Out of Tune

  ‘Don’t you trust me, Ashley?’ he says. ‘C’mon, you know I wouldn’t do anything stupid and get wasted. I’m not an idiot.’

  ‘It’s a little late for that,’ I snap irritably. ‘I’m calling my mom and I’m going home.’

  He leans down to kiss me, but I narrow my eyes at him; he knows he’s not getting out of this that easily. He hesitates before kissing my cheek instead. ‘You know I love you.’

  ‘Yeah. Sure.’

  ‘You mean everything to me, Ashley, you know I wouldn’t do anything stupid like that. Look, if it makes you feel better, then call your mom for a ride home and I’ll crash here. Sam and Neil won’t care. I won’t even drive myself home. Okay?’

  Great, now that makes me sound like the bad guy, and like he’s being so understanding by making some kind of compromise.

  I make a grunt of agreement, but that’s the best he’s getting. Josh sighs, and I can see he doesn’t know what else he can do; he thinks he’s done everything he can to make me stop being mad at him.

  He kisses me softly, and his hands slide under my tank top and sit on my waist. They start to slide higher, but that’s when I pull away. I feel him sigh against my lips as his hands move back down. I know that our friends are always asking when we’re going to finally have sex, and they make a joke of it, but Josh knows I’m still not comfortable with anything like that. He leans his forehead to mine.

  ‘You okay?’ he asks me softly. He knows I’m not, but right now, I’m not in the mood to talk to him. I just want to go home.

  ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Are you sure? I don’t just mean after tonight, Ashley. You seem to be acting kind of weird lately. Really quiet.’

  ‘I’m just tired. I’ve had a lot of homework.’

  ‘Oh. Are you sure that’s all it is? I can see you’re mad about tonight, but did I do something else to make you mad?’

  I nod. ‘Yeah. Everything’s fine.’

  He looks dubious, but seems happy enough to believe me. His lips meet mine again and this time I kiss him back for all of three seconds before stepping away and pushing him away so he’s at arm’s length. He gets the message, and starts to head back downstairs, pausing when he realizes I’m not following.

  ‘Are you coming back downstairs?’

  I nod. ‘Yeah. I’ll just call my mom, and I’ll be right there.’

  ‘Okay.’ He smiles at me again and heads back downstairs with his heavy-footed tread. I hear voices floating up from the lounge.

  ‘ . . . your own house, dude, not here,’ I hear Neil say with a laugh.

  ‘Don’t worry,’ Josh replies, probably not realizing how loudly he’s talking or that his voice is carrying upstairs to where I can hear, ‘she still doesn’t want to.’

  ‘You guys have been together for ages,’ Danielle says. I’m straining to hear her, she doesn’t talk as loudly as the boys. I tiptoe to the top of the staircase to hear better. ‘I don’t see what her problem is. It’s just sex. Isn’t it kind of weird that you haven’t done it yet?’

  ‘It’s a big deal for her,’ Naomi says, and I’m actually surprised that she, of all of them, is defending me. ‘Not everyone wants to put out. If Ashley doesn’t want to have sex, then she doesn’t have to have sex. I know we tease both of you about it sometimes, but it’s no big deal if she doesn’t want to. Josh respects that, don’t you?’

  He grunts, like he’s not so sure. ‘Yeah, but . . .’ He sighs. ‘I just wish she wasn’t so uptight about it.’

  For a second I manage to forget all about how mad I am at him for drinking those beers when he’s supposed to be driving, and I stand there in a state of shock, unable to tune out their voices. Why hadn’t he ever talked to me about this?

  Then they’re talking about the rumor of one of the football guys being on steroids, and there’s nothing more to overhear on the subject.

  I step back from the top of the stairs and lean my head back against the wall for a moment. Do they all think it’s so weird that I don’t want to – to be that intimate with Josh yet? Well, all of them except Naomi, apparently.

  I pull my cell from the front pocket of my jeans and dial my mom’s number.

  ‘Hello?’ Her voice is drowsy, like she’s just woken up. I pull the phone away from my ear to look at the time. It’s just before eleven. I hadn’t realized it was so late already. ‘Ashley? Is everything okay?’

