The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus

  The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus

  A Novel about Marriage, Motherhood, and Mayhem

  Sonya Sones

  For my husband Bennett

  and my daughter Ava—

  who are not

  the husband and the daughter in this book.

  No.

  Seriously.

  And for my son Jeremy, too—

  who’s glad to have dodged a bullet on this one.

  BY THE FIRE

  I’m curled up like a comma

  on my couch,

  swaddled in

  my husband’s velvet arms,

  watching sparks

  play chase games up the flue,

  breathing in

  our pepper tree’s sweet scent,

  listening to her hiss

  and snap and purr,

  savoring

  her sizzling scarlet glow,

  this heat of hers that flows

  into my bones,

  knowing

  that our tree’s not really gone—

  that even when her arms

  have turned to ash

  a part of her, the heart of her,

  will live on in these lines.

  THE POET’S DISCLAIMER

  Oh no!

  Due to reflow-

  able text capability in e-books like this,

  the pages might look somewhat amiss

  when comprised of poems—

  not at all like they do in paper tomes.

  If you find that the font is too small to read

  and you choose to adjust it to suit your need,

  the stanzas might look a tad out of whack.

  So feel free to switch it right back.

  And there’s just one more thing

  that I would like to bring to your attention:

  I feel I must mention

  that though some like to read

  while they rub-a-dub-dub,

  you’d be wise to keep this version out of the tub.

  Contents

  The Poet’s Disclaimer

  Skidmarks

  What I Learn from Cosmo While Waiting to See the Doctor

  Ultrasound

  Michael and I Don’t Want Any More Children

  But Now–I’ll Never be Pregnant Again

  Bad Timing

  The Phone Rings–Snapping Me Back to the Present

  As Soon As I Hang Up the Phone, It Rings Again

  When I Get Home from the Beach

  But Don’t Get Me Wrong

  Then Suddenly–The Doorbell’s Ringing

  Alice and I Drain the Bottle

  When Michael Returns Home with Samantha

  Half an Hour Later

  When Wendy and Tess Come to Pick Up Sam

  When Michael Returns from Driving Alice Home

  When Sam Gets Home from Studying at Laura’s

  Happy Birthday to Me

  What I Am

  Hmmmlet…

  Thanksgiving

  Cousin Alice Arrives for Thanksgiving Dinner

  Though I Have to Admit

  The True Meaning of Wistful

  I Consider Myself a Pretty Darn Good Speller

  Christmas in Cleveland

  I Glance Over at My Mother

  New Year’s Resolution

  Which Is More Than I Can Say About Myself These Days

  But What I Really Can’t Figure Out

  Time Flies

  Crying Jags

  Because

  What I Finally Figure Out is This

  When Michael Returns from the Frame Shop

  Moments Later

  My Mother Has Been Admitted to the Hospital

  I Hang Up and Call My Mother

  The Kind of Girl Samantha Is

  And When She Finally Finishes Baking

  And Suddenly, A Memory Washes Over Me

  April Fool’s Day

  Our Baby’s Been in There for Ten Minutes

  When Sam Finally Emerges

  My Floodgates are Getting Ready to Burst

  Writus Interruptus

  I Mean, for Cryin’ Out Loud

  Then, of Course, Things Spiraled Out of Control

  After an Argument with Hubby

  Is It a Bad Sign?

  When I Finally Run Out of Old Boyfriends

  I Don’t Answer My Daughter’s Rhetorical Question

  Shift Happens

  The Leaning Tower of Me

  Chamber of Horrors

  A Brief History of My Boobs

  On the Way Out of Neiman’s

  Cousin Alice Calls

  Dr. Hack Finally Gets on the Line

  I Tell Dr. Hack That Someone’s at the Door

  But…

  But Roxie’s Call Has Freaked Me Out

  Even My Hair is Fifty…

  My Knees are Fifty, Too

  For Chrissake–

  Maybe This is How It Will Happen

  Is This How It Was For You?

  How Do U No When Ur Old?

  So I’m Feeling a Little Sad Today

  Kitchen Quarrel

  But I Shudder to Think About Next Year

  Where I Get My Ideas

  And Speaking of Blood

  But That’s Not How I Described It to My Daughter

  It Can’t Be PMS

  Rude Awakening

  Is It a Bad Sign?

  To the One-Pound Bag of Oreos I Just Bought

  I am Not Addicted to Email

  Pepto Abysmal

  Saturday Morning

  Later On, Back at the Helliday Inn

  Damn!

  I Hang Up and Punch in Michael’s Number

  On Sunday Morning

  Why Don’t I Ask Him This?

  But, Really

  In the Taxi on the Way Home from the Airport

  It’s Past Midnight When I Finally Get Home

  The Next Day

  After Alice Leaves

  On the Way to the Farmers’ Market

  Is It a Bad Sign?

  When I’m Writing a Poem

  When I’m Writing a Poem

  I am Tired of Being a Poet

  And Come to Think of It

  And You Know What?

  Every Time My Mother Calls

  When I Get Like This

  Though, Let’s Face It

  Anyone Could Have Moved into That House

  Actually

  I’m In a Huge Hurry

  Michael Doesn’t Notice Me Coming

  So I Ask Him for My Scissors, Instead

  Our Pepper Tree is Failing Fast

  On Mother’s Day

  I Ask Dr. Hack About My Mother’s Memory Loss

  In Praise of Popcorn

  I Wish My Mother Were Doing Better

  The Last Time

  A Few Minutes Later

  Before Prom

  Hold On–Back Up a Couple of Stanzas!

  Just Kidding

  A Sentimental Silence Drifts Down Over Us

  Oh, Well

  A Few Days After Prom

  Graduation Day Snapshot

  Another Call from My Mother

  I Pull Myself Together

  But I Call Alice, Just to Make Sure

  Weekend Update

  Is It a Bad Sign?

