Reckless Longing

  "They made a plan, and one night broke into the prof's classroom and rigged the projector with camera flashcubes and a smoke bomb to 'blow up' when the prof turned the projector on for class. It was brilliant. The prof was nervous about using it the rest of the semester and trembled every time he turned it on. It was legendary."

  Dex laughed at the thought of Dr. Rogers being jumpy for the rest of the semester. "I have the old man's plans for it. It's pretty simple, really. And the best part is if the old man ever finds out, he can't give me any shit over pulling his own prank. The apple, as they say, doesn't fall far from the tree."

  "Your dad is an evil genius. I now see where you get your talent." I paused. "Was he ever caught?"

  "If he was, we wouldn't be using it. Too easy to trace it back to us," Dex said. "It's our good luck that Dr. Rogers and the university haven't completely switched over to smart whiteboards. She should give up that ancient projector when she works equations."

  "What's a flashcube and where are you going to get one?" I asked.

  "Flashcubes are from like the sixties and seventies when you still had to use film in your cameras and they didn't have electronic flash. One bulb of the flashcube exploded every time you took a flash picture. Camera aficionados still use them for specialty shots. It's retro. Remember what Kirk said? His uncle owns a camera shop."

  "Wow! Okay, I'm in. What do you want me to do?"

  "The least risky thing—play lookout outside the chem building while we install the prank. That way if we get caught, you can get away."

  "But—"

  "No buts, Ellie. I can handle more risk than you can. Be ready to move when I call you. We'll strike when the time is right."

  Chapter Ten

  It was just after eleven when Dex dropped me off. Early. Bre, ever conscientious, texted me not to expect her back until tomorrow. Alone in my room I had too much time to think about what Logan was up to with the brunette. Why did it hurt so badly to think he'd moved on so fast?

  In a petulant moment, I cursed him, wishing him ugly babies if he ever married the brunette. Which, if I'd been rational, wasn't really fair to the babies. Sins of the fathers. I wondered what my dad had done that I deserved this misery.

  I worked on a chem lab report, but finally gave up around one. We had a sink in our room, but the bathroom was two doors down. I brushed my teeth and washed my face, then changed into my PJs and robe. I was just reaching for the doorknob when the rhythmic thumping began in the hall just outside my door.

  I froze. It was followed by the unmistakable sounds of sex. "Oh, oh, oh! More! Harder!"

  I was trapped in my room by another girl's passion. An unreasonable sense of rage washed over me. I had no date. I couldn't have the man I wanted, not even as a friend. That man, the one I ached for, was out with another girl, maybe banging her at this very minute. I was prone to imagining the worst. It was a character flaw of mine. And ever since Austin, it was all too easy to fall into—along with self-pity.

  Enraged at the unfairness of life, I pounded my door. "Hey! I'm here and I hear you. And I have to pee. I'm giving you two minutes to finish and then I'm coming out."

  More frantic thumping was followed by a groan.

  I started counting. "Ten, nine, eight—"

  "Shut up, bitch!" a drunken male voice yelled.

  Nice. "Nice name to call your date. Next time get a room," I yelled back.

  A fist pounded my door from the hallway so hard the door shuddered. My heart raced. I feared the ass out there was going to break it down. I grabbed my cell and one of Bre's golf clubs.

  "Is that the campus police I hear coming?" I had my cell, ready to dial 911.

  I heard some scuffling. Then the door at the end of the hall into the stairway slammed.

  I took a deep breath and counted to ten slowly before cautiously opening the door. When I looked out, the hall was empty. I made my bathroom run and climbed into bed, emotionally exhausted. I drifted off to sleep, thinking of Logan.

  And fell into a beautiful dream. I was on a dock at a beach house on a lake at night. I lay on a beach towel on my back with my hair fanning out around me and the straps of a white bikini untied at my neck. As a full moon rose over the lake, it lit the lake and my bikini, even my pale skin, until they glowed pearlescent and magical.

