Have a New Kid by Friday

  When your child is punching walls, he’s most likely a child who has been angry for a lot of his life. I’ve got news for you. This type of behavior isn’t an easy fix because the anger has been brewing for a long time. Oftentimes embarrassed parents try to deal with this situation at home. But what that child needs is some professional help. (And I’m not just saying this because I’m a psychologist and I need to make a buck. I’m saying it becauseit’s the truth.) These are the children who are so angry and volatile that they could go off the deep end and hurt someone else. You read about them in the news, and if you don’t handle the situation appropriately and immediately, your child could be making his own news.

  Does this mean that you don’t do anything at home with the situation? Of course not. First you need to say, “We are not tolerating this behavior in our house.” The problem is that the behavior is so fixed by now that it’s like the grain in a plank of wood. It goes one way and can’t change. You can wax it, polish it, or paint it, but the grain stays the same direction. That’s why it’s so important to train a child to love, respect, and be a member of the family when he’s young.

  So please get some professional help for your child to work through his anger issues. But don’t let him get away scot-free at home either. Your child should be working to make the money it will take to repair the holes in the walls. If he doesn’t have a part-time job to do that, then suspend his allowance until the repairs are paid out of it. Also remember that “B doesn’t happen until A is completed.” That means you don’t drive him to a friend’s house when he says, “I’m not going to counseling.” Counseling is the one thing you need to insist he goes to, for his sake—and for the rest of the family’s.

  Don’t back down on this mountain.

  Putting Each Other Down

  “You’re a—”

  “No, you’re a—”

  “I’m telling Mom!”

  Does this sound familiar in your house?

  Children will put each other down. What’s the purposive nature of the behavior? To make themselves look better—and to get your attention. As children get older, sometimes the put-downs are more subtle, but they’re put-downsall the same.

  Put-downs are a form of fighting. In order to fight, two people have to be involved. To end the put-down game, take both children to a room and tell them that neither of them is coming out until this thing gets worked out to your satisfaction. That means the children don’t exit that room until they show that they’ve reached an agreement and apologized to each other. Then life outside that room can go on.

  What are you teaching those children? That they need to resolve their own battles; you are not going to be Big Mama Gorilla, who sits on her youngsters to solve their skirmishes. Your children need to learn they are responsible for their actions and their words.

  You’re saying, “In this family, we’re not going to tolerate putdowns or name-calling. We’re a family. That means we support each other. That means when you want to be in a play, we support you and go see you in that play. When your sister plays soccer, we support her and go to her games. That’s what family is all about. When you put each other down, that hurts everyone. And it breaks down our family.”

  Do not tolerate put-downs in your family. Period.

  Respect

  This is a fundamental issue for all families. Without respect, there is no family. You’re simply people living together in one building and doing your own thing when you wantto do it. Responsibility, accountability, and respect are what make a family a family.

  When you hold a child accountable for being respectful of you and other members of the family, you are being respectful of him. After all, if a young man doesn’t learn to respect his mother, who is he going to bring home to marry someday? A woman he can dominate and wipe his feet on. And if a daughter isn’t respectful of her father, what kind of view will she have of the other men in her life, including her boss at work? She’ll marry a guy she can push around. Her disrespect for her male supervisor will not only get her in trouble; it may get her fired.

  A parent’s outlook on life is transmitted to the children. That means we as parents need to think about our words before we say them. Are they ones we’d want our child to remember? Or are they words spoken in haste that aren’t respectful? We need to remember that every member of the family gets a vote on family activities. That doesn’t mean your child runs the family, but part of being a family member is the perk of getting a say in things.

  When you listen to your child’s opinion and care about the things she values, you’re saying, “I value you and respect you. I care about what you think and feel.”

  Respect is a two-way street. If your child isn’t respecting you, take a look at yourself first to see if you’re a part of the problem.

  Most of the time, respect issues stem from the Attitudes, Behavior, and Character of one or both parents.

  I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s the truth. I said up front that there will be times in this book when you won’t like what I have to say. This is one of those times. But please hear me out, for your family’s sake. You are the key to your child’s behavior. In order to move your child toward respecting you, you have to be willing to make changes in the respect area yourself. Are you, through your words and behaviors, respecting your child? If not, why should she have respect for you? (The old adage is true: would you treat your boss at work the way you treat your spouse and child?) Remember that Attitudes, Behavior, and Character are caught rather than taught. Your child is watching you. What is she learning?

  Parenting is a tough job. You can do eight things well and blow two of them, and those two things take you back to square one with your children. This is when you have to work hard at being carefully consistent—not overreacting, not blowing it. You need to stay the course, to act in a respectful, responsible manner yourself. For example, what is your child learning if you bark out, “You have to go to church. It’s good for you!” but then you drop the child off at church and go out for coffee?

  Your child is watching your Attitude, your Behavior, and your Character. If things aren’t in line at home with the image you project to others, your child will be the first one to spot the dissonance.