  ‘Hi, Mom. Do you think you could come pick me up, from Neil and Sam’s?’ My voice sounds guilty; I think I woke her up.

  She yawns as if to confirm my thoughts. ‘Oh, I thought Josh was bringing you home?’

  ‘He – he was, but . . . he had a drink so he’s crashing here.’

  ‘Oh. I see. Well, I suppose, but you’ll have to give me ten minutes to get dressed. I was already asleep.’

  ‘Sorry, Mom.’

  ‘No, it’s not your fault.’ Despite the tiredness in her voice, she sounds almost as annoyed about Josh being too inebriated to drive me home as I am.

  ‘I can, um . . . I can call Todd? He’ll still be up.’ I’m usually asleep around eleven on school nights, but whenever I’m up late reading or something, I never see Todd’s bedroom lights go out until midnight at the earliest.

  ‘He’ll still be up,’ I repeat. ‘Sorry, I guess I should’ve called him first. You can go back to sleep.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Mom’s words are muffled by another yawn.

  ‘Yeah. It’s fine, Mom, I’ll call Todd for a ride. Sorry I woke you up.’

  ‘That’s okay. Call me back if he can’t help. Try and be quiet when you get in.’

  I promise I will, and I say goodbye and hang up, then I dial Todd’s number. He picks up on the second ring, and sounds wide awake when he says, ‘Hey, what’s up?’

  ‘Hi. I’m sorry but I really need a huge favor.’

  ‘Sure, what?’

  ‘Could you, um . . . Would you please give me a ride home from Sam and Neil’s house? I’ll give you gas money, I swear.’

  He doesn’t ask questions, which I expect him to, except for, ‘What’s the address?’ and, ‘What time do you want me to come pick you up?’

  ‘Whenever is most convenient for you,’ I reply, not wanting to put him even more out of his way.

  ‘Well I’m not doing anything for the next couple of hours aside from playing Xbox, so you tell me.’

  I consider staying until past midnight, but if I’m being totally honest, I’m not even having that much of a good time here. I bite my lip before answering.

  ‘Is now okay?’

  My cell buzzes and flashes up with a text message from Todd not fifteen minutes later.

  ‘Parked at the end of the street when you’re ready.’

  ‘That’s my cue to leave,’ I announce, and stand up from my spot on the couch next to Danielle.

  ‘See you guys.’

  They say goodbye and continue their conversation. Josh stands up and walks me to the front door, despite me giving him the cold shoulder since coming back downstairs. ‘I’ll call you tomorrow,’ he says. ‘Maybe we can go see a movie or something?’

  ‘Sure,’ I reply quietly, and when he leans to kiss me I duck my head away, so he settles for kissing the side of my head instead.

  ‘I love you.’

  ‘Enjoy the rest of the night.’ I unlock the door and start down the path. I get about halfway when he closes the door. Once I’m on the sidewalk, I look down the street both ways, and see the glow of car brake lights on my left, so I head that way. It’s dark even with the streetlights, so only when I’m about halfway down the street do I recognize Todd’s car.

  I slide into the passenger seat. ‘Thanks for this.’

  ‘No problem.’ He starts up the engine and pulls off.

  After a moment that feels so endless I can hardly bear the silence any more, I hear myself blurting out, ‘You’re not going to ask why I needed a ride? Or make some sort of comment about Josh?’

  He shrugs. ‘I thought
you two might’ve had a fight, in which case, it’s really not my place. And you might not want to talk about it.’

  ‘Oh.’ His answer doesn’t surprise me, which is weird, but a good kind of weird. ‘We didn’t,’ I say. ‘Well, not really. It wasn’t exactly a fight.’

  ‘Good for you, I guess.’

  ‘He had some beers, earlier, so I refused to get in the car with him.’ I don’t know why I’m telling Todd this. He didn’t ask, and there’s no reason I should tell him. But I can’t help myself.

  ‘Hold on,’ he says slowly, his voice lowering. ‘So you’re telling me he was going to drive you home after he’d had a drink?’

  ‘He didn’t think he was that drunk, and made me out to be the bad guy when I said he shouldn’t drive. I don’t know. He was just being a – a jerk.’

  ‘Not one for strong language?’ Todd sends me a smile, and I laugh.