  The lake lapped softly against the dock, gently bouncing me and rocking the boat tethered next to me rhythmically. The air held a tang of lake and falling dew. Overhead the stars came out one by one, creating a constellation before my eyes until Sagittarius sparkled directly overhead. Miraculously, I could see the archer clearly in the pattern of stars, half gorgeous man, half horse, tall and proud with his long hair streaming behind him. His bow was pointed directly at my heart like cupid's arrow.

  I heard footsteps coming toward me up the dock from the shore. When they stopped, Logan stood over me, silhouetted in the moon. He stripped off his shirt. His skin glowed, too—only his tattoo remained a dark shadow of design. He eased to his knees over me. As he straddled me, he kissed my nose, my lips, then his lips were hot against my neck.

  His kisses traveled down to this rise of my breasts. As he peeled back the strings of my bikini, my breasts budded in the night air, pointing toward the stars, aching for his touch. My breath caught as he bent and gently kissed them, as his mouth opened around them and his tongue circled them, licking until I moaned. Pleasure like I'd never felt before built between my legs with tight, pulsing intensity. I needed his touch. I needed him and arched up against him. Just as he slipped his hands beneath my bikini bottom, I woke with a start to the sounds of rhythmic banging and moaning in the room next to mine and a burning pain in my bellybutton.

  I flipped on the light. My bellybutton was red and inflamed, which seemed like a metaphor for everything that was going wrong in my life. I almost ripped the ring out right then.

  My hand hovered over it, but I couldn't make myself pull it out.

  The office was in chaos when I arrived on Monday. Karen wasn't at her desk. The phones were ringing unanswered. Jason was in his office, and was that a baby crying?

  I grabbed the phone and took the call. One of the classrooms in the ag building was having trouble with their sound system. Just as I called up the RTA schedule and dispatched Gary to handle the situation, Jason stepped out of his office with a crying baby on his shoulder. My heart stopped as I realized I was looking at my baby sister for the first time.

  She was propped with her back to me over Jason's shoulder as he patted and bounced her. All I could see was a nice, round head with a mass of light hair. She had a set of lungs on her, that was for sure.

  "Reinforcements at last." The relief on his face was almost comical.

  "Is that the baby?" I walked over to get a look at her.

  "The very same. I don't know what's wrong with her. She usually likes this position. I've fed her. Changed her. Burped her. And still she screams." He glanced at his watch. "And I have a meeting in ten minutes." He looked harried. "Lyssa has an important meeting she couldn't miss and the nanny called in sick at the last minute."

  "Poor baby." I rubbed my hand on her little back. She seemed to calm some. "Where's Karen?"

  "At the dentist. She should be back soon. I was hoping she'd be back sooner." He bounced the baby. "I've been hoping futilely for a lot of things, like for Mia to fall asleep." He sounded really frazzled.

  "I'll watch Mia for you while you go to your meeting. I'm good with babies." I held out my arms to take her.

  That was when the worried new dad look crossed his face. He was protective of his baby and not sure he could trust me. It cut me to my core. He'd never looked that way over me. He didn't even know he wasn't a new dad, but a dad of long standing. A dad who should have the wisdom of years of parenting. One of those dads who gladly hands the kid off to reliable help. I was jealous and sad at the same time. No dad had ever been protective of me. I'd had to sail through the years when a girl wants to adore her daddy completely emp
ty-handed.

  "I worked in my friend's mom's daycare for two years helping out summers when I was in high school. I'm a certified babysitter. I took the training and have the certificate to prove it."

  He looked sheepish, like I'd caught him in his insecurities and doubt. Like he could trust me with the office, but not with the baby. He glanced at his watch again. "This isn't in your job description."

  "Don't worry. I won't file a formal complaint." I held my arms out for her again.

  He reluctantly handed her over. "Mia, this is Ellie," he cooed to her.

  I hadn't expected to be introduced to my sister this way. When I took her in my arms, her face was red and contorted from screaming. She was anything but a beautiful baby just then, but a wave of love for her washed over me. "Aren't you beautiful," I cooed to her, because she was to me. "You're just a gorgeous girl."

  I held her in front of me with her head cradled in my hands, bouncing her in my arms. She quieted and looked up at me, tears standing in her eyes and running down her chubby baby cheeks.

