What's Left of Us

  “Wendy’s perfect. The implantation went so smoothly. She had to rest for the first day, but that was it.”

  “Dre! That’s so exciting.” She tears up.

  “It’s crazy that it’s really happening!”

  “What do you mean? You didn’t think it would?”

  “I thought we’d get some time to prepare. If I’m being honest, I’m a little freaked out.” Not in a bad way. More like the exciting moment when you don’t know whether you should be screaming at the top of your lungs, crying, or jumping for joy.

  “I get it. It’s a big step to take, but trust me, there’s no better feeling in the world than when you meet your child for the first time—when they look up at you.”

  I want that feeling.

  “Once I got my life back on my own timeline, I’ve been focused on having everything go as planned. It just goes to show you things never go the way you expect them to.” I let out a small laugh.

  “This wasn’t in your plan?”

  “It’s not that having a child wasn’t in our plan. I’ve wanted a family since the moment I was told I may never be able to carry my own children. I wanted to leave the doctor’s office that day kicking and screaming I was so mad. Mad that I’d just learned I had cancer and needed all this treatment, and mad that something I hadn’t really known I wanted, until that moment, was being taken away. First, I was in denial, but then it was pure anger. I figured that if I couldn’t carry a child then I wouldn’t freeze my eggs. I’d just adopt and be content with that.”

  “But you did freeze your eggs, and here you are all these years later getting ready to have your baby.”

  “I know. I just thought we’d get time to process it all; I don’t think it’s really sunk in yet. And then … you know, I told my mom about meeting with Wendy and she makes me start to think about …”

  “What?”

  I don’t like talking about this. I hate feeling so weak. I feel like when I’m taking a step forward, I’m being pushed back down when I’m forced to think about it all.

  “Dre?”

  “All the what-ifs when it comes to my health. I’ve dreamed of this, Amy. And then … my mind plays tricks on me and I starting thinking, what if my heart isn’t under control and everything spirals downward? Or … I go in for a scan and they find something? I could handle it. I know I could. I’m strong enough. But could Parker handle it? Then I think about our unborn baby and if something did show up one day, how would that affect my child?” I’m not sure if I’m making sense, but I need to express my thoughts.

  “No, I’m stopping you right there. There are no what-ifs. There is no more cancer, Aundrea. That chapter of your life is over. Dre, listen to me. You’ve had to grow up much sooner than most people your age. Look at the last year alone, and how much you’ve grown. How confident you are, not only in your personal life but in the impact you have on people you see in the clinic every week. You’re following your dreams, and I’m so proud of you.”

  I fight back tears. “Yes, it’s been three years, but I have two more years until I’m considered in remission. That’s a long time. Do you know what I go through every time I get a cold and have swollen glands? The first thing I think is that my cancer is back. I have to fight the urge to panic. Not because I’m scared, but because I think about how Parker will take the news. How he would hold up. And now …” I collect my jumbled thoughts, hoping to make sense of them.

  “I’m not afraid of my cancer, my heart, or dying, Amy. I never was. But I’m terrified to leave my loved ones behind. I’m scared beyond belief to think about my child living without me, motherless. About how it will affect the rest of their life. That they’ll have to go on without knowing who I am; that there are so many things I would miss out on. I never want to watch those around me suffer if I get diagnosed again, or if one day I get bad news about my heart.”

  “We’re all going to die, Dre. You will leave your loved ones and there is no way around that. It may not be cancer, or your heart, but something will take your life one day, and when that day comes you better be screaming from the rooftops that you lived a life worth screaming over. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll be able to move forward with your life.

  “I haven’t met one person—me included—who hasn’t thought about death and how it will affect the people they leave behind. But believe me when I tell you I will never let doubt or fear run my life. As cheesy as the saying is, I will cherish each day as if it’s my last. You should do the same. Life’s too short, Aundrea. Be happy in the now.”

  Her words hit me right in the pit of my stomach. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll be able to move forward with your life.

