Like a Memory

  about her. How I was in awe of her. Or I could let her keep her job and go see her later.

  Tonight.

  After work. At her apartment.

  That was what I’d do. Her place was safe. Octavia wouldn’t see me there and she wouldn’t know I’d talked to Bliss. She wouldn’t know anything. I started for the door and stopped. I couldn’t look at Bliss again and keep my mouth shut. I didn’t want her to think I meant those words and if she flashed me those shining, pretty blue eyes, so full of hurt again I would crack and blurt it all out.

  I went back to my truck and jerked the door open then climbed inside. I’d go somewhere else for the day. I could call Octavia and make up some excuse why I had to go. I wasn’t her bitch and that store wasn’t my responsibility. If I didn’t want to work in it, I didn’t have to.

  Driving around I’d ignored three text from Octavia. Funny, when she didn’t need me, she never texted. That suddenly annoyed me. I was thankful she didn’t drive me nuts just two weeks ago.

  Bliss had changed it all. She hadn’t meant to but she had. Seeing her and being near her made me question just how happy I actually was with this life I had planned out. I’d caught myself thinking about how I missed drama in my life and for me that was crazy talk. For most men that was crazy talk.

  Though Bliss wasn’t dramatic. She would mean more. Need more. And I wasn’t sure I could handle either. She deserved it all. After the shit she’d been through she deserved a prince and I wasn’t one of those. I was more like the bad boy. The one you spend a little time with then move on along.

  Octavia got that. She was okay with me and how I was. Somehow that didn’t matter so much anymore. I pulled into Bliss’s parking lot and picked up my phone. Octavia’s three text were:

  Where are you?

  Can you get some storage shelves?

  I’ve got to go for the day. Bliss is closing up. I’ll see you tonight.

  That was it. She didn’t keep asking where I was. She didn’t call me. She didn’t seem to give a fuck. What man didn’t want that? A stupid one.

  I texted back:

  “I thought I’d take a drive and go see Grandpop. See you tonight. “

  That was all she would require. No more explanation. Nothing.

  A simple “K” was Octavia’s reply.

  Easy. So damn easy. But was easy what I really wanted? Was it what anyone really wanted?

  I walked from my parked truck to Bliss’s condo and tried to think of how I would explain this. What I would say. How I would say it. Nothing sounded good enough. I was just going to wing it and apologize. Tell her the truth. Get that hurt look out of her eyes. God, that was hard to see.

  When I stopped outside her door I could hear voices inside. More than just her and Eli. Several. Loud voices laughing and talking. Like they were having a party. I thought real hard about if I wanted to do this right now. Maybe I should wait. I’d wanted to get her alone. Not with a condo full of people.

  Those eyes were haunting me though and I had to fix this. I knocked. The sound didn’t lessen and I wondered if they’d even heard me. Should I knock louder? They needed a damn doorbell.

  Before I could think too much about it the door swung open and Bliss was standing there. I saw people behind her but I couldn’t focus on what was going on in the room. All I could see was her. She went from smiling to a frown immediately. Then there was a flash of anger in her eyes.

  “I need to talk to you,” I said before she could slam the door in my face. I wasn’t sure if she would do that but in case I wasn’t taking a chance.

  “I heard enough,” she replied curtly. Then, like her knight in shining armor, Eli was beside her. The scowl on his face said he knew. She’d told him. He wanted to bash my face in and I didn’t blame him. Although he shouldn’t try it, Eli wasn’t a match for me.

  “What you heard and what was really happening are two different things. Your job was on the line, Bliss. She thought I was attracted to you. I had to do something to fix it.”

  Her eyes widened and the frown faded.

  “She’s busy,” Eli said before she could respond.

  But she placed a hand on his arm. “No, I want to talk to him. I’ll be back.”

  He looked ready to grab her and slam the door in my face. “Are you sure?”

  She tilted her head back and looked up at him. “Yes.”

  With a sigh, he moved back then shot me one more warning glare.

