The Story of a Doctor's Telephone—Told by His Wife

  CHAPTER XIV.

  Mary had been down the street, shopping. "I'll drop in and visit withJohn a few minutes," she thought, as she drew near the office. When sheentered her husband was at the telephone with his back toward her.

  "Hello. What is it?"

  "Shake up your 'phone, I can't hear a word you're saying."

  "Who?"

  "Oh, yes, _I_ know." Exasperation was in every letter of every word.

  "Take one every six months and let me hear from you when they're allgone." Slam! "There's always _some_ damned thing," he muttered, andturning faced his wife.

  "A surprising prescription, John. What does it mean?"

  "It means that she's one of these everlasting complainers and that I'mtired of hearing her. She's been to Chicago and St. Louis andCincinnati. She's had three or four laparotomies and every time shecomes back to me with a longer story and a worse one. They've got abouteverything but her appendix and they'll get that if she don't watchout."

  "Why, I thought they always got that the first thing."

  "You have no idea how it tires a man to have people come to him andcomplain, complain, _complain_. The story is ever new to them but itgets mighty old to the doctor. Then they go away to the city and somesurgeon with a great name does what may seem to him to be best.Sometimes they come back improved, sometimes not, and sometimes theycome back worse than when they went. In all probability the operatornever sees the patient again and so the last chapters of the story mustbe told to the home doctor over and over again."

  Mary gave a little sigh. The doctor went on:

  "In many cases it isn't treatment of any kind that is needed. It isoccupation--occupation for the mind and for the hands. Something thatwill make people forget themselves in their work or in their play."

  Ting-a-ling-ling-ling. Ting-a-ling-ling-ling.

  "Is this you, Doctor?"

  "Yes."

  "I wanted to see if you were at the office. I'll be over there rightaway."

  In a few minutes the door opened and a gentleman about thirty-five yearsof age entered. His manner was greatly agitated and he did not noticeMrs. Blank at the window near the corner of the room.

  "Good morning, Mr. Blake," said the doctor, shaking hands with him,"back again, are you?"

  Mr. Blake had been to C--, his native city. He had not been well forsome time and had evinced a desire to go back and consult his oldphysician there, in which Dr. Blank had heartily concurred.

  "How long do you think I can live?" Mr. Blake asked now.

  "What do you mean?" replied the doctor, regarding him closely.

  "I want to know how much time I have. I want to get my business fixed upbefore--"

  "Blake, you couldn't die if you wanted to. You're not a sick enough manfor that."

  The patient took a letter from his pocket and handed it in silence tothe doctor. The latter took it, looked carefully at the superscription,read it slowly through, then folded it with cool deliberation and put itback into the envelope.

  "I thought you were going to your old physician," he said.

  "Dr. Kenton was out of the city so I went to the great specialist."

  "Did he tell you what was in this letter he sent to me?"

  "No, but the letter was not sealed and I read it. I was so anxious toknow his opinion that I couldn't help it. Tuberculosis of the larynx--"his voice faltered.

  "Yes," said the doctor, calmly, "that is a thing a man may well befrightened about. But listen to me, Blake. You've not got tuberculosisof the larynx."

  "Do you think a great physician like Dr. Wentworth doesn't know what heis talking about?"

  "Dr. Wentworth is a great physician; I know him well. But he is only aman like the rest of us and therefore liable to err in judgmentsometimes. He knew you half an hour, perhaps, before he pronounced uponyour case. I have known you and watched you for fifteen years. I say youhave not got tuberculosis _and I know I am right_."

  Mary saw Mr. Blake grasp her husband's hand with a look in his face thatmade her think within herself, "Blessings on the country doctor whereverhe may be, who has experience and knowledge and wisdom enough to drawjust and true conclusions of his own and bravely state them whenoccasion demands."

  When the patient had gone Mary said to her husband, "One gets akaleidoscopic view of life in a doctor's office. What comes through theear at home comes before the eye here. The kaleidoscope turned abright-colored bit into the place of a dark one this time, John. I amglad I was here to see."

  As she spoke footsteps were heard on the stairs. Slow and feeble stepsthey were, but at last they reached the landing and paused at the opendoor. Looking out Mary saw a poorly clad woman perhaps forty years ofage, carrying in her hands a speckled hen. She was pale and tremblingviolently, and sank down exhausted into the chair the doctor set forher. He took the hen from her hands and set it on the floor. Its feetwere securely tied and it made no effort to escape. The doctor had neverseen the woman before but noting the emaciated form and the hectic flushon the cheek he saw that consumption was fast doing its work. Mary tookthe palm leaf fan lying on the table and stood beside her, fanning hergently.

