Girl Alone: Joss came home from school to discover her father’s suicide

  ‘Good game,’ I said, as Lucy gave him an affectionate slap on the arm.

  ‘He always wins,’ Paula told Joss.

  ‘It’s luck,’ Joss joked.

  ‘In your dreams. It’s skill,’ Adrian quipped back.

  The atmosphere was good.

  ‘Can we start taking turns in the bathroom,’ I said. ‘And I need a volunteer to help me pack away the game.’

  ‘I’ll help you,’ Joss said. She remained at the table while Adrian, Paula and Lucy made their way upstairs. ‘That was fun,’ she said, as we began sorting the money and cards into piles. ‘We used to play Monopoly at home with Dad.’

  ‘That’s a lovely memory,’ I said, smiling.

  She nodded. ‘I just wish they weren’t memories and he was still alive.’

  I paused and looked at her. ‘I know you do, love. You’ve had a lot to cope with.’

  We continued sorting the money and then Joss suddenly said, ‘I’m not lying, Cathy. About what happened with Zach. I wouldn’t lie about that.’

  ‘I’m sure you wouldn’t,’ I said, meeting her gaze. ‘Not something as serious as that.’

  ‘So you believe me?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Mum doesn’t. She always takes his side.’

  ‘I suppose it must be difficult for your mother,’ I said. ‘She’s trying to make her marriage work and probably feels caught in the middle. Did you and your stepfather argue a lot?’

  ‘Yes, but Mum never believed what I said and always took his side.’

  ‘What caused all the problems?’ I asked, feeling that Joss wanted to talk.

  ‘Oh, you know what he’s like – the usual.’ She shrugged and continued sorting the money.

  ‘I don’t know him, really,’ I said. ‘I’ve only met him once. Is he very difficult to live with?’

  ‘Mum says I never gave him a chance, but that’s not true. I thought he was all right to begin with. He was kind to Kevin and me. He used to buy us presents, but that was just so he could win us over.’

  ‘To gain your affection?’

  ‘Sort of.’

  We placed the money, cards and playing pieces into the Monopoly box and secured the lid with a large elastic band. The box was a bit ragged from years of use, but it had protected the game. I was about to stand to put the game away before going to bed when Joss said, ‘I know why it was easy for him to persuade Mum I was lying.’

  I remained in my chair and looked at her. Her gaze was down and she concentrated on the table.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because she never believed me about all the other stuff either.’

  ‘What other stuff?’ I asked, expecting Joss to start telling me about all the other arguments they’d had.

  ‘The other stuff he did,’ she said with a shrug.

  ‘Like what?’ I asked, naïve and hoping I could go to bed soon.

  ‘You know. Things he shouldn’t have done.’

  Perhaps it was because I was very tired that I didn’t understand straight away what Joss was trying to tell me, or maybe I didn’t want to understand.

  ‘Joss, love, you’ll have to explain to me. I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Your mum doesn’t believe you about Zach because she didn’t believe you in the past about Eric?’

  ‘Yes. He persuaded her that I was lying when I told her he used to walk around naked and stuff. So now she doesn’t believe me about anything.’

  I turned in my chair so I was facing her. She continued staring at the table. ‘Some people do walk around naked at home,’ I said. ‘They see it as natural. But it made you feel uncomfortable and I can understand why. We don’t do that here.’

  There was a small pause before Joss said, ‘It wasn’t just that.’

  ‘No? What else?’

  She took a breath and kept her eyes down. ‘He used to come into my bedroom when I was dressing or when I was in the bath. We didn’t have locks on the doors, but you are supposed to knock and wait, like you do here. But he didn’t. He used to come straight in and stand and stare at me. I told Mum, but she didn’t believe me. They both said I was lying.’

