It’s Now or Never

  My little friend grins at me.

  I feel like passing out. ‘I need to sit down.’

  ‘Do it now,’ someone shouts. ‘There’ll be no sitting down in the Andes.’

  Then there’s more cheering and everyone crowds round me and my back is slapped and my cheeks are kissed and my newly mended foot is trampled but, thankfully, suffers no ill-effects, and tears are rolling down my face.

  I look at the ticket in my hand. London to Lima. Passenger – one Mrs Annie Ashton – bored wife and armchair adventurer, is on her way.

  ‘Thank you,’ I sob. ‘Thank you so much.’ I punch the air. Then we all do the same like the bloody musketeers!

  ‘To Peru!’ is the cry.

  To Peru. I stroke the face of the ticket. And double-check my name so that I’m absolutely sure there’s no mistake.

  I’m going to Peru. And nothing – nothing – can stop me now!

  Chapter 108

  Lauren went into the office. It made her heart pound with nerves just climbing the stairs. Yet, however reluctant she was to do this, she wanted to have a final look around and to clear her desk of her personal belongings. It wouldn’t do for the new occupant of her job to find the pictures of her and Jude together on her computer or some of the love notes that he’d written hiding at the bottom of her drawer. Lauren sighed to herself. Those were the days.

  She’d left it until eight o’clock, thinking that the offices would be deserted by then. But Lauren was surprised to see a light on in Jude’s office when she opened the main door.

  Sure enough he was at his desk, tapping at the keyboard with one hand, eating a carton of Chinese takeaway with the other. She had a moment when she didn’t know whether to go in or to turn and bolt. But it was too late – Jude had already looked up and seen her standing there.

  Lauren went over to his office and leaned on the door-frame. She tried a smile, but she didn’t think that it reached her mouth. ‘I’ve come for my stuff,’ she told him. ‘And to return your keys.’

  Jude wiped his hands on a paper napkin that had clearly been supplied with the takeaway.

  ‘Burning the midnight oil?’ she asked.

  Her ex-lover’s eyes were red rimmed and he looked terrible, drawn and tired. ‘Georgia’s thrown me out,’ he said. ‘For good this time.’

  Lauren didn’t know what to say.

  ‘I’m living here,’ he told her. ‘I have nowhere else to go. I’ve got a sleeping bag in the boardroom.’

  She looked through the boardroom windows to the table where they’d made love so many times, then pushed the image away.

  ‘I’m sorry to hear it.’

  ‘Stay,’ Jude urged. ‘Have some Chinese. There’s plenty here.’

  ‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘I’ve already eaten.’

  Jude laughed and it was a sound without humour. ‘With him?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘You probably think I deserve all this,’ he said. ‘Finally got my comeuppance.’

  ‘No. I wish you could make it up to your family.’

  ‘Looks like that’s not going to be.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she repeated.

  ‘What will you do?’ Jude asked.

  ‘I’m putting the flat up for sale,’ Lauren told him. ‘I’ll give you half of whatever profit I get. That only seems fair.’

  ‘Oh, Lauren – there’s no need for that,’ Jude said sadly. ‘You’ll need every penny, and I just want you to be happy. You deserve it.’ Then, ‘Where will you go?’

  ‘I’m moving in with Zak,’ she admitted, avoiding his eyes. ‘Why don’t you take over the flat, Jude? Live there?’

  ‘Too many memories.’

  ‘You’ll get over it,’ Lauren said softly. ‘It would make sense.’

  Jude shrugged. ‘Perhaps I will. Give me a couple of days to think about it. I don’t know how long my back will last on that floor.’ He tried to say it as a joke, but there was a sob in his voice.

  ‘Oh, Jude,’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry that it’s come to this.’

  Her ex-lover’s eyes filled with tears. ‘I think you should leave now, Lauren.’

  ‘I’ll get my things.’ She put the keys down on his desk.

  ‘Can I hold you one more time before you go?’

  Lauren nodded. He came forward and took her in his arms. Arms that she had waited and waited and waited for. They still felt good and strong around her. How easy it would be, to sink into his embrace.

  ‘I still love you,’ Jude whispered against her throat.

  She forced herself to pull away from him. ‘Be happy, Jude.’

  Then Lauren walked away. To her new life, her new love. And she didn’t look back. Not even one glance.

  Chapter 109

  Once again I’m sitting on my bed. This time I’m surrounded by carrier bags laden with gear for my trip to Peru.