  Limbo Daze

  I’ve Been Out All Morning Buying Presents for My Mother

  So I Stomp Out of My Office

  Omigod!

  My Hand Creeps Out

  Suddenly

  Samantha Says She’s Craving an Omelet

  Sam Hands Me a Stick of Butter

  Two Mindless Hours, Three New Bras, Four New T-Shirts, and Five New Sweaters Later

  Samantha Notices, Too

>   Enough is Enough

  Here is What the Email Says

  Michael’s Not Buying Art Supplies!

  I Turn to Run Out the Door

  At Which Point

  Later

  That Evening

  It is Dr. Hack!

  The Three of Us Do the “Happy Benign Mass” Dance

  My Mother is Not a Married Woman

  Is It a Bad Sign?

  Trying to Reserve the Flight That Will Take Samantha to College

  A Few Weeks Before Samantha Leaves for College

  Trashed

  In Just a Few More Days

  But How Can That be Possible?

  Samantha Was an Incredible Baby

  And Michael Was Grateful, Too

  One Day

  I’m Cleaning Out Samantha’s Closet

  I Close the Lid On the Box

  A No-Brainer

  Aftermath

  I Close the Door Behind Them

  Remembering the Day Samantha Learned to Ride

  I Take a Few Deep Breaths

  When My Mother Hears My Voice

  I Just Weighed Myself

  And I’ll Cry If I Want To

  The Night Before Samantha Leaves

  Alice Drove Us to the Airport at Noon

  We’re the First to Arrive at Her Dorm

  Everyone’s Unpacking

  Making Up Her Bed

  An Old Friend

  The Unpacking is Done

  After We Kiss Samantha Goodnight

  Is It a Bad Sign?

  In the Morning

  When I Hug My Daughter Good-Bye

  I Will Miss Her

  The Captain Has Turned on the Seat Belt Sign

  The Taxi Drops Us Off in front of Our House

  Our Pepper Tree is Dead

  Samantha’s Room

  At the Grocery Store

  So I’m Feeling a Little Sad Today

  The Phone Rings

  We Say Good-Bye to Samantha and Hang Up

  The Mothers of Daughters Who Have Gone Off to College

  Michael Says We Need to Have Some Fun Together

  At Spumoni’s

  The Next Morning

  How Does It Happen?

  I Head to the Bedroom to Lie Down

  A Minute Later

  I’m Still in Mid-Weep When Alice Calls

  The Phone Rings Again

  Stopping to Admire a Baby at the Cleaners

  And Speaking of My Mother…

  I’m Really Not in the Mood to Go Out

  On a Bad Day

  It’s Strange…

  A Match.Com Made in Heaven

  Double Date

  What to Expect When Your Husband Goes into Therapy

  I Want a New Husband

  I Want a New Husband

  I Want a New Husband

  Firewood

  Our Backyard Looks So Barren Now

  Then–Pinkie Starts Yapping

  Another Call from Samantha

  A Chat with Dr. Hack

  United Flight #3534

  The Visit

  My Mother Finally Nods Off

  That’s the Bad News

  I’m Blushing in Places I’ve Never Blushed Before

  I Have Got to Get a Grip

  Griffin Presses the Button for the Fifth Floor

  I Feel As If I’m in a Dream

  I Gasp and Stifle a Scream

  “Someone” is a Lot Claustrophobic!

  And As Soon As I Hear It

  So…

  And That’s When I Notice It

  Griffin’s Silhouette Glides Closer

  But Then

  The Lights Flicker Back On!

  The Really Good News

  Before I Can Answer Her Question

  Dr. Gold Invites Me to His Office to Talk

  All That Glitters is Dr. Gold

  After My Mother’s Examination

  Hospital Waiting Room Haiku

  Aftershocks

  My Mother Takes a Nap

  The Sun Paints the Parking Lot Pink

  The Next Morning

  I Step Outside to Take the Call

  As Soon As We Say Good-Bye

  Turbulence

  Isn’t It Strange?

  I Splash Some Cold Water on My Face

  When I Return to the Hospital

  Time Does Not Fly When You are Waiting for Test Results

  I’ve Never Been Much Good at Waiting

  Thank God!

  For the Next Few Days

  Marriage is a Fire

  You Know What I Love About Michael?

  On a Good Day

  Michael and I Go Over to Meet the New Baby

  Sam’s Taking a Class Called Positive Psychology

  I Don’t Feel Like Going to the Party

  And That’s When It Dawns On Me

  Safe and Sound?

  Today, When I Call

  During the Hell That Freezes Over

  I’ve Been Working Day and Night

  It Happens for the Zillionth Time On the Eve of My Fifty-First Birthday

  I Shove Open the French Doors

  On My Birthday

  Later On

  Culture Shock

  Aw, Come On

  In the Mail

  Is It a Good Sign?

  Nostalgia

  What I Am Going to Do

  Spanx?

  It’s a Perfect California Fall Day

  I Clear My Throat

  A Week Later–Roxie Calls

  By the Fire

  A Recipe for Butterscotch Brownies

  Acknowledgments

  About the Author

  Other Books by Sonya Sones

  Credits

  Copyright

  About the Publisher

  SKIDMARKS

  The first one catches my eye

  as I fly down the freeway rushing

  to get to the doctor’s office on time

  and pretty soon that’s all I can see—

  streaming across the pavement

  in blurred black streaks

  as though

  the road’s mascara

  is running.

  I don’t want to fixate

  on these desperate claw marks,

  these permanent records of calamity,

  but I can’t seem

  to stop myself

  from staring at them

  any more than I can stop myself

  from careening toward

  my fiftieth birthday—

  the one that’s rushing at me

  like a cinderblock wall while I try