every so often, I was lifted into the air, my screams and cries muffled by his hand. He felt good. Oh so deliriously wonderful. I broke in seconds. My release shattered through me, encouraging him to pump harder and faster. The shackle of his buckle slapped against my thighs, the metal biting into my skin. But it only intensified the powerful force of the orgasm.