  “I want that, but how do you get over your deepest fear and move on to live the life you want to have? That you deserve to have?”

  “You look fear in the eye and jump off the ledge. Have you talked this over with Parker?”

  I shake my head.

  “Genna?”

  “No. Genna’s like my mom. She tends to worry, and I don’t want that. She’s in a really good place right now with the business, Jason, and Hannah. The last thing I want is to worry her with my random thoughts.”

  “What about Jean?”

  “Jean knows. She’s always known.” Jean listens. She makes the pain go away with only her presence.

  “Talk to her.”

  “I hate showing that I’m weak. I’m supposed to be strong.”

  “You are, but sometimes the strong ones need to lean on someone, too. You can’t always be the one to make everything perfect. Your past doesn’t determine who you are. Don’t let it. You need to have faith. Getting over a fear doesn’t happen overnight, but accepting it will get you a lot closer to being over it.”

  “You’re right.”

  I need to continue doing what I have been: focusing on our future.

  Our family’s future.

  “When I was diagnosed with breast cancer it made me reevaluate my life. I was so focused on having everything around me in line that I lost focus on what was right in front of me: my family.” Amy pauses, sipping her water. “Just know that sometimes what life brings you—what’s not in your control—can be positive.”

  I cradle the hot mug of coffee, focusing on how the warmth seeps into my fingertips and hands and moves through me. The aroma of the dark roast, with a hint of vanilla from their special creamer, fills the air.

  “When did you become so wise?” I ask, smiling weakly.

  Amy grins. “Don’t dwell so much on your path having to go a certain way, Aundrea. There will always be bumps in the road, but sometimes those bumps are good. You’ll see that when you’re finally holding that precious gift in your arms, and I hope to see that day.”

  I always said during my cancer that life has a plan for me. Maybe the things you never thought you’d get to have, live to see, or be able to do somehow find you.

  “Aundrea Jackson,” a loud, echoey voice crackles. “Graduating with honors, Aundrea is earning her Bachelors in Physics.” I take a deep breath as I stand. The white honor ropes hang freely around my neck as I march to the stage where the dean of students is standing front and center.

  It’s been a week since the implantation, and no news yet. Not that either of us were expecting to hear something by now, but we’re eager.

  Looking into the crowd, I scan for my family and friends as I cross the stage. They’re not difficult to find. My parents, Genna and Hannah, Jason, Jean, Kevin, and even Shannon from For the Love of Paws are all here. Unfortunately, Amy and her family couldn’t make it.

  My eyes land on Parker last. He towers over the rest of them so our gazes can meet and linger. His face is bright, his eyes glowing, and the most handsome smile I’ve ever seen is framed by light stubble.

  “Congratulations,” the dean says, pulling my attention from Parker. He shakes my hand and moves on to calling the next name.

  Whistling, clapping, and yelling erupt as I fin
ish my walk across the stage. It’s a miraculous feeling to finally take the steps. To be here.

  I didn’t get to graduate with my high school class, so crossing the stage today, surrounded by my friends and family, gives me a sense of feeling whole. Of finally achieving something I’ve worked so hard to accomplish.

  I let out a deep breath as I look back at Parker’s smile. He gives me a wink that sends my heart into a flurry, and I smile back.

  We all have those moments when we stop and look back at our lives. When we think about all the things we’ve accomplished and the things that have lead us to where we are today. This is definitely one of mine.

  I take my seat and watch the rest of the students cross the stage.

  “I give you the graduates of Winona State University, Rochester,” the dean thunders, and I flinch.

  The auditorium fills with a loud roar as we throw our caps high in the air. The rambunctious audience’s hoots and hollers bounce off the walls. I catch my cap in my hands, smiling at the thought of being a college graduate.

  “Congratulations,” Parker says when I jump into his arms after the ceremony. He twirls me in a circle, my black gown flowing in the wind.