  I was now starting to feel very uneasy, not just about the implications of what Joss was telling me, but about whether she was telling the truth. The problem when someone has a history of lying is that it’s very difficult to know when they are telling the truth. I believed Joss when she’d said Zach had attacked her – I’d seen her distress just after it had happened, and I’d met Zach and Carl and those they associated with and could believe they were capable of what Joss had claimed. Eric was another matter entirely, though. He was a middle-aged, respectable man, with a responsible job – although that didn’t mean he couldn’t be an abuser. He’d seemed pleasant enough the one time I’d met him, and from what Linda had said he appeared to be doing all he could to be a successful stepfather. Was it possible Joss so greatly resented him trying to replace her father that she was making this up? I didn’t know, but as I’d told Linda, in my experience children rarely lied about sexual abuse. I needed more details.

  ‘Joss, what you are accusing Eric of is very serious indeed.’

  She nodded. ‘I know,’ she said quietly.

  I looked at her. ‘When did it start? Can you remember?’

  ‘A few weeks after they got married and he moved in. The first time it happened I thought it was an accident and he’d come into my room by mistake. I liked him then. He seemed nice and he made Mum happy. Kevin was already calling him Dad. Then one evening Mum went out to a fundraising event. She does charity work to help families where someone has committed suicide. Kevin was in bed and I was in my room. I didn’t have my top on and I was standing in front of the mirror. I know it sounds silly, but I’d just started developing and I used to stand in front of my mirror every evening to see if my breasts had grown. Without knocking, Eric suddenly came in. I grabbed my top and held it against me. I thought he’d apologize and quickly go out, but he stood there leering and going red in the face. He was sweating and breathing heavily – it was disgusting. And then he said, “You naughty girl. Look what you’ve done to me.” He undid his trousers and his pants were wet at the front. I thought he’d peed himself, but later I realized what it was. I felt sick, and I was frightened too. I told him to go. He grinned, a horrible smile, and said, “I’ll be seeing you again, young lady,” and he left.’ Joss shivered, and I felt icy cold too.

  ‘He went to the bathroom,’ Joss continued, nervously rubbing her finger along the edge of the table. ‘I heard the shower turn on. I was shaking. I stayed in my room until Mum came home. She came up to say goodnight. She always did. She knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t tell her what, so she just thought I was ill. I didn’t sleep. I lay there all night thinking about what had happened. Then the next day I sort of convinced myself it had been an accident, him coming into my room, but deep down I knew it wasn’t. I kept thinking about what he’d said and the way he’d undone his trousers.’

  Joss took a breath before continuing and I sat very still and quiet. ‘He tried it again the next time Mum went out. I was in my bedroom with all my clothes on. I wasn’t going to change for bed until Mum came home. He came in without knocking and asked me to show him my breasts so he could see how much they’d grown. I don’t know how he knew that’s what I’d been doing. I told him to go and leave me alone and that I’d tell Mum. He grinned, all pervy, and said I could tell her because she wouldn’t believe me. He’d make sure of it. I didn’t tell her straight away – I didn’t know how to tell her. That’s when the arguments started. I ignored him, or if he tried to talk to me I was rude to him. So Mum would tell me off and try to make me apologize, but I wouldn’t. Then, when other stuff started to happen, I finally found the courage to tell Mum. She didn’t believe me, but she must have said something to him because later, when she wasn’t around, he told me to keep my mouth shut if I knew what was good for me.

  ‘After that, it was just arguments and more arguments. I
hated him, and I began hating Mum for believing him and not me. Even little Kevin was getting upset by all the shouting. We never used to shout and argue before he came along. I started getting into trouble at school. I was angry the whole time, even with my teachers. I felt like everyone was against me. And I stayed away from the house as much as possible. It wasn’t my home any more. I began hanging around the streets. It felt safer on the streets in the dark with strangers than it did at home.’ She stopped. ‘Oh, Cathy,’ she suddenly cried. ‘If only my dad hadn’t died, none of this would have happened. I feel so alone.’

