Out of Tune

  ‘Sure.’

  Todd’s a while, but I hear him pottering around in the kitchen as well. When he comes back, I’ve found some rom-com on that I’ve never heard of, but it looks pretty decent, and Todd’s holding a large bowl of toffee popcorn that smells amazing.

  I put a hand to my bloated stomach. ‘Ugh, seriously? I don’t think I can eat any more.’

  ‘But it’s toffee-flavored . . . your favorite . . .’

  I scrunch my nose. ‘Damn you, Todd O’Connor.’ And I dip my hand into the bowl, taking a small handful and shoving it into my mouth all at once, making him laugh. He falls into the spot on the corner of the couch, next to me, and leans forward to pick up his wine and takes a sip, then pulls a face.

  ‘I’d say you look very sophisticated with your red wine, but when you make a face like that after drinking some, it kind of ruins the effect.’

  He’s still grimacing, and scraping his tongue along his top teeth like he can scrape the taste of it away. I laugh again. ‘I’m sorry, and no offence to your grandma for her choice in wine, but this is disgusting.’

  I nod. ‘That’s why I haven’t drunk the rest of mine.’

  ‘You want some chocolate milk?’

  ‘God, yes.’

  He takes away the wine glasses to pour the vile stuff away, and returns with two large glasses of chocolate milk instead. He takes his seat again, and I lean into his side without even thinking about it. Like it’s the most normal thing in the world. He stiffens at first, and I wonder if maybe I shouldn’t have done that. And then he puts his arm around me, and I pull the blanket over us.

  Toward the end of the film, I feel my eyes drooping, and struggle to keep my head up, letting it loll back against Todd’s chest instead. I feel him move the empty bowl of popcorn to the floor, slowly like he doesn’t want to disturb me.

  As I get more drowsy, I curl in tighter to his side, and the last thing I’m aware of before I fall asleep is Todd kissing the top of my head.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  I wake up in the most awkward position possible. God, my neck is killing me! I groan, and try to stretch the soreness out of it, raising a hand to rub at it. Then I lean back down, sighing and wishing I could go back to sleep.

  There’s a heartbeat by my head, strong and steady and even. I nuzzle closer before realizing where I am, and who I’m sleeping on, and my eyes flash open.

  Todd’s slumped down against the couch, leaning sideways and his head dropped back, mouth hanging wide open. He’s drooling, and snoring intermittently. I bite back a laugh, but can’t hold in my smile. One of my legs is over his, and the other is curled underneath me – and it’s completely numb where I’ve been sitting on it for hours.

  The blanket’s still covering us, but the empty bowl of popcorn and our empty glasses of chocolate milk have disappeared. I can only assume that Callum cleared them away.

  Slowly, I peel myself away from Todd. Cozy as it is, I can’t stay there for ever. I should probably go back home.

  I remember his dates with Jennifer at that point as well, and curse myself for falling asleep on Todd when he’s got a girlfriend (of sorts) and how she’d probably hate it if she knew.

  Despite my best efforts not to disturb him, Todd’s snore turns into a startled grunt and he jolts awake, blinking drowsily and mumbling unintelligibly.

  I give him a sheepish smile. ‘My bad. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.’

  ‘S’okay,’ he murmurs. He wipes the back of his hand across his mouth and chin, grimacing. ‘Oh, man, was I drooling?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Did I drool on you?’

  ‘I hope not.’

  His eyes close again but he smirks. ‘Good.’

  I sit up straighter and stretch, rolling my head around to try and work the crick out of my neck. ‘I can’t feel my butt.’

  ‘Tell me about it.’

  ‘Sorry I fell asleep on you.’ I stand up to try and get a little feeling back.

  ‘That’s okay, it wasn’t – I mean, I didn’t mind. Sleeping with you wasn’t – no, I mean . . .’

  ‘Todd?’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘You can stop talking now.’

  His ears are bright red, and he clamps his mouth shut, taking a deep breath through his nose before saying, ‘It was kinda cozy. I didn’t mind.’

  I smile, and start folding up the blanket. ‘Well, I should probably head home. Take a shower, wash the drool out of my hair . . .’ He looks away, embarrassed. ‘Have some breakfast.’

