Forever Changed

  My slam nearly took the door off its hinges. It had been a suckass two weeks and having my aunt riding me to finish packing away the last of the crap from my old house was the last straw. I could give a rat’s ass about my dad’s stuff; besides, half that crap belonged at the dump.

  I threw myself across my bed, loathing the floral bedspread more at that moment than ever before. I stuffed my ear-buds into my ears with more force than I should have, sending a sharp pain rocketing through my head that for a brief moment matched the stark emotions that swirled through me.

  It had been three long weeks since the accident and Kassandra was still missing from school. The first two weeks had been understandable, but at the start of the third week I began to wonder what was up. I knew enough about her to know that cheerleading was her world and if she missed too much school her grades would slip and she would risk getting the boot off the squad. The crazy question was why did I even care? God, I don't know what's with me lately. We had attended the same schools since the sixth grade without our groups ever intermingling and yet, I could not seem to get her out of my mind since I had gotten a glimpse into her life.

  Frustrated that my thoughts were once again dwelling too much on her, I cranked up the music, letting the steady beat drown her out.

  Megan looked frighteningly small to me when I dropped her off the next morning at her new school. I could tell she was scared by the way she gave me a tight hug.

  “It’ll be fine, Peanut. You’ll be so busy learning and playing that it'll be time to go home before you know it,” I reassured her, giving her one last hug before her trembling lip could entice me to whisk her away.

  Chattwick High School was only a few miles from Mrs. Mimi’s Jr. Academy and I could slowly feel the bands of responsibility begin to release their tight hold on me. The guilt of leaving Megan behind in a new environment faded at the thought of getting back to my old routine.

  I pulled into the student parking lot thinking about how different that day would have been if my car wouldn’t have been at the dealership for a tune-up on the day of the accident. Megan and my dad would have been nowhere near my school since I would have driven myself. I maneuvered my car into the space next to Lacey’s convertible and shook off the “if onlys” that wanted to creep in again. I needed all my wits about me if I was going to face everyone for the first time in weeks.

  Every eye was on me as I made my way to my locker. It took every bit of strength I had to ignore the whispers and exchanged looks, but I kept my focus steadfastly ahead of me.

  Next would be the hardest part as I saw my group of friends hanging out by the row of lockers we had staked out as our own two years ago when we were all sophomores. I paused for a moment, taking a deep breath and willing my face into one of my trademark smiles, but it refused to obey. Lacey was the first to spot me, and I watched as she leaned over to whisper in Allie’s ear, who then glanced in my direction, flashing an obvious fake sympathetic smile. My heart dropped to my knees as everyone stopped in midsentence to stare at me. Some kind of snarky comment from me would have taken the awkwardness from the moment, but my arsenal of wit seemed just beyond my grasp.

  “Kassandra, I’m sooooooo glad you’re back,” Allie said, giving me a loose noodle hug and an air kiss that just a few weeks ago I had thought made us look sophisticated. Now, it just seemed silly to me that we pretended we were something we weren’t. My arms remained limp at my side as each of my friends gave me the same greeting. I fought the urge to push them away as the absurdity of the moment gripped me.

  My inner turmoil was halted when a warm pair of arms pulled me in for a real hug. “How you doing, kid?” the voice of my on-again-off-again boyfriend, Colton asked. I shrugged my shoulders as sudden grief began to grip me. Colton had been with me since grade school, and through the years, we had tried dating several different times, but something always seemed to be off. The few times the relationship had escalated to the making out stage, the passion was oddly missing. We had finally decided the previous year that maybe we just knew each other to well and should stop pushing something that wasn’t there. We had gone out together a few times this past year, but Colton had stopped being playful and had grown serious. I couldn’t help wondering if he really was in love with me by the way he stared at me like he had something to tell me. I had deliberately kept him at arm’s length, not wanting to deal with the drama. His sudden change of attitude had driven a wedge in our friendship, and over the last few months we had spoken to each other only a handful of times. Even standing here now in the comfort of his embrace, I felt sick to my stomach at my selfishness. We were supposed to be friends, but when things had turned less than pleasant, I had kicked him to the curb.