  ‘Okay, so that’s a pretty weak term considering how I feel about him right now. It’s just . . . I don’t why he had to act like it was okay for him to do something like that.’

  ‘Josh thinks he can get away with all his crap because for guys like him, they’re invincible. They can get the girls they want, they can fail classes and it’s no big deal, they can do what they like and nothing can touch them.’

  ‘Those are some deep observations for a Friday night.’

  ‘Nah, they’re just me being bitter and jealous because I’m not one of those guys, and I’d like to be.’

  ‘You’re jealous of Josh?’ I say incredulously.

  ‘I’m jealous of guys like him,’ he corrects me. ‘Because they live in this perfect world, and I’m stuck here in reality with the other losers.’

  I look over at Todd, expecting to see him scowling and looking upset, but he’s smiling a little, his face lit up a greenish shade from the dash. ‘Thank you,’ I say again. ‘For the ride home.’

  ‘It’s okay. What’re friends for?’

  I’m shocked for a moment at his words, but only for a moment. I never really thought about it before. He’s just Todd. Just the guy next door. Just Todd. But I guess we really are friends.

  ‘Still,’ I say. ‘I really appreciate it. And I should probably profusely apologize for interrupting your video games. I mean, it’s a rare occurrence when you get the chance to play them.’

  I earn a chuckle for my sarcasm, which makes my smile widen. It starts to rain a bit, so he turns on the wipers, and we sit in companionable silence the rest of the way home.

  When he pulls onto his driveway and parks, I start to take a few dollars from my purse – gas money, like I promised him – but as soon as he sees them, his hand closes over mine.

  ‘Really,’ he says, ‘it’s okay.’

  ‘I owe you.’

  Todd shakes his head. ‘Honestly, it’s okay. Look, I’d rather drag out at nearly midnight to give you a ride than let you go home with Josh after he’s had a drink. It’s not like I was doing anything before, anyway. You don’t owe me anything.’

  I’m about to argue again, but he gets out of the car and I have no choice but to follow suit. ‘Todd . . .’

  He cuts me off again. ‘You don’t owe me anything, Ashley, really.’

  ‘Five dollars, at least. Please.’

  ‘You really don’t like to feel like you’re indebted to someone, do you?’

  ‘I . . .’ I blink rain out of my eyes, distractedly thinking I’m glad I forgot mascara earlier. But his question catches me off guard enough that he changes topic: ‘Goodnight, Ashley.’

  He starts toward his house, and with a sigh, I walk back down the driveway to go around the fence to my own front door.

  ‘Ashley,’ I hear him call after me when I’m at the end of the drive. I turn, holding my purse over my head in an attempt to keep the rain out of my face. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘I’m fine,’ I reply. ‘Everything’s fine.’

  Chapter Twelve

  ‘How very unhealthy of you,’ a voice says behind me as I thank the lady behind the counter at the lunch queue the following Monday. I look over my shoulder and Todd puts down his two candy bars and can of full-fat soda.

  ‘I can see your diet is just top-notch,’ I reply, rolling my apple over in my hand. ‘Remind me to get the number of your dietician.’

  His lips tweak in a half smirk and he mumbles a ‘Thanks,’ as the dinner lady hands over his change and he takes his stuff. I wait for him, and we fall in step beside each other, both of us heading down the corridors to the field around the side of the school. It’s an athletics track in summer, but the students tend to use it to hang out in fall, if the weather’s nice.

  ‘How’s your day been?’ I ask him.

  ‘All right, for a Tuesday.’

  ‘What’s wrong with Tuesdays?’

  He grimaces. ‘Never mind.’

  I don’t press him for an answer. Maybe it’s just that he has really bad subjects, or something. Maybe it’s something personal. We carry on walking, turning to make our way toward the doors.

  ‘My granddad died on a Tuesday.’ Todd’s voice is so quiet I barely even notice he said anything at all. ‘Crazy, right? Associating something like a Tuesday with missing him.’

  ‘Oh. I don’t think that’s crazy,’ I reply, after a long pause as we go outside. I feel like I ought to say something – comfort him, console him, tell him I’m sorry, but I feel like all that would be useless. So, at a loss for words, I bump him with my shoulder and brush the back of my hand against his.