  “Thank you.” When he sets me back on my feet, I’m instantly met with hugs and congratulations from the rest of my family.

  “I’m so proud of you honey,” my mom sniffles. Her eyes are red and swollen with emotion.

  “Thank you, Mom.”

  “Come here, little girl.” My dad pulls me into a tight hug. “I love you.” He kisses the top of my head. “I’m so proud of the spitfire you are and the fact that you never let go of your dreams. I knew you could do it.” His voice cracks on his last words and tears sting my eyes.

  “Dad, I love you. I couldn’t have done anything without your love and support. It gave me the strength to stand here today.”

  He wipes a tear. “This is just the beginning for you, baby girl.”

  I can’t imagine what this feels like for my parents. I love knowing that I’m giving my parents a memory they’ll never forget.

  A memory I’ll never forget.

  Genna invited us all back to her place for a celebratory dinner. I think it’s an excuse to get to use her new kitchen. Now that school’s out, it’s the only place she can be found.

  I take a seat next to Shannon on the patio. We’re all huddled around the crackling fire that Jason started.

  “How’s Wendy doing?” Shannon asks.

  Just as I’m about to answer, Parker lets out a deep laugh. I take him in. He’s wearing dark jeans and a blue pin-striped dress shirt with the sleeves rolled to his elbows. His head is tipped backward, mouth open, and he’s holding his beer with both hands, the sweat on the bottle dripping onto the brick below. His laugh sends rumbles within my own chest.

  He looks so sexy: laid back, comfortable, and happy.

  Looking back at the girls, I smile. “She’s good. We’re waiting very anxiously.”

  “That’s so exciting. And when are you moving into the house?”

  “Next week.”

  “I don’t know why more women don’t do what you’re doing,” Jean announces.

  “What do you mean?” Shannon asks.

  “If there are women willing to carry a baby for someone, why don’t more do that? I mean, come on. It’s the best pregnancy ever. You don’t gain any weight, you get to go about your life as usual, you don’t have to go through all the sickness that’s associated with pregnancy, and then bam, you bring home a baby.”

  “Personally, I’d hate that. I feel like it’s a part of the female nature to carry a child. I can’t imagine giving up the chance to feel them grow inside of you, moving around, to connect with them and know you’re creating a life. I bet it’s an amazing feeling. I’d hate to not experience—” Shannon stops speaking suddenly, looking at me. She claps a hand over her mouth, eyes intent. “Dre, I’m so sorry. That was inconsiderate of me. I can’t believe myself. Shit.” Her voice is muffled, but I make out the words clearly.

  “Don’t be; it’s okay.” I give her a reassuring smile. “I agree with you.” At seventeen I was forced into a life I didn’t want. A life no one wants. I’d love nothing more than to experience pregnancy, but I’ve had time to accept it, to become okay with not carrying my own child.

  I have to be.

  We roll into the early days of summer with no news from Wendy. The anticipation keeps growing and I’m not sure how much longer I can pass the time. Parker said we should call, but I can’t bring myself to do it yet. It’s been almost three weeks since the implantation and I’m terrified to hear that it didn’t take.

  I don’t think I’m prepared for that.

  Pushing the double doors open, I enter For the Love of Paws. Parker had an early meeting and left before me this morning. It’s my second day back working here and everyone has been welcoming.

  When I reach Shannon’s desk, she’s laughing. “Somebody’s in trouble,” she sings as she staples some papers together, not looking at me.

  “Excuse me?”

  She nods toward Parker’s office.

  Confused, I set my purse down and walk to Parker’s office.

  The clinic is split into two. The left half is the regular clinic and the right half is the emergency clinic where there are three exam rooms and two procedure rooms. With the expansion came new staff, who I get along with well.

  Parker’s office is my favorite in the entire building. I helped him pick out all the furniture and artwork. He even had a built-in bookshelf and a comfortable couch put in for me so I’d never have a reason not to visit.