  “I’m here if you need me,” he said, looking at me with concern as he tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear.

  “Thanks.”

  “Sooooo, like I was saying, I think you should do a back flip off Roy’s shoulders,” Lacey said to Trish, ignoring the exchange between Colton and me. And with that, everyone's sympathies turned to mindless chatter about this and that.

  I glanced at Colton who flicked a grin my way. “Some things never change, huh,” he said wryly as we headed off to homeroom.

  “I wouldn’t count on it,” I said softly as we entered Ms. Nixon’s class together.

  Colton gave me a questioning look, but I didn’t elaborate.

  “Ms. Cole, it’s nice to have you back,” Ms. Nixon said with the first genuine bit of sympathy I had sensed so far.

  “Thanks,” I said, willing myself not to cry.

  “If you need anything, you come see me, okay?”

  “Yes, ma'am.”

  My mind drifted off as the daily announcements flashed across the screen at the front of the room. My friends' reactions hurt, but the fact that a few weeks ago my behavior most likely would have mirrored their own made me want to sink through the floor. It seemed hard to believe I had been as callous as they were.

  The rest of the morning was a painful mess as students that had once envied me now just stared with morbid fascination while my teachers smothered me with sympathy. By the time lunch rolled around, my head was pounding. Be careful what you wish for is all I could think as I now coveted the silence of my house. Colton joined up with me after fourth period, and we both strolled toward the long picnic table outside that my group always shared. I normally sat between Lacey and Trish since they both usually liked to sit by me, but as I approached the table, they shifted so the gap between them was nonexistent. Ignoring their blatant snub, I slid into the seat next to Colton on the opposite side of the table. The conversation around me swelled to an annoying pitch as I unwrapped my sandwich. Chad and Steve were loudly trashing University High's football team, since we were playing them this week. Marcus, egged on by Jack, was busy shooting spitballs through a straw at any underclassmen that were unfortunate enough to walk past our table, while Lacey, Trish and Allie gossiped about a junior who got caught messing around with a teacher a few weeks back. I almost fell out of my seat when I learned it was a teacher I had liked and to the best of my knowledge was married.

  Only Colton and I remained relatively silent as the noise from the surrounding area reached a deafening level. I glanced at Colton to gauge his reaction, but he seemed to be lost in thought.

  Lifting my sandwich to take a bite, my eyes scanned the area, looking for an escape from the many conversations going on at once. I nearly choked when I saw that I was being scrutinized by another individual.

  I took my usual perch outside the auditorium, hoping today would finally be the day that she came walking by from the student parking lot. You would think after staking out this spot for the past three weeks, I would have been more prepared when she appeared. Instead, I nearly knocked myself out when I smacked my head on a tree branch trying to duck out of sight. My heart was suddenly racing, and I could feel the sweat beading on my now throbbing forehead. I couldn't believe how good she looked, or how I couldn't
get this chick out of my mind. My friends would absolutely hammer me if they knew how I really felt about her. Like I was some kind of wuss the way I sneaked around just watching her.

  I played it cool, keeping a safe distance between us as she made her way to her locker. I wish I had the guts to actually walk up to her and say something, but there was no way in hell that would happen, especially, after she became surrounded by Lacey and the others who passed her around from one hug to the next. Of course, that tool Colton was also there, wrapping her tightly in his arms. Seeing them made me feel like kind of a jerk for believing I might ever have a place in her life, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away as they strolled down the hall together.

