Redemption

  The guilt soon flooded in. Jeremy had asked about his dad a couple times. It was only natural for him to want to know. I always shrugged him off by saying his dad lived far away and we had lost touch. It was a terrible excuse to give to him, but what was the alternative? Say he was dead? I couldn’t do that when it was a lie. I had to give him some sort of truth. Jeremy deserved at least that.

  As I was thinking about all this, I wondered what Dean would think about Jeremy, and vice versa. They were alike in so many ways, it was uncanny. It hurt to see Dean’s face in Jeremy but, at the same time, he reminded me of a boy that once was. I could only look fondly at those memories. Despite what Dean did, I could never taint those. They were mine and always would be.

  I saw my mum yawn a little and it made me feel guilty. “Why don’t you go back to the hotel and get some sleep? Your body thinks it’s after one in the morning. I’ll be fine with Jeremy until morning.” As discreetly as I could so as not to confuse Jeremy, I told them the plan.

  My mum and dad agreed, and after a lot of hugs and kisses, they left. I kept Jeremy amused for a little while, but I could tell he was getting tired again. After five minutes of staying quiet and stroking his hair, Jeremy fell asleep. Snuggling up with him, it wasn’t long after that I did the same.

  Chapter 4

  Dean

  Hell is yourself and the only redemption is when a person

  puts himself aside to feel deeply for another person.

  Tennessee Williams

  The minute I landed in Dulles, I got myself a BMW X3 from the car rental company, then phoned Jimmy. In the four hours he had already been in town, he managed to locate the hospital, then followed Tyler’s mum and dad to a house in McLean. He later found out that the house belonged to a Jessica Florentino. I had to smile at that because I knew it was Tyler. I was almost certain that she picked that name because of the lotus flower.

  Jimmy stayed and watched the house for the ten minutes they were there. Then they came out with a bag and drove back to the hospital.

  “Are they still there?”

  “Yeah.” He paused a moment. “Actually, hold on… They’re coming back out. Do you want me to follow them?”

  “I take it Tyler’s not with them?”

  “No, they’ve still got the bag, but they’re getting in a car now.”

  I didn’t want to lose Tyler’s parents, just in case, but now that I had an address to go on, it made things a lot easier. “Don’t worry about following them. Can you give me the address they went to before? If you don’t mind staying there for a couple more hours—”

  “Don’t worry. I’m on it.”

  I said my thanks and Jimmy told me the address. I punched it into my Sat Nav and drove the forty minutes or so to the house. When I got there, I was a little taken aback. It was quite impressive from the outside. It was a colonial detached house with big bay windows and a large garden. Tyler had certainly made a living for herself. It made me wonder how she got the money, as I knew she was an independent girl. It made my heart hurt to think she had to concede to her parents in order to escape me.

  Fuck, I really had hurt her. I was the biggest prick on earth, but an even bigger prick for pursuing her like this. It was obvious that she had moved on, but I couldn’t ignore the fact that I hadn’t. Call it fucking selfish on my part, but I couldn’t possibly move on unless she was standing right beside me.

  But the more I stared at that house, the more one realization came pummeling down to beat me to death. Why did she need such a big house? Could it be that she had a family now? Got married? The thought made my hands grip the steering wheel tighter than ever. I had to know. But I also had to be patient. I had waited four years for this. I could wait a few more hours.

  But as one hour turned into two, Jimmy called to tell me that there was no movement at the hospital. “Do you want me to go in, Dean?”

  I had to smile at his loyalty. “Nah, it’s okay. I know they freak you the fuck out.”

  “I can handle it.”

  “No. Go and get some rest. If she leaves, she’s only going to come here anyway, and I’ve got it covered. Just call me in the morning. If she hasn’t turned up here by then, go back to the hospital and wait it out a bit.”

  Jimmy sighed. “Sure thing.”

  I hung up and sat waiting in the car for a little while longer before I thought it was time to get checked into a hotel. I could get a couple hours sleep, then come back.

  I drove to the Marriot and tried to book into the penthouse suite. It was already taken, so I booked the next best room. The moment I got into my room, I took the shower and went straight to bed. I set my alarm for five the next morning, then passed out.