  Saying one thing and doing another will set up the framework for disrespect in your home. Strive for consistency and calm, rational behavior. No yelling, no “I told you,” no “If you don’t . . .” Your children need to see by your actions that things are different in your life. That you are changing for the good. Yes, you still may mess up and blow it at times. After all, you’re human. But when you do, you need to go to your child and apologize for your behavior.

  If you want a respectful child, you need to be respectful.

  Retention in School (Kindergarten through Third Grade)

  For years, parents have looked down on the notion of holding kids back in school. Somehow we’re worried it’ll damage their psyche—their self-concept, their self-esteem. That doing so will embarrass the child.

  All of this is a pack of lies. The reality is that all kids grow and learn at different rates. Two 5-year-olds who start kindergarten can be completely different physically, psychologically, and educationally. One could be 28 pounds; the other could be 50 pounds. One could look forward to starting school; theother might still be clinging to Mama. One could know her ABCs; the other might not have a clue.

  We parents are funny creatures. We don’t have a problem if a child is able to excel in baseball or draw a horse at 5 years old while another is not. But we do have a problem when a child doesn’t learn her ABCs at the same rate as another child.

  Just as there needs to be readiness for potty training, there needs to be readiness for school. Some 5-year-olds are ready for kindergarten both academically and socially. Other children should wait until they are 6 to start kindergarten. Some children are ready to go on to first grade after a year of kindergarten. Others need another year of kindergarten.

 
It’s important for parents to take the long view. We retained our youngest, Lauren, in kindergarten. By seventh grade she was way past high school level on the standardized tests.

  Over the years, there have been many critics of retention in school, mainly because of the fear that a child will be embarrassed or lose his friends. But such concerns do not register highly for a child at a young age—unless the parent makes them register. Explaining to a child the decision to retain him is all in the presentation. “You know, Andy, how you’re frustrated with learning how to write your letters?” (Child nods and starts to look sad.) “Well, Mrs. Miller and I were talking. She’d love to have you again next year. In fact, she has plans to teach the ABCs in a different way. She’s going to have a jungle theme, and each child will get to be a different animal. Doesn’t that sound like fun?” If a child hears a positive interpretation from you (and not your mutterings and fears behind the scenes), he’ll be positive about being retained in school.

  When you retain a child in school, you’re doing him a great service. You’re giving him a chance to learn the basic academic behaviors required for a certain grade level. If you pass that child on to the next grade level and he doesn’t have those skills, you’re being disrespectful of him (and setting him up to fail). The respectful thing to do is to hold a child accountable for where he is in the learning process.

  A special note for those of you who are parents of boys: in general, boys tend to grow up slower and often need that extra year to mature and grow up before going to kindergarten. When does this really pay off? In their junior year of high school, when they’re in competitive sports and at the top of their game! I always pointed out to Lauren that she’ll get to drive when she’s a sophomore in high school. Most of her friends will have to wait until they’re juniors. And that’s something a teenager can smile about.

  If you have a later-born child (born anytime from August through December), you’re much smarter to wait a year to start kindergarten. Lauren’s birthday is August 22, so she was very young going into kindergarten the first go-around. That’s why she needed another run.

  If you’re worried that your child will look like a failure, then your thinking is all about you (you’re afraid of what your friends will say about your child and your failure in child-rearing) and not in your child’s best interest. Karen, a single mom, threw a fit in the principal’s office when he suggested that her daughter, Mandy, be held for another year in first grade. But then the principal said to her, “How would you feel if you were taking a course where everyone else knew the basics, but you didn’t? Wouldn’t you feel a little lost and scared all the time? Like you couldn’t measure up?”

  Yet that’s what some parents do to their children all the time. They push them forward, even when they shouldn’t, and call it social promotion. That’s what happened to me in school and why I’m such a strong advocate for holding children back when they need it. If I would have been held back in one of the first grades, I would have done much better in school. I would have been more ready for it.

  To 5-year-olds, repeating kindergarten is no big deal. They get to play for a year longer!

  It’s all in your perspective. Wouldn’t you rather retain your child at a younger grade than watch him struggle through school with concepts he’s not ready for?

  If your child needs to be retained in a grade level past third grade, it’s best to look for another school for your child. It softens the blow and the peer pressure for your child to be somewhere new.

  Rolling Eyes

  Children can be so dramatic, can’t they? Especially preteens and teens. They’re masters at the rolling-eye syndrome. It’s their nonverbal way of saying, “Please, not again!” “Dad, you’re embarrassing me. I can’t believe you didthat!”

  When your children roll their eyes, it’s not a mountain. All children roll their eyes. (You do too sometimes!) It’s like saying, “What you just said/did is completely out to lunch. I can’t believe you said/did that.” Rolling your eyes is an attitude, yes, but it’s not the end of the world and won’t affect long-term character. (But talking back and being a smart aleck is another story.)

