Something Like Spring

  Money can’t buy love, but it certainly could rent it. For the first time—and in a completely superficial way—Jason loved the Hubbards. He was used to getting a present on his birthday, and would often be taken out somewhere like McDonalds when he was younger, but he’d never had a birthday like this before. A huge cake almost as wide as the table was set before him, his full name spelled out below Happy Birthday. After he blew out the candles, he opened his next present. Peter had bought him a computer game.

  “It’s an expansion pack for World of Warcraft,” he explained. “Not the ideal place to start, but I thought we could run a few quests together and see what you think.”

  “Great!” Jason didn’t have a clue what Peter was talking about, but he was having too much fun to mind. From Amy he got guitar picks and an electric tuner, and from Carrie, an MP3 player loaded with some of her favorite music. Mrs. Hubbard gave him his first suit, which was gray and appeared extremely uncomfortable. Her husband gave him a jacket too, but this one was camouflage.

  “For a weekend out,” he explained. “Just us men.”

  If that included Caesar, then it sounded like a good present to Jason!

  After cake and ice cream, he was taken to an indoor race track that not only had go-karts, but special ones for adults that required the driver to be at least sixteen. These beefed-up karts included mandatory helmets, which made the experience feel more genuine, like they were part of a miniature Indy 500.

  On one of his previous birthdays, Jason had asked to be taken to Chuck E. Cheese’s. This was tricky, since the care home couldn’t afford to bring the other kids along, so just Jason and his caseworker had gone. He’d been given twenty dollars worth of tokens, which seemed like a lot at the time, but they disappeared into video games in under an hour. Today Jason expected to race on the go-kart track once, maybe twice—which they did. He loved every minute of it too, getting lost in the rush of speed. When the second round came to an end and he stepped out of the kart, Mr. Hubbard walked up to him.

  “Another couple of laps?” he asked.

  “Seriously?” Jason asked.

  “Sure! We’ve got all day.” Mr. Hubbard peered over Jason’s shoulder and squinted. “Actually, it looks like Peter wants us to do laser tag next. I think he’s just jealous because he’s too young to race with us. What do you think? Quick game of tag and then back on the track?”

  Jason couldn’t believe his luck. Maybe he’d been a little hard on the Hubbards. Sure they expected a lot, but they gave just as much in return. Mr. Hubbard walked away to make arrangements. Jason was struggling with getting his helmet off when Caesar strolled up.

  “The chin strap is twisted,” he said. “Here, let me help.”

  Instead of reaching for the strap, Caesar flipped up Jason’s visor and grinned.

  “What?” Jason asked subconsciously.

  “I’m telling you, you’ve got a great face. Cut your hair and you could have anyone you want.”

  Jason doubted that was true. He managed to get the chin strap figured out and pulled the helmet off, his hair flopping into his face once again. Caesar pretended to look crushed by this.

  Jason stuck out his tongue in response. “Come on,” he said, “I’m about to whoop your ass at laser tag.”

  “You a pro or something?” Caesar asked.

  “Certified,” Jason lied. He’d never played in his life, but figured he’d have beginner’s luck. As it turned out, he didn’t fare so badly. Of course most of his competitors were either little kids or Mr. and Mrs. Hubbard, but Jason managed to stand his ground against Carrie and Caesar. In the end, Peter was the sole survivor, his endless hours of gaming giving him an edge.

  The rest of the day passed in this fashion; go-kart races, black light miniature golf, video games, and more laser tag. As the sun was setting, they went out to an Italian restaurant and ate their fill. The Hubbards must have told the server it was Jason’s birthday, since a piece of cake sizzling with sparklers was brought to him by singing waiters. The experience was embarrassing, but also made him feel special, in a humiliating sort of way.

  Afterwards they went to the movies, and while the animated feature was one he never would have chosen to see, his head felt on the verge of exploding from happiness. Amy’s presence saved him from this fate, since they couldn’t see something gorier with her around. Regardless, he couldn’t take much more of this. They had done more fun stuff in a day than he usually did in a year. By the time they returned home, he collapsed straight into bed, a permanent smile plastered on his face. Still fully dressed, feet feeling heavy in his new shoes, he lost himself in dreams of racing birthday cakes and singing lasagnas.