  ‘Why don’t you have breakfast here? I bet I can convince my dad to make waffles and bacon.’

  ‘If your dad’s awake, then sure.’

  Todd goes upstairs to see, and I go to the bathroom. I take a look in the mirror and wonder how Todd didn’t say anything; my eyeliner and mascara is smudged, and my hair is on the unruly side of curly. I take a couple of minutes to fix myself up, having to wiggle my bra around because it’s out of place from sleeping.

  I can hear the sounds of cooking in the kitchen, and figuring that I look as good as I can in yesterday’s clothes and make-up, I go to the kitchen.

  ‘Morning!’ I greet Callum.

  ‘Hey, Ashley. Coffee or OJ?’

  ‘Some coffee would be great, please.’

  ‘On it,’ Todd says, getting out another mug as he waits for the coffee machine to finish. I take a seat at the table.

  ‘Thanks for letting me stay over last night,’ I say, because I feel like I should say something.

  ‘It’s no trouble. I didn’t want to wake you up. You two looked very cozy, asleep on the sofa.’

  I don’t know why, but I blush. Lucky for me, Callum’s got his back to me as he pokes the bacon around the frying pan. Todd catches my eye as he puts the coffee down in front of me, and I have to look away.

  We fell asleep on the couch watching a movie. No big deal. It’s not like we actually slept together, in the not-so-innocent sense of the phrase.

  ‘Do you want some eggs as well, Ashley?’

  ‘Um . . .’

  ‘I’m doing some for myself anyway,’ he adds.

  ‘Yes, please, then, if it’s not too much trouble.’

  ‘None at all.’ After a pause he says, ‘Did Jennifer have a good Thanksgiving, Todd?’

  I glance at Todd as discreetly as I can, in time to see him squirm uncomfortably. ‘Uh, yeah. I texted her a couple of times.’

  ‘Any more dates planned?’ his dad asks.

  ‘Not yet.’

  We eat breakfast, and it’s almost, but not quite, as tense and uncomfortable as I was expecting. I try my best to offer to help with the dishes before I leave, but Callum won’t hear of it – insisting that it’s no trouble, that it’s fine, really, so eventually I give in and go put on my shoes to go back home.

  Todd follows me into the hallway. ‘So do you, um, have any plans for later?’

  ‘I might catch up on a little homework, but not really. Why? Do you wanna hang out? We could always hit the Black Friday sales? Or we could go see a movie?’

  He looks a little uncomfortable, and rubs the end of his nose with his knuckles. I give him a confused frown, but before I get to ask him what’s up, he gestures for me to step outside, and we both go out onto the porch, Todd shutting the door behind us. He crosses his arms over his chest, but I think it’s because it’s cold rather than a gesture of hostility.

  ‘What are we doing, Ashley?’

  Okay, now I’m definitely confused.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  He looks down at his feet, and wiggles his toes. I notice he’s not wearing shoes, only socks. His feet must be cold.

  I shake myself. Not the thing to be thinking right now, when he looks so serious.

  ‘Does this have anything to do with Jennifer?’ I ask, and then I find I can’t stop. ‘Why did you ask her out on a date, anyway? I mean, I thought . . . Like when you tried to kiss me, it . . . And you . . .’ I can’t form a coherent sentence, a
nd bite my lip, hard. ‘Do you really like her?’

  ‘It wasn’t some ploy to make you jealous, if that’s what you’re asking.’

  ‘I think I got a little jealous anyway,’ I mutter, half-hoping he doesn’t hear.

  ‘I don’t know if I’m getting mixed signals from you or what, but I thought you weren’t interested in me like that. You told me you weren’t.’ He gulps, Adam’s apple bobbing anxiously. ‘Look, I know I was out of line trying to kiss you a while ago. But when you broke up with Josh, you didn’t treat me any different, and I thought you only liked me as a friend. And I thought, that’s okay, because I’d rather you be my best friend and nothing more than not have you in my life at all.’

  ‘Todd . . .’

  My stomach is suddenly all butterflies, making me feel a little woozy after such a hearty breakfast, and I feel a little breathless, my heart somersaulting. I dread that he’s going to say that now he’s decided he’s over his crush on me and wants to date Jennifer more.