  The morning dragged through one endless class after another. Pretty much all I did was sit anxiously waiting for the bell, hoping if I timed it right, I might catch a glimpse of her in between classes. By the end of fourth period, I was annoyed and frustrated at myself for letting some girl dictate my life like this. Maybe not catching a glimpse of her was a sign that I should move on. Satisfied with my resolve, I dumped my crap into my locker, grabbed my iPod and drum sticks and headed outside to my favorite hangout on the north side of the campus. It was the farthest location away from any kind of administration, making it a popular place to smoke or get high, earning it the not-so-clever name of “Smokeville.” Ironically, the only thing I had in common with my friends was our taste in music and clothes. I didn’t smoke, didn’t do drugs, and wasn’t a big drinker. My dad made sure of that. Not because he was some super parent that preached the evils of drugs and alcohol. On the contrary, my dad had encouraged me to get wasted, many times. He practically blew his check every week at the bar or on weed or sometimes, even meth. He was the reason my mom left. No, I refused to even try any of it because I didn’t want to turn out like him, screw that.

  The quickest way to get to Smokeville was through the lunch quad, but the chances of seeing Kassandra were also greater going that way. I considered going the long way around the gym to avoid torturing myself any further, but it just takes too long and cuts into the lunch period.

  I spotted her the second I stepped outside. She was once again surrounded by all her friends, but didn’t exactly look like she was enjoying herself, judging by the lost look on her face. The hard part was that I would have to walk right by their table to get where I was going. My heart pounded just like this morning as I narrowed the gap between us. My plan was to nonchalantly stroll by without pausing, but I stopped in mid-step when her eyes met mine.

  Colton pounded me on the back as I choked. “You okay?”

  I nodded, still unable to speak. My eyes spilled over with tears and by the time I finished coughing to look up, the guy who initiated my fit was gone. I knew it was inevitable that we would run into each other from time to time, but it didn’t make it any easier to see him. I wanted to lash out at him for allowing his father to drive that day. The toxicology reports from the accident proved he was plastered. If his father wouldn’t have been driving, my father would still be alive.

  “Better?” Colton asked, smiling crookedly at me.

  “Yeah, I guess that bite went down the wrong tube.”

  “Wow, is that a blush?” Colton asked, stroking the side of my face with the pad of his thumb.

  “Whatever,” I said, trying to use my disinterested voice that I had turned into an art form before my dad died. All embarrassment aside, I was just happy no one else at the table was paying much attention to our exchange.

  “So, really, are you okay?” Colton repeated his question from before.

  I could have thrown out another blasé answer, but my tongue formed the words that my brain wanted to hide. “It’s just all so surreal. Everything’s the same here, but at my house, it’s like a scene from a post-apocalyptic movie or something. My mom walks around like a zombie, making very little noise, while Peanut follows me around like a silent shadow,” I said, feeling tears beginning to form again.

  Everyone at the table suddenly went silent after my admission. Go figure, when I’m choking no one even looks up, but when I spill my guts, that’s when I become the center of attention again.

  Lacey’s eyes met mine and for the briefest moment I thought she understood my feelings. That is until she stood up abruptly. “No offense Kassandra, but all this doom and gloom is seriously making my head ache,” she said, shooting me a sarcastic smile before she flounced off.

  I watched her back incredulously. That couldn’t have hurt any worse if she would have actually slapped me across the face. Trish and Allie both shot me sympathetic looks before scrambling after her.

  “What a beeyotch,” Jack said, making the rest of my friends laugh.

  Colton reached over and squeezed my hand. “She’s just being Lacey,” he said, offering an explanation.

  I sat there in shock, trying to maintain my composure. He was right, though. Lacey was just being herself. She was fun to hang out with when you were in the mood to gossip or talk about some guy’s rock hard pecks, but when it came to anything of any substance, she would tune you out in a heartbeat. I hated to admit it, but before the accident, I didn’t have much more depth than that either. It took the harsh reality of my father’s death to make me re-evaluate myself. The sad part is I hear his words more now than when he was alive.

  “Just be yourself Kass Kass. If people can’t appreciate what you have to offer as a person, they aren’t your real friends,” he had said. Of course, I just shrugged it off, thinking he didn’t have a clue.

