What's Left of Us

  My stress turns into excitement when we pull into the parking lot and Parker stretches his legs, grinning at me from behind his Ray Bans. I’m so excited for this appointment.

  My yellow sundress blows in the wind as we walk side by side, our fingers locked together. We don’t say a word as we enter the building.

  Wendy’s already in the lobby and she stands when she sees us. She’s wearing a tight tank top and, to the average person, she wouldn’t look like she’s pregnant, but to me, it’s clear as day. Her once-flat stomach has a little more shape to it, and it’s an amazing feeling to know it’s our baby inside of her. Up until now, it hasn’t seemed real. It’s easy to forget that we’re expecting a child when we have nothing to see each day.

  “Hey, you two!” Wendy beams. She’s glowing. Her smile is bright and stunning.

  “Hi.” I have an urge to reach out and touch her stomach, but don’t want to seem creepy.

  “Hey, how are you feeling?” Parker asks. I can tell by the way he clutches his fingers that he has the same urge as me.

  “Great! It’s crazy because I haven’t had any morning sickness with this pregnancy. If it weren’t for starting to show, I wouldn’t even know I was pregnant!”

  “You look fantastic, Wendy,” I say.

  Wendy hugs Parker and me. Before we even sit down, her name is called.

  “Wendy Henderson?”

  The nurse looks momentarily surprised that there are three of us, but I’m sure she’s dealt with surrogates before.

  In the exam room, the nurse takes Wendy’s vitals, then leaves us alone.

  Wendy’s sitting on the exam table with her ankles crossed when Parker asks, “Are you sure it’s okay I’m here?” I can tell he’s nervous because he’s running a hand through his hair, and I giggle. Parker’s not easily bashful, but apparently all it takes is taking another woman to a doctor’s appointment. I find this shy side of him sexy.

  Wendy grins. “Of course, Parker. Don’t be silly. I want the two of you to be very much involved in this entire process. Trust me.”

  We’re soon interrupted by a light knock on the door.

  “Well, good afternoon!” The doctor says. I glance at my watch. This has to be the shortest time I’ve ever waited to see a doctor. Like, Guinness Book of World Records book short.

  Parker and I both sit up straight and I shake the doctor’s hand.

  Dr. Martin is older, maybe in his early fifties, and tall. He seems nice and the way he jokes around puts me at ease. He was the doctor who did the implantation and all three of us agreed to continue seeing him. He makes us all feel comfortable.

  “All right, we’re at ten weeks,” Dr. Martin says. Since learning of her pregnancy every day has flown by. It’s hard to believe it’s already August.

  “Let’s find a heartbeat, shall we?”

  As Wendy lies back, Parker wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me closer.

  “You can hear it this early?” I ask, amazed. I’d looked online and ten weeks is about the size of kumquat. Tiny.

  “Ten weeks is the earliest you can. Now, the fetus is pretty low at this stage, so I’ll need you to lower your pants a little more for me.”

  Parker looks away at first, but the second the loud, racing thumps from the fetal Doppler begin, he looks back. His hold on me tightens. We’re both staring at Wendy’s stomach in awe.

  “Is that really …” I know it is, but hearing it still shocks me. I think my own heart just burst.

  “Sure is. Strong, too,” Dr. Martin says.

  “That’s amazing,” Parker stammers.

  “Is it supposed to be that fast?” I ask, looking at the doctor. I have no idea what’s normal, but the Doppler is showing well over 160 beats per minute, and I know an adult heart can’t function at that speed.

  “Yes, babe. It’s perfect,” Parker answers, taking my hand and giving my palm a lingering kiss.

  It’s magical that something so tiny can produce such a strong sound. Tears of happiness sting my eyes. This is probably the best sound I’ve ever heard. That little heart is beating because of us. The thumps grow stronger and I swallow the lump in my throat.

  Parker and I look at Wendy and then each other. No words are needed. We can see it on our faces. This bond will connect us forever.

  Our baby.