  ‘No, let me finish.’ He sighs. ‘I like you, Ashley, a lot. But I’d rather know how you feel before I mess anything up.’

  He looks mildly terrified, but even so, he manages to look me in the eye.

  ‘What about Jennifer?’

  His mouth twists into a worried line. ‘It’s not serious, not yet. But that’s my point – if I keep dating Jennifer – and don’t get me wrong, she’s an amazing girl and I had a great time on our two dates – and things do get serious, but the whole time you’ve wanted to be more than friends, then it’s going to mess everything up.’

  ‘So you’d break up with her?’ I clarify.

  ‘We never said we were officially together,’ he concedes.

  And I can only say, very lamely and feeling totally pathetic, ‘I don’t know.’

  God, I’m such a loser. I can’t just leave him with an answer like that!

  ‘I’m sorry, and I don’t know if I’ve been leading you on, but I just – I don’t really know what I want. I like you a lot, but I’m scared that we might make a total mess of things if we try something more than friendship.’

  Because what if this crush is nothing more than that: a passing crush that I’ll be over in two weeks? And what if we start taking things more seriously and acting like a couple and everything becomes weird?

  He nods. ‘Yeah, I know.’

  I look away then, feeling awful. I want to be able to give him a clearer answer, but I really don’t know what to say. Sure, I wanted to kiss him when he tried to kiss me; and it feels totally natural when he puts an arm around me, or like last night when we fell asleep cuddled up on the couch, that felt so not-weird.

  I run a hand through my hair, and curse under my breath when my fingers stick against a tangle of knots. I wriggle my hand out of and sigh, looking back at Todd.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ he says. ‘I just made everything really weird, didn’t I?’

  ‘No, you didn’t. I’ve kind of been thinking the same things lately.’

  He looks relieved at that, but doesn’t say so.

  I bite my lip before continuing. ‘Can I have a little more time to think about this?’

  ‘Sure. I mean, it’s . . . it’s no big deal. I only wanted to try to clear the air, because I didn’t know how you felt, and . . . and you know, there’s Jennifer . . .’

  I nod. ‘It’s okay, Todd, I get it.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘So how about the movie later? Casual, of course. Or the mall. You pick.’

  He grimaces. ‘I’m not really up for fighting the hordes in the sales, so how about the movie?’

  I nod. ‘Sure. You pick the movie – just let me know what time, yes?’

  ‘Yep. See you later Ashley.’

  ‘Bye, Todd.’

  Back home, once I’ve showered and changed into fresh clothes, I go into the lounge where my parents and grandma are watching the news. ‘I’m going to the movies later, with Todd.’

  ‘Are any of your other friends going?’ Mom asks.

  ‘No, just us.’

  She turns her gaze toward me with a barely concealed smile of excitement. ‘Like a date?’

  God, did she overhear our conversation on the porch or something? I roll my eyes, scoffing. ‘No, Mom. Why would you even say that?’

  ‘Callum called last night to let us know you were staying over. He said you and Todd were passed out on the couch under a blanket, looking very sweet.’

  ‘I’m sure Callum didn’t say it was sweet.’

  ‘Well it sounded very sweet,’ Mom argues. ‘You two were acting very . . . couple-y, yesterday, that’s all. Your Aunt Janice didn’t believe me when I told her you two weren’t dating.’

  ‘We’re not.’ I huff. ‘God.’

  ‘I’m just curious, since you’re not dating Josh any more, that’s all,’ Mom barrels on, ‘and you and Todd are so close, if you’re—’

  ‘I don’t know, Mom,’ I say, a little snappier than I’d intended. ‘It’s complicated.’

  ‘Why? Does he like somebody else?’ my grandmother pitches in, turning up her hearing aid. Dad looks between us all before reaching for the TV remote – presumably to change to a sports channel, or maybe to find a documentary.

  ‘Don’t you dare,’ Mom tells him, not even looking his way. Dad shakes his head, smiling, but puts the remote back regardless. ‘Well Ashley? Does he like someone else?’

