The New Samurai

  So I asked when he was going to introduce her to everyone – and why she hadn’t turned up for their date. Then he handed me his phone.

  I was like, What? You want me to phone your girlfriend and ask her? But, no, it was stranger than that… because Manaka is an app on his phone! I’m totally serious!

  Apparently it’s a really big cult thing in Japan at the moment. You get a choice of three different ‘personalities’ and there are thousands of pre-recorded messages, so you can have short ‘conversations’ with your ‘girlfriend’; she’ll send you text messages and emails – and the place in Atami that I mentioned is where anyone with the Love Plus app can go to ‘meet’ their girlfriend and have their photo taken with her.

  Keith – it sounds perfect for you. And I’m seriously considering it for myself. I’m sure you’ll approve, Sylvie, I mean, how much trouble can I get into with a virtual girlfriend? The only problem is, would this mean I’ve lost the bet? Julie – over to you!

  Love Plus haiku

  Women are chips

  Driven by computers.

  Slightly, my chances increase.

  Sayonara!

  Sam was just hurrying out to teach his last evening class before the summer break. The humidity was oppressive, even at this time of day, but at least the language school had air-con in the classrooms. They also insisted that their teachers dress formally, no matter the season. Sam’s tie was in his backpack for now, but he doubted his shirt would still be looking crisp by the time he had walked the four blocks to the college.

  “Hi, Sam!”

  He turned to find Tara grinning at him.

  “Tara! Hey! When did you get back?” he asked. “Did you have a good time?”

  He couldn’t help noticing that she looked even more stunning, her newly acquired tan contrasting with the fairness of her hair and the blueness of her eyes.

  “Flew in early this morning,” she said, yawning. “Yeah, we went out to the islands and did some snorkelling around the coral reefs. It was amazing. You’d have loved it.”

  “Sounds great,” he said smiling at her happy expression. “Er, I’m teaching now but… would you like to go and get a beer later?”

  She stared at him and then laughed. “I should go away more often!”

  Sam frowned, not sure whether that meant she was blowing him off, too. Women never seemed to do – or say – what he thought they were going to. It got very confusing.

  Tara smiled crookedly at his expression. “Sure, I’d love to get a beer later,” she clarified.

  Sam smiled in relief, then sketched a wave as he sped out the door.

  Thankfully the lesson passed relatively quickly. The students were relaxed and eager for their summer break, the classroom cooler than the air outside; it made it almost a pleasure to be there – if Sam hadn’t been so eager for it to end.

  It had been hard to concentrate, knowing that Tara would be waiting for him. His whole body felt alert, like it was being stretched over piano wires.

  But when he got to the bar where they’d agreed to meet, she wasn’t alone. Seated around the table were Helen and Malcolm with Paul and Yoshi.

  Tara threw him an apologetic smile. “Looks like we all got back at the same time,” she said, raising an eyebrow.

  Sam hid his disappointment, and sat down next to Helen who gave him a hug.

  Malcolm was being entertained by Yoshi’s singular conversation; Helen was a sort of cultural interpreter between the two of them.

  “You big man in Wales, Malcolm-san?” said Yoshi.

  “I’m not big anywhere, boyo, except where the sun don’t shine on the meat and two veg,” said Malcolm.

  “Er… Yoshi wants to know if you have an important job, not whether you’re tall for a Welshman,” said Helen, choking on her beer.

  “Right you are!” said Malcolm.

  Sam was glad to see that Paul and Tara seemed to be on friendly terms, too, chatting easily about her holiday.

  When Yoshi wandered off to order a round of beer, there was a lull in the conversation and Sam politely asked Malcolm how he was liking Japan.

  “I can see the attraction, why Helen loves it,” said Malcolm, smiling hugely. “It’s a bit crazy, a bit weird, a bit off kilter – just like her, really. She’s always marched to the beat of her own drum, has my Helen.”

  He looked at her proudly and Helen laughed, although she also looked a little embarrassed.

  “So now seems like a good time to tell them, don’t you think, bach?” Malcolm said to his wife.

