Midnight Flight

  I didn't say anything about all this to either Teal or Robin, and certainly I wouldn't have said anything to Mindy or Gia. It saddened me to realize that no one could be trusted even after all this time together, that we were all so beaten down and defeated that they might betray me as quickly as I might betray them. In the end we will have no place to go and no one else to turn to but Dr. Foreman. I thought. It was almost as if I could feel two large hands molding us into forms the way we had molded our ceramic dishes and bowls.

  There was truly no other escape but Natani's tortoise shell, whatever that was I would either get up the courage to sneak out of the barn tonight and go to his hogan. or I would continue to be the desert rat and pace and worry until Dr. Foreman, like the buzzard, plucked the soul out of me and turned me into one of her famous Foreman girls. That had been Gia's prediction for me, but ironically, it was turning out to be a prediction she should have made for herself. We were all closing up, but not in the sort of shell Natani had described. We had met as strangers and we were returning to being strangers.

  These days the buddies didn't have to enforce the no-talking rule when they wanted it to be enforced. We all ate quietly at dinner after mumbling thank-yous to each other, chewing mindlessly, staring at nothing. Mindy was the occasional exception. She had the most nervous energy. I thought. The silence appeared to heighten it. Her eyes darted about as if she was expecting something terrible to occur or someone to yell at her. She nearly dropped a plate during cleanup and turned white with fear for a moment. Was Dr. Foreman right about her? Was she regressing, becoming worse instead of better each day?

  After we ate dinner, we did at least help each other with the school assignments, but that was still for selfish reasons. No one wanted to earn any more demerits. Our grades were all passing and even the buddies had to admit we were doing well on that score. This was still Gia's doing. She seemed alive actually only when it came to schoolwork, and I began to feel sorry for her, sorry that she wasn't at a real school because she seemed to enjoy studying. reading. It was the only time now that we heard any excitement in her voice, saw any brightness in her eyes. She might even make a good teacher someday. I thought, a real teacher with students who were interested and cared.

  Funny how memories of school suddenly became desirable. I had hated it so much when I was there, or at least. I thought I had. Now when I recalled the chatter, the excitement, even the classes. I felt a longing I hadn't thought I would ever feel. This was in no way like the school I had known and abused.

  This particular evening, after dinner, we had only a little schoolwork in comparison to what we had been given beforehand nightly. It left us with some free time, and to the surprise of us all. M'Lady Two showed up with a half dozen relatively recent magazines popular with teenagers.

  "Dr. Foreman says you all deserve some foolish and wasteful reading. You can share these among you.- She dropped the magazines at her feet.

  Teal started eagerly for the pile, moving like a starving person toward food. but Gia stopped her with "Don't touch them!" She said it with such hysteria. Teal practically jumped back.

  "What? Why not?" She looked at the pile. "What's on them?"

  "In them," Gia whispered. "It's what's in them." She stared at them, then looked up at all of us. "Subliminal messages," she muttered.

  "Huh?" Robin said, scrunching her nose. "What's that?"

  "It's a secret way to get you to think what she wants you to think." Gia said.

  Robin pulled her head back and looked at Teal. who shook hers and shrugged. Mindy didn't move, didn't speak.

  "We don't understand. Gia," I said. -.How can she put something in a magazine secretly?"

  "She can! It's like you go to the movies and they stick a few frames of popcorn in the movie. It flashes by too fast for you to realize it, but you suddenly want to get up and get popcorn."

  "You're crazy," Robin said.

  "It's a proven thing. I read about it," Gia said.

  "So she gets me to eat popcorn. Big deal," Rabin told her, moving to the magazines.

  "That's just an example. She'll get you to do something else. She never does anything, gives you anything, unless it helps her control you, change you."

  "You're a paranoid." Robin picked up the magazine she wanted and looked at Gia. "When are you going to learn? Adults always get us to do what they want one way or another. You're the one who taught me that." Robin looked at Teal, who moved to the magazines next. Mindy shrugged and did the same. Gia looked at me and shook her head in pity. Her warning got me thinking.