  *****

  I was up even before my alarm went off. I jumped back in the shower and dressed in loose jeans and navy shirt. By the time I left to drive to Tyler’s house, the sun had started to rise.

  There was no movement when I got there. No lights, no cars, no nothing. Everything was just how I left it last night. The only conclusion I could come up with was she stayed at the hospital all night, but why? She said “he is sick”. Who? I had an inkling, but I didn’t want to even think about that right now without seeing it for myself. To me, it seemed strange that she would stay the whole night at a hospital unless this person meant more to her than I wanted to even comprehend. The thought made me physically sick.

  After a couple hours of sitting there, Jimmy called to say that he was back outside the hospital. It wasn’t long after that he called again to say Tyler, looking tired and upset, had exited the hospital alone. She was also looking around like she knew someone was watching.

  “She’s getting into a car.”

  My heart rate picked up. “Follow her, Jimmy. If she comes here, you can leave, but let me know if she changes course and goes someplace else.”

  “Sure thing.”

  Jimmy hung up and I sat there, waiting. All I could do was sit, wait, and hope she was coming here and that she lived alone.

  It seemed like hours before I saw a Jeep drive up her driveway, then she got out and went inside. In those few seconds I saw her, my heart stood still. She looked thinner than I remembered and that hurt. I had always loved Tyler’s curves, but it seemed like she had lost them. A sudden flash popped in my mind of me sitting her on my knee and feeding her junk food until she popped. The thought made my dick strain against my jeans. It didn’t take much for my dick to come back to fucking life again. I thought I had lost him there for a while.

  Shortly after she walked into her house, my phone rang. I picked it up. “Jimmy, thanks.”

  “No sweat. I take it she’s at home now?”

  “Yeah, she’s just gone in.” I looked over at the house and all was still quiet inside.

  “Do you need me for anything now?”

  “No, mate. I got this. You’ve done enough for me, Jimmy. Go home and get some rest. You’ve earned it.”

  Jimmy laughed. “Fuck, that’s twice in a row. Are you going fucking soft on me now?”

  I gritted my teeth. “Don’t push your luck, Jimmy. I know where you live.”

  Jimmy laughed again. “Sorry, boss. I’ll wait to hear from you then. Good luck.”

  I sighed. “Thanks, Jimmy. I think I’ll need it.”

  We hung up and I spent the next fifteen minutes or so wondering what to do. I had spent the last four years desperate to find Tyler and now that I have, I’m stuck to the fucking seat.

  Shaking my head, I told myself to stop being such a pussy. As I made my move to open the door, I saw a car approaching from behind me. I watched and waited as the sedan drove past and pulled into Tyler’s driveway. Some twat with khaki trousers and white shirt got out of the car and knocked on the front door. I could feel my blood boiling, but felt better in the knowledge that he was knocking because it told me one thing. He didn’t fucking live there.

  Tyler, looking as beautiful as ever with her long, bouncing blonde hair and figure-hugging dress,
opened the door. She leaned forward, kissed him on the lips, and they both went inside.

  I had to leave. If I didn’t, I’d march up to that fucking door and throw that fucker through the window. The more I thought about it, the more pumped I was getting, and I knew I couldn’t go in there with guns blazing. Tyler would never forgive me. I didn’t know if she ever would for what I did to her in the past anyway, but acting like a dick now wouldn’t help matters.

  So I did something I thought I would never do. I left. I did a U-turn and went back to the hotel. I would stay there a while and come back later. And when I did, that fucker better be gone.

  Chapter 5

  Tyler

  Evan was on top of me and going through the motions, grunting and sweating, as I lay there picturing Dean in my head.

  Yes, I knew I was a fucking bitch. I couldn’t seem to help it. The more I thought about him, the more I could feel an orgasm rising inside me. So what did I do? I let it ride. I closed my eyes and pictured that moment in the club on Halloween night. The night when Dean held me close and fingered me until I fell apart. The night when he took me into a storeroom, slapped my ass, and fucked me hard and raw over a table.