  I’ve bought new hiking socks, some of those tops that you can wash out and dry within a minute, a new fleece and some hiking trousers that you can zip off at the knee to make into handy shorts. I hold them up and admire myself in the mirror.

  ‘Nice,’ Ellen says, drawling the word in an ironic manner. My daughter lounges at my bedroom door. ‘You’re not going to win any fashion competitions in that get-up.’

  I swish to another angle. ‘I think I look like a proper hiker.’

  ‘I think you look like a proper wanker.’

  ‘Ellen. Language.’

  ‘What’s all this for?’ she wants to know as she comes and moves my carrier bags out of the way – changing lounging on the door to lounging on my bed. My child flicks through the contents of the bags.

  ‘I’m going to Peru.’ I can’t help my grin.

  ‘No way!’ Ellen exclaims. ‘I thought that was all off.’

  ‘Well, it’s on again. I fly the day after tomorrow.’ But we’re actually going down to the airport the night before and staying in a hotel on site as the flight is at ridiculous o’clock in the morning.

  ‘What are we going to do without you?’

  ‘Cook, clean and tidy up for yourselves.’

  Ellen doesn’t look very impressed by that. ‘I’ll end up doing everything for Dad and Bobs.’

  ‘Only if you’re stupid – as I am.’

  My daughter groans. ‘So you’re really, like, going.’

  I bite the plastic label off my trousers and fold them carefully. Probably I should travel in my jeans as they’ll be heavy to pack. ‘Yes, I’m really, like, going.’

  ‘Where?’ Now Bobby has his head round the door.

  ‘To Peru.’ I indicate my newly purchased wares.

  ‘With that lot?’

  That lot, I think, has to fit in one very small holdall. Our luggage allowance is minimal.

  Bobby comes in and tries out the walking pole I’ve bought. The hiker’s idea of a security blanket.

  My son twirls it round. ‘You’ll look like Charlie Chaplin with this.’

  ‘If it helps me to get up those mountains, then so be it,’ I concede.

  ‘You will be all right, won’t you?’ he wants to know.

  ‘I’ll be fine,’ I say, touched at my son’s concern. ‘I’m going to take it all at my own pace. It’s not a race. I don’t need to be there first. I just need to finish.’

  ‘It does sound quite exciting,’ Bobs admits. ‘Wish I was going now.’

  ‘I was thinking about what you said – about changing your life and stuff.’ Ellen picks at her bright blue nail varnish and avoids looking at me. ‘I might go back to college. Maybe do hairdressing. I wouldn’t mind my own salon one day. Or I could do a retail management course, work my way up in the shop.’

  When I manage to shut my mouth again, I go over and hug my daughter. ‘That sounds like a wonderful idea.’

  ‘I gave them a bit of a ring today,’ Ellen continues, clearly embarrassed by this sudden rush of ambition or by the implied admission that her aging parent might just be right. ‘I’ve missed the September admissi
ons date, but I could join some of the courses in January.’

  I brush Ellen’s hair from her forehead as I used to when she was a little girl. ‘You know that Dad and I will support you in any way we can.’

  She shrugs as if it doesn’t matter, but she smiles gratefully. ‘Thanks, Mum.’

  ‘I’ve been thinking too,’ Bobby says. ‘I might give the Police Force a go.’

  How I don’t pass out in a dead faint, I don’t know. ‘The police?’

  ‘There was a recruitment thing up at the city yesterday and, well, I thought it wouldn’t do any harm . . .’ My boy tails off, also seemingly bewildered by the glimmer of ambition that has broken through his apathy.

  ‘No harm at all,’ I say quickly. ‘It’s a very laudable career. You’d be good at it. You’d make a fine policeman.’

  ‘And they give you a gun,’ Ellen adds.

  ‘Cool.’

  Obviously, my son hasn’t considered the fringe benefits carefully.

  ‘We’re dead proud of you, Mum,’ Bobs says. ‘None of our mates’ mums has ever done anything like this.’

  ‘Thanks,’ I say, tearing up. I hug Bobby, and Ellen comes to join in.

  ‘Come home safely,’ she says, a bit teary herself. ‘We both love you.’

  ‘We’re gonna miss you, big time,’ my son adds.

  ‘I’ll be back before you know it.’

  ‘The only downside about this Peru thing,’ Bobs warns, ‘is that Dad was convinced you’d never do it. Now that you’re really going, he’ll have a fit.’