  “I suppose so,” she said, smiling indulgently. He held her hand and she squeezed his tightly. “Malcolm has decided to come out and live here in Japan with me for a couple of months,” she announced. “Then we’re going to go off travelling. We’re going to have a grown-up gap year together.”

  “Good on you!” said Tara. “That’s brilliant, mate!” She punched Malcolm on the shoulder and gave Helen a huge hug.

  “Way to go, Malc!” said Paul, pumping his hand furiously.

  “Banzai!” shouted Yoshi, sloshing beer as he thumped six bottles on the table, then he caught Malcolm in a bear hug that would have gladdened the heart of a sumo wrestler.

  While Malcolm shook hands with everyone and Yoshi thumped him vigorously on the back, Helen gave Sam a quick kiss on the cheek.

  “Thanks for everything,” she said, softly. “Thanks for listening. This has worked out better than I could have imagined!”

  “I’m really pleased for you, Helen,” he said, smiling. “You deserve it.”

  “And I’m sorry we gate-crashed your… date with Tara,” she said, dropping her voice to a whisper.

  Sam grimaced. “It wasn’t a date exactly…”

  Helen rolled her eyes.

  “We must party celebrate!” shouted Yoshi excitedly. “I teach you nomikai no kouru!”

  Sam’s Japanese wasn’t up to the challenge of interpretation and from the look on Paul and Tara’s faces, they were equally clueless. Helen, however, smiled.

  “He wants to teach us a Japanese drinking song,” she said.

  “Game on!” said Paul.

  “Cymru am byth!” said Malcolm, raising his glass.

  Yoshi’s song didn’t seem to make much sense, except to him. No-one could work out the rules except that it involved drinking large quantities of beer as quickly as possible. Yoshi was overcome with hilarity and the more puzzled his friends looked, the harder he laughed. In the end Malcolm threatened to teach him ‘Men of Harlech’, but that was too much for Paul, who instead insisted that they have a sake-and-beer relay race.

  “You can’t start your drink till the first one on your team has finished theirs,” he said. “So one beer and one sake each. Losers buy the next round!”

  It was Tara, Helen and Malcolm versus Paul, Yoshi and Sam.

  “You are going to get wiped!” claimed Tara.

  “You getting big whipping!” sang Yoshi.

  “On your marks… get set… go!” shouted Malcolm.

  Helen threw her sake down her throat, Malcolm chugged his beer and Tara downed a glass of sake in something less than a second, throwing a triumphant look at Paul, who’d been held up while Yoshi drank his beer as quickly as he could, even though at least a quarter of it had been spilled down his shirt.

  “Suckers!” she called.

  Round two went the same way; by this time Yoshi was looking a little pink-cheeked.

  Tara took pity on him and suggested they have a break from relay races. “I’ve got another game we could try,” she said. “It’s called ‘I have never’.”

  “What have you never?” said Yoshi, whose eyes were slightly unfocused.

  “That’s the name of the game, you dill!” she said, smiling. “Everyone has to come up with something outrageous and if you’ve never done it, you have to have a glass of sake; if you have done it, you can skip that round. Winner is the last man – or woman – standing.”

  “I have never wrestled grizzly
bear!” yelled Yoshi.

  Everyone laughed.

  “Now we all drink!” crowed Yoshi happily.

  “I’m not sure he’s got the hang of it,” whispered Helen.

  “Oh, I don’t know,” said Malcolm. “This could be fun. We’d better get a bottle of that sake though.”

  “Okay, I’ll start,” said Tara, when Malcolm returned with a full bottle of the clear-coloured but highly alcoholic rice wine. “I have never gone a week without showering.”

  “Too easy!” said Paul. “Anyone who’s ever been camping will have done that.”

  Yoshi looked puzzled, then knocked back his sake.

  “Uh oh,” said Helen, looking at Malcolm. “I think we’re going to be carrying Yoshi out of here at this rate.” Yoshi giggled. “Okay, my turn,” she said. “I have never been engaged or married.” She looked smug and Malcolm grinned.