  It didn’t take long after that for me to come apart, Evan joining me. Afterwards, he lay on top of me for a while, panting in my ear. I felt guilty, dirty, and ashamed of myself for doing this to him all the time. I wanted to be with him like he obviously wanted to be with me, but it was so hard. Even after all this time, I couldn’t seem to move on. A part of me wanted the family that Evan desired. I wanted stability for Jeremy’s sake. But the other part of me craved something that was so painfully missing.

  “I love you,” Evan whispered, but I heard him. All I could do was smile and kiss him. He pulled out of me, turned on his back, and closed his eyes.

  “You look exhausted. Get some rest. I’m going to go down to the hospital and do some reading. I’m keen to know what happens to Jemima Puddle-Duck and her secret nesting place.”

  Evan smiled. “Those kids love you. They often ask when you’re coming in next.”

  I beamed. “That’s good. I’m happy to hear it.”

  I got up and went to take a shower. I was looking forward to my visit. I often went to the hospital to read to the kids. I enjoyed it as it gave me the therapy I needed. Being with them was always a constant reminder of how much I needed to appreciate everything and everyone around me. Life was precious and you had to grab hold of it. If you didn’t, time would pass you by, and before you would realize it, you’d be gone, leaving behind regrets.

  Getting dressed into something more summery, I left Evan to sleep as I got in the car and drove to the hospital. As I walked into the room, a nurse named Tina greeted me. “Hey, Jessica. How are you today?”

  I smiled. “I’m fine, thank you. I need to make sure that the terrible fox in The Tale of Jemima Puddle-Duck gets his comeuppance.”

  Tina laughed. “I could tell you, if you want.”

  I shook my finger at her. “Uh-uh. I have to find out for myself. I hate spoilers.” I sighed a little and looked into the room. “How are they today?”

  Tina smiled. “David was sent home yesterday.”

  I gasped. “That’s great. I’m so thrilled.”

  “I thought you would be.”

  I was quite close to David because he was another child with Leukemia. It was nowhere near as aggressive as Jeremy’s was, but he was still pretty sick with it. I knew he was getting better with each treatment, so to hear he had been discharged made my heart swell.

  I nudged Tina’s shoulder. “I’m going in.”

  Tina nodded and opened the door for me. As soon as I entered, Katie squealed. She was only eight, but her hair was already thinning because of the chemotherapy. Thankfully, it was helping, so at least that was one thing. When she first arrived, she had beautiful long chestnut hair, but now it was falling out and lifeless. It was sad to see, but I was determined not to let it show.

  “How’s Jeremy?” She was smiling and it made me feel warm inside.

  I sat down next to her bed. “He’s a little sick, but his grandparents are taking care of him now. He’ll be getting spoiled rotten.” I smiled, but I felt a pang at just the mention of him. I missed Jeremy already.

  “He’ll be okay.” She lay her hand on mine and I couldn’t help but feel in awe of this little girl. Here she was, a very sick child, yet she was comforting me.

  “I know he will. Thank you, Katie.”

  She smiled. “Don’t mention it.” She lay back again. “So are you going to read me the rest of the story? I really want to know what’s going to happen to Jemima Puddle-Duck, but I don’t want anyone else to read it to me.” She smiled and my heart lit up.

  “Well then! We must get started.”

  *****

  I read the story and found out that Kep, the Collie, came to the rescue in the end. It was a pretty hairy moment, but Katie and I got through it okay. After that, I stayed for a couple more hours, reading and talking to all the other kids. I spoke to a couple of nurses there, too, and caught up on all the gossip.

  After saying my goodbyes, I went to the local grocery store to pick up something for dinner. By the time I get all my errands done, it was after two in the afternoon.

  Arriving back at home, I packed all the stuff away, then gave my mum and dad a call. Jeremy was fine and, apparently, snuggled up in bed eating ice cream and watching Finding Nemo on the TV. It was nice to know he was getting better, but I still missed him.

  After hanging up, I switched on the TV and watched Finding Nemo, as well. It somehow made me feel like I was watching it with him.