  “Hey, Parker?” Jason says, pushing open my office door. “You ready?”

  “Yeah, I’ll meet you there.” We agreed to have a men’s taco poker night. It’s been a while since the guys have gotten together to drink beer, eat tacos, and play cards. Since the girls are having dinner and going to the movies, it seemed like the perfect opportunity.

  I arrive at Jason’s just before six to find Kevin and Jason at the kitchen table with two men I’ve never met and Hannah in her bouncy chair, playing quietly. Sometimes I wonder if people even know Jason and Genna have a baby, because she’s always so content, happy, and quiet.

  “Hey, Parker! Grab a beer and pull up a seat. This is Rob and Tony. They live a few houses down from me,” Kevin slurs. Clearly, he didn’t work today and got a head start on the beers.

  “Hey guys. Nice to meet you.” I take a Bud Light out of the fridge and sit down.

  “You too,” they say. They’re about my age: early thirties.

  “And, you know Brandon,” Jason says, taking his seat.

  I give Brandon a handshake. “How are you?”

  “Doing well, man. Thanks.”

  “Okay, ladies. You going to sit and talk or play some poker?” Kevin grumbles playfully. “You’re going to need to bring your game if we want to force Jackson to trade in that fancy car of his for a minivan.”

  “Let me be clear right now,” I say. “I will not be driving a minivan. Not now or in the future. Never. The FRS is capable of holding a car seat just fine. Besides, Aundrea has her Outlander for the family vehicle.”

  Jason starts laughing.

  “What?” I ask, glaring at him.

  “I said the same thing. But little did I know that Genna had other plans and traded her G6 in for a damn van. I swore I’d never be caught driving one of those.”

  “Trust me when I tell you, I won’t be driving a van. Besides, you’re whipped,” I taunt.

  “Whipped?” Jason looks shocked.

  “Yeah, pussy whipped!” Kevin agrees, laughing.

  Tony and Rob start laughing, too, but then Tony says that he and his fiancée have a van for their two kids and they actually love it. He goes on and on about the room it has and how smoothly it drives.

  This does nothing to convince me.

  “As much as I love talking about cars, I hate talking about minivans. Let’s get back to playing some poker,” I say. I’m ready to take these guys to the cleaners.

  Sometime in the middle of our game, after Rob, Brandon and Kevin are out, Jason puts Hannah to bed. I check my phone to see if I have a text from Aundrea and, since I don’t, I decide to send her one.

  Me: How’s ladies night going?

  The Wife: Hey, you. It’s going good! The movie just let out. We’re thinking of going to get some drinks. There’s a bar here doing happy hour until 11.

  Me: Sounds fun. May I suggest getting really drunk so I can take advantage of you later?

  The Wife: No need to take advantage, handsome. I’m more than willing.

  Me: In that case, get ready.

  The Wife: Will do. How’s poker?

  Me: Good. Down to Jason, the new guy, and myself. I’m about to take them for everything they’ve got.

  The Wife: Good, Momma needs a new pair of shoes!!

  I chuckle at her comment. She’s not a shoe girl. Sending her one last text, I put my phone away.

  “What? We’re talking to our women now on guy’s night?” Kevin teases.

  “Just wait until Jean moves in. If you don’t check in with her, she’ll be all over your ass.”

  “Nah. Jean’s not like that. That’s why I love her. She doesn’t care what I do.”


  “Dude, that’s because you don’t live together. It’s not affecting her at all,” Jason insists.

  “Shit,” Kevin mumbles.

  I laugh, but immediately cringe when my eyes meet Brandon’s. He’s smiling faintly, but his eyes are hard. I wasn’t thinking how difficult it could be for him to hear us joking around like this, fronting like our lovers are a hardship instead of a blessing.

  “What is going on with the moving in together situation, anyway?” Tony asks.

  “Nothing. She vetoed that. She likes how things are.” Kevin runs his hand along his jaw. “I hate to admit this … and don’t any of you fuckers laugh.” He downs his beer. “I feel like I’m the damn woman in this relationship! I practically begged her to move in with me and she turned me down. I even said I love you first.”