  “That’s cheating!” said Tara, pointing an accusing finger at the happy couple.

  Muttering under her breath about untrustworthy pommies, she sunk her sake at the same time as Paul and Yoshi. Everyone looked at Sam, whose drink was still untouched. He shrugged.

  “Sure, when I was 21 – for about a month. I never even got the ring back.”

  Paul looked shocked and Tara raised her eyebrows. Helen just laughed and shook her head.

  “My turn,” said Malcolm, a wicked expression on his face. “I have never worn handcuffs!”

  After they explained handcuffs to Yoshi, he drank another shot of sake, but he was the only one. Nobody offered to explain the whys and wherefores of their mutual incarcerations.

  “Okay,” said Paul, “I have never had sex with my teacher: and that means somebody you were taught by at school – not just someone who is a teacher.”

  Tara, Yoshi, Helen and Malcolm sank their sakes. Paul looked smug and bumped fists with Sam, whose glass also remained full.

  “You galahs had better be telling the truth in this game!” said Tara, suspiciously.

  “Would I lie to you?” said Paul.

  “Yup,” said Tara.

  “But I’m not,” said Paul, smiling broadly. “She was my tenth-grade teacher and her name was Marjorie Sawicki. We went on this school outing to the recycling centre and…”

  “Enough information!” yelped Tara. Then she looked at Sam. “Are you telling the truth?”

  He smiled. “Sure, but I’d have to be a lot more drunk than this to tell you that story.”

  She looked at him speculatively. “Hmm, is that so?”

  “My turn,” he said. “I have never been arrested.”

  Everyone raised their glasses except Sam and Malcolm.

  “I don’t believe you, Sam!” shrieked Helen. “I thought you were such a good boy! It’s always the quiet ones.” She patted Tara on the arm. Sam just grinned at her.

  Now they were back to Yoshi. His round face was flushed and happy, his eyes were closed and with a soft sigh, he slid back in his seat.

  “I think we should get him back to the hostel,” said Sam, still smiling.

  “No way!” cried Tara, looking at the others. “We can’t let Sam get away with this, can we?”

  “Yeah, buddy!” said Paul. “You’re gonna pay for that last round!”

  “Do your worst,” said Sam, leaning back, “but all of you have got to join in, too.”

  Helen blinked and said she was definitely going to sit out this round. She had a feeling the stakes were about to get raised.

  “Okay,” said Tara, up for the challenge. She thought hard. “I have never lied about myself to get laid.”

  “Aw, hell,” said Paul, and sat back with his arms crossed.

  Sam laughed but didn’t raise his glass either.

  “You lied to get laid!” said Tara, sounding outraged as she knocked back her sake at the same time as Malcolm. “Tell us!”

  Sam shook his head. “Nope: that’s not in the rules.”

  “Oh, come on, buddy,” said Paul. “You can’t leave us hanging like that.” He smirked at Tara. “You’ll give her sleepless nights.”

  Sam shrugged. “Okay. I said I was 16. I wasn’t.”

  Helen giggled and Malcolm looked impressed. Paul was staring at him in a calculating manner. Tara looked like she was trying to decide whether or not to laugh.

  “My turn,” said Paul, aggressively. “I’ve never had sex on an airplane!”

  Sam raised his glass and finally drank his sake, up-turning the empty glass onto the table. They all cheered. Tara drank her sake, too, and a sheepish Paul did the same. Malcolm, however, didn’t. Curious eyes were turned on Helen, who was blushing.

  “I don’t believe you guys!” yelped Tara.

  “We were coming back from a second honeymoon in Malaga,” said Malcolm, happily.

  Paul looked a bit miffed.

  Malcolm laughed and, with a glance at Helen, moved quickly on to the next question. “I have never farted and blamed it on a pet!” he said.

  “Malc!” said Helen, covering her hand with her mouth and laughing.

  Tara picked up her glass: she was the only one. “You guys are gross!” she said. “I hope you’re not going to be even more gross,” she said, looking at Sam.

  He raised one eyebrow. “Is that a challenge?”

  “No!” she half yelled, half laughed.

