Reckless Longing

  "No way. Falling stars are lucky. I could use a few." I grinned and shook my head. "You only brought one chair."

  "I only have one chair. You can sit on my lap."

  I hesitated.

  "Or I can sit on yours if you prefer."

  "How much did you say you weigh?"

  "I didn't." He laughed, fell into the chair, took my hand, and pulled me into the chair against him with his legs straddling me.

  "Careful! You're sloshing my beer," I said to cover my nerves and excitement from being so close to him. I could feel his body heat and smell his cologne. My body reacted. There was something about Logan I couldn't resist.

  "There's plenty more beer where that came from. Collin never skimps."

  "Yeah, but we'd have to go back into the party to get it." I sat awkwardly between his legs, stiff and prim. I was in uncharted territory, not sure whether this was a just-friends moment or something more and not wanting to overstep the boundaries. Most girls would have taken full advantage and cuddled into him, hoping and angling for more.

  I wasn't most girls. I had too much to lose if I got too close. "How come you didn't tell me you live with Collin and Zave? And why do you keep saying this is Collin's party when it's clearly yours and Zave's, too?"

  I may be slow, but I had realized by now that Logan had money, too. Or his family did. I'd assumed since he was working, he was as strapped as the rest of us, but I guess I was wrong. Or maybe he was asserting his independence from the wealthy father he was on the outs with. I respected that.

  "Collin is our party planner. He runs all of our joint social events. We've gotten in the habit of calling them his parties, but they're our parties. Our friends know the deal. If we ever called the parties anything but Collin's, they'd get the wrong idea and wonder what happened and why we were fighting with Collin. As for being roommates, it never came up."

  I remained in my awkward perch.

  He reached over the side of his chair and grabbed his iPad. "What's this being stiff and distant around me, El," he whispered in my ear. "I'm your hand-holding guy. Relax! Stargazing is not for the tense. It's supposed to relieve stress."

  I was outed for being nervous. How could he be so calm?

  "Tense? Who, me? No way. I'm just afraid of tangling with those vicious killer binoculars around your neck. A girl could give herself a concussion by leaning against those."

  "These?" He stared down at them.

  Or maybe he was staring down my blouse. It was hard to tell from my angle, but the thought was thrilling.

  "These aren't even my most lethal star-watching equipment. You should see my telescope. It's mind blowing." His voice was laced with innuendo as he leaned and whispered so closely it was like he was blowing in my ear.

  Shivers ran down my body. What were we really talking about? "I'd love to see your lethal telescope."

  I could almost feel him smiling.

  "Another time. It's back at the apartment. But I concede your point—my binoculars aren't pillowy soft and comfortable to lean against." He took the binoculars off, set them on the grass next to us, and pulled me against his chest, wrapping his arms around me, holding his iPad in front of us. He wasn't exactly soft to lean against, either, but being next to him was thrilling and so pleasurable I felt like I could rest my head against him forever. It just felt right.

  I leaned against the hard contours of his chest and swore I could feel the thumping of his heart. I just couldn't tell if his heart was reacting as wildly as mine in reaction to being so near each other. All I knew for sure was that I didn't want to be anywhere else.

  He held his iPad in front of us, turned it on, and brought up an app. "Star Walk," he said. "So I can impress you by naming the constellations." He held the iPad up toward the sky.

  "Impressive? You're basically using a crib sheet," I said.

  "I get points for buying an app to impress the girls."

  "You give yourself points easily."

  He laughed and pointed the iPad at the sky. The constellation Sagittarius lit up onscreen. "There it is, the archer."

  I squinted at the sky, trying to find the stars that were on the iPad screen, diagramed with lines connecting them, which still looked nothing like a centaur archer. "How can anyone see a half man, half beast god of war in that mess of stars? Even the description says it looks more like a teacup than anything else."

  He put his face next to mine and pointed to the sky. "Use your imagination. See that patch of the Milky Way? Imagine what ancient man felt like when he stared at the sky and saw that. How did he explain it? Why wasn't it there during daylight?