  * * * * *

  “I can understand you not wanting to go to church last week,” Mrs. Hubbard said. “I know how overwhelming it all must have seemed. But this time you really have no excuse.”

  Things were back to normal. Jason almost felt relieved, since this was familiar territory compared to yesterday’s endless perfection. As much as he appreciated being treated so well, he didn’t intend to let it change who he was. “I told you, I don’t believe in God. Not having a religion is my religion.”

  Mrs. Hubbard turned her head to the door, as if to call her husband, but then changed tactics. “This is about family time. That can take place at church, a restaurant, or a go-kart track. Sometimes you’ll like where such things take place, sometimes you won’t.”

  Jason could read between the lines. If he liked the good things, he had to put up with the bad, and part of him did feel guilty for denying such a simple request. He could easily daydream through a church sermon and had previously… And yet that would mean not being alone with Caesar again.

  “Sorry,” he said. “I feel strongly about this.”

  Eyebrows raised and lips pressed together, Mrs. Hubbard left the room. That wasn’t so bad. Jason flopped back into bed, waiting until the house went quiet. Once sure that everyone had gone, he got up, took a shower, and went downstairs for a bowl of cereal. He walked the house as he ate, finding no sign of Caesar. Afterwards he went upstairs to the end of the hall, standing motionless as he listened for any sound on the other side of the door.

  Nothing. Dead silence. He must have stood there ten minutes working up the courage to knock.

  “Hello?” he tried first. “Caesar? I’m bored. Want to go shopping or something?” No response. Maybe he was sleeping in? Jason knocked once. Then twice. Frustrated, he went downstairs and looked out the front window. Caesar’s car was gone. He felt discouraged by this, but soon another opportunity sprang to mind. Jason went back upstairs, placed a sweaty palm on a doorknob to a bedroom that wasn’t his, and turned it.

  The first sensation was a lingering scent. He found it hard to define. A little cologne maybe, mixed with whatever shampoo Caesar used. Below this was the somewhat musky smell of a room that had recently been slept in. Jason shut the door behind him, wanting to keep this essence trapped. He felt a pulling in his stomach, a strange cocktail of excitement and anxiety. Holy shit, this was desperate! But he didn’t truly care how it reflected on him.

  Jason walked around the room, running his fingers along the spines of a movie collection, searching the titles and his memory for anything even remotely homoerotic and coming up empty. He opened dresser drawers, shifting clothes to find hidden porn magazines that revealed Caesar as anything other than straight. Nothing. Then he entered the bathroom for the first time, not sure what he was looking for. Hope, he supposed. Hope against all evidence pointing to the contrary, that Caesar kissing Steph was a ruse to fool any onlookers, that Caesar might want to kiss him instead.

  Jason explored the room, his despair increasing as he continued to come up empty-handed. As he flopped backward onto the bed, grabbing and hugging a pillow to his chest, he had to accept the truth: Caesar was just a normal guy. Handsome and sort of charming—sure. But normal nonetheless. Jason closed his eyes and sighed. How nice that must be. None of the desperate struggles,
misguided fantasies, or lonely nights. Just a sea of potential girlfriends and an eventual wife and kids, followed by the standard happily-ever-after.

  “Hey!”

  Jason jerked back to reality, surprised to find Caesar standing over him.

  “What are you doing in here?”

  “Sorry. It’s just…” Jason blinked, glancing around for an excuse. “You know how much my room sucks. It’s way more comfortable in here.”

  “Obviously,” Caesar said, glancing at the pillow Jason was still hugging and shaking his head when he shoved it away. “I’ve had the morning from hell, man.”

  Jason sat up, making room for Caesar to sit on the end of the bed. “Where were you?”

  “With Steph. She woke me up this morning, crying on the phone, so I went over there to see what I could do.”

  “Her father?” Jason asked.

  Caesar looked surprised. “Yeah. You guys have really gotten to know each other, huh?”

  “A little.”