  When the woman could speak she said, "I oughtn't to 'a' tried to walk,Doctor, but there didn't seem to be anyone passin' an' this cough iskillin' me. I want something for it."

  "How far did you walk?" asked Mary, kindly.

  "Four mile."

  "Four miles!" she looked down at the trembling form with deep pity inher brown eyes.

  "I didn't have any money, Doctor, but will the hen pay for themedicine?" her eyes were raised anxiously to his face and Mary's eyesmet the look in the eyes of her husband.

  "I don't want the hen. We haven't any place to keep her. Besides mywife, here, is afraid of hens." A little smile flitted across the wanface.

  He told her how to take the medicine and then said, "Whenever you needany more let me know and I'll send it to you. You needn't worry aboutthe pay."

  "I'm very much obleeged to you, Doctor."

  "Just take the hen back home with you."

  "I wonder if I couldn't sell her at the store," she said, looking at thedoctor with a bright, expectant face.

  "Wait here and rest awhile and then we'll see about it. I'll go down andperhaps I can find some one in town from out your way that you can ridehome with. Where do you live?" She told him and he went down the stairs.In a little while he came back.

  "One of your neighbors is down here now waiting for you. He's juststarting home," he said. He took the hen and as they started down thestairs Mary came out and joined them. At the foot of the stairway hesaid to the grocer standing in front of his establishment, "Here,Keller, I want you to give me a dollar for this hen."

  "She ain't worth it."

  "She _is_ worth it," said the doctor so emphatically that Keller put hishand in his pocket and handed out the dollar. The poor woman did not seethe half dollar that passed from the doctor's hand to the grocer's, butMary saw and was glad.

  The doctor laid the dollar in the trembling palm, helped the feeblewoman into the wagon and they drove off.

  Mary turned to her husband and said with a little break in her voice,"I'm going home, John. I want to get away from your kaleidoscope."

  Ting-a-ling-ling-ling. Ting-a-ling-ling-ling.

  "And I must go for another peep into it. Good-bye. Come again."

  * * * * *

  "Is this Dr. Blank?"

  "Yes."

  "This is Jim Sampson, Doctor, out at Sampson's mill. My boy fell out ofa tree a while ago and broke his leg, and I'm sort o' worried about it."

  "It don't have to _stay_ broke, you know."

  "That's just the point. I'm afraid it will--for a while at least."

  "What do you mean?"

  "Why, my wife says she won't have it set unless the signs are right forsetting a broken bone. She's great on the almanac signs."

  "The devil! You have that bone _set_--_today_! Do you understand?
"

  "Yes, but Mary's awful set in her way."

  "I'm a darned sight more set. That boy's not going to lie there andsuffer because of a fool whim of his mother's. Where is she? Send her tothe 'phone and I'll talk to _her_."

  "She couldn't find her almanac and ran across to the neighbor's to getone."

  "Call me when she gets back."

  Ten minutes passed and the call came.

  "It's all right, Doctor, the signs says so."

  A note of humor but of unmistakable relief vibrated in the voice.

  "Come right out."

  "All right, Jim, I'll be out as soon as I make my round here in town.Tell your wife to have that almanac handy. I may learn something fromit."

  An hour or two later he was starting out to get into the buggy, withsplints and other needful things when the 'phone called him back.Hastily cramming them under the seat he went.

  "Hello."

  "Is this Dr. Blank?"

  "This is Millie Hastings. Do you remember me?"

  "No-o--I don't believe I do."

  "You doctored me."

  "Yes, I've 'doctored' several people."

  "I had typhoid fever two years ago up in the country at my uncle's."

  "What's your uncle's name?"

  "Henry Peters."

  "Yes, I remember now."

  "I wanted to find out what my bill is."

  "Wait here a moment till I look at the book."

  In a minute he had found it: Millie Hastings--so many visits at such andsuch a date, amounting to thirty-six dollars. He went back to the'phone.

  "Do you make your money by working by the week?"

  "Yes, sir."

  "Have you learned how to save it?"

  "Yes, sir, I had to. I have to help mother."