  Later, I went for a swim, took a shower, and started making something to eat. Considering the weather was so hot, I made a salad with chicken, ham, and cheese. Evan can’t get enough of cheese.

  “Hmmm, something smells lovely. I could get used to this.”

  I turned and saw him coming down the stairs. His hair was all wet and wild from the shower, and he was wearing his khaki’s again.

  “I’m doing chicken salad with ham and plenty of cheese.”

  Evan snaked his arms around me from behind and nibbled on my ear. “You were amazing this morning. I’ve never seen you let go like that before. It was awesome.”

  I closed my eyes as the guilt instantly came. “You were pretty awesome yourself.” I hated lying, but I couldn’t say anything. God, I’m the worst girlfriend ever!

  “I’d take you again if I wasn’t so hungry. I could eat a horse.”

  Turning, I smiled up at Evan and kissed him. “Go sit down. I’ll bring everything to the table.”

  We sat and ate dinner as he told me about his shift the night before, and I told him that I now knew what happened to Jemima Puddle-Duck.

  After dinner, I placed everything into my dishwasher, then turned to the fridge to get some wine. I poured myself a glass and sipped it as I stared out at the pool. Evan was soon behind me, nuzzling his nose into my neck. I soon felt him go hard as he turned me around to kiss me. “I want you again,” he breathed into my mouth. “I’ve had one hunger satisfied, and now I need the other taken care of. You know how to take good care of me, Jessica.” He kissed me hungrily and picked me up to place me on the kitchen island. He pulled my hips forward and moaned into my mouth. “God, I fucking love you, Jessica. I love the feel of your skin, the taste of your lips, the touch of your hands on my body. I love everything about you.” Evan hitched up my dress and yanked at my panties. I didn’t know whether I had the heart to go through with this again, but I also didn’t have the heart to stop him.

  Evan came back to my neck and started kissing me slowly and deliberately. “I want to be inside you so damn much.” He pulled at his trousers, and just as he was about to undo his button, his beeper went off.

  Saved by the bell.

  “Shit!” He was pissed. I knew it had to be an emergency at work and Evan could never ignore an emergency. He grabbed his beeper and looked down.
“Fuck. I’ve got an emergency bypass to do. I’m so sorry.”

  I tried to look disheartened as I brushed his lips with mine. “Don’t be. It’s your job. I would hate to think you didn’t save someone because you were too busy humping me.”

  Evan smiled. “Humping you?”

  I giggled and jumped off the island. “Yeah. Humping. Now go get ready. You have a life to save.” I smiled tenderly and he kissed me quickly on the cheek before doing up his trousers and running out the door.

  I felt like an idiot. I also felt like the worst woman in the world. How I had managed to fool myself all this time into thinking I could let Evan into my heart, I would never know. I suppose some people stay with someone because, in their heads, it’s the right thing to do. That, in time, you could learn to love them and be a better person because of it. But didn’t that mean forcing yourself to change who you really were? Didn’t that mean never giving into what your heart truly desired?

  Right now, I didn’t know what the fuck to think. My head and my heart were all over the place and I knew it was because of Dean. In my heart, I knew he was close. I knew he was watching me again. I got that same sense I had last time he stalked me for three years. Did he see me this morning? Did he see Evan? If he did see Evan, what the hell was he thinking now? These questions were rolling around in my mind so much, my head was starting to hurt.

  In that moment, I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. Why was I torturing myself by keeping Jeremy away when I missed him so damn much? It was stupid, I know. Call it motherly instinct, call it protecting my heart, call it anything to explain my actions right now.

  Feeling exhausted, I picked up my glass of wine and sat in front of the TV for a while. It didn’t help to relax me, so I decided to take a long, cool bath instead. I get my provisions…strawberries, chocolate sauce, and a bottle of cava…and went upstairs to run my bath.

  By the time I was finished, I was stuffed with strawberries, tipsy on the cava, and was cleaner than I had been in a long time. I gave one more call to my parents, who told me Jeremy was now sleeping peacefully, so I decided to do the same. I slipped into my silk nightdress, turned on my dim lamp by my bed, and slipped under the sheets.