Girl Alone: Joss came home from school to discover her father’s suicide

  ‘Good girl,’ I said as I opened the door. ‘Well done.’ I heard a car pull away.

  ‘Well done,’ she repeated, slurring her words. And I knew straight away she was drunk.

  ‘Oh, Joss,’ I said.

  ‘Oh, Joss,’ she mimicked.

  Keeping her eyes down, she carefully navigated the front doorstep. ‘I’m going to bed, see ya,’ she said, and headed unsteadily towards the stairs.

  As she passed me I smelt the mint she was sucking to try to mask the smell of alcohol, and also a sweet, musky smell lingering on her clothes, which was almost certainly cannabis – otherwise known as marijuana, weed or dope. I’d smelt it on her before. My heart sank, but there was no point in trying to discuss her behaviour with her while she was still under the influence. Greatly saddened yet again by her reckless behaviour, I watched her go upstairs.

  I gave her five minutes to change and then went up to check on her. Her bedroom door was closed. I knocked but there was no answer, so I went in. She was lying on the bed, on her side, asleep, and fully clothed apart from her shoes. I eased the duvet over her legs, closed the curtains and then came out, leaving the door slightly open so I would hear her if she was sick or cried out. Joss often had dreadful nightmares and screamed and cried out in her sleep. On those nights I would immediately go to her room to comfort and resettle her, but that night – possibly because of the alcohol – she didn’t wake.

  She was still asleep when I got up the following morning. As it was Saturday and we didn’t have to be anywhere I left her to sleep it off. She finally appeared downstairs in her dressing gown shortly after twelve. I was in the kitchen making lunch.

  ‘Sorry,’ she said, pouring a glass of water. Joss apologized easily, but it didn’t mean that she wouldn’t do it again.

  ‘Joss, we need to talk,’ I said.

  I heard her sigh. ‘Can’t we make it later? After I’ve showered. I feel like crap.’

  ‘I’m not surprised. Have a shower and get dressed, then, and we’ll talk later. But we do need to talk.’

  She returned upstairs to get ready and then half an hour later came down, and we all sat at the table for lunch. She looked fresher and chatted easily to Lucy, Adrian and Paula as though nothing untoward had happened, which for her it hadn’t. Arriving home drunk and smelling of dope was a regular occurrence – at her parents’, her aunt’s, her previous foster carers’, and now with me. She didn’t talk to me, though, and after lunch kept well away from me all afternoon, although I heard her chatting and laughing with Lucy and Paula. Not for the first time, I hoped their good influence would rub off on Joss and not the other way around. The girls were a similar age to Joss and it was a worry that her risky behaviour could appear impressive and exciting. I’d talked to them already about the danger she placed herself in, and would do so again.

  It was nearly five o’clock before Joss finally came to find me. I was on the patio watering the potted plants. I knew why she was presenting herself now, complicit and ready to hear my lecture: she would want to go out again soon.

  ‘You wanted to talk?’ she said, almost politely.

  ‘Yes, sit down, love.’

  I put the watering can to one side, pulled up a couple of garden chairs and in a calm and even voice began – the positive first. ‘Joss, you did well to come home on time last night. I was pleased. Well done. But I am very worried that you are still drinking alcohol and smoking dope after everything I’ve said to you.’

  She looked down and shrugged.

  ‘I thought you understood the damage alcohol and drugs do to a young person’s body.’

  ‘I do,’ she said.

  ‘So why are you still doing it, Joss? You’re not daft. Why abuse your body and mind when you know the harm it’s doing?’

  ‘Dunno,’ she said, with another shrug.

  ‘It’s not only your physical and mental health that are being damaged by drink and drugs,’ I continued. ‘You’re putting yourself in great danger in other ways too. When someone has a lot to drink or smokes dope, they feel as though they haven’t a care in the world – that’s why they do it. But their awareness has gone; they lose their sense of danger and are more at risk of coming to harm.’ I was being careful to talk in the third person and not say ‘you’ so that she wouldn’t feel I was getting at her – another complaint of Joss’s. ‘Joss, apart from your health, I’m worried something dreadful could happen to you. Do you understand?’

