What's Left of Us

  “Hello, Aundrea. Thanks for calling back,” Polly says politely.

  “No problem. Sorry I missed your calls. Is everything okay?”

  “No worries, and yes, everything’s fine. I wanted to catch you because we’ve found you a potential match.”

  Say again.

  I fall onto the couch, stunned.

  “Um … uh … excuse me?”

  “I know this is a big surprise. Trust me, I’m equally surprised, but we had a surrogate whose contract ended up falling through early this morning. I want to be clear: it was nothing on her end. She’s great and quite sad about the contract ending. The intended parents decided to wait a while longer.”

  “Um …”

  “The thing is, Aundrea, she’s ready to go. Her implantation was set to take place next Friday. She’s started on the drugs to prepare her uterus and if we miss that window, you’ll have to wait another month. Of course, that’s fine, too. But if you and Parker are interested in next Friday, we’d have to move fast.”

  “Um …” Wow. “Wait, aren’t there, like, other families ahead of us, waiting?” As much as I want this to be for us, I also can’t help but wonder about all the other families that signed up before us.

  “Yes, of course, but we work with locations and compatibility. We have IPs—intended parents—that come to us from all over the state requesting surrogates in different locations, but the surrogates also have a desired location. We have many families, but none that currently match Wendy’s profile. She’s in St. Paul, requesting to be with a family within one hundred miles. That’s you and Parker.”

  “Oh, wow.”

  “I know this is a lot sooner than discussed, but she’s the one, Aundrea. She’s the match for you and Parker. As I said, though, I understand that you two may want to wait a while. I know you were expecting longer to prepare.”

  Wait a while? I don’t think that’s an option for us.

  “No! Just give me a minute, please. I need to talk to Parker.” I can’t pass this opportunity up. At least, not without talking to Parker. Shit, is it hot in here? It’s hot in here.

  I fan myself with my hand. When that does nothing, I take a throw pillow from the couch and use it as a fan.

  The room starts spinning. Or, maybe it’s my head. I can’t be sure. This is happening so much faster than we’d anticipated.

  “I understand. Why don’t you call me in the morning and let me know what your thoughts are? If you want to proceed, I’ll set up a meeting with Wendy. If you want to wait a while longer, that’s okay too. I’ll be here until noon.”

  “No … um, I don’t think we want to wait.” Do we? “I’ll talk to Parker and call you right back.”

  We hang up and I can’t move.

  “Aundrea?” Parker asks concerned. “You okay?”

  I will my brain to send a signal to my mouth to speak, but it doesn’t work. I’m still too shocked. My fingers begin to shake.

  He sits next to me. “Babe?”

  Turning a little, I meet his worried gaze. Behind him is an alarmed Genna.

  “They found us a match.” It comes out as barely a whisper.

  “I’m sorry? What?”

  “Circle of Life,” I say louder, clearing my throat.

  Parker breathes a sigh of relief next to me. “You mean?”

  “Yeah. She’s ready to go. Next Friday. I guess her contract with the intended parents fell through and we’re a match. Polly wants to know if we want to proceed now, or wait a month ... or longer, if we’re not ready.”

  “I don’t want to wait.”

  “I don’t think …” Fuck, spit it out! “I don’t think I want to wait either.” It’s the truth. As fast as this happening, I don’t want to put it off. “Let’s set up the appointment to meet her.”

  Holy shit!

  “When did she say we could meet her?”

  “She said she’d call her in the morning and set something up once we told her our decision.”

  He takes my phone.

  “What are you doing?”

  “We don’t want to wait, right?”

  “Right.”

  “Then I’m calling her back and telling her to set up the appointment. We’ll make it work.”

  I don’t even hear what Parker says to Polly.

  I feel weightless. A tingling sensation begins to creep over me and I can’t be sure if this is a dream or reality. Thinking about Parker and me having a baby brings such a feeling of wholeness. It’s as if everything around me has come to a halt and nothing else matters. It’s the one dream I’ve never thought could be possible, and it’s simply astonishing that I’ve found someone who wants to give me that dream.

