Take This Regret

What an ignorant asshole I continual y proved to be.

  For one brief, self-indulgent moment, I considered not making the correction.

  But while I wanted nothing more than to see Lizzie, to have a relationship with her, and to be a part of her life, there was no way I could go on with Elizabeth living in fear that one day I would try to take Lizzie away from her. If I were ever going to earn her trust back, I would have to start by being honest.

  “No, Elizabeth.” I leaned into the table, speaking barely above a whisper, “I won’t do that. I was upset that you weren’t returning my cal s, and . . . I . . . I just got caught up in the moment, and it came out. I won’t put you through that .

  . . I won’t.” I made the promise as I searched her face, praying she’d believe what I said, and praying even harder she wouldn’t be angered further by the realization that she’d essential y been tricked into this meeting. When I’d threatened to bring the courts into it while I was at her work, I’d immediately wished I could take the words back. Law was what I knew, what came natural y, and it had dropped from my mouth before I could stop it. I would never want to put Elizabeth through something as harrowing as a child custody battle. I was certain we could work this out between us.

  She sat up straight as she shook her head in disbelief.

  Oozing cynicism, she said, “You always manage to get your way, don’t you, Christian? I always knew you’d make the best lawyer. What was it you used to say? ‘Twist it until it fits?’ ”

  “Elizabeth . . . ,” I pleaded. Manipulating her had never been my goal, but somehow I’d managed to do it without even realizing it. I should have made it clear then, when I’d seen the look on her face, but I’d been too injured by her parting words that it had never dawned on me what had spurred them. “I’m sorry.”

  “You say that a lot.”

  I shifted uncomfortably, muttering as I stumbled over my remorse. “I have a lot to be sorry for.” The hardness on her face faltered, her eyes washed in sadness, before the wal s were back in place. But in that fleeting moment of vulnerability, I saw it, the light that had been Elizabeth, and it gave me hope.

  Elizabeth jerked as she heard Mommy cal ed from somewhere above. Daddy fol owed quickly after. I looked up to find Lizzie waving wildly from a clear plastic orb that nearly touched the high ceiling. Irrational fear gripped me when I saw her. Logical y, I knew these playgrounds were made for children, designed for their safety, but I couldn’t help the chil that shot down my spine. My eyes darted to Elizabeth who waved with just as much excitement at Lizzie. I turned back, waving too, though clearly without the enthusiasm the two of them shared.

  “Isn’t she a little smal to be up there by herself? It seems a little . . . high.”

  Elizabeth continued to wave as she spoke through her obviously forced smile, “It’s terrifying being a parent, isn’t it?” For the first time, her voice lacked its biting edge, and it felt like her assertion was more for herself than for me.

  Gazing up at Lizzie, I could do nothing but agree.

  “Terrifying.”

  In silence, Elizabeth and I continued to watch Lizzie, each of us turned to sit sideways at the end of the booth.

  The question had been burning in my mouth the entire time we’d been here, and I final y found myself bold enough to ask it before I no longer had the chance. “So, you and Matthew aren’t?” The pregnant pause supplied the rest.

  Elizabeth jerked her head toward me, clearly shocked by my question. “What? No.” Her nose wrinkled in the way it always had when she seemed genuinely confused by something. “What . . . how did you?” Her brow creased as she looked at me, puzzled.

  “I just—”

  She stopped me when the shock seemed to wear off.

  “You know what? What I do with my personal life is none of your business.” Shaking her head, she pushed her bangs aggressively from her face before turning her attention back to Lizzie.

  Right. None of my business. Frustrated, I leaned on my elbows digging them into my knees and raked my hands over the back of my head while I stared at my shoes.

  A now-familiar warmth spread through me, and I looked up, coming face-to-face with a very excited little girl.

  “Did you see me up there, Daddy?” She pointed proudly at the clear bal . “I was so high!”

  “Yes, sweetheart, I did see you. You’re such a big girl.” I left out the part where she had nearly given me a heart attack.

  Elizabeth began to clear the trash from the table, piling their empty cartons and wraps on a tray, and I knew the most important day of my life was coming to an end.