  ‘Yes.’ She glanced at me. ‘So if I promise not to drink or smoke, can I go out tonight?’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘Chloe’s.’

  ‘Did Chloe’s parents know you were drinking and smoking drugs last night?’

  ‘We weren’t,’ Joss said.

  I held her gaze. ‘Joss, I’m not stupid.’

  ‘No, they didn’t know. They weren’t in,’ she admitted.

  ‘So who brought you home last night?’

  ‘Not sure,’ Joss said easily. ‘Her uncle, I think.’

  ‘You think?’ Joss could have just admitted to eating too many sweets for all her lack of concern. ‘Joss, are you telling me that you were so off your head last night that you don’t even know who drove you home?’

  ‘I’m sure it was her uncle,’ she said.

  I looked at her carefully. ‘Joss, I’m very worried about you.’

  ‘I know, you said before. I’m sorry, but I can look after myself.’

  I wish I had a pound for every teenager who’s said that, I thought. ‘Joss, I don’t want to stop you from having fun and spending time with your friends, but I do need to keep you safe. Given what happened last night, and last weekend, the only way you’re going out this evening is if I take and collect you in my car.’

  ‘But that’s not fair!’ she cried, jumping up from her chair, all semblance of compliance gone. ‘You treat me like a fucking baby. I hate you and this fucking family! I hate everyone.’

  Chapter Two

  I Thought You Loved Me

  I left Joss to calm down for a little longer than usual, allowing her time to reflect and me a chance to recharge my batteries. I found her outbursts exhausting and stressful. I was never sure what she might do or what she was capable of – the carers who’d looked after Joss before had reported that she’d hit one of them – and, although she hadn’t physically threatened me (yet), I always put some distance between us when she was very angry.

  I continued to water the plants on the patio, largely as a displacement for my anxious thoughts. How could I get through to Joss before it was too late and she came to real harm? Continue as I had been doing with firm boundaries, love, care and concern? It had worked in the past with other young people I’d fostered, but would it work now? Joss was coming close to being the most challenging child I’d ever looked after, and it wasn’t something for her to be proud of.

  Deep in thought, I set down the watering can and was about to go indoors to find Joss to talk to her, as I always did after one of her flare-ups, when she appeared on the patio.

  ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘You can take and collect me tonight if you want.’

  ‘To Chloe’s?’ I asked, slightly surprised by the sudden turnaround.

  ‘Nah. To the cinema. We’ve decided to see a film.’

  ‘OK. That sounds good. Which film are you going to see?’

  Joss rattled off the title of a film I knew was showing at the local cinema and then said, ‘It starts at seven-thirty, so I’m meeting Chloe there at seven to give us time to buy our tickets and popcorn. The film finishes at nine-forty-five, so you can collect me at ten.’

  It did cross my mind that this all sounded a bit pat, but I had to trust Joss, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. ‘All right. We’ll leave here at six-forty,’ I said. ‘Lucy is seeing a friend this evening, so I’ll drop her off on the way.’

  ‘I’ll tell her,’ Joss said helpfully, and went back indoors.

  We ate dinner at six and then, having explained to Adrian and
Paula that I was dropping off Lucy and Joss and I’d be gone for no more than an hour, we left. Sometimes I feel I’m running a taxi service with all the driving I do, but I’d much rather that and know the children are safe than have them waiting for buses that don’t always arrive, especially at night. Both girls sat in the rear of the car, and as I drove they chatted to each other, mainly about the film Joss was going to see. Lucy wanted to see it too and was hoping to go to the cinema with a friend the following weekend. I dropped Lucy off at her friend’s house (her friend’s mother was going to bring her home later) and then I continued to the cinema.

  ‘Chloe will be here soon,’ Joss said, opening her car door.

  ‘You can wait in the car until she arrives if you like,’ I suggested.

  ‘Nah, it’s OK. She might be waiting inside.’

  Joss got out and closed the door. I lowered my window. ‘I’ll see you at ten o’clock, then,’ I said. ‘If Chloe doesn’t arrive, phone me and I’ll come back to collect you.’

