Something Like Thunder

  “Yeah,” Nathaniel answered. “Someone really special.”

  “And? Where have you hidden him?”

  “He’s not here anymore. I let him get away.”

  “Sorry to hear that. What was his name?”

  “None of your fucking business.”

  Caesar nodded thoughtfully. “Is that a French name? Sounds French to me.”

  Nathaniel took a swig of his beer. Then he laughed.

  Caesar joined him. “Maybe you’re right. When everything falls apart, something new should rise from the ashes.”

  “You’re talking about us.”

  “Why not?”

  Nathaniel snorted. “Not a chance in hell. If that’s your goal, you should have brought a keg, not a six-pack.”

  “Duly noted,” Caesar said. “You’re not far off the mark. I wasn’t just passing through Austin. My life fell apart when my parents cut me loose. They’re not pleased. Remember when you used to tutor me? How much emphasis they put on my education? They’ve been grooming me to take over my father’s business for as long as I can remember. I feel like I’ve been studying for the same damn test for most of my life. Now I’ve finally taken it and failed. No money, no support, no job. They’re done with me.”

  “That’s called being an adult,” Nathaniel said. “You think my parents still pay my bills? Or that I would expect them to provide me with work if I lost my job?”

  “No, of course not. But it’s more than that. I made a mistake, and instead of giving me another chance, they replaced me. You remember Peter? My little brother? Now he’s—” Caesar sighed. “You know what? None of that matters. I don’t want the stupid job because for the first time in my life, I’m finally free to make my own decisions. Yeah, they hurt my feelings, but even I recognize that this is for the best. So that’s what I’ve been doing—exploring what I want to do with my life. Or who I want in it.” Caesar leaned forward, his expression earnest. “I drove all the way from Connecticut just to see you.”

  Nathaniel shoved aside his empty plate, mulling over his feelings. He was tempted. Caesar was handsome, perhaps even more so now. They had a history together, old affections lingering just beneath the surface. And yet, that history also made this an impossible situation. “I’m sorry,” he said, shaking his head. “It ended when it ended.”

  “Why?” Caesar asked, not seeming surprised.

  “You know why.”

  “Seriously, say it out loud. I know where this is going because I’ve given it a lot of thought.” Caesar leaned back. “Fine, I’ll say it if you’re too polite. You don’t want to be with me because I’m a slut.”

  “That’s not what I was thinking.”

  “Those might not be the exact words, but I bet they were close.”

  “You’re not a slut, because with you it wasn’t just about sex.” Nathaniel looked him up and down. “You’re more like a hustler, but one who’s after love instead of money. All the love you can get. You’ve got a hustler’s heart.”

  Caesar grinned. “I like the sound of that. And you’re absolutely right. I’m done denying it. Love is my vice and I’m not very discriminating. Other guys have such a specific type, a whole list of qualifications they go through before letting anyone near. She’s gotta be blonde or skinny or fat or rich or dumb or smart. One of my roommates in college broke up with his girlfriend because she didn’t like hockey. She was the sweetest thing and willing to put up with his dumb ass, but for him it was a deal-breaker. I’m not saying I don’t have standards, but obviously mine are a lot more generous than most.”

  “That’s one way of putting it,” Nathaniel muttered.

  “I know it’s no excuse for what I did. Being able to buy and eat all the candy you want doesn’t mean you should. That’s something you learn as an adult, and I wish I had understood it back then. I’ve been around the block. I’ve fallen in love with all kinds of people and had a lot of bad relationships. A few good ones too. Some play it safe and stick with the first person to love them back, but I was young and dumb enough to risk everything. One benefit of all that experience is clarity. Out of everyone I’ve been with—all the people I’ve fallen in love with—none of them compare to you. You’re the one.”

  What a speech. Despite wanting to hate it, Nathaniel felt flattered, longing for carefree days spent in a lover’s arms. In an instant he could see the entire story, two people falling in love when they were young, going their separate ways as adults and venturing out into the world, only to come back together when they realized they had it right the first time. How beautiful that would be. A happy ending at last. Caesar’s words carried the weight of truth. When the right love was found, when that special person was finally discovered, no one else could compare. That’s exactly how Nathaniel felt. Just not about Caesar.