  Dr. Foreman had given me a magazine and told me I wasn't permitted to let any of them read it. Was there something in it specifically for me., something that made me do what she wanted? Maybe there was. Maybe Gia wasn't as crazy as they thought, at least when it came to this.

  I turned away from the pile without taking any magazine.

  "You're not taking a magazine? You believe her nonsense?" Robin cried, amazed.

  "I'm just not interested in any of the

  magazines."

  "That's bull, You took one from her already. Now, because of what Gia's saying, you're afraid," Robin said, smiling. "Gia has you afraid."

  "So. I'm afraid. Think what you like. I stopped caring about what any of you think about me," I said. "Just like you stopped caring about what any of us think about you."

  I went to my cot to lie dawn. Robin and Teal thumbed through the magazines excitedly, talking about the clothing styles, the new television shows, the movies they were missing. They moaned over this dreamy young male actor or that. They did it all with exaggeration to make me jealous.

  Teal began to describe some of the wonderful things she had at home and Robin talked about her music, admitting she even wished she could listen to her mother darling's singing and playing. Both wondered aloud what was the latest hit record. and suddenly. I realized what Gia was saying.

  I sat up and exclaimed. "That's it!" They all looked at me. "What's it?" Teal said. smiling,

  "G-a's right."

  "She's right?"

  "Only it's not sub whatever she called it. It's right there in front of you. in front of us. Just listen to you talking. She wants you to see what you're missing, to moan and cry about it all."

  "Why?"

  "So you'll be sorrier about what you're missing, and more obedient and hope more that you'll go home." I said.

  "Yes," Gia said, nodding and whispering. "Yes. You understand. Phoebe. Good. These magazines, anything like that, are a form of subtle torture, torment." She turned to the others. -Don't you understand what we're saying? Look at yourselves, what you're wearing, your hands, your hair, and then look at the girls in the magazines. What would you do, would you give, to be like they are?"

  The three of them looked at the magazines and then at me.

  Robin was the first to understand. I could see it spread through her face, brighten her eyes. She flung her magazine across the barn as if it were poison. Teal stared sadly for a moment, then dropped hers where M'Lady Two had put the pile. Mindy looked wistfully at her magazine and then flipped it.

  "I hate her." she said in a loud, hoarse whisper. She slammed her folded arms against herself so hard. I thought she might have cracked a rib. Then she went to her cot.

  Moments later, they were all on their cots and back to being enveloped in a coat of depression. Gia and I exchanged looks of satisfaction, but also sadness. Who wanted to be right about such a thing?

  The girls said nothing more. They were all asleep before the lights were out in fact. but I couldn't fall asleep.

  I could think only of Natani's shell.

  When I felt it was safe. I crawled out of bed, quietly put on my shoes, and tiptoed out of the barn. I stood for a few moments outside and studied the yard. Lights were an in the hacienda, especially upstairs where the buddies stayed, but everywhere else was in darkness and thick shadows because the sky was partly overcast with a thin, long sheet of clouds sliding over the st
ars.

  As I started across. I heard a coyote howl, then a bird that seemed to be on fire flew from the roof of the horse barn into some high brush. I tried to keep within the shadows until I turned the corner and headed directly for Natani's hogan, There was no way to tell if he was awake. There was no light. I knocked softly on the frame of the doorway, and when I heard his voice. I slipped into his home. He was sitting in a lotus position and in front of him was what looked like a pile of ordinary rocks.

  "Sit, daughter of the sun." he said. indicating I should take the place before him.

  I hesitated for a moment, then did it, folding my legs like his. He reached back and cupped a jug.

  "Drink this first," he said, offering it to me.

  I wasn't particularly crazy about the smell, and again I thought, what if this was all arranged by the goad Dr. Foreman?