  ‘Sure,’ Joss said. Then she spotted her waiting to cross the road. ‘Hi, Chloe!’ she yelled, waving hard.

  ‘Hiya!’ the girl yelled back.

  I pulled away, pleased that I’d believed Joss. She’d come to me with a history of lying, so I found myself doubting everything she told me, which wasn’t good, and not like me. Usually I trusted people and accepted what they said, unless experience proved I should do otherwise. I was so pleased I hadn’t doubted Joss or questioned her further on her trip to the cinema with Chloe, as it could have undermined our already very fragile relationship.

  At home, Paula and I watched some television together and then I suggested to Adrian that he left his studies for tonight and relaxed. The examinations he was revising for were important, as he needed good grades to continue to the sixth form, but I was concerned he was overdoing it. Half an hour later he joined us and we had a game of Scrabble before it was time for me to leave to collect Joss.

  Although I was ten minutes early, Joss was already waiting outside the cinema with Chloe. They came over and I lowered my window.

  ‘Can you give Chloe a lift home?’ Joss asked. ‘It’s on the way.’

  ‘Of course. Get in,’ I said.

  Both girls giggled, climbed into the back and giggled some more – possibly from teenage self-consciousness or embarrassment, I didn’t know. Chloe was a largely built girl with jet-black, chin-length hair, heavily made-up eyes and a very short skirt. She looked older than Joss, but then Joss was so petite she looked younger than thirteen. Both girls reeked of cheap perfume, which I assumed was Chloe’s, as Joss hadn’t been wearing any perfume when she’d left. It was so strong I kept my window open a little.

  ‘Was the film good?’ I asked as I drove.

  ‘Yeah,’ they said, and giggled again.

  ‘And you’re in the same class at school?’ I asked after a moment, trying to make conversation.

  ‘Yeah,’ Joss said, while Chloe remained silent.

  ‘Where do you live?’ I asked Chloe. ‘I’ll take you to your door.’

  ‘We pass it,’ she said. ‘I’ll shout when we’re there.’

  There was more giggling and then whispering as I drove, and finally Joss yelled, ‘Stop! We’re here!’

  I checked in my mirrors and pulled over. We were outside a small parade of shops about five minutes from where I lived. ‘I’ll take you to your door,’ I said to Chloe.

  ‘You have!’ Joss shouted, laughing. ‘She lives here.’

  ‘I live over the newsagents,’ Chloe explained. ‘Thanks for the lift.’

  ‘You’re welcome.’

  There was more giggling as Chloe got out, and then before Joss closed the car door she yelled to her, ‘See ya Monday!’

  ‘Yeah, see ya, you old tart!’ Chloe yelled back.

  Joss shut the car door with more force than was necessary and I pulled away. As we passed Chloe walking along the pavement Joss banged on her window. Chloe grinned and put up her middle finger in an obscene gesture. I didn’t comment. Chloe was the only friend of Joss’s I’d met so far and I didn’t want to criticize her, but she was so unlike Lucy’s and Paula’s friends that I had to stop myself making an instant judgement. If I felt Chloe might not be the best choice of friend for Joss, who was drawn to trouble, I didn’t say so, and reminded myself that first impressions can be deceptive.

  ‘How does Chloe get into her flat?’ I asked out of interest, for there hadn’t been an obvious front door.

  ‘Round the back of the shops and up the fire escape,’ Joss said.

  ‘You’ve been to her flat?’

  ‘Yeah, we hang out there sometimes.’

  Now that the smell of perfume was starting to clear – with Chloe’s departure and the window open – I was beginning to catch the smell of something else, which I thought could be dope, but I wasn’t sure. I knew that just as mints are used to mask the smell of alcohol, dope, tobacco, glue and other substances on the breath, so perfume and cologne can be used to try to hide the smell from clothes, skin and hair. I wasn’t going to accuse Joss unjustly, but I wanted her to know I was aware of the possibility that she may have been using again.

  ‘What’s the perfume?’ I asked.

  ‘It’s Chloe’s. I don’t know what it’s called.’

  ‘It’s very strong,’ I said, and I glanced at her pointedly in the mirror.

  Joss immediately looked away. ‘I haven’t been smoking, if that’s what you think,’ she said defensively.