  I put my arm around her and comforted her as best I could while she cried. Did I believe her? Yes, I did. The childlike details and the logic in what she’d said convinced me she was telling the truth. My thoughts went to all the times Joss had referred to Eric as a creep, and I knew now it wasn’t just name-calling. Why hadn’t I picked up on this sooner? I should have done. But there had been so many issues with Joss it had slipped through the net. Her hatred of Eric should have been another indicator – a clue I’d missed. She didn’t hate him because he was trying to replace her father; she hated him because he’d been abusing her. With a sinking heart I remembered I’d actually defended Eric and had told Joss he was probably being nice to her because he was trying to build a relationship. How insensitive and inappropriate that sounded now! I also remembered that when I’d met him he’d told me he wanted to foster, and my stomach heaved. That would have given him a steady supply of children to abuse. Then another horrendous thought struck me.

  ‘Joss,’ I said, holding her close, ‘has Eric abused Kevin?’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ she said, raising her head slightly and sniffing. ‘I think it was just me.’

  But, of course, she couldn’t be sure.

  She straightened and looked at me, her eyes red and her cheeks stained with tears. ‘Do you believe me?’ she asked, her voice shaking. ‘Do you see why Mum changed her mind about Zach?’

  ‘Yes, I do, love. I can see why, and I believe you.’

  ‘Oh, thank you, Cathy!’ she cried, and threw her arms around me.

  I held her for some time. She’d said ‘other stuff’ had happened too, but it wasn’t for me to question her now. I needed to leave that for the police.

  ‘I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner,’ she said through her tears. ‘I should have told you – I nearly did a few times, but I was worried you’d think I was lying, like Mum did.’

  ‘It’s all right,’ I said. I stroked her hair. ‘I understand why you couldn’t tell me. You’ve been very brave to tell me now.’

  ‘Will I have to talk to the police again?’ she asked. ‘I’m so tired. I just want to go to bed.’

  ‘You will have to talk to them at some point, but I don’t think it has to be tonight.’

  ‘Can I go to bed?’

  I nodded and helped her stand – she was exhausted and drained from the emotion of crying and reliving the abuse. She leant heavily against me and we went upstairs. I saw her to her bedroom and left her to change while I went to my bedroom. I wanted to telephone Homefinders for confirmation that Joss wouldn’t have to talk to the police straight away. I explained what had happened to the member of staff on duty, and she said she’d speak to the duty social worker at the social services and then call me back. I went to Joss’s room to tell her, but she was already in bed asleep, her clothes in a tumbled pile by her bed, left where they’d fallen as she’d taken them off. I tucked her in, came out and went downstairs to wait for the telephone call from Homefinders. It was nearly 1 a.m. by the time they phoned and said the social worker had confirmed that, as Joss wasn’t in any immediate danger, the social services would initiate action the following morning, so there was no need to go to the police station tonight. I thanked her and went to bed.

  The next day would be Monday, and it was the last day of the summer holidays before school returned for the autumn term. Normally, I would do something a little special with the family for the last day – lunch out, swimming or a similar activity – but I knew that was out of the question now. Tomorrow would be given over to supporting Joss as the social services and police began their investigations into her new claim of abuse. As I lay in the dark, tired but unable to sleep, I wondered how Linda would react now that it was out in the open. Would she still refuse to believe Joss? Or would doubt start to creep in to her previously unshakeable belief in her husband? Or – the worst-case scenario – had she known all along? Certainly she had failed to protect Joss, and questions would be asked.

  Chapter Twenty

  Monday

  Having had little sleep, I was up but not dressed at 7.30 the following morning when the doorbell rang. Surprised and apprehensive at an early morning visitor, I checked the security spyhole first. To my horror, two uniformed police officers stood at my door. Oh, hell! I thought. I was in my dressing gown and Joss wasn’t even awake yet. I unlocked and opened the door.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, embarrassed. ‘I wasn’t expecting you so early. Joss isn’t up. Come in.’

  ‘Early morning is usually a good time to catch young people, before they head off out,’ one of the officers said with a smile as they came in. ‘We made this our first call of the shift. Looks like we’ve been lucky again.’