  Bliss stepped outside and closed the door behind her. I was glad Eli was on the other side and not opening his mouth. I didn’t need his opinion nor did Bliss need protection from me.

  “I’m listening,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest. She was wearing a tank top and a pair of cutoff jeans. Her feet were bare and her toes were bright pink. She’d had more than one glass of wine tonight. I could smell it on her breath. All of that appealed to me. I wanted to get closer. Touch her. Inhale her scent. Damn, I was fucked up.

  “You know I couldn’t keep my eyes off you last night. You caught me looking at you more than once. So did Octavia. I had to tell her I was making sure you were safe. That she could trust you. I had to give her some excuse or she’d have fired you. Even though you are the best employee she’s going to find. I didn’t mean a word I said. It was all bullshit that she needed to hear. None of it was true. I . . .”

  “I quit.” She interrupted me.

  I paused and made sure I had just heard her correctly. She quit? And Octavia hadn’t told me?

  “What? When?”

  She reached up and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. Even her ear was perfect. Or maybe I was so biased I thought everything about her was perfect.

  “I told her just before I left for the day. I thanked her for the job then told her I overheard the two of you, and that I didn’t want to work for anyone who thought so poorly of me. She didn’t even apologize. I don’t think she even cared.”

  Octavia wouldn’t. Fuck if that didn’t piss me off too.

  “You needed that job.”

  She gave me an affirmative nod. “Yes I did. But until I can find another one I will be working as a waitress at Live Bay. Serving drinks.”

  And I wouldn’t see her anymore. Unless I was at Live Bay when she was working. The day to day of knowing that she was at Octavia’s was gone just like that. The ache formerly in my chest was now a hollow spot. Empty. And I did what any desperate man would do.

  I grabbed her waist, pulled her against me, and kissed her until neither of us could breathe.

  Bliss York

  I WAS LOST for a moment. What was right and what was wrong didn’t register in my brain. Not then. My mind and heart were both drenched in this kiss and I let it happen. I didn’t just let it happen I held on for dear life and then some. My hands grabbed at his muscular arms as my body pressed against his. I could stay like this forever, his frame moving against mine, and the taste of his mouth forcing my toes to curl.

  What he’d said and how much it had hurt didn’t matter. I believed him. He hadn’t meant it. The Nate I knew wasn’t cruel and elitist. It had been a ploy to save my job. A job, after overhearing them, I didn’t want. And I admit this was better than my memory. But, of course, he was now a man. And he knew exactly what to do and how to do it.

  No I didn’t care about anything else. This was everything.

  Running my hands up his arms I inhaled his scent and I felt like moaning with pleasure. For a virgin with very little experience my body was buzzing and I ached to get closer. To have more.

  Just as my hands found his broad shoulders and his hands found my bottom I remembered what did matter. The one thing that made this wrong. It was like ripping off my arm or stepping back from the sun into the cold shadows. But I did it. I broke the kiss and used both my hands to shove him back. Away from me. Away from what I wanted but couldn’t have.

  This wasn’t okay. He wasn’t free. He belonged to someone else.

  “Bliss,” he began, and I
shook my head no. He didn’t need to say anything.

  “That was wrong,” I told him. He already knew it and maybe that had been what he was going to say. But I needed to be the one to say it. Hearing him confess that this kiss had been a mistake wasn’t something I could handle at the moment. My heart was taking a serious beating because reality had suddenly set in.

  “Nothing about that was wrong,” he argued, taking a step toward me. I took a step back.

  “Stop. Don’t. Yes, it was,” I said. Although I didn’t agree with him, those words soothed me as much as they pained me. He wasn’t saying he’d made a mistake. I was thankful for that, even if it was selfish.

  “Bliss, look at me,” he pleaded. I didn’t think that was a good idea. If I saw those eyes and those lips of his I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t throw myself at him. He wasn’t mine to touch. To enjoy. He wasn’t mine to laugh with and kiss. He wasn’t mine to hold. He was someone else’s and I’d kissed him.