  For a minute, her little mouth screwed up like she was going to scream again. I smiled at her and made fish lips. Babies love fish lips. To my delight, she smiled back and made a cooing sound.

  "We're going to get along just fine." I glanced at Jason.

  He looked stunned and relieved. "That's amazing."

  "Told you I'm good with babies. Where are her supplies?"

  "I'll grab her diaper bag." He disappeared into his office.

  I simply stared at Mia, cooing at her as she cooed back to me in her cute baby voice. It may sound completely stupid and narcissistic, but I think, on some level at least, she recognized me. Recognized me as family where my father didn't.

  Jason reappeared with a diaper bag, a rocking car seat, and a computer bag. He set the diaper bag and car seat next to me at my desk, still looking amazed that Mia was suddenly so happy. "Do you think you can handle the office and Mia until I get back?"

  Just then the door to the office swung open and Logan strolled into our warm, familial scene.

  Jason let out a breath of relief and smiled in Logan's direction. "Looks like you won't have to. Reinforcements have arrived."

  Logan spotted Mia and me. He flashed me a quick, uncertain smile and walked over to coo over Mia. "Hey, baby, hey." He shook her little finger while I wished he would talk sweet like that to me. I wanted to be his baby.

  "Logan, you're on dispatch today until Karen or I get back. Ellie's on childcare duty." Jason bent and brushed a kiss on Mia's forehead. "Behave yourself, Mia." He used that baby talk voice adults use around babies that sounds ridiculous in any other situation. "She likes to be rocked in her car seat. If she looks like she's getting sleepy, strap her in and rock her. It's about her naptime. I'll be back as soon as I can."

  "We'll be fine," I reassured him.

  And then he was off and it was just Mia, Logan, me, and an uncomfortable silence. My heart pounded. I hadn't been this close to him in nearly two months. And although time supposedly heals all, it hadn't put a damper on the physical pull I felt toward him. I told myself a hundred times a day that pining after Logan was stupid. But my heart didn't listen. And now my body was ignoring me, too.

  Logan dropped his backpack next to the desk where I sat with Mia and pulled up Karen's chair. He rolled it next to us. I didn't look at him, but I was keenly aware of him.

  "She's a beauty," he said.

  "She's perfect." I studied Mia's tiny, perfect hands as she wrapped her baby fingers around one of mine. Her fingers were long and slender—really long like mine were, and slightly crooked like mine, too. Characteristic. For an instant I panicked, thinking the similarity was so obvious anyone could see it. Fearing Logan would realize we were sisters because of our fingers. I told myself that was silly and forced myself to calm down as I jiggled my finger as Mia held on and Logan remained unaware.

  Mia kicked and waved her hands. Her bootie flew off, revealing her tiny foot and toes. Her baby toe was short and stubby and curled in just like mine. Another dead giveaway if anyone cared to look. Fortunately, the weather had cooled. I was wearing boots. No one could see my toes.

  I hadn't expected to get so emotional on meeting my sister, but I felt this well of pride and love. Tears formed and blurred my vision. Sitting next to Logan admiring my sister, I had a vision of Logan and me doting over our baby. But that would never be.

  Logan was staring at me. I'd dropped my guard, forgetting for a second how easily he read me. He leaned over, picked up Mia's bootie, and handed it to me. "You okay? You seem choked up. You must really love babies."

  I didn't answer, just took Mia's little foot in my hand, pressed the bottom of it to my lips, and blew a raspberry. She laughed and kicked as I wrangled her bootie on her.

  And then in that quicksilver way babies have of going from full-on to off, Mia yawned.

  "You are fighting sleep, aren't you, tiny thing?" I turned to Logan. "Put the handle back and pull back the straps so I can put her in her car seat."

  He did as I asked. I gently laid and strapped her in. Mia yawned again, making a baby squeak. Sometimes I squeaked, too, when I yawned. I wondered if I was looking too hard for similarities or were squeaky yawns genetically programmed? After being an only child for so long, I couldn't get past the novelty of having a sister. As I leaned over her, gently rocking the seat and smiling and cooing at her some more I noticed her earlobes were attached like mine and Jason's. "There's a good girl. Go to sleep."