  "Your bill is eighteen dollars."

  He heard a little gasp, then a delighted voice said: "I was afraid itwould be a good deal more. And now Dr. Blank, I want to ask a favor ofyou."

  "Ask away."

  "I brought four dollars to town with me today to pay on my bill, but Iwant a rocking chair _so_ bad--I'm over here at the furniture storenow--and there's such a nice one here that just costs four dollars and Ithought maybe you'd wait a----"

  "_Certainly_ I will. Get the rocking chair by all means," and he laughedheartily as he went out to the buggy. He climbed in and drove away, thesmile still lingering on his face. At the outskirts of the town a tallgirl hailed him from the sidewalk. He stopped.

  "I was just going to your office to get my medicine," she said.

  "I left it with the man there. He'll give it to you."

  "Must I take it just like the other?"

  "Yes. Laugh some, though, just before you take it."

  "Why?"

  "Because you won't feel like it afterward."

  The girl looked after him as he drove on.

  "He's laughing," she said to herself and a grin overspread her face asshe pursued her leisurely way.

  * * * * *

  Ting-a-ling-ling-ling-ling-ling-ling!!!

  "Must be something unusual," thought Mary as the doctor went to the'phone.

  "Doctor, is this you?"

  "Yes."

  "Come out to John Lansing's quick!"

  "What's the matter?"

  "My wife swallowed poison. Hurry, Doctor, for God's sake!"

  In a few minutes the doctor was on his horse (the roads being too badfor a buggy) and was off. We will follow him as he plunges along throughthe darkness.

  Because of the mud the horse's progress was so slow that the doctorpulled him to one side, urged him on to the board walk, much against hisinclination, and went clattering on at such a pace that the doors beganto fly open on both sides of the street and heads, turned wonderinglyafter the fleeting horseman, were framed in rectangles of light.

  "What _is_ the matter out there?" The angle of the heads said it soplainly that the doctor laughed within himself as he thundered on. Nowit chanced that one of the heads belonged to a Meddlesome Matty who,next day, stirred the matter up, and that evening two officers of thelaw presented themselves at Dr. Blank's office and arrested him.

  "I don't care anything about the fine. All I wanted was to get there,"he said, handing out the three dollars.

  After the horse left the board walk the road became more solid and inabout ten minutes the doctor arrived at his destination. Before he couldknock the door was opened. The patient sat reclining in a chair,motionless, rigid, her eyes closed.

  "What has she taken?" asked the doctor of the woman's husband.

  "Laudanum."

  "How much?"

  "She told me she took this bottle full," and he held up a two ouncebottle.

  "I think she's lying," thought the doctor as he laid his fingers uponher pulse. Then he raised the lids and looked carefully at the pupils ofthe eyes. "Not much contraction here," he thought. Turning to thehusband who stood pale and trembling beside him, he said,

  "Don't be alarmed--she's in no more danger than you are." He watched thepatient's face as he spoke and saw what he expected--a faint facialmovement.

  "To be on the safe side we'll treat the case as if she had taken twoounces." He gave her a hypodermic emetic then called for warm water.

  "How much?" asked the husband.

  "O, a half gallon will do."

  A big fat woman came panting through the doorway. "I got here as quickas I could," she gasped.

  "We don't need you at all," said the doctor quietly. "Better go backhome to your children, Mrs. Johnson."

  Mrs. Johnson, not liking to be cheated out of a sensation which shedearly loved, stood still. Mr. Lansing came back with the warm water. Afaint slit appeared under the eyelids of the patient. The doctor tookthe big cup and said abruptly, "Here! drink this!"

  No response. "Mrs. Lansing!" he said so sharply that her eyes opened."Drink this water."

  "I ca-an't," she murmured feebly.

  "Yes, you can."

  "I won't," the voice was getting stronger.

  "You will."

  "You'll see."

  "Yes, I'll see."

  He held the big vessel to her mouth. When the water began to pour downher neck she sprang to her feet fighting it off. He held the cup in hisleft hand while with his right he reached around her neck and took herfirmly by the nose. Then he held the cup against her mouth and when itopened for breath he poured the life-saving fluid forcefully down. Greatgulps of it were swallowed while a wide sheet of water poured down herneck and over her night-dress to the floor.

  "That was very well done. Better sit down now."