  The worst thing about it was I didn’t regret it. I should feel ashamed. Terrible. I was an awful human being but I did not care. I wouldn’t give that kiss up for anything. I’d just live with my crime. My character flaw. Who was I kidding, I had a lot of flaws, but now I knew I had a really major defect. I’d become “the other woman.”

  “You should go,” I said, still looking down.

  He sighed and I heard him let out a frustrated growl. “I can’t, this isn’t . . . fuck!” He wasn’t making complete thoughts but I understood every word. I felt it too. Even the curse word at the end. “There’s something there. Something between us. Always has been, since the first time I saw you. But that something is scary as hell. What I have now . . . it’s easy.” His last word trailed off like he had admitted something he was ashamed of.

  My heart was already broken but it was shattering as we stood there. We did have something. A connection that drew me to him. Made me want to be close to him. He made my world brighter. I’d thought that was because of my limited experience with guys but he felt it too. It wasn’t just me.

  That didn’t change anything though. He wanted easy. I wasn’t easy. Was it because I had been sick? I wasn’t sick anymore. Again, with people seeing me as the sick girl. I hated that. I didn’t want to be labeled that by anyone especially Nate.

  “I’m not sick . . . I am clear of any cancer,” I said the words lifting my eyes to meet his. “I have been for almost four years. “

  He frowned and studied me a moment. Like he didn’t understand anything I’d just said.

  The door behind me opened. I turned to see Eli. “You good?”

  He was worried. We’d been out here longer than I expected. Eli had probably been pacing in front of the door waiting on me to return. He was good like that. He hadn’t once treated me like the sick girl. Even when I had no hair and spent my days too sick to keep down food.

  “We’re fine,” I assured him.

  He didn’t look convinced but he waited a second then reluctantly closed the door. He’d want a complete recap of this and I wouldn’t be able to give it to him. I couldn’t tell him I’d kissed another woman’s fiancé. Because he’d expect me to feel remorse. Admit my fault. And I couldn’t. If it was anyone else, I would, but not Nate. First, he’d been mine, not Octavia’s.

  “I know you’re clear of cancer. Why are you telling me that now?”

  Because he said I wasn’t easy. He wanted easy. Didn’t he remember what he had said? “You said I was scary and you wanted easy.”

  His eyes looked sad as my words sank in. Then he took a step toward me and I didn’t move back this time. I was deciding I might not care about the fact he wasn’t free. I was a hussy. Or at least becoming one.

  “That’s not what I meant,” he replied. “My life . . . the way I feel for you is intense. It’ll never be easy.”

  “So you want to feel what?”

  “Free. Without attachment.”

  He wanted to feel nothing. He didn’t want to chance the pain to experience the great. He was a coward. He didn’t love Octavia. He loved how simple it was with her. She was never around and she didn’t seem to want to talk to him much. That wasn’t a relationship. That wasn’t what my parents had. And I wanted what they had. Every girl dreamed of that kind of devotion.

  “Then there’s nothing left to say,” I replied.

  I should have turned and went back inside then. Left him without saying anything more. Made a grand exit. But I stood there. Because I knew once I walked away that was it. I may never see him again and I just couldn’t let him go yet.

  “I’m sorry,” were his choice words.

  “Me too, Nate Finlay.” Then I forced my feet to move, my heart to let go and my brain to shut up. Getting inside was vital. I didn’t trust my mouth not to blurt out something I’d regret. Something stupid, like begging him to love me. To just try. That was something he should want to do. Not something I should have to beg for. My mother was the center of my father’s world. They loved us kids but we knew they adored each other. It gave us security and also showed us what the “real thing” was supposed to look like.

  One day I’d find a man to love me that way. As much as my heart wished it were Nate, I knew it wasn’t. And that was going to hurt for a very long time.

  Nate Finlay

  I WAS GOING to end up drinking myself into an early grave. They’d find me dead on the side of the road. Or maybe my liver would fail. Heck, I was in Alabama. There was a good chance I’d say the wrong thing to some guy and he’d blow the top of my head off. Fuck, if I cared.