  ‘That’s kind of the problem; he likes me. But, he just started dating this other girl at school because he thought I wasn’t interested. I haven’t figured out if I like him back yet, in that way. Like, I think I do, but I really don’t know. What if it’s just, like, a rebound crush and in a couple of weeks I’ll be over it? I don’t want to ruin things with him.’

  ‘You’ve liked Todd since before you and Josh broke up,’ Dad pitches in, to my surprise. ‘Even I could see that.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘I know you don’t want to wreck your friendship, but you two act like a couple already, aside from the kissing,’ Mom says. ‘I think he was an idiot to ask this other girl on a date – but that’s boys for you.’

  ‘Unless you have kissed him,’ Grandma adds.

  I grit my teeth, but blush a little.

  ‘Oh my God, you have, haven’t you?’ Mom laughs, grinning. ‘Oh, I knew it.’

  ‘We haven’t!’ I insist, but I get the feeling she doesn’t believe me. ‘Okay, so we almost did, once, but we didn’t. I was still dating Josh at the time, and I pushed him away before he could kiss me.’

  Mom raises her eyebrows, skeptical, but she doesn’t voice her doubt out loud.

  ‘Look, I just . . . I don’t know.’

  ‘There’s an easy solution to see if you do like him, you know,’ says my grandmother with an easy smile. ‘Next time he tries to kiss you, don’t push him away.’

  Todd and I leave around five for the movie – it’s a DreamWorks animation. I can kind of see why he picked it: because it’s not exactly a date movie; we’ve steered clear of the holiday romances they’re showing, and the action movies that are bound to have some kind of passionate, romantic embrace in the midst of explosions or near-death experiences. Plus, we’re both suckers for cartoons.

  We share some nachos, and our hands keep brushing when we go to take some, but I don’t pull away like I’m fourteen-years-old and on my first date with a boy. But neither do I make an effort to avoid brushing his hand. I want to keep things normal.

  Afterwards, Todd drives up onto one of the hills that overlooks the town. I packed some leftover-turkey sandwiches, and we sit on the hood of his car eating them and slurping the milkshakes we picked up on the way.

  We talk, like we always do, drifting from one topic to another effortlessly, and not mentioning our discussion this morning – but I do make a joke about finding some drool in my hair, over which Todd groans and buries his face in his hands, laughing.

  From here, you can see the Christmas decorations lighting up the mall like a giant, gau
dy beacon for Santa Claus and holiday shoppers. It’s a cloudless night, and you can see the stars, too.

  Our breath fogs up and, after a while, my teeth start to chatter.

  Todd notices, and unwinds the scarf from around his neck, draping it around mine instead with a fond smile. ‘You look colder than me.’

  I smile back. ‘Thanks.’ I tie it, tucking the ends inside my coat for a little extra warmth. We talk a while longer, and Todd starts telling me about constellations. He sounds so passionate about it, his voice hushed and almost breathless with awe, and even though I know a bit about the major constellations from when I researched them last year for a project, I let him talk, and I listen attentively.

  ‘You really love the stars, huh?’

  ‘My granddad taught me about them. He used to have a telescope, but my mom got that when he died. Apparently he used to talk to her about them too – not that she really cared about the stars much, but she wanted the telescope because it reminded her of him.’

  I nod. ‘That’s understandable.’

  Todd leans back onto his elbows, tilting his head up to look at the stars again. ‘You can’t see so much here, with the light pollution—’

  ‘Damn Christmas lights,’ I pitch in.

  ‘Right. But they’re still beautiful, don’t you think? Look, you can see Orion’s belt there – see that one? And the star underneath—’

  I scoot closer, trying to look where he’s looking and pointing. I point as well. ‘By there?’

  ‘Yeah.’ He takes my extended arm and moves it a little. ‘And over there, that one? It’s . . .’

  He goes on, pointing out the constellations we can find, and then we start making up our own, saying that the cluster of stars over there looks like a water bottle – and those ones over there like a cupcake.

  ‘I tried counting the stars once,’ I admit. ‘We went camping on vacation for a few days one summer, and my dad had this map of constellations he was trying to use, and my mom kept laughing because they couldn’t agree on where the constellations actually were in the sky. So I decided to count the stars.’

  ‘How’d that go?’

  ‘Not so great.’