  His office door is slightly ajar and I can hear him talking. “Yes, that’s perfect. Yeah, that would be great, and don’t forget to—. Okay, good.”

  Knocking softly, I push open the door to find Parker sitting in his big black leather chair behind his almost-too-large-for-the-room cherry wood desk. He motions me in.

  “Hey, I don’t mean to cut this short, but Aundrea just walked in,” he says. “Just let me know what I owe you. Thanks. You too, bye.” Hanging up, he stands and walks over. “Good morning.”

  “Hi.”

  He pulls me into his arms before I can even ask how he’s doing. He kisses the top of my head, then releases me.

  “You do know you’re late, correct?” He looks at his watch. “Start time is 8am, Mrs. Jackson. You’re twenty-five minutes late.” His face is stern, with no signs that he’s joking, and I laugh internally.

  I pout. “I’m sorry, Dr. Jackson. Please don’t write me up.”

  Leaning down, his lips brush along the shell of my ear. “I’m not going to write you up; however, I don’t have a problem with showing you a little discipline.” I suck in a sharp breath. His eyes dart over my shoulder and he quickly steps away. “Now, get to work. I expect my employees to start on time.” His words come out annoyed and I can only laugh at his bossy behavior.

  As I turn to walk away I hear him say softly, “We’ll discuss your discipline later, when we’re at home.” I look over my shoulder to see his wicked grin.

  Shannon shakes her head when I see her. “I tried to warn you.”

  “I’m not worried. That man has nothing on me.” I take my seat behind the desk next to her. She laughs.

  My computer isn’t even turned on when my cell starts to ring with the new Sia song that Genna set as my ringtone. I fumble with my phone, trying to silence it. I’m about to put it back in my purse when I notice the name displayed across the front.

  “Wendy, hi! How are you?”

  Shannon’s head snaps to me. I guess that was a little loud. I mouth “Sorry,” and turn my focus back to Wendy.

  “Hi. I hope it’s not too early to call you?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Okay, good.” I hear the relief in her voice. “Are you two settled into the new house yet?”

  “We closed yesterday and are moving in this week.”

  “Awesome!” She makes some sm
all talk, and I’m trying to reciprocate, but I can feel the sweat forming under my arms. I hate small talk. I want to press her about the baby.

  “Is everything okay with you?” I ask.

  “Everything’s good. The reason I’m calling is because I took a pregnancy test.”

  Really? You’re going to stop there and leave me hanging? “And?” I sit up taller.

  “It was positive.”

  Once the words leave her mouth I can’t speak. I wait for something to come out, but nothing does.

  “Hello? Are you still there?”

  “Positive!” I scream.

  Shannon jerks, sending papers sliding off her desk. An exam room door opens and Kevin pops his head out. “Everything okay out here?”

  “Yes, sorry!” I wave him off, grinning.

  “Yes,” Wendy whispers. A small sniffle comes through the line. “I wanted to let you know that you’re going to be a mom.” Her voice cracks on the last word.

  My lip begins to tremble and tears fill my eyes, then slide down my cheeks. Shannon’s watching me intently and I can sense she knows what’s going on.

  We’re going to have a baby.

  I want this more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life. Something I didn’t think I’d ever truly get to experience is happening. I knew I wanted a baby, but hearing Wendy tell me I’m going to be a mom is one of the best, most surreal moments of my life, and I don’t know how I ever questioned that this was the right time. I know how Genna felt when she found out she was pregnant with Hannah, and how excited I was for her, but to actually experience that feeling myself is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced or witnessed.

  Wendy’s crying a little, but she says, “I’m so happy for you two.”

  “Thank you so much, Wendy. For everything. You don’t know how much this meant to me. To us. I will forever be grateful for what you’re giving Parker and me. You’ve just given us the best news imaginable.” I end the call after making plans for us to get together soon.

  Shannon starts speaking a mile a minute. Everything comes out so fast all I can make out is, “Congratulations.”