  God, I didn’t want it to end.

  With great reluctance, I stood and began to clean up my area.

  Was this it? The last I would be al owed to see of my baby girl?

  I choked on the pain elicited by that thought, my head pounding and stomach turning as every cel of my body protested.

  “Come on, Daddy.” Lizzie tugged on my hand that was suddenly in hers.

  Shaken into motion, I numbly fol owed, hating each step that brought me closer to the end. Elizabeth walked with purpose ahead of us as if she had final y found her escape. Faster than my mind could process, we were standing beside their car, my hand firmly gripping Lizzie’s. I was terrified to let it go.

  Lizzie, don’t let me go.

  “Daddy, are you coming to my birthday party next Saturday?” I was pul ed from my inner discourse by her shocking question; it formed as if she had heard my shocking question; it formed as if she had heard my thoughts.

  I cast a sidelong glance at Elizabeth, trying to gauge her reaction. She tensed before she final y spoke, the words control ed as she tried to hide the obvious tenor of irritation in her voice. “I’m sure he already has plans, Lizzie.”

  I shook my head rapidly. “No plans.” Unless she wanted to consider me sitting on the couch, flipping mindlessly through television channels, plans.

  Elizabeth huffed with indignation and turned away as she seemed to war with something within herself. Final y, she turned back to us and raised her chin as she said,

  “Three o’clock. My house.” They were not just words. They were a warning that I heard loud and clear. Don’t mess this up.

  Swept in relief, I released the heavy breath I’d been holding and promised, “I’l be there.”

  The look Elizabeth gave me told me, You’d better be.

  Lizzie squealed beside me, “Yay!” Then she threw herself into my arms, catching me off guard. I lifted her almost awkwardly, never having held a child, before hugging her to me, holding her tight enough to feel her heart beating wildly against mine. She squeezed her arms around my neck and buried her face in my chest. I breathed in the moment, memorizing everything.

  Then against my ear, she whispered, “I love you, Daddy.”

  I gasped and hugged her even closer, as I love you poured from my mouth. My eyes burned with emotion, so much so fast, overwhelming. Tears slipped away before I understood what was happening.

  For the first time since I was a smal boy, I was crying.

  Opening my eyes to find Elizabeth staring at me, I mouthed a soundless thank-you. Whether she understood it or not, she had just given me back my heart. She held my regard for an instant before dropping her attention to the ground. My heart ached as I set Lizzie back on the ground, wishing to hold her forever, but pacified in knowing I would see her soon. She climbed into the booster seat and strapped herself in. Leaning in, I pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.

  “Goodbye, precious girl.”

  She grinned up at me, scrunching her nose in the cutest way. “Bye, Daddy.”

  Shutting the door was probably the hardest thing I’d ever done.

  Elizabeth shuffled her feet in discomfort, her arms wrapped protectively against herself.

  I wanted to say so much, explain, but figured today I’d pushed my luck about as far as it would go.

  “Goodbye, Elizabeth,” I said softly.

  Her face
contorted, twisted in agony as she chewed on her trembling lower lip. I hated that I made her feel this way.

  Rushed with the urge to comfort her, I reached out, sooner than I had the chance to think better of it. Wide-eyed with shock, she reeled back. My eyes grew as wide as hers did when I realized what I’d done.

  Then she jumped in her car and sped away.

  Out of breath, I tied off what felt like the thousandth bal oon I’d blown up today. Not surprising, they were pink. Al of them.

  Strong hands came to rest on my shoulders while soothing fingers massaged in an attempt to chase away the tightness in my muscles. “Are you doing okay, Liz?” I shrugged against his hands, glancing over my shoulder at Matthew. What was I going to say? That I was okay? Because I wasn’t. Nothing seemed worse than Christian invading the safety of my home. Sympathetic eyes promised he understood.

  Real y, I didn’t know how I was going to make it through today. Watching Christian interact with Lizzie last Saturday had been nothing less than excruciating. I’d prayed that he just wouldn’t show up, ending the whole thing quickly, instead of dragging the inevitable out.