  “We meet her Thursday,” Parker says calmly, ending the call.

  Someone else in the room sighs with relief. Genna’s standing next to the couch, her eyes closed and her lips quivering.

  I forgot she was even here.

  When she opens her eyes and looks down at me there are tears trailing down her cheeks. Her eyes are soft. “Dre …” She trails off. But she doesn’t need to finish. I know what her unspoken words are.

  My bottom lip quivers as I try to hold back my own tears.

  “We’re going to have a baby!” Parker says, scooping me up and pulling me into his lap. “That was fast.”

  “I know.”

  “This is happening, Aundrea.”

  “I know.” You’d think I could come up with something better to say.

  I wrap my arms around his neck. “Parker, this means if it all works out we’re doing the implantation in a week.”

  “We’ll do it. We’ll make it work. Whatever we have to do, come up with, sign, we’ll do it. There’s no question, babe.”

  My eyes shift over his shoulder to see Amy standing off to the side. She doesn’t say anything, but her presence gives me all the reassurance I need.

  I tuck my face into the crook of Parker’s neck. Whatever we have to do.

  As long as we do it together.

  Love illuminates life. There are different kinds of love, and only a select few are fortunate enough to experience every kind. I’ve been told there is no other love like the love a mother has for her child. It’s deep, instant, and can never be broken. I knew if there was going to be anyone more excited about Parker and me having a baby than we were, it would be my mom.

  I was going to hold back from telling her at least until we met with Wendy later today, I’m too excited when she calls.

  “I—I don’t understand. What do you mean?”

  “We’re having a baby, Mom.”

  “No, I get that. But … how?”

  I laugh. “A surrogate.”

  She’s silent.

  “Are you still there?”

  “Yes, sorry. I’m … shocked, that’s all.”

  “In a good way?”

  “Yes! Yes, of course, honey. I just didn’t know you two were considering the idea, that’s all.”

  “Well, Parker brought it up and, after a lot of thought, we decided we’re ready.”

  “Are you?”

  Come again? “Huh?”

  “Sorry, what I mean is, with everything else that’s going on? I want you to have a baby, Dre, don’t get me wrong. I want you to have everything. I just … I guess I need confirmation that you’re okay. That everything is going well with the routine visits, and that, from a health standpoint, you’re okay to have a baby right now.”

  I take a deep breath and slowly exhale. “There’s no need to worry.”

  “I’m your mother. It’s my job to worry. I just want to be sure that your heart can handle the stress right now.”

  “Stress?”

  “With a new house, graduation coming up, starting the new job. Add a newborn and money into that equation and it can be stressful.”

  My heart stops. I can feel it shutting down slowly. I feel a sharp pain, as if her hand reached through the line into my chest and is squeezing my heart.

  Brea
the, Aundrea. Breathe.

  Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale.

  Why does everything in my life have to come back to my health? Why does everything I do have to come with a constant reminder of my past, even at a happy time like this?

  I try not to think about my past often. I take three pills daily for my cardiomyopathy, see Dr. James every three months, and have routine EKGs, echocardiograms, and any other imaging or bloodwork he feels is necessary. I also meet with my oncologist, Dr. Olson, every four months for a routine checkup, which won’t stop until I’m put into remission in two years, and have routine labs for her necessary tests.

  Everything is going fine.

  “Mom, my health is under control. Really, there’s no need to worry. Parker and I’ve discussed this and we’re ready. I’m ready. I’m doing well and there is nothing holding us back.”

  “I know, honey. I only worry for you. I want nothing but the best for you two.” Her voice cracks slightly.

  I smile. “I know, Mom. Trust me when I tell you everything will be okay. It always works out.”

  “I know, bu—”

  My phone beeps and I see that Amy’s calling. “Mom, I have to let you go. I’ll call you this week, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Hey,” I answer as I switch calls.