  "He had to make up stories to explain it. Astronomers were the storytellers and forecasters of their day and the sky was their internet and like TV for the masses. They could watch it for hours as the planets and moon moved across it. Like we are." Logan adjusted the iPad. "Picture the archer standing with his bow aimed at the heart of Scorpius, the scorpion. Legend says he was placed in the heavens to guide the Argonauts in their travels."

  "So the heavens were both entertainment and a satellite missile defense system."

  "You could look at it that way. Even if the constellation doesn't look like a centaur, in astronomy terms, Sagittarius is impressive—more Messier objects than any other constellation in the sky, including seven globular clusters, four open star clusters, three nebulae, and a patch of the Milky Way."

  "That knowledge would be even more impressive if you weren't reading it from an app."

  He laughed. "See, off to the right of the body of the constellation? That's the Lagoon Nebula." He reached for his binoculars. "We can see it better with—"

  "Look!" A falling star blazed across the sky in front of us. "Did you see it?"

  I felt him nodding.

  "Awesome. I hope you made a wish." He put the binoculars to his eyes and stared at the sky. Then he handed them to me and helped me locate the Lagoon Nebula. He brought it up on the app and showed me what it would look like if we could see it with something like the Hubble telescope.

  We took turns gazing at globular clusters, nebulae, and even the Milky Way, looking them up on Star Walk and debating over which one was most impressive.

  "This is no good," he said at last. "Our focus is too narrow. We're missing too many meteors."

  "The Milky Way galaxy is too narrow a focus?" I said.

  He laughed and settled me closer against him. "Yeah. When there's a whole universe before us."

  The way he said it made me think he was referring to more than stars and skies. It felt like the beginning of something big, or maybe the natural continuation of what had started at Up All Night. I wondered why I hadn't met him first, before Austin. I tried to remember what it felt like before I became jaded, when I was naïve enough that "I love you" meant "I love you and only you." And "I'm not going to cheat on you." When I believed it when a guy said he'd wait until I was ready. When I believed love was forever and not just a line.

  I wish I'd met Logan then, at that time before I was guarded and afraid of everything, including losing my heart. I could wish on star after star, but it wasn't going to change the situation. It didn't stop me from trying. I wished I'd met Logan at a time when I wasn't trying to connect with my dad and life wasn't so complicated.

  A huge meteor flashed across the sky. Its tail stayed lit for a second afterward, burning brightly. And then I wished, really wished on it, that Logan and I could have a chance. If not now, someday.

  He set the binoculars in the grass next to our chair and reclined fully back until he was lying nearly flat on his back and I was lying against him with my head on his shoulder, my hair spilling around us. For an instant, it felt like my wish had been granted.

  The sky lit up with meteor after meteor. We gasped in awe as the biggest ones coursed across the heavens. We pointed and laughed at the small ones. Poked fun at each other for missing one and marveled at the display. I was in complete awe at feeling so completely right with Logan.

/>   "What are you wishing for?" he asked.

  "If you tell what you wished for, my wish won't come true."

  "We've seen over thirty shooting stars. You can't blow one wish to satisfy my curiosity?"

  "No, not one." I couldn't tell him most of the wishes were for the same thing and telling one would be telling all.

  "I wished this evening would never end," he said.

  I shivered from the force of his sentiment and how closely it matched mine, but pretended I shivered from the falling dew and rapidly cooling night.

  He wrapped his arms tightly around me. "You're cold."

  I was happy. Happier than I could ever remember being. "You just wasted a wish."

  "It couldn't come true anyway." His tone was at once light and full of longing.

  "Then why did you wish it?"

  "Wishes don't have to be possible."

  There was something different and deep about Logan. He was holding something back and suffering like I was. I knew enough about pain and secrets to recognize them in another person for the insidious creatures they were. I wanted to ask him what it was that tormented him, what he was hiding from me and everyone. I bit my tongue. It wasn't fair to ask him. Not when I couldn't, and wouldn't, share either my demons or my secrets.