  With that thought, I took another swig from the bottle of Maker’s Mark in my hand. Currently, this was how I dealt with life. When I was sober, I thought about Bliss. Who was I kidding? I was hammered and thought about Bliss. It just hurt less with the numbness the alcohol delivered.

  Octavia hadn’t said much about Bliss quitting. Her response when I asked her the next day was “oh, she quit. I’ll replace her soon enough.” She hadn’t even given me the reason. I fucking knew the reason, but the fact Octavia was keeping it from me pissed me off.

  But then everything about Octavia was beginning to piss me off. I was in a state of constant annoyance.

  I took another drink. I was parked outside Live Bay. I thought about going inside but figured this bottle and my truck would do just fine for the moment. I didn’t need a crowd to witness this level of low.

  When Octavia had left today after hiring some thirty-year-old soccer mom who didn’t have a clue what was going on, I figured I could either go back to Rosemary Beach or I could drink. I chose the drink.

  Simply because leaving Sea Breeze meant leaving Bliss. And although I hadn’t seen her in five days the idea of being that far away from her was like a sharp pain in my chest. Which was also a reason to drink. So drink I did.

  Leaning back in my seat I watched the people going inside laughing and having a damn ole good time. They weren’t like me. They were here because it was fun. This was a jolly fucking good time. I held out my bottle and said a cheers to the idiots outside. They couldn’t see me through the tint in my windows and the darkness outside but I did it anyway. Made me feel less alone.

  Why was I engaged? I didn’t want to be married. Hell, I was too fucking young to be married. What was my problem? Had I been desperate to get out of Rosemary that I thought marriage was the answer? Jesus at some point I’d lost my mind.

  I wanted easy and Octavia was easy? Hell no! There was no easy relationships. Marriage was the hardest of them all. Why in God’s name had I thought that was a good idea?

  Picking up my phone I texted her just that:

  Why the fuck are we engaged? I don’t want to be married. And damned if you do. We don’t fit.

  I paused and took another drink before I pressed send. Because this was it. I was telling the truth and with that came a consequence. I was ending it with Octavia. Pressing send was the end. She wasn’t dramatic and she wouldn’t beg me to stay. She’d take that as doubt and she’d
walk away. Easy. So fucking easy.

  I pressed send.

  Staring at the doors to Live Bay I wondered if Bliss was in there. Was she why I’d just pressed send? Would this make a difference in my decision about her? She wasn’t easy. That hadn’t changed. And I didn’t want marriage. Possibly ever. She would.

  My phone didn’t vibrate a response. There was no sudden argument from Octavia. She didn’t have an answer for me either. She said nothing. I drank two thirds of the bottle before I finally decided maybe I should go inside. See Bliss. Because she was why I was sitting here hammered off my ass after all.

  It took me three tries before I could find the door knob. Even then I couldn’t manage to open it. Sighing, I closed my eyes and laid my head back. Fuck this. I couldn’t drive if I couldn’t open the damn door. So I’d do what? Sleep here all night? Shit. Just what I wanted Bliss to see if she was here. Me passed out in my truck.

  A knock on the door startled me and I turned my head to see Eli fucking Hardy standing there. He was in his polo shirt and his perfectly styled hair. There was that judgmental frown on his face that made you just want to punch him in the nose. Or maybe it just made me want to punch him in the nose. Bliss didn’t seem to want to hurt him because he was tidy and clean.

  But hell what a bore that was. He had to bore her to death. He bored me by just looking at him. I wanted to close my eyes and go back to passing out. But he knocked again and I knew he wasn’t going to leave me alone.

  I tried again to open the door and after a few attempts finally managed it. Mr. Perfect’s frown was even deeper by the time I got it open and that made me want to slam the door back. I would if I could figure out how to . . .

  “You smell like whisky,” were his oh so wise words.

  “No shit,” I drawled. He was a fucking Einstein.

  “Why are you here? Bliss gets off work in a few minutes and this isn’t something he needs to see.”