  “Anyway, the asshole resurfaces occasionally, making her life hell. Yesterday was one such occasion.”

  “Oh.” Jason swallowed, trying to imagine Steph crying in her bedroom, her tears giving way to relief as Caesar took her into his arms. “Did you guys do it?”

  “It wasn’t a booty call. You’re such a perv!”

  Jason laughed in relief more than anything. “I’m just trying to figure you guys out. I mean, do you love her?”

  Caesar exhaled. “Only in the way you do after you’ve realized you can’t be with a person, you know what I mean?”

  Jason shook his head. “Nope.”

  “Oh. Well, I still have feelings for her, but they aren’t the exact same emotions I had when we were together. Or maybe they are, but they’re sort of hibernating. Not active, but not gone. Maybe someday they’ll fade away entirely.”

  “That’s sad,” Jason said.

  “Is it?”

  He nodded, because he could picture what it must be like to be Steph—to have once been loved by Caesar and to now only have a shadow of that devotion.

  A sound like an angry bee came from Caesar’s pocket. He pulled out his cell phone, pushed a few buttons, and groaned. Jason watched him text something, shaking his head as he did so. Then he tossed the phone aside and considered him. “You know what? Don’t fall in love. It’s not worth it.”

  Jason furrowed his brow. “Really?”

  Caesar flopped on the bed, rolling onto his back and stretching his arms over his head. “No. Not really. Hey, why don’t you grab your guitar? Play me something to ease my troubled mind.”

  Jason hopped up to do just that and was in his bedroom closet when he heard the garage door rumbling downstairs. He hesitated, wondering if he should pretend to be doing something productive. What he probably should have done was run down the hall and hide in Caesar’s room. Maybe then Mrs. Hubbard wouldn’t have appeared in his doorway.

  “Could you help me with a few things?” she asked.

  His stomach sank, but he nodded anyway. “Sure.”

  “A few things” turned out to be a number of tedious chores. First he had to help her in the kitchen, prepping for lunch and then doing dishes. He didn’t see why they couldn’t leave the mess until after they ate, when they would have generated more dirty dishes. Might as well do them all at once. This was nothing compared to what came next. Mrs. Hubbard wanted to clean out the refrigerator, which not only involved checking expiration dates, but wiping down the bottles and jars of food that were still good. Jason suspected this was intended to punish him, and when she mentioned waxing the kitchen floor he decided he’d had enough.

  “Why isn’t anyone else doing chores?” he spat.

  Mrs. Hubbard’s response was just as heated. “Because they already contributed to the family this morning by going to church.”

  He nearly pointed out that Caesar hadn’t, but he was loyal enough to keep his mouth shut. The Emperor himself showed up shortly afterwards, car keys in hand. He spared Jason a sympathetic wince before heading out the door. This made the tedious tasks a little easier, since Jason stopped constantly wishing he could go back upstairs and rejoin him. Of course now he wondered where Caesar had gone. Maybe Steph had called him back, and maybe this time Caesar would act on Jason’s idea and get laid.

  This thought put him in a foul mood that lasted the rest of the day, through lunch, dinner, and the evening television. When Jason was free to return to his room again, he left the door open and plucked at the guitar in a way that he hoped sounded Spanish. To his ear, the music was romantic, and he liked the idea of Caesar stopping on his way down the hall to listen. Jason played until his fingers were numb, ignoring Amy when she sleepily asked how much longer until he was finished.

  Eventually it worked. When he looked up from his guitar for what felt like the hundredth time, Caesar was there, head leaning against the doorway, eyes tired.

  “Hey!” Jason said. “You’re home!”

  This enthusiasm caused a smile, but even it was weary. “That I am. Nice song. What’s it from?”

  “Nothing. Just a little freestyle.” Jason set aside the guitar and stood. “Should we hang out in your room? I can play more for you.”

  Caesar shook his head. “After a day like today, I just want to go to sleep. See you tomorrow, okay?”