  As I rocked her gently, her eyes opened and closed like a doll's with each back and forth, getting heavier and heavier, opening less and less far each time. Why do babies fight sleep?

  "How've you been?" Logan asked.

  Terrible, I thought. Depressed and lonely without you. I shrugged. "All right."

  "I saw you at Spiro's." His tone was purely conversational, disappointingly so.

  I hated the way he masked his emotions with such apparent ease. But I admired his courage. He was a brave man to get the taboo topic out in the open.

  I fought to keep my tone casual, like no big deal. "Yeah, I was there with my study group."

  "It didn't look like studying to me." There was enough of a tease in his voice that I nearly missed the slight undertone of jealousy.

  Or maybe I was just being optimistic.

  "We were drowning our sorrows in pizza after getting our midterm results from the class that shall not be named."

  "That bad?"

  "Worse."

  He was silent a minute. "Do you always drown your sorrows by necking with your study partner?" Logan was the rare breed of person to whom charm and charisma were second nature. But this time he was trying too hard to be glib.

  I could have said something sassy and snide. But for some unfathomable reason, I didn't. "That was just Dex joking around. He's a surprisingly good kisser."

  That aching, frustrated longing from my dream welled up as I got a whiff of Logan's cologne. I concentrated on Mia, smiling at her as I rocked her, wishing I were alone with her so I could tell her who I really was at least once. "How was your date?"

  "Fine. Average."

  It broke my heart that he didn't bother denying it.

  "There was no spark." It was a simple statement of fact.

  "Sorry." But I wasn't.

  He leaned over and smiled at Mia, but his charm was lost on her. Her eyes were mostly closed now. She'd settled down and was quiet and drowsy, content as I rocked her.

  "Are you wearing a different perfume? You smell different."

  Part of me was ecstatic he remembered how my perfume smelled. Part of me was confused. "No, just one of my regulars." Then it hit me. "You're smelling the tea tree oil. It's for my bellybutton piercing. To help it heal. It was getting infected."

  Nic had taken me to town to the tattoo and piercing parlor on Sunday to buy some.

  "It's nice. It smells good."

  I laughed. I couldn't help myself.

  "What
?"

  "Cut the BS. Tea tree oil isn't used in perfume for a reason." It doesn't smell bad. Just tangy and a bit medicinal. That's why you don't find it as a key scent in perfumes. There's no woodsy or floral undertone of tea tree oil.

  Mia's eyes shut. She let out an adorable little hiccough and snuffle, the kind babies make when they've been crying too long and finally settle down.

  "I've missed you, El," Logan whispered.

  My heart skipped a beat. "I missed you, too, Logan."

  I stared at Mia. It was no good. I had to work out my family situation before I could get involved with Logan. But I also had to know. "But it's no good. I'm still dealing with stuff." I paused, searching for the right words. "You're seeing other girls." I bit my lip. "Does that mean you've worked out your issues?"

  "No." He shook his head softly for emphasis. He didn't elaborate.

  "Dad's Weekend is less than a month away," he said, changing the subject out of the blue. "The week after Halloween. My dad's coming this year." His snort was full of derision.

  "You don't want him to come?" I wish my dad just knew I existed. I'd love for him to come to the football game with me and hang out and do father/daughter stuff.

  "Hell no."

  I held my finger to my lips. "Shhhh." I pointed to the baby.

  Logan lowered his voice. "He's just coming to check up on me. To make sure I'm walking the straight and narrow. Not drinking too much. Keeping my grades up. Dating the right girls."

  My curiosity was aroused. "Have you dated the wrong girls in the past?"

  "Dating isn't the right word," he said, sounding cagey and evasive. "But yeah. Let's just say Dad wasn't pleased with my behavior and took care of things."

  "Wow! Controlling." I didn't like the sound of his dad.

  "Not as much as you'd think."

  He was speaking in riddles.

  "It would really make him happy when he comes if I was dating a nice, sweet girl, the kind he'd approve of. And it would get him off my ass."