  “If you’re not going to finish your steak,” Nathaniel said, “you should give it to Zero. He didn’t eat much this morning.”

  Caesar looked as though he had been slapped. Then he placed his plate on the ground. They finished their last beers in silence.

  “It’s chilly,” Caesar said, rubbing the bare skin of his arms.

  “Yup.” His heart maybe, but Nathaniel’s body still felt heat. “Wanna go inside? I’ve got a couple more beers in the fridge.”

  Caesar chuckled. “I don’t know if I can keep up with you. I’m not in college anymore.”

  That was a yes. Before long they were in the living room. Nathaniel handed Caesar a beer but remained standing as he faced the couch. Caesar sat there, looking around and taking in the details. Zero was on the cushion next to him, appearing slightly puzzled by his presence.

  “Nice place,” Caesar said, nodding his approval.

  “It’s enough for a guy and his dog. You still living in Connecticut?”

  “Yeah. I have an apartment there a little bigger than this one.”

  “A little?”

  Caesar grinned. “The bedroom closet is bigger than this place. I’m not bragging because it’s a burden. I already gave notice. I can’t really afford it.”

  “What’s the plan?”

  Caesar blinked. “Drive to Texas and win back the love of my life. That’s not a plan?”

  Nathaniel shook his head, sitting on the edge of the oak coffee table. “Failing that, what are you going to do? I know this will come as a shock, but you’ll need a job. Assuming you want to eat.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Caesar said. “Always gotta remind me of the small details, huh?”

  “Yup.”

  “I’m sure the stamp of approval from Yale will land me something. First I want to figure out where to settle down. I don’t even have a hotel.”

  “Which implies you thought you wouldn’t need one.”

  “I was hoping.” Caesar grinned, but when the gesture wasn’t returned, his shoulders slumped. “I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life. Having ruined everything can be liberating, but also crippling. I’m always tempted to call my dad, beg for another chance. He wouldn’t respect that. Hell, I wouldn’t respect myself. It’s just hard walking the tightrope when you know the net is no longer there. That’s another reason I’ve been thinking of you. Not because I’m looking for someone to take care of me. I’m not. But I always felt safe with you. Excuse me.”

  Caesar left for the restroom. Nathaniel could hear him blowing his nose, and when he returned, his eyes were watery. Not surprising considering he had exposed his heart at the picnic table, only for Nathaniel to brush it off and into the dirt. That had to hurt. When Caesar sat again, Nathaniel joined him at the other end of the couch. Zero was a chaperone between them, which was good, because as the night wore on and they became increasingly intoxicated, Nathaniel’s judgment passed out before he did.

  “You can’t find a hotel in your condition,” he said.

  Caesar shrugged. “I’ll call a taxi.”

  “And tell them what? You don’t know where to go. Do hotels let drunk people check in?”

  Cae
sar leered. “I’m going to assume they don’t because I like where this is going.”

  Nathaniel pretended not to pick up on this. “You could crash here.”

  “I saw your big ol’ bed,” Caesar responded. “It would be a shame if it went to waste.”

  Those words kicked Nathaniel’s judgment in the stomach, causing it to stir. “I tend to sleep on the couch these days.”

  “Really? Why?”

  Because the bed seemed twice as big and empty without Kelly in it. Even after all this time. Squeezing onto the couch with Zero and waking up with a sore neck was easier than facing old memories. “You take the bed,” Nathaniel said. “The sheets are clean. I’ll sleep out here.”

  “We can share,” Caesar suggested. “It’s not like we haven’t before.”

  “It’s fine.” Nathaniel stood. “I have to go to work tomorrow, so…”

  Caesar didn’t move. “Are you sure? I feel like I’m imposing. I can take the couch.”

  “Take the bed. I’ll wake you up for breakfast.”

  “Okay.” Caesar finally stood. “Thanks. I really appreciate it.”