  The husband stood in awed silence. The fat woman shook her fist at thedoctor's back which he beheld, nothing daunted, in the looking-glass onthe wall. The patient herself sat down in absolute quiet. In a minuteshe began retching and vomited some of the water. The doctor inspectedit carefully. Then he went to his overcoat on a chair, felt in thepocket and drew out a coil of something. It looked like red rubber andwas about half an inch in diameter. He slowly unwound it. It was five orsix feet in length. A subdued voice asked,

  "What are you going to do now, Doctor?"

  "I am going to turn on the hose."

  "Wha-a-t?"

  "I am going to put this tube down into your stomach. You haven't thrownup much of that laudanum yet."

  She opened her mouth to speak and the doctor inserted one end of thetube and began ramming it down. "Unfasten a button or two here," he saidto her husband and rammed some more. She gagged and gurgled and tried topush his hands away.

  "Hold on, we're not down yet--we're only about to the third button." Hebegan ramming the tube again when she looked up at her husband soimploringly that he said, "Hold on a minute, Doctor, she wants to saysomething." The doctor withdrew the tube and waited.

  "I'm sure I threw it all up."

  "Oh no," he said beginning to lift it again.

  "I--only--took--two--or three drops."

  "Why the dev
il didn't you say so at the start?"

  "I wish I had. I just told _Jim_ that."

  "To get even with him for something," announced the doctor quietly.

  "How can he know so much," mused Jim's wife.

  "Now I advise you not to try this game again," said the doctor as hewound up the stomach tube and put it into his pocket. "You can't foolJim all the time, and you can't fool me any of the time. Good night."And he rode home and found Mary asleep in her chair.

  * * * * *

  Ting-a-ling-ling-ling. Ting-a-ling-ling-ling.

  "Is this you, Dr. Blank?"

  "Yes."

  "I wanted to ask you about an electric vibrator."

  "About what?"

  "An electric vibrator."

  "An electric something--I didn't get the last word."

  A little laugh, then "v-i-b-r-a-t-o-r."

  "Oh! vibrator."

  "Yes. Do you think it would help my aunt?"

  "Not a durned bit."

  Another little laugh, "You don't think it would?"

  "No!"

  "I had a letter today from my cousin and she said she knew a lady whohad had a stroke and this vibrator helped her more than anything."

  "It didn't. She imagined it."

  "Well, I didn't know anything about it and I knew you would, so Ithought I'd 'phone you before going any further. Much obliged, Doctor."

  It would save much time and money and disappointment if all those whodon't know would pause to put a question or two to those who do. But soit is _not_, and the maker of worthless devices and the concocter ofnostrums galore cometh oft to fortune by leaps and bounds, while thepoor, conscientious physician who sticks to the truth of things,arriveth betimes at starvation's gate.

  (I was startled a few days ago to learn that the average income ofphysicians in the United States does not exceed six hundred dollars.)

  * * * * *

  Ting-a-ling-ling-ling. Ting-a-ling-ling-ling.

  "Tell papa he's wanted at the 'phone," said Mary.

  "Where is he?"

  "Isn't he there in the dining room?"

  "No, he isn't here."

  "He must be in the kitchen then; go to the door and call him."

  The small boy obeyed. "He's not out here either," he announced from thedoor-way.

  "Why, where can he be!" cried Mary, springing up and going swiftly tothe 'phone. "Hello."

  "Is the doctor there?"

  "Yes. Wait just a minute and I will call him."

  She hurried through the dining room, then through the kitchen and outinto the yard. No doctor to be seen. "He passed through the house notthree minutes ago," she said to herself.

  "John!"

  "Doctor!"

  "Doc-_tor_!"

  "O, dear! I don't see how he could disappear from the face of the earthin three minutes' time!"

  She hurried around a projecting corner through a little gate and calledagain.

  "What is it?" asked a placid voice as its owner emerged from his newauto garage.

  "Hurry to the 'phone for pity's sake!" and he hurried. Mary, following,all out of breath, heard this:

  "Two teaspoonfuls." Then the doctor hung up the receiver. He turned toMary and laughed as he quoted Emerson on the mountain and the mouse.

  "I chased you all over the place this afternoon, John, when the 'phonewas calling you, and couldn't find you at all. Some people have days to'appear' but this seems to be your day to disappear. Where were youthen?"

  "Out in the garage."

  "Fascinating spot! I'll know where to look next time. Now come tosupper."