  Now, watching Lacey disappear into the building, his words seemed more potent than ever. How had I allowed myself to become that person? I shamefully lowered my eyes. Could I really expect my friends to see me any differently after I had projected such a superficial attitude before?

  “Jack’s right. She’s a mega-bitch,” Colton whispered in my ear.

  “No, you were right. Lacey was just being herself,” I said, standing up to throw my trash away.

  The bell rang as I grabbed my book bag, giving me the excuse to bolt for the building, leaving the rest of my so-called friends behind. I had other plans at this point that didn’t include fifth period. I headed for the north end of the building and exited through the double doors toward the student parking lot. Tears clouded my eyes. Completely flustered, I fumbled through my bag to find my keys, almost reaching the point where I wanted to throw my book bag, before finding them near the bottom. I thrust the key into the ignition, threw the car in reverse and peeled out of the parking lot, all in quick succession. It felt odd leaving early since I had never really skipped before. Well, except for seventh period sometimes so we could get to cheerleading practice early. Ms. Hanson never seemed to mind. She was a cheerleader herself through college and was pleased by our dedication.

  I hit the gas and merged onto the highway, heading for the beach. I knew I should have picked up Megan since it was her first day at her new school, but I yearned to shake the confines of responsibility.

  I pulled into the beach parking lot that my friends and I frequented almost every day during the summertime. The lot was practically deserted and I climbed out of the vehicle, thankful I would get the solitude I was searching for. I used the hand-rail for balance and removed my sandals before heading down the wooden steps that led to the sand. It was a little warm today, but the shade from the storm wall made the sand feel cool beneath my feet. The sea breeze off the ocean made the waves choppy and had my hair whipping around my face. Luckily, I had grabbed one of my hair ties from the car and used it to gather my hair in the back. I closed my eyes and sank down to the sand, letting the sounds of the beach comfort me. The methodical rhythm of the waves rolling in, the wind blowing across my face, and the chatter of the pelicans played harmoniously together, drowning out the sobs I had been holding back since lunch.

  Drawing my knees up to my chest, I rested my head forward, finally allowing myself the freedom to grieve. Cold harsh reality became crystal clear as I finally accepted t
he fact that my life was never going to be same again.

  I was leaving Smokeville via the student parking lot when I saw Kassandra stumble across the parking lot to her vehicle. I watched from afar like the good stalker I had become as she climbed into her car before peeling out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell. I guess she wasn’t as ready to come back as she thought. I just hope it wasn’t because of me.

  My feelings for her eclipsed anything I ever remembered feeling before. It would suck if she felt like she couldn’t be here anymore because of what my dad had done. Maybe I was stupid anyway. How could I feel this way about someone I’ve never really talked to? I’m not even confident I could explain it to her if I had the chance. It wasn’t like I was feeling some kind of love at first sight or instant lust for that matter, although she was definitely gorgeous. The point being, I wasn’t some kind of freak. I just wanted to protect her from any further heartbreak. To see her eyes light up like they did in the family pictures the news showed on television.

  By two o’clock, I was back on the road, headed for Mrs. Mimi’s to pick up Megan. I felt surprisingly better and a little more in control of the situation after crying things out. Pulling down the visor, I peeked in the mirror to make sure I didn’t need to do damage control before going inside to get Megan. My eyes were slightly bloodshot, but the puffiness around them had faded significantly. I pulled out my compact and smoothed a little powder under my eyes to cover up the slight redness that remained. Once I was satisfied, I slicked my favorite lip gloss from Victoria’s Secret across my pale lips.

  Convinced Megan wouldn’t be the wiser about my breakdown, I headed inside. I punched our security code into the panel that would allow the double doors to swing open. All at once, the interior of the building rumbled like a freight train from the sounds of the laughing and screaming coming from different classrooms mingled together.