  “Uh oh, what’s the matter?” Amy asks.

  “You saved me from my mother.”

  “Oh, man. Mothers.” Her tone is sarcastic, but light. “What’s the matter?”

  “I told her about finding a surrogate.”

  “Yeah?”

  “And she’s concerned about the stress and timing of everything. I told her she doesn’t have to worry and everything is okay, but, you know …”

  “Dre, she’s just concerned for you. She’s your mother and she wants what’s best.”

  “I know. It’s … it’s just that I was so excited to tell her. She’s happy for us; I believe that. I know she wants me to have everything in life. But then she hit me with …”

  “Reality.”

  “Kind of. Yeah.”

  “I get it. But, Dre, I’m a mom. Moms will always worry. We’ll always have our child’s best interest at heart. She’s just making sure you two have thought this through. Trust me, she was probably like this with Genna too.”

  We both laugh. “You’re probably right. Actually, I remember the conversation between Genna and my mom when she told her about the kitchen remodel. My mom didn’t understand why she and Jason would consider that while she was still pregnant.”

  “See? She’s only doing her job.” Thank goodness for Amy.

  “Thank you.”

  “Any time.”

  “Now, what’s up with you?”

  “I’ve been meaning to tell you: with the end of the school year coming, I’ve taken on some volunteering at Ethan’s school, for their summer programs.”

  “Cool!”

  “Yeah, Ethan’s really excited that I’ll get to spend more time with him, but that means my volunteering at Mayo will have to fluctuate.”

  “Oh …”

  “I know. I’m not sure what my days will be at the school, so I’m not sure if we’ll be together some weeks.”

  “It’s okay. I understand.”

  “I was looking forward to more time with you before your job starts.”

  “Amy, honestly, it’s okay. Family first. Isn’t that what you always say? Seriously, don’t worry about it. It’s not like we won’t see each other.”

  “You’re an angel. Coffee soon?”

  “Wouldn’t miss it.”

  Parker walks over to me indicating we have to go. We say our goodbyes and pick a time to meet up.

  “You ready?” he asks, wrapping his arm around my waist and kissing my temple.

  “I was born ready.”

  “Then let’s go meet the woman who’s going to help bring our child into the world.”

  I’ve lived a life that would make anyone afraid. Afraid of life, love—even hope. There is nothing I’ve faced that I didn’t think I could overcome. Until now …

  When we cross into the city, nausea washes over me, settling into the pit of my stomach. The restaurant isn’t too far into St. Paul and the second it comes into view I feel as if I’m going to throw up. My hands are clammy and I’m starting to sweat. Running my fingers through my hair, I try to brush away the uneasy feeling that is taking over.

  I’ve been nervous more times than I can count, but nothing like the feeling I have now. I’m afraid of disappointing the person who matters more to me than life itself. If there were ever a time to make a good first impression, this is it. This is the moment that could decide our future. That means it’s also the moment that could push our happy ending further away.

  When we pull into the parking spot we both remain silent. Parker’s hands clutch the steering wheel, knuckles turning white.

  I rest one hand on top of his. His grip loosens, but he doesn’t look at me.

  I flip down the visor to glance in the mirror. Suddenly, I feel like my eye make-up is too dark, my foundation is too thick, and my blush is too bright.

  “You look great, Aundrea,” Parker says, facing me.

  I give him a weak smile. “Thanks, but I think I went a little overboard.”

  “Nonsense. You look amazing, as always. She’s going to love you.”

  “Us. She’s going to love us,” I correct. I pray that I like her too. I’m terrified our personalities won’t click, and we’ll decide we’re not a good match.

  “Ready?” Parker asks.

  My hand stays on top of his.

  “What if it doesn’t work out?” I choke.

  “Aundrea, I won’t stop until we have a baby in our arms. If this match doesn’t work, there will be another one. I assure you.”