  Parents, this is not an issue to go to war on. So why not have a little fun with it? The next time you see the eye roll, say, “Oh, that was great. Would you do it again? In slow motion?”

  Treating this attitude and behavior in a lighthearted manner will downplay it when it happens . . . and it might just give you both a well-needed laugh.

  Rudeness

  Children are blunt, and sometimes they can be rude without meaning to. “Why is that lady so fat?” your daughter asks you in the grocery store line . . . and the lady is standing right behind you.

  So when your child makes a rude remark, before you react, ask yourself, Did she really mean to be rude? If it was just an honest, blunt question, say, “Honey, what you just said sounded rude, but I don’t think you meant it that way. Sometimes wesay things that are rude and don’t mean to. I just thought you’d want to know.”

  If the child really was being rude (and you as the parent can usually tell the difference), pull the child aside and say, “What you said just now was rude, and you need to apologize immediately. It was very disrespectful of that person, and in this family we do not show disrespect.” Do not snowplow your child’s road by assisting in the apology either. You may need to walk the child over to the person, but you shouldn’t “help” your child apologize. Your child needs to feel the weight of her rudeness so she’ll think before she says something rude next time.

  Saying Thank You

  Saying thank you is a common courtesy. Everyone should say thank you. That includes parents and children. But saying thank you doesn’t come naturally. Every 2- and 3-year-old couldn’t care less about others unless a parent teaches him to do so. And if 2-year-olds are not taught to say thank you, they won’t automatically learn to say thank you as teens either.

  It always annoys me, as a car-pool dad, when children in my car don’t even say thanks for the ride or for the little surprise treats I sometimes bring them.

  Contrast that to the little girl who was chosen as 1 of 10 children to play as a guest violinist with a local college orchestra. After the performance, that little 6-year-old, of her own accord (no prompting from Mommy), walked up to the director of the orchestra and said, “Thank you for giving me the opportunity to play with you. I loved it. I hope you enjoyed it too.” Theorchestra director was stunned. He waved the mom over and asked, “Do you know what she just said?” After repeating it to the mother, he continued, “I’ve been directing an orchestra for 12 years, and we’ve invited scores of children to play with us for special events. But not one child has ever said thank you . . . until yours.”

  See the impact that a simple thank you can make?

  Don’t be remiss in teaching your children the basics of manners, including saying thank you. That means that until your child says thank you for a gift, life doesn’t go on, and she doesn’t use that gift either. If your child forgets to say thank you for playing at a friend’s home, the answer is no the next time he asks to do so.

  Insist that your child say thank you, and hold him accountable to do so.

  Screaming

  “Her screaming is driving me crazy. I jump up every time I hear it and run out into the yard because I think something’s wrong.”

  You need to understand something basic about child development: young children scream. That’s a given. Children are beginning to explore life, and that includes not only their surroundings but the way their bodies work. Children from 14 months old to 2 years old discover that they have voices. Even more, these delightful voices can create wonderfully high-pitched noises that bring a parent running. It’s quite a game to try it out! It’s like a new toy, and they have to see how it works. So a child tries out one kind of scream to see how his parents will react. If they overreact to the scream, the child will say to himself, Hey, that was fun. I scream and they come runnin
g. They do that funnylittle hand motion and get a funny look in their eyes, and those veins on their necks pop out. Ah, so that’s the game we play and how we play it. Oh, I get it. Let’s do it again. . . .

  Two of the parents I counseled were at their wits’ end with their young child. The kid woke up screaming in the middle of the night and disturbed the entire household of 6 people. The parents had tried everything to keep the child from screaming, and nothing worked. One day the siblings said, “What would happen if we screamed back?” Well, they did just that. The kid looked so startled that the screaming ended in a gurgle. And that was the end of the 3 a.m. screamings in that household. Sometimes unorthodox things work.

  The point is, children will scream. But they won’t continue to scream unless that behavior has paid off. Rushing over to hush them is a way to reinforce that negative behavior because it gives them attention. Unless you overreact, your child won’t see the screaming as a negative behavior.

  That’s why it doesn’t bother me if I see a child 2 years and under screaming. That’s part of his development and body exploration. But if a 9- or 10-year-old is screaming, he’s doing it for a specific reason. He wants to show you who’s in charge. That needs to be nipped in the bud because it has moved from experimentation with how the body works to a respect issue (see “Respect”).

  Selfishness

  Kids, by their nature, are selfish, having little “social interest” in anyone else. We parents ought to take a clue from the first thing they say when they’re born: “Waah!” All they care about is themselves—and whether they’re warm,cuddled, and fed. Life is truly “all about me.” The human species is interesting and different from most other species because it takes a while for a young child to become fully functional (versus this happening much faster in the animal community). For the first year, the child doesn’t usually talk, feed herself, etc. She is completely dependent on Mommy (Dad doesn’t quite have the body parts needed).