  "Who says it can't come true?" I said, neatly nullifying my own theory about not telling wishes or they wouldn't come true. "We'll hold it in our memories forever." My words tumbled out with so much force it surprised me. I looked up at him to see if I'd misstepped.

  He was staring at the sky, but he snorted softly and smiled. "I like that. We'll thwart fate and all that shit about wishes revealed not coming true.

  "You should be in the stars, El. The goddess of tempting fate with her arrow pointed directly at man's heart." He sounded both almost defiantly angry and somehow amused at the same time.

  I almost told him that I'd wished I'd met him sooner.

  We lapsed into silence. Staring at the sky, I saw what he meant. I felt lame and small in the vastness of the universe and eternity spreading out before me. But somehow, it was comforting to think how small and insignificant my mistakes were and how infinite the possibilities were.

  "I was waiting for you in the water below the cliffs," he said out of nowhere. "Why didn't you jump sooner?"

  I could have said it was because people kept crowding in front of me. But I didn't. I said what was even truer. "I wanted to be sure I wasn't imagining that you were."

  I think he liked that answer. "You almost waited too long."

  "Maybe. But the minute I realized you wouldn't wait forever, I jumped in, hoping you wouldn't go. You didn't stop. You just kept going."

  "God, El, I did stop. That's why I saw you go under. Because I stopped on the rock just off shore and turned to go back."

  I swallowed hard, overcome by the emotion in his voice and pulsing through me. "Thank you."

  We both knew what would have happened if he hadn't.

  He slid his warm hand beneath my tank top and rested it on my abdomen. My breath caught at the simple touch.

  He ran his fingers through my hair. I stroked his arm. The biggest falling star of the night flashed overhead and I made a desperate wish.

  He lifted the hair off my neck and nibbled my neck softly, moving slowly to my ear, my cheek, tantalizing and teasing the edges of my lips. His simple kisses, his hot mouth on my skin against the cool of the night, rose pleasure like waves pulsing through me. His hand remained still on my stomach, but I ached for his touch, full of longing I hadn't ever felt.

  I rolled over on top of him and stared into his eyes, almost pleading with him to make another memory that would never be ruined. The moonlight was reflected in his deep brown eyes. He cupped my face and pulled it to his. And then he kissed me like I'd never been kissed before: leisurely, gently, and without tongues, as if we had forever to build to something more.

  I swung my legs around him, straddling him and pressing myself against him. He arched up into me. I felt him hard against me through his shorts.

  He sucked my lower lip and gently parted my lips and kissed me open-mouthed so skillfully it took my breath away.

  His hands slid to my waist. He hiked my shirt up and ran his hands over my back until I shivered beneath his touch and wanted more. So much more.

  I don't know how long we kissed. Wrapped in his arms, with his mouth on mine, I lost all track of time. The way we kissed was so comfortable and natural, it was like we were two halves that had always been together. There was no awkwardness. No turning our heads the wrong direction. No false stops or starts. No bumping of noses.

  When he finally pulled away, he was breathing hard. "I've wanted to do that, and so much more, since I met you, El."

  "But?" I knew there was more.

  He looked at me with admiration and regret shining with the moonlight in his eyes. "You're too damn intuitive, El." He paused like he was searching for words. Finally, he sighed, like he was giving up. Like there was no good way to say it. "I like you. You're special, El. Really special. But I'm sorry. I'm dealing with a bunch of shit right now, and I can't…"

  He trailed off like he couldn't, or didn't want to, finish the thought.

  I bit my lip. I knew what he was going to say. We couldn't be together. And he was right. I couldn't be with him, either.

  I stroked his cheek, blinking back tears. "No, me either, Logan. I can't."

  His brow furrowed. I'd surprised him. For a second it looked to me like he was wondering whether I was saving face or giving him an easy out. I got the feeling lots of girls gave him a pass. They'd do anything for him, take whatever kind of relationship he was willing to give them. I was different. I meant what I said—I couldn't have a relationship with him any more than he could with me.