  “And you said I’m pussy whipped? Man, you’re so much more than I am!” Jason shouts, laughing.

  Even Brandon smiles at that.

  I kind of feel bad for the Kevin. I can tell how much he loves Jean and wants to be with her. I can even see that Jean cares for Kevin, but I know from Aundrea that Jean isn’t a woman to change her life for a man.

  “All in due time. She’s young; remember that,” I say. I think he forgets sometimes that he’s thirty-two and she’s only twenty-four.

  “Aundrea’s young and look at you two; married and shit, with a baby on the way.”

  “Like you said, Jean’s different.”

  We finish the game. I don’t win, but I come in second, which is still a chunk of change.

  “All right, guys. It’s been fun, but I’m out of here.”

  “Me too,” Brandon adds, standing up.

  “You going to go poke Aundrea’s taco? Get it? Taco poker night? Poke her taco?” Kevin laughs at his own joke and I can only manage to shake my head and shrug apologetically at Brandon, who waves it off, laughing.

  Jason smacks the back of Kevin’s head, and Rob and Tony laugh with him.

  Brandon and I don’t wait to say goodbye. We walk out to our cars together, in silence.

  I’m not sure what to say. We haven’t spoken since the funeral. Aundrea called him a couple times, inviting him and Ethan over but he’s yet to come by.

  “It’s been fun,” Brandon says.

  “Yeah, it was. Listen, if you’re free and want to come by again, we’d like that.”

  “I would too. I don’t get out much, lately.”

  “How are you doing?”

  Leaning against his car, he scrubs his hands over his face. “It’s been hard.”

  “You and Ethan are welcome over any time.”

  “I know that, thanks. We’re just trying to figure things out … the two of us. Ethan’s taken it a lot harder than I thought he would. I guess I really didn’t know how he would take it. He cries every night for her.” His words sound strangled. “I can get through my pain, but I didn’t think how difficult it would be to take away his.”

  I don’t know what to say to that. How do you take away the pain of a child who lost their mother? Will time make it better?

  “I gave him a picture of her. He said it’s not the same. I know where he’s coming from, but I can only hope it helps.”

  “It does. Even if he doesn’t say it, it does.”

  He nods.

  “How are you doing?” He hasn’t really mentioned if he’s okay. He looks it, but I want to make sure he is.

  “Each day gets better. They say time heals all wounds. I believe that. I miss her smell the most. I didn’t think about how much I would miss that until she was gone.” He sighs heavily, looking over my shoulder. “I better get going.”

  He closes his eyes, not looking at my nod of understanding.

  “See you.”

  He gets into his car and says through the window, “Talk to you soon, Parker.”

  I drive home at the slowest speed I have ever driven.

  Aundrea’s already asleep, her hair slightly damp from a shower.

  I crawl into the warm sheets and pull her against me, taking in her scent. I hope to never forget this smell. Pears and honey. My favorite smell in the entire world.

  Breathing her in, I drift off to sleep.

  “Breathe!” I scream, looking down at her face. She jerks with each movement.

  19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26

  Come on, Aundrea! Breathe!”

  I jolt awake. I’m covered in cold sweat and tears are streaming down my face, but when I roll over Aundrea is still sleeping peacefully.

  I rub my hand over my face, as if I could scrub the visions away. I need them to be gone. I can’t stand the thought of Aundrea’s lifeless body. My hands tremble as the memories wash over me again.

  I grunt in annoyance and frustration as I focus on the woman sleeping before me. I listen to her breathe and pull her back against my chest, so I can feel her warmth against me. I need her warmth.

  Fuck, why are they starting again? It’s been a while since I’ve had that dream. They started when I learned of Aundrea’s heart condition, but stopped after a few months.

  Nothing comes into mind except …

  Fuck.

  My conversation with Brandon.