  I nod. I need the reassurance. I just want this to work out. Slowly, I get out of the car, trying to keep myself together. Meeting Parker at the front of the car, I wrap my arm around his waist as we walk toward the front door. I take slow, deep breaths, trying to control my nerves. My dress feels too short all of a sudden. I knew I should have gone with the longer one.

  “Stop fidgeting.”

  “I shouldn’t have worn this. It’s too short, and cut a little low. My boobs are practically bursting out.”

  Parker looks down at my cleavage. “Nope, looks great.” He winks, then waggles his eyebrows.

  I roll my eyes. “You’re such a man.”

  “Last I checked.”

  Chuckling, I push into his side playfully. I like that he can make light of the moment, sensing my nervousness.

  “I’m serious, Parker.”

  “So am I.”

  “No, I mean it. I want to look good. I don’t want her to think I’m trashy.”

  Parker stops mid-stride. He tilts my chin up so I’m looking directly at him. “Listen to me. You do not look trashy. You’re beautiful. The dress was a perfect choice, and your make-up looks great.”

  “Thank you.”

  He gives me another wink before taking my hand back into his.

  “And for the record, I can’t wait to get you home, flip up your dress, and bury myself deep inside of you.”

  “Parker!”

  He shrugs, smiling. “What? It’s the truth.”

  “I can’t believe you’re thinking about sex right now when we’re about to meet the woman who’s potentially going to be carrying our child.”

  “Honey, I’m always thinking about sex with you. Besides, I’m trying to calm you down so you stop fidgeting,” he whispers as we walk through the door.

  “I’m not,” I hiss back.

  I’m totally fidgeting. I can’t stop fiddling with my dress, rolling the fabric between my fingers. I start rocking side to side as we wait for the hostess. No matter what I try, I can’t stay still.

  When she returns, Parker explains that we’re meeting someone and gives her Wendy’s name. She walks us toward the back of the restaurant.

>   My heart quickens, seeming to beat twice as fast as it did a second ago. My breathing slows down, and I’m pretty sure I can’t hear anything around me except the pulse throbbing in my neck. It’s almost like being in a slow motion scene in The Matrix. I can see people’s mouths moving, but can’t hear anything.

  Fortunately, by the time we reach a small table in the back, my hearing cuts in. “Here you are,” the hostess says, leaving Parker and me standing awkwardly in front of two strangers.

  “Hi!” the woman practically yells, standing. “I’m Wendy.” She holds out her hand. “This is my husband Ron.”

  She’s of medium height and doesn’t look older than thirty. Her light golden hair is pulled back into a ponytail and her bangs have a slight curl. She’s very pretty and her husband is equally attractive.

  Parker shakes hands with her and Ron, introducing himself, then me. “Hello,” I manage to get out, shaking her cold hand.

  “Please, sit down.” She gives us a reassuring smile.

  I take the inside seat, resting my knee against the wall in an attempt to keep it from bouncing.

  “So, Wendy, what do you do for work?” Parker asks.

  I’m glad he breaks the ice first; I’m not sure I can speak.

  “I’m a nurse.”

  Ron gives a proud smile.

  “Wow, that’s awesome,” I say, finding my voice.

  “Thanks.” She beams. “I love it.”

  “How long have you been doing that?” Parker inquires.

  “About six years now. I work in orthopedics. What do you two do?”

  “I’m a veterinarian.”

  “And I’m graduating college in a few weeks.” I feel a little awkward saying that—being twenty-four and discussing having a baby when I’m still in school.

  “Starting in September, Aundrea will be working in astrophysics.”

  “That’s awesome; congrats.”

  “Thank you.”

  Our waitress comes over and we tell her we need a minute to look over the menu, but none of us do. No one speaks. We stare awkwardly at one another, waiting for someone to make the first move.

  Ron clears his throat and Wendy must take that as her cue to keep the conversation going.

  “Is that how you two met? Through the clinic?” she asks.