  Of course, he came.

  Hearing Lizzie cal him Daddy had broken my heart al over again, and hearing him agree had made me want to spit in his face. I couldn’t watch as Lizzie snuggled up to him, how he wrapped his arm around her, how he looked at her. I’d spent most of the time studying greasy fingerprints on the wal , fighting against the urge to grab my daughter and run out the door, and reminding myself that this was the lesser of two evils.

  Then the bastard thanked me as if I’d given him a gift and denied that he would have taken me to court. So typical, he’d played the good guy after he’d gotten what he wanted. I’d decided right there that I was going to end this. I wouldn’t al ow him to play games with me or with my daughter.

  That plan was squelched when Lizzie had invited him to her birthday party. What was I supposed to do? Refuse my daughter? Her face held more hope than I’d ever seen.

  I’d searched for an excuse, a reason for him not to come, certain he wouldn’t sacrifice two Saturday afternoons in a row for a child that he didn’t even know, a child that I refused to believe he cared anything about.

  And since nothing ever goes my way, he’d countered, saying he had no plans. Lizzie was thril ed and had jumped straight into his arms.

  The moment that fol owed had nearly ruined me, almost unable to bear what was taking place. I’d wanted to turn away but couldn’t as Lizzie buried herself in his arms, her words muffled though clear. She told him she loved him, and he’d returned the affection. His tears almost made me question my resolve, the sincerity of his whispered thank-you.

  Then when he’d stood before me, I’d almost broken down, the questions that had swirled in my head the entire time fighting release from my mouth.

  How could you?

  Did you think of me? Did you think of our child?

  Why didn’t you love me enough?

  Did you even love me at al ?

  Why now, after so many years?

  And in that second, I wanted to know why he was looking at me as if he wanted me.

  His move to touch me had shocked me back into my reality. Dangerous. I had been there before, and I knew that if I al owed him to speak, to explain, I would so easily fal prey to his deceit. I would believe, and believing in Christian Davison again would be the most foolish move I could ever make.

  “Hey, Liz, where do you want this?” Mom stood in the doorway between the living room and kitchen, holding up the heart-shaped piñata she had fil ed with candy and little goodies for the kids.

  “Um . . . I think Matthew has a rope set up for it outside.” I glanced at him, and he nodded, already walking her way.

  “I’l take care of that, Linda.”

  “Thanks.” She handed it to him, and Matthew disappeared through the sliding glass door to the backyard. Mom lingered, watching me as I gathered the last bunch of bal oons to take outside to finish off the decorations.

  “You okay?” Mom’s voice was deep with concern, her face etched with the kind of worry only a mother could feel.

  I smiled sadly at her. Mom and I were very close and shared most everything. She knew how deeply Christian had wounded me, and there was no one who understood it as wel as she did. My own father had left her for another woman, leaving her alone to raise three little girls. He’d just disappeared in the middle of the night from our lives forever.

  “I’l be okay, Mom.”

  She searched my face, not believing my answer. It was as if she could sense every fear I had. “You’d better go upstairs and finish getting Lizzie ready. It’s nearly two-thirty.

  I’l help them finish up outside.” She tilted her head toward the ceiling, breaking the intense moment we’d shared.

  I nodded and started up the stairs. Lizzie’s laugh floating down to me lightened my mood. Her cousins were obviously very successful in entertaining her while the rest of us prepared for her party. My family was so supportive, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Happily giving up an entire Saturday for us, everyone had shown up first thing this morning to set up.

  Al three children were on Lizzie’s bedroom floor.

  Lizzie and her cousin, Maggie, who was just a year older, were listening intently as Maggie’s older brother, Brandon, read them a story. It was so adorable.

  I watched them for a couple of minutes before interrupting. “Hey, Lizzie. It’s time to get dressed. Your guests wil be coming soon.”

  She jumped up, squealing and running around in circles in her room. “Yay!” She was wound up tight, but I could only grin because of her excitement. I pul ed her princess dress from her closet, and she squealed again when she saw it, clapping her hands wildly.