  This damned dream has brought out the one thing I try to keep hidden. It’s the only thing in my life I’m not proud of. Even though Aundrea’s cancer free, it terrifies me that her cardiomyopathy could take her at any moment. No matter how many appointments I go to, test results I see, or pills I watch her take every morning, it’s a thought I just can’t shake. I’d do anything for this woman. Anything. But there’s nothing I can do about her condition.

  I close my eyes, trying my best to leave the nightmare behind. But it’s difficult to leave something so haunting … so terrifying, behind you.

  I hate that in the dream I can’t protect her. I can’t save her.

  Even though I vowed that I would.

  I hate that dream.

  “Parker?” Aundrea’s voice is like sunshine breaking through the dark cloud of thoughts.

  “I’m okay.”

  “No, you’re not. You’re soaking wet. Come here. You’re okay, shh,” she whispers, running her fingers through my hair. I like when she comforts me; I just hate that I need it.

  Throwing the drenched sheets off me, I pull Aundrea onto my chest, so she’s lying flat against me. I can’t get her close enough.

  “Stop,” she whispers in my ear.

  I take in the alluring scent of fresh shampoo from our shower last night mixed with a hint of coconut from her lotion.

  “Stop what?” I ask, drawing circles on her smooth bare back.

  “Thinking about it.”

  I close my eyes tightly, forcing myself to stay here, in this moment.

  She lays her head on my shoulder and wraps her arms around my waist, hugging me. Softly, she says, “What do I need to do, or say, to make you understand that I’m not going to leave you?”

  I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I don’t know, Aundrea. I believe you, but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that one day I’m going to wake up, and you won’t be here. That I’ll be forced to face the world without you, and I can’t do that. I’ve never been more afraid of anything in my life.”

  I think of Brandon. How he looked. The pain in his eyes when he spoke of Ethan. It breaks me.

  She looks down at me. Tips of her blonde hair brush my face and I shiver. “Remember when you told me you saw my future?”

  I nod.

  “Well, I see it too. I am your future Parker. This”—she gestures between us—“is real. We’re real. Not that dream. I took a vow, ‘From here through eternity, for death will not separate us.’ Death will not take me away from you, Parker. I won’t let it.”

  Swallowing hard, I take her face between my hands, pulling her toward me until our lips almost touch.

  “There is no life if it’s not a life with you,” I whisper against her mouth before giving her the lightest of kisses. I tug her hair gently a
s I deepen the kiss. I need to feel her touch.

  Her existence.

  Her love.

  I wrap her in my arms and roll her beneath me. I run my hands up and down her arms until I feel her goosebumps. She watches me intently as I reach for the bottom of her shirt and lift it up over her head.

  Our mouths join almost immediately, slow and sensual, as our hands roam. We undress one another, never breaking apart. We take our time, enjoying every moment.

  When I enter her, her hands find mine and we lock eyes.

  “I love you so much, Aundrea.”

  “Ditto.”

  Slowly we begin to move in an effortless dance.

  I make love to my wife, showing her just how much I need her.

  Aundrea’s not back when I get home just after seven the following evening. I had an emergency walk-in, so I let her know I’d be late. She texted me back immediately saying she was going out with Shannon and would see me when she got back.

  When eight o’clock hits I lie down on the couch to catch up on some TV, but instead drift off to sleep.

  “Come on, Aundrea! Breathe!”

  27, 28, 29, 30

  Breathe.

  Breathe.

  “Come on, baby. Come on!” I scream so loud that I jolt myself awake.

  What the fuck is happening?

  I look around our empty living room, the TV screen black. I fell asleep. The clock reads 9:03pm.

  The temperature has dropped, and I’m shivering. The room feels empty without Aundrea here, as if her absence has sucked away all the life. I know this feeling.

  And I hate it.

  Hesitating, I sit up. I know I don’t want to go back to sleep. There’s no point in trying. Not right now.

  Not without her here. I know what will happen the second I drift off. My head begins to feel heavy and my throat feels tight at the thought of that dream.

  I look at my phone. One missed call and one text from Aundrea from about twenty minutes ago.