  Jason’s head nodded, which he considered a betrayal since the rest of him didn’t like this plan at all. A whole day until he would have another chance, and every possibility that Steph, Kurt, or someone else would be around. After Caesar disappeared down the hall, Jason paced the room feeling…

  Too much. He craved and yearned and needed. He was horny and emotional, angry and vulnerable. He considered excuses, reasons to knock on Caesar’s door, but all of them were flimsy. In each scenario, he was sent back to his room. Jason thought of how he’d snuck into Shawn’s room just to see him sleeping. Similar emotions had driven him to do stupid things before, but they were a pale imitation of what he felt now. Shawn had been a physical infatuation. Jason had barely known him. Caesar actually talked to Jason, welcomed him into his life, made him feel good about himself.

  It’s a nice face.

  Caesar had said this and something similar on two different occasions. He liked how Jason looked. No guy had ever complimented him like that before. Not many girls either. This was a hint, an invitation. One of them had to make the first move, that’s all. And it would seem Jason would be the one to do it, since he had already taken the first few steps. He found himself in the hallway, walking through blissful darkness and glorious silence, which meant the midnight hour belonged to him alone. He stopped when he reached Caesar’s door. Hand on the knob, breath held tightly in his lungs, he willed the door to open silently. A familiar smell preceded a room cast in shadow—a form in the bed breathing softly.

  Jason shut the door behind him and remained still until he was sure he hadn’t disturbed this peaceful scene. Then he walked to the bed. Caesar was on his back, arms splayed out. As Jason’s vision adjusted to the dark, he could see the way Caesar’s brow was knotted, a frown on his face as if the stress of the day refused to leave him, even in sleep. Jason loved the strong nose, the proud mouth, the narrow chin. How could Caesar ever look at him and see something good when Caesar was so incredibly handsome?

  Jason put one knee on the bed, then a hand so he could bend over, bringing their faces parallel like they had been the other night, when they had slept side by side. Except now he didn’t let that distance remain. He placed his other knee on the mattress. If he could never kiss those lips, Jason wanted to at least pretend, to get as close as humanly possible so he could imagine over and over what it must really be like. Their noses were on the verge of brushing, Caesar’s breath practically his own when it all went wrong.

  Caesar’s eyelids fluttered open.

  For a moment, they locked gazes. Past the initial surprise, Jason saw understanding. They were both holding their breath. If Jason’s fantasie
s held any truth, any invisible hope, they would kiss now. This would be the beginning of everything. Caesar shifted, bringing a hand near his face… but then that hand kept moving, landing on Jason’s shoulder and pushing him away. Gently, but still away.

  Everything leading to this moment—every dream, wish, and fantasy—cracked and shattered. Reality returned, leaving him all too aware of what he’d done. This wasn’t a love story. He had crept into some guy’s room, and while he honestly wasn’t going to kiss Caesar, no one would ever believe that. Invasion of privacy, of personal space. The breaking of trust, the appearance of sexual assault. Jason had committed so many social transgressions that it made his head spin.

  Sitting up on both knees, he tried to find an expression that showed he understood what he had done. “I’m sorry,” he said, voice cracking.

  Caesar studied him, propped up on one elbow. Was he deciding what to do? Trying to find some suitable punishment?

  “Jason,” he said.

  The lips shaping his name caused emotions to stir. So messed up! So lost! But Jason couldn’t help himself. From the nightstand, the phone shook with a half-second buzz. Caesar’s jaw clenched. He closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, they were angry.

  “Go back to your room,” he said.

  “I’m sorry,” Jason said, pushing himself off the bed.

  “Just go!” Caesar rolled over, turned his back to him and covered his head with his arms like a man protecting himself from a beating. Jason stared for a moment longer before he abandoned stealth and hurried back to his room. Once there, he shut the door, wishing it had a lock. Since it didn’t, he sat with his back to it, working hard to fight off the tears that wanted to make the night even more humiliating. He’d been stupid. Just like before.

  No. That wasn’t true. This was worse, because unlike before, Jason didn’t want to give up. He still wanted to run down that hall, find the words to make everything right. But he knew nothing he could say or do would help. Only one option remained, a familiar path that he had walked before. As Jason sat in the dark of his room, he promised himself this would be the last time.