  I thought his smile and casual approach was inappropriate considering they were here to take a statement from a victim of sexual abuse. Linda had said that Ann had been lovely at the station. It was a pity she hadn’t come.

  ‘This is PC Mike Salmon and I’m Joe Davies,’ he said.

  ‘Come and have a seat in the living room,’ I said, leading the way down the hall. ‘I’ll wake Joss now.’ I thought that, while I was upstairs, I’d also quickly put on some clothes.

  ‘Has she been behaving herself, then?’ Joe Davies asked. Both officers stood with their feet apart in the centre of the living room, looking around. I nodded. ‘You’re Joss’s foster carer, aren’t you?’ he said. ‘Linda told us we’d find her here.’

  ‘That’s right. But I don’t understand. You’ve been there? We gave this address at the station.’

  ‘It’s possible they have it, but Mike and I were given it by her mother a while back. We weren’t busy this morning, so we thought we’d follow it up. Do you want to fetch Joss now and get it over and done with?’

  I took a step towards the living-room door and then stopped. ‘Sorry. Why have you come to see Joss?’ I asked.

  It was their turn to look confused. ‘Apologies, I thought you knew. She was in the vicinity of a car that was set on fire a few weeks back. I’ve got the exact date here.’ He took out his notepad.

  ‘It’s OK,’ I said. I understood now. I returned to the centre of the room. ‘You obviously aren’t aware that Joss reported a serious sexual assault at the weekend. I thought you were here to interview her about that.’

  Their expressions immediately changed and grew serious.

  ‘We didn’t know,’ Mike said. ‘That’s a separate unit. This weekend?’

  ‘Yes.’

  He exchanged a glance with his colleague. ‘We’ll confirm it with the station, but I think we should probably leave this enquiry for now.’ Joe nodded. ‘We’ll call them from the car and let you know what’s decided.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I said. I followed them down the hall and saw them out.

  As soon as I’d closed the front door I quickly ran upstairs and put on some clothes. My bedroom is at the front of the house and, once dressed, I discreetly looked out through my bedroom window. The police car was parked on the opposite side of the road and I could see the officers in the front talking on their radio, presumably to someone at the police station. The children hadn’t woken, so I returned downstairs where I made a quick coffee, which I took into the front room. I could see the police car from behind the net curtains, and a few minutes later I saw Mike get out, leaving Joe in the car. I left my coffee mug in the front room and went to answer the doorbell.

 
‘We’ve decided to leave this enquiry for now,’ Mike said. ‘Joss has enough to cope with.’ Which I thought was a kind and sensible decision. ‘Hope she’s OK.’

  I thanked him, we said goodbye and I closed the front door. I didn’t know if their decision was based solely on the allegation Joss had made against Zach or if they were aware of the new one too, and it didn’t matter. It was the right decision. Joss didn’t need any more stress right now, and neither did I.

  Joss woke just after 8.30 and came downstairs in her dressing gown. I asked her how she was and she said she felt a bit better and had slept well. I told her of the police visit and she too was relieved that she didn’t have to answer questions about setting the car on fire now. ‘I was very angry then,’ she said pensively. ‘I wouldn’t do that now.’

  ‘I’m pleased to hear it, Joss, and when the police come back you must tell them that.’

  ‘I will.’

  In my experience, once a child starts to disclose the abuse they’ve suffered their anger begins to leave them almost immediately, as a huge burden has been lifted. I could already see a lighter, more open and responsive side to Joss, and she wasn’t always on the defensive now. She poured herself a juice and then went upstairs to shower and dress. Adrian was up and dressed next, and appeared in the kitchen, hungry as usual, just before nine o’clock. I scrambled his eggs while he toasted bread and I explained that I was expecting to spend most of the day dealing with something Joss had told me late last night. From being in a family that had fostered for many years, he understood the implications and didn’t press me for details. He said that once he had his school things sorted and ready for tomorrow, he’d probably see a friend in the afternoon. We ate breakfast together and then he went up to his room.