  Nathaniel nodded, made sure he had everything he needed, and felt like he couldn’t breathe. Not until the bedroom door was shut with Caesar safely on the other side.

  * * * * *

  The morning wasn’t full of temptation or confused feelings. All the mutual hangover left room for was aspirin, long showers, and a plate of eggs and hash browns. Only afterwards did they feel capable of speech, but Nathaniel had an appointment and Caesar had places to be, so they didn’t say much before going their separate ways.

  Sweet-talking a client over coffee, visiting a location shoot involving three sisters who all thought they were more famous than Kate Moss, and meeting with one of the company lawyers because a photographer was suing for tripping over his own feet while on the job. Only as the work day came to an end did Nathaniel have time to consider the previous evening, leaving him nostalgic for a time when he would have tumbled into bed with Caesar regardless of the consequences.

  As it turned out, he would have another chance. When Nathaniel arrived home after work, Caesar’s car was in the parking lot. So was the man himself, hopping out with a smile and opening the trunk to show what he had there. “You bought a keg,” Nathaniel said, staring at it.

  Caesar grinned shamelessly. “That’s what you said it would take.”

  “After last night, it took me this long to feel human again.”

  “Hair of the dog,” Caesar said. “Best cure there is. Besides, it’s Friday night.”

  Which was usually Foreign Film Friday, as Nathaniel liked to call it, but he wasn’t about to admit that. Instead he helped Caesar get the keg upstairs. They spent the evening getting drunk and swapping stories, delving into their past and laughing over the stupidest of details. Caesar made multiple trips to the bathroom, blowing his nose and returning with red eyes each time. They ended up in bed together too, but fully dressed and above the covers, having passed out before anything could happen.

  Caesar seemed just as watery-eyed during a late breakfast the next day, so Nathaniel offered to show him around Austin. While this seemed to cheer him up, it turned out to be a bad idea because then Caesar started talking about moving to Austin permanently. On Sunday they even visited a few apartment complexes and some open houses, just to get a feel for the market. That night they worked on the keg again, although with more restraint since Nathaniel needed to work the next day.

  The pattern repeated itself. Nathaniel would return home, Caesar would be waiting there, often with a bag of groceries and the promise of a home-cooked meal. Then they would drink and talk, and Nathaniel would struggle with temptation. He tried to combat this by jacking off in the shower each morning, hoping to make himself uninterested in sex, but he discovered how ineffective this was on Thursday morning.

  He was straightening up the living room, fluffing the couch cushions and putting them back where they belonged. When he looked up, Caesar was standing there completely naked. Drops of water dripped down his bronze skin, running along the curve of each thin muscle. His body was familiar, although the hair on his chest was denser. His cock was still hanging but at least half-hard, because it looked huge. Or maybe that was caused by the heat from the shower, steam still curling off him. Either way, he was demonstrating more self-control than Nathaniel, who was already so hard that his dick was straining painfully against his jeans.

  “I couldn’t find a towel,” Caesar said.

  Nathaniel didn’t bother with a witty response. He simply closed the distance between them, letting the wet skin press against his dry clothes as he took Caesar’s head in his hands. Then they kissed, the feel of his lips, the smell of his skin—even freshly washed—bringing back a chain of memories: holding each other to stay warm when lost in the woods, staying up all night in Caesar’s room just so they could talk, getting drunk in Nathaniel’s crappy dorm room while Mr. Jung wasn’t there, shouting in a Tex-Mex parking lot where it had all gone terribly wrong. They had a history, both good and bad. And while their time together had a lot of good, the bad had outweighed it enough for Nathaniel to move halfway across the country, give up his college plans, and start from scratch. The bad had even seeped into his next relationship, poisoning it. The bad had cost him much, but he had survived it all. A job, a little apartment, and a furry companion. That felt like a lot. Nathaniel had moved on. But now he was backtracking, making the struggle seem pointless. If he and Caesar were going to end up together again, Nathaniel might as well have stayed at Yale.

  He broke the kiss to look down at a mouth-watering cock at full salute. Then he sighed. “Wait here.”