  He smiled, his eyes glinting in the bar’s dim light. “Okay, not too gross. Um… I’ve never been paid for sex.”

  A great shout of laughter erupted from Malcolm. “That’s the best question yet, Sam!”

  Helen looked shocked and Tara glared at him.

  Paul was laughing. “Wish I could say ‘yes’! but sadly my talents have been overlooked.” He drank his sake in one, swift movement and wiped his mouth with his sleeve.

  At that moment Yoshi struggled to sit up, looking rather green.

  “Uh oh,” said Tara, hurriedly, “I think this game is over: we’d better get him outside.”

  Paul and Sam heaved Yoshi to his feet and, supporting his weight between them, they weaved out of the bar. Helen looked a bit unsteady, too, but Malcolm was in fine spirits and insisted on teaching Tara ‘Men of Harlech’, as he’d threatened.

  Eventually they got back to the hostel, Yoshi slung between them like a hunting trophy. Malcolm and Helen waved them goodnight and meandered off on their own, back to their hotel.

  “You’d better hit the sack, buddy,” said Paul to Yoshi, his voice amused.

  Yoshi just smiled, his eyes still closed.

  “Yep, I’ll be hitting the hay now, too,” said Tara, casting a regretful look at Sam. “See you in the morning?” It sounded like a question.

  Sam smiled. “Sounds good. Sleep well.”

  “And by the way,” said Tara, “I’ll be expecting an answer to that last question you asked in the bar!”

  Sam laughed. “Nope! Definitely not in the rule book – another time though?”

  She smiled and waved goodnight.

  By this time Yoshi was a dead weight. They dragged him to his room and Sam held him propped up against the door, whilst Paul cleared a space on the floor and unrolled the futon. Then they unloaded him gently, manoeuvring him to the recovery position. Sam thoughtfully fetched a large bowl from the hostel’s kitchen, placing it by his head. Just in case.

  Paul wound his way down the corridor and crashed through the door of his room. Sam heard a thump, followed by loud cursing. He smiled to himself, then rolled out his futon, pulled off his clothes and passed out.

  The basement pool was crowded by the time Sam dragged himself down there in the morning, several hours later than usual. He swam a few desultory laps, dodging the swimmers who were treating it more like a jacuzzi than a pool, before giving up and heading for the showers.

  He’d only just rinsed off the chlorine when he heard someone calling his name. He was surprised to see Paul waiting for him in the changing rooms, looking like he’d just been dragged out of bed wearing the same rumpled clothes from the night before ?
?? which was probably the case; he was clearly ill at ease.

  “What’s up, Paul?”

  “Er, I thought I’d better come warn you… there’s someone here to see you.”

  Sam frowned. He couldn’t think of any reason why someone from the language school management should want to see him. Maybe it was a student. That would explain Paul’s discomfort: no fraternising was a strict rule – one you could get fired for flouting.

  “I told her to wait in your room. Sorry, buddy. I didn’t know what else to do.”

  “Who is it?” said Sam, towelling himself hurriedly.

  “She said her name was Elle,” said Paul, uncomfortably. “I figured she must be the girlfriend you mentioned.”

  For a second, Sam froze. What the hell was she doing in Tokyo?

  “Sorry,” muttered Paul again. “Do you want me to tell her I couldn’t find you?”

  Sam hesitated, then shook his head. “No, it’s fine. I can talk to her.”

  He threw on a pair of jeans and pulled a T-shirt over his wet hair.

  “She’s a real looker,” said Paul, thoughtfully.

  “Hmm,” said Sam.

  When he opened the door to his room, she was gazing out of his tiny window. She turned and smiled.

  “Hello, darling. Surprise!”

  She looked beautiful. Her long, honey-coloured hair hung loose over her shoulders, her light summer dress enhancing her petite, hourglass figure.

  “Hi, Elle. How are you?” he said, his voice neutral.

  “All the better for seeing you!”

  She stepped forward and kissed him lightly on both cheeks. He returned the kiss quickly, the scent of her perfume bringing back a torrent of memories.