  He frowned. "You can't either?"

  "I can't either," I whispered back.

  He stared at me. In the dark, his black eye was less evident and his gaze penetrating. He opened his mouth and hesitated. "No." He shook his head. "I can't ask you why any more than I can give you my reasons." He paused. "You'd tell me if you could?"

  I nodded. "Absolutely."

  "I'm not feeding you bullshit or some kind of line." His Adam's apple bobbed. "You believe me?"

  "I do, and I understand. And I won't question."

  "Shit, El." He took a deep breath. "I don't believe this. I finally meet a girl—" He cut himself off and let out a heavy sigh. "I can't ask you to wait until I'm ready. I don't know when, or if, I'll ever be ready."

  I nodded because I understood too well. I was afraid to ask the question, but I had to. I needed some kind of definition I could hang our relationship on. Was he saying this was it for us, the end of everything?

  "What if I need someone to hold my hand?" I took a deep breath, hoping I didn't sound pitiful. "Are we still friends?"

  "Always, El. I'll hold your hand anytime, any day." His voice broke as he held me tight.

  "You know what I wished?" My voice was full of longing.

  He stared at me and cupped my cheek. "You're really going to blow another wish?"

  I tried to smile. "It doesn't matter. It's impossible, anyway." I paused. "I wished we'd met before." I didn't have to say before when.

  "Me too, El. God, me too." He pulled my head to his chest and held it there, running his fingers through my hair as his lips brushed the top of my head.

  I listened to the reassuring thump of his heart, blinked back a tear, and wished with all my being that things were different. That things could be different in the future. And that we'd never lose the longing we felt for each other. Even if we lived to be ninety and married other people, I never wanted to lose this feeling.

  Chapter Eight

  All day Sunday, Bre, Taylor, and Nic played interrogator, questioning me over and over again about Logan.

  "But why?" Nic asked. "Things were going so well. You disappeared with him forever. That black eye makes him hot, gives him a bad boy edge and dra
gs up sympathy, let-me-take-care-of-you points.

  "He takes you out to on some lame-ass excuse to look at the stars. Which was obviously code for wanting to make out. And then tells you you'll only be friends? It makes no sense."

  "It does to me," I said. "He's dealing with something and needs time. We barely know each other. It's not like he owes it to me to spill all his personal details to me.

  "Besides, I don't want a boyfriend, either. I've told you, I'm still rebounding. It's going to take some time.

  "Logan's too special to be a rebound guy. I'd rather have him as a long-term friend than a short-lived, failed fling. Anyway, a relationship's not going to happen."

  Taylor shrugged as if the solution was obvious. "Then you need to find someone in between. Find your rebound guy and get it out of your system. Who knows? You might find someone you like better. There's a whole campus full of hot men out there."

  There was one monumental problem—I didn't want anyone but Logan.

  "His friend Collin is hot, too," Nic said. "Do you think he'd go for me?" She sighed heavily, like she was ruing the complications of her life. "Black guys like my shitty dad want pale white girls like my mom. White guys want white girls. It's really crappy luck."

  I stared at Nic, almost startled. Why would any guy not want her? She was so gorgeous and funny, I had to fight my envy nearly every time I looked at her. "He'd be crazy not to."

  Sunday night, our chem quiz scores were posted online. I got a five out of ten and felt sick. Unlike most profs, Dr. Rogers didn't post the class average or the curve.

  Dex called me and ranted. "I got a six."

  "Then you did better than I did."

  "Yeah, I did better than everyone I know. But that doesn't mean jack. You need to see Byron. Visit him during his office hours. Bring him cookies. Find out the scoop."

  Monday in class, Dr. Rogers refused to go over the quiz, saying anyone who didn't understand was ignorant and didn't belong in her class. A ripple of anger and frustration rode through the lecture hall. Despite more questioning, she refused to post the grade distribution.