  “Okay,” Caesar said. “Hurry.”

  “I will.” Nathaniel went to the hall closet, grabbed a folded towel, and tossed it to Caesar. Then he went into the kitchen. “Ready for breakfast? I’ve got some feta and olives. Thought I’d work it into an omelette.”

  “You’re kidding.”

  “I’m dead serious. I had something similar at a hotel in Athens. You’ll love it, trust me.”

  “That’s not what I’m talking about,” Caesar said, following him into the kitchen.

  Nathaniel turned to look him in the eye, no longer interested in his body. Okay, pretending he was no longer interested. “I know exactly what you’re talking about. Get dressed.”

  Caesar turned without another word and walked away. When he returned fully dressed, he sat in the living room until Nathaniel put two plates on the table and one on the floor. Then Caesar joined him, eyes watery and red. He kept sniffing too.

  “Look,” Nathaniel said. “I know you’re going through a lot, and us being around each other is confusing as hell. It’s probably not a good idea—”

  “I disagree.”

  “—but, you’ve got to stop feeling sorry for yourself. No more running off to the bathroom to cry. You got yourself into this mess. You can get yourself out.”

  “Crying?” Caesar asked.

  “Yes. It’s pretty obvious. I’ve heard you in the bathroom blowing your nose.”

  “Because you don’t have any boxes of tissues. It’s toilet paper or nothing.”

  Nathaniel set down his fork and looked at Caesar. The red eyes, the way he was breathing through his open mouth like his nose was stuffed up. Did he have a cold? But he seemed fine normally. Only when they were at home did he seem to—

  Zero finished his plate and pressed against Caesar’s leg to get his attention, hoping for more.

  “You’re allergic to dogs,” Nathaniel said.

  “Most animals,” Caesar said with a sniff. “The furry kind, at least. Did you forget?”

  “I thought you were upset!”

  “I am!” Caesar said. “But I’m not crying. Jesus, is that the only reason you’ve let me stick around this long?”

  No, it wasn’t. If Nathaniel was honest, he kept inviting Caesar in because he was increasingly tempted. Even now, despite knowin
g that he didn’t want to date Caesar, he still wanted to have sex with him. Immediately. On the kitchen table. Nathaniel would bend him over it, runny nose and all, and pound the living hell out of him.

  “You look angry,” Caesar said. “Or horny. I never could tell the difference.”

  “This isn’t working out. You need to leave.”

  Caesar’s jaw went slack. “Then why did you just kiss me?”

  “Because I’m an idiot. Eat up. I need to go to work. Find somewhere else to sleep tonight.” Nathaniel concentrated on his food. Caesar joined him, halfheartedly consuming a few bites before surrendering the rest to Zero. Nathaniel ignored this, putting on his shoes and collecting what he needed for work. Then he waited by the entrance until Caesar joined him, a hand grabbing his before it could open the door.

  “I love you,” Caesar said. “I mean it.”

  Nathaniel nodded. “I love you too. But it doesn’t change anything.” He shook his hand free and escorted Caesar outside. Then Nathaniel got into his car and drove away.

  He knew this wouldn’t be the end of it, so he left work early that day and went home to pick up Zero. The dog was thrilled. Less so when he saw their destination. The groomers.

  “Do you have an appointment?” the receptionist asked.

  “No,” Nathaniel replied, “but I’m willing to pay double. Oh, and there’s something else I need too.”

  An hour later he was home again with a trash bag full of fur clippings. He tossed them everywhere—the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, and especially on the bed. “Hair of the dog. Best cure there is,” Nathaniel explained to Zero. “Let’s see if it can cure us of an unwanted guest.”

  When Caesar arrived at his door that evening, as expected, Nathaniel stepped aside to let him in. Ten minutes later, they were outside the door again, Caesar’s eyes red and squinty.

  “If you start showing up at my work,” Nathaniel said, “I’ll have a suit made from his fur. Hell, I’ll start rolling in his hair every morning while still wet from the shower if that’s what it takes.”