  Todd bumps my hip in return, and the tiniest hint of a smile pulls at the left corner of his mouth. I move to bump him again, and he jumps forward, causing me to stumble past him. I laugh, and jog a few steps to catch him up.

  ‘So, any plans for tonight?’ he asks me amiably.

  ‘I offered to babysit for Mr and Mrs Freeman, at number eighteen. Josh has got football practice again.’

  ‘Does your whole life revolve around him, Ashley?’ Todd stops walking, and after the step it takes me to realize this, I stop too, and turn to face him. His eyebrows are knitted together, furrowed low over his pale blue eyes. His mouth is set in a grim line.

  ‘I’m sorry?’ I somehow manage to keep my voice steady and calm; I’m still mentally tossing up whether I should be incredulous or offended.

  ‘If you aren’t doing something with Josh, you just stay at home – doing your homework or reading a book, or whatever. You don’t hang out with people, except me, unless he’s there. Your whole life revolves around him. And don’t try and deny it,’ he adds brusquely when I start to object, ‘because you know it’s true.’

  I settle for glaring at him while I decide how to reply.

  My life doesn’t revolve around him. It doesn’t. Josh is just a huge part of my life – he’s my boyfriend . . . But . . . Todd’s right: when I’m not with Josh, I mostly do just stay home.

  How do I explain that one to Todd, though? I don’t go out much without Josh because the girls in the group we hang out with aren’t really great friends of mine. They’re nice people, sure, I’m not saying otherwise – but we’re different, have different outlooks and views and hobbies. I just feel so out of tune with them.

  I’ll tag along on a shopping trip or something occasionally, but I find I never have an awful lot to talk to them about. I haven’t really had any really close friends since Allie – and it seems that I’ve been totally alienated from our old group of friends now, given what it was like at Todd’s party.

  Since I’ve taken just that little bit too long to reply, Todd’s decided to carry on shooting his mouth off.

  ‘You don’t even have any real friends. They’re all his friends. And don’t tell me I don’t know that, because I’ve heard it from a lot of people who’ve known you for years. You hang out with his friends, but you don’t treat them like they’re your friends. I’ve seen you sitting at that lunch table with them for weeks and you hardly ever join in their conversations. It’s crazy.’

 
‘You don’t know any—’

  ‘Would you stop that already?’ he snaps at me, narrowing his eyes.

  I shove him.

  I don’t know what else to do. So I shove him, and he stumbles back a step. For the slightest second, we stand there looking at each other. His eyes are softer now, pitying, even. I narrow mine to slits, and the sight of him starts to blur.

  I’m not crying, though – I can’t be crying, not over this. It’s stupid.

  I’m not going to argue with him again.

  So I take a deep breath and let it out shakily, rolling my apple between my hands. ‘I’m sorry. You’re right, okay?’

  He doesn’t reply, just looks astounded that I’m not arguing.

  ‘Have you got any plans tonight?’ I say.

  ‘No,’ he says, albeit hesitantly.

  ‘Great.’ I grin at him, even though it feels a little bit forced, more like a grimace. ‘You’ve just got roped in to helping me babysit the Freeman twins.’

  He laughs, and runs a hand through his hair, messing it up even more than it already is. ‘Sure. What time?’

  ‘I’m heading over there for five thirty.’

  ‘I’ll meet you outside your house?’ I nod, and he smiles again. ‘Do you, um . . . Do you wanna eat lunch with us?’

  I glance over to where he jerks a thumb, to the same group of people he invited to his house party. Allie’s there. I can only see the back of her head, but I know it’s her.

  ‘No, that’s okay.’

  ‘You sure? I swear, they don’t hate you or anything, if that’s what you’re worried about.’

  I nod. ‘Yeah, I’m sure. I’ll see you later.’ We wave goodbye and head off in opposite directions, him to his friends and me to . . . well, Josh’s.

  ‘Hey guys,’ I say casually, dropping down next to Josh. After I’d ignored his texts and calls all of Saturday after the football game, he dropped by my house on Sunday afternoon to apologize. He hadn’t apologized for anything specific, but I was so scared of losing him that I’d relented and told him that it was okay. I couldn’t risk breaking up with him, because I couldn’t imagine what I’d do without him. I’d be left with nobody.