  "What is it?" I asked.

  It is something that will start you an the path, help you find your way. Just this once. You won't need it after this. I promise."

  "How can this drink do that?" I looked at the tea.

  "You will see things as they really are, and when you do, you will be in your shell."

  Skeptical and still afraid. I nevertheless began to drink the tea. While I did. Natani began a soft, low chant and tapped on a small drum. As I continued to drink the tea. I couldn't help but think about some of my friends back in Atlanta and how they would laugh and ridicule me for being with this old Indian man. But of course. they were there and I was here.

  I wasn't put off by the taste. and I think that even if I were. I would have forced myself to drink it all. I was that desperate. I waited for more

  instructions, but Natani just continued to chant and play his drum. I was beginning to feel more disappointment than anything else, Here I was sitting in an old Indian man's shack. listening to him play a drum and sing some song I couldn't understand. I couldn't help feeling ridiculous. Maybe that was Dr. Foreman's intention, I was a fool after all.

  Natani knew some things, but he was still an old, nutty man. Everything in Posy's letter was part of an imagination gone wild. It all started to make more sense to me. Dr. Foreman didn't care if we talked to Natani or asked him for his mystical help. He was a big joke, a dead-end road that didn't lead cut of here after all.

  Suddenly though. I became aware of a slow dance of golden lights rising out of the pile of stones between us. They turned red and moved in rhythm to Natani's drum. I rubbed my eyes, but they were still there so I closed my eyes, but the shapes continued. They went from yellow to red to tray and then blue. They looked like jellyfish, but became small balls that elongated and turned to ribbons of light. Finally. they all became bubbles and rose quickly, popping and disappearing.

  Natani's drum seemed to be beating inside me now. When I looked at him. I focused on a crease in his shirt, and for some reason it looked beautiful. The shape of it, the way it flowed along and softened, was all fantastic to me. It made me feel good to make such a discovery.

  I gazed around the hogan and stared for a while at a feather he had on the wall. My eyes were like magnifying glasses because every part of the feather stood out, its shape, its color, its texture. Again I thought, how beautiful it is and how wonderful that I have made the discovery.

  I felt myself smiling, and although I couldn't explain why it should be. I was content. happy. For a moment I thought of Natani's story and the rat's question to the tortoise: Why are you so content?

  The drum stopped and Natani reached for my hand and guided me to my feet. Go look at the world you have come to hate."

  I turned and stepped out of the hogan.

  The darkness was lifting like a curtain. I looked at the hacienda, the horse barn, the pigpen, the barn in which we slept, and it all just seemed to come together, but in a lovely way. Each shape was unique and yet I could feel the way everything flowed into everything else and flowed into me.

  Suddenly, I wanted to embrace all of it, the weeds that grew at the sides of the buildings, the railings on the hacienda, which were so amazing in the way they were the same and yet different, each with something unique about it that I had not seen before, the garden with plants that were like ocean waves in the breeze. I loved everything.

  "What do you see?" Natani asked me.

  "Everything." I held out my arm and I felt myself touch the railing, touch the weeds, touch the plants. I could reach the very stars that pulsated, each resembling a tiny heart beating. It made me spin around and laugh. "It's all beautiful!" I cried. Even the ground looked beautiful, spreading before me like a soft carpet, the grains of sand dazzling.

  "If you see the world as it is, you will see you are a part of it and none of it will make you unhappy," he said. "The world itself is a great shell. There is no other to seek.

  "First, be at peace with your surroundings. See how you are a part of all that there is and how all that there is becomes von. All else will follow, daughter of the sun. I have given you only a small window. You must understand how you should not hate the wind for being the wind or the sun for being the sun. Soon, you will not hate yourself for being who you are either. If you do this, you will need nothing more. You will find your way in and out of your shell and nothing will harm you."

  A moment later he was gone. He had stepped back into his hogan.