  “Oh, Mommy, I’m gonna be so pretty!”

  Maggie and Brandon left the room, and I helped Lizzie into the pink, fril y dress, which was real y a dress-up costume, one she’d seen at the toy store and had fal en in love with. It was a bit out of my price range, but I’d set aside a little over the last month and surprised her with it after I’d gotten home from work last night.

  “You are the prettiest princess I’ve ever seen,” I said with a smile, kissing her nose. She giggled, and twirled in front of the ful -length mirror on the back of her door. I pinned the plastic tiara in her hair, and she stepped into the little satin slippers.

  My princess.

  “Thank-you, Momma.” Her voice was soft and fil ed with appreciation and love as she looked at me. She was the most amazing child.

  I hugged her tightly before sitting back and holding her smal hands in mine. “You are so welcome, sweetheart.

  Happy birthday.” I wasn’t surprised to find tears in my eyes.

  I was feeling very emotional, both saddened and joyed that my baby girl was turning five, not to mention the intense strain Christian had placed in my life. Lizzie reached out, catching a tear with her finger.

  “Don’t be sad, Mommy.”

  I shook my head, vehement. “No, baby. These are happy tears.” She’d seen me cry so much lately, and I refused to al ow another emotional breakdown to affect her day.

  “Come on. Let’s go see your surprise.” I stood, holding my hand out to her. She took it, my assurance enough to erase the concern I had caused in her. Her feet were anxious as she dragged me down the stairs.

  Lizzie froze the moment she stepped outside, her face alight in awe. “Oh, Momma,” she whispered as she slowly took in our smal backyard that had been transformed into her kingdom for the day. Matthew had rented a huge white tent that covered the entire yard from the end of the patio to the wal , the kind normal y reserved for weddings. Hundreds of pink bal oons hung from it, covering the entire underside.

  Silver streamers curled out from them, glinting and shining in the afternoon sun. Natalie and my little sister, Carrie, had painted a mural they’d attached along the back wal with a scene depicting a white castle surrounded by rol ing green
hil s scattered with white unicorns. A few tables sat under the patio, covered in pink tablecloths, each centered with a different fairy tale princess surrounded by fresh-cut flowers.

  My older sister, Sarah, had volunteered to make a cake, and the huge 3-D princess cake sat proudly on a table that was pushed up against the wal .

  Her face glowed. “Thank-you, Mommy.” She looked up at me from where she stood at my side, her hand stil firmly in mine.

  I gestured with my head to the rest of our family who had gathered in front of us, each of them eagerly awaiting her reaction. “It wasn’t just me, Lizzie. They did this for you.” Never would I have been able to do this without them. They were so good to my daughter, so good to me, and I loved them more than the world.

  Lizzie shot forward, hugging and kissing each of them, giggling and blushing as everyone claimed that she was the most beautiful princess they’d ever seen. I gazed upon my family, silently thanking them for everything they’d done.

  Their eyes swam with affection, holding the promise that they wanted it no other way.

  They’d never viewed us a burden, even though sometimes I felt that way.

  Lizzie’s eyes grew wide in excitement with the sound of the doorbel , while mine grew wide with alarm.

  “It’s party time!” Natalie sang, swooping in to take Lizzie into her arms and spinning her in an exaggerated dance as they disappeared into the house to answer the door.

  Nervously, I ran my hand over my face and through my hair in a vain attempt to calm myself.

  Sarah appeared at my side, nudging my shoulder.

  “Relax.”

  I suppressed a snort.

  How could I relax when I had to welcome Christian into my home, the one who had wounded me deeper than anyone, the one who haunted my days and held me in my dreams?

  Impossible.

  The worst part of it al was, somewhere deep inside me, I knew that al owing him here today was official y inviting him into our lives.

  Anticipation stirred, pushing me forward.

  Yeah, I was nervous and unable to imagine how an afternoon spent with Elizabeth’s family could turn out pleasant, but I didn’t care. Seeing my daughter again, sharing her birthday with her were the only things that mattered.