  ‘Good.’

  I guessed that Joss would want to go out again on Sunday, as previous carers had complained that she went out as soon as she was dressed and didn’t return until after midnight, and then she was too tired to get up for school on Monday morning. Joss had been out both Friday and Saturday evening, so I thought it was reasonable that she spent Sunday with us. I look upon Sundays as family time, as many others do, and I like us to try to spend most of it together, as a family, which obviously includes the child or children I am fostering. When my children were little I used to arrange an activity on a Sunday, visiting a park or place of interest, or seeing family or friends, but now they were older I accepted that they didn’t always want to be organized every weekend and liked to spend time just chilling. However, we hadn’t been out together the previous two Sundays, so I thought a family outing now would be nice for everyone, including Joss. Doing things together encourages bonding and helps improve family relationships – something Joss was a bit short on. I knew Adrian would want to do some exam revision first, so I would make it for the afternoon only. I racked my brains for an activity that wasn’t too far away, preferable outdoors as the weather was good, and that they’d all enjoy. I came up with the Tree Top Adventure Park. It was an assault course set in the treetops of a forest about half an hour’s drive away. It had zip wires, swing bridges and rope ladders, and was suitable for ages ten and above. I’d taken my children before but not for a while. I mentioned it to Lucy and Paula first, who liked the idea, and then to Adrian, who agreed that taking the afternoon off would be fine.

  Then I knocked on Joss’s door.

  ‘Yeah? Come in!’ she called from inside.

  She was propped up on her bed using the headboard for support, earphones in, and flicking through a magazine. I motioned for her to take out an earphone so she could hear me, then I explained about the proposed outing, emphasizing how much fun it would be and that it was suitable for teenagers, girls and boys. ‘You’ll need to wear something a bit looser than those tight jeans,’ I suggested, ‘so you can climb. And trainers rather than sandals.’

  ‘Nah, it’s OK,’ she said, returning her attention to the magazine. ‘You can go. I’ll stay here.’

  ‘Joss, I’d like you to come with us, so would the girls and Adrian. While you’re here you’re part of this family and it’s nice to do things together as a family sometimes.’

  ‘Nah, thanks,’ she said. ‘I’m OK.’

  ‘I want you to come, Joss,?
?? I said.

  She looked up. ‘If you don’t trust me here alone I can go out and meet up with my mates. That’s what I did when the other carers went out.’

  ‘But I won’t do that,’ I said more firmly. ‘I would like you to come. It’s just for the afternoon and I’ve chosen an activity you’ll like.’

  ‘What if I don’t like it?’ Joss said. She challenged me on everything if she had a mind to.

  ‘Then you’ll put it down to experience and won’t ever go again. But at least you will have tried it.’

  ‘Nah,’ she said again. ‘It’s not my thing.’ She went back to the magazine and flipped a couple of pages.

  There was no way I was leaving Joss alone in the house having heard about the mischief she’d got up to at her previous carers’ when she’d been left alone – underage drinking and smoking dope with friends, the house trashed and the police called. Neither was I agreeing to her going out and spending the afternoon on the streets, with the potential for getting into more trouble. Apart from which, I wanted Joss to come with us as part of the family and have a good time.

  ‘I think you’ll enjoy it,’ I said.

  ‘Nah. I won’t,’ she said.

  I took a breath. It was hard work. ‘OK, Joss, the bottom line is: you come with us, which is what I would like, or I can take you to another foster carer for the afternoon.’ I knew carers who would help me out if necessary, as I would help them, but whether they were available at such short notice on a Sunday, I didn’t know. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to put it to the test.

  ‘I don’t want to go to another carer,’ Joss moaned, her face setting.

  ‘I don’t want you to go either. I want you to come with us.’ I smiled.

  ‘Is it only for the afternoon?’

  ‘Yes. We’ll leave here around twelve-ish and we’ll be back about six.’

  ‘OK. You win. Again,’ she said. ‘But I won’t enjoy myself. I’ll be miserable all afternoon.’

  ‘Joss, I bet you two pounds you do enjoy yourself. If you do, you’ll win; if not, I win.’