  I don't know how long I remained there looking at everything as if for the first time. I don't remember returning to the barn and getting back to my cot, but then I was there, and for a long moment I wondered if I had ever left the barn. Had it all been a dream?

  I fell asleep and did dream. I saw my daddy beckoning to me. He wanted me to come with him, to go somewhere with him. I was very little. My hand was lost in his. He lifted me into his arms. I could feel him carrying me along. Where was he taking me? What did he want to show me?

  Outside our window on a ledge, a sparrow had built a nest and the eggs had cracked open. Tiny baby birds were crying and their mother was rushing to and fro with insects for them to eat.

  "They're like you." Daddy said. "This is your nest." I was fascinated.

  I had forgotten that time, those birds. The way Daddy had held my hand and watched them with me. How could I have forgotten all that?

  My daddy closed the window softly and carried me back to bed. where I fell asleep with a smile of contentment on my face that would make the desert rat and even the tortoise envious.

  In the days following my visit to Natani's hogan. I wasn't able to tell anyone what he had taught me. I wasn't sure what it was myself exactly. All I knew was, whenever I felt overwhelmed, annoyed, or angry. I would stop, take a deep breath, and concentrate on something beautiful around me. The bad feeling would lose its grip on me, and after a while whatever it was that had caused it no longer seemed important.

  The buddies. especially M'Lady One, took my behavior to mean I had lost all resistance and defiance. They had me where they wanted me. At least, that was what they believed. I could see it in their satisfied faces and even heard them say things like "I knew it was just a matter of time with her. They think they're all so tough until they get here."

  Even hearing that sort of thins, didn't bother me. If it was so important to them to win, let them win, I thought. What was it they actually won anyway? I guess it was the satisfaction in knowing no one was better than they were, no one could resist and fight what they couldn't resist and fight. That made them comfortable with who and what they were now. Whether they were uncomfortable wasn't important. It was a waste of energy to hate them. Someday, they would be gone forever from my life.

  None of the other girls seemed to have what I now had. especially Teal. Of all of us, even after what we had each experienced in one way or another. Teal was still the most impatient, upset, and annoyed. Being terrified of any new punishment kept her from being too loud or ever openly refusing to do anything. She never muttered anything within the hearing of any of the buddies and was always subdued and as submissive as a puppy
in Dr. Foreman's presence, but when she could, when it was safe, she moaned and groaned.

  She hated the wind for what it was doing to her skin and she hated the sun for the same reasons. This was a filthy, dirty place. We were all going to die of some disease. We might as well just run off and die in the desert as she had almost died. What was the point of waiting for a release that would never come?

  I was tempted to send her to Natani. I even started to talk to her about it, but she shook her head and said. "He's as crazy as the rest of them here. Why would he stay here? Why would anyone choose this place?"

  It did no good to tell her that this was his world and he was happy in it. She could never understand how anyone would be happy in a world without television, movies, cars, parties, clothes, and jewelry.

  Perhaps it was the rhythm of our lives here, the sameness of our chores, our schedule, the ordinary meals, the continuous schoolwork, and the dreaded therapy sessions with Dr. Foreman that tore at Teal more. but I could see she was growing worse with every passing day. Like Gia, she ate less and less. She was soon almost as thin as Mindy.

  And she returned to her chant: "I'm going crazy here. I can't stand it much longer. I've got to get out of here. I've got to fry to escape again. Why would those damn buddies enjoy this? Why did they come back? If I ever got the opportunity to get away, you wouldn't see me within a hundred miles of this place."

  She recited it all one morning when it was just she, Robin, and me out there working in the garden. Mindy and Gia had been given orders to straighten up and clean out the shed.

  "It could be they're having more fun than we think." Robin offered. "And I don't mean just tormenting and lording it over us. Remember what Gia and Mindy told us about spying on their partying."

  Teal nodded. "Yes, at least they have that. don't they? Why don't we spy on them one night, too, and see just what it is they do have?"