  At which point, my husband appears in the doorway and says, ‘Dad will have a fit about what?’

  Chapter 110

  My children, citing urgent matters to attend to, quite sensibly scarper.

  That leaves me and Greg alone.

  In lieu of speaking, my husband opens his hands and gestures at the piles of hiking-type stuff heaped on the bed.

  ‘The company has paid for my ticket,’ I explain. ‘They didn’t want to leave me behind. I can pay them back for it when I’ve earned the money.’

  He still doesn’t speak.

  ‘I leave tomorrow to go to the airport.’

  Greg visibly recoils. ‘Tomorrow?’

  I nod. And then fight the urge to run round in a circle, screaming, ‘Tomorrow!’ at the top of my voice. ‘We’re staying at the Ramada Hotel overnight and then we fly out first thing the following morning.’

  He stands and stares at my gear as if trying to work out what it is. Eventually, he speaks. ‘I don’t know what to say.’

  That much is clear enough.

  ‘“Good luck” would be nice,’ I venture.

  ‘I never thought you’d go,’ he says. ‘Not really.’

  I want to ask why, but then I also don’t actually want to know.

  ‘Don’t go,’ he says. ‘Please don’t go.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I’m worried. Worried how you’ll manage. Worried that you’ll be hurt or fall ill.’ My husband’s shoulders sag. ‘Worried that you’ll be so far away from me. Worried that you won’t want to come home. To me.’

  Now it’s my turn to be taken aback.

  He turns to me, eyes troubled. ‘You will come home to me?’

  ‘Of course I will,’ I say, baffled. ‘Why would you think otherwise?’

  My husband looks round the bedroom. ‘What if you like it so much that you decide that you want more than this?’

  ‘I won’t,’ I say.

  ‘How can you be so sure?’

  ‘Because I love you. I love the kids.’

  ‘You can’t wait to get away from us.’

  ‘It’s not like that at all! I just wanted to do something for me. Something exciting. Something daring. It doesn’t mean that I love any of you the less.’

  Greg doesn’t look convinced.

  ‘I wanted you to come with me,’ I remind him. ‘I begged you to come with me. I’m not doing this because I want to leave you behind.’

  ‘I’m frightened that I’m going to lose you.’

  ‘Never,’ I say.

  And then Greg’s face crumples and we fall into each other’s arms and hold each other tightly. We both cry and kiss and cry a bit more.

  I don’t think that Greg will ever let me go. And now I’m beginning to wonder if I want to.

  Chapter 111

  My husband and I make love. Crazily, madly, passionately. Like we did when we were young. It’s utterly fabulous. When we’ve done it once, we do it again! Then we lie in bed cuddled up together. And I wonder why I’m going to Peru at all and whether it’s too late to cancel.

  Chapter 112

  It’s the day of my departure and Lauren has come to say goodbye to me. She’s all tearful too.

  ‘Two weeks,’ I say as she hugs me. ‘Two tiny little weeks. That’s all I’m going for.’

  ‘But it’s so far away,’ my sister complains.

  ‘And it’s full of foreigners?’ I grin as I say it.

  ‘Exactly.’

  Greg hangs back, saying nothing.

  Throughout the day I’ve wondered if I’m doing the right thing. If it wasn’t for the fact that the company had stumped up the money, I might well have cancelled. I’m wearing my walking boots so that they don’t go missing if my luggage is lost and, despite the thickness of my hiking socks, I have the coldest feet known to man.

  If Greg begged me not to go now, then I probably wouldn’t. It’s all very well talking about these things in theory, looking at the itinerary and the travel guides – but the reality is a lot more scary. I’ve only been on a plane once in my life and never on my own. Then I remember that all of my colleagues are seasoned travellers and will look after me. So I tell myself that I’m being ridiculous and it’s just nerves and that this is really what I wanted. I think too of all the times I’ve sneakily pored over my guidebook – the exotic names, the vast, unfamiliar landscapes – all the things that have made me want to do this trip and, finally, I’ll be seeing them all, I’ll be among them all. I’ll be breathing the air of the Andes, have my feet on Peruvian soil.

  I take a deep breath. I have nothing to be afraid of. This is an experience, an adventure. This is what I wanted.

  All my gear has, amazingly, fitted into my holdall. It’s at my feet now and my backpack is slung over my shoulder.

  There’s a toot from the road and I look out of the window. My stomach lurches. ‘They’re here.’

  The company mini-bus is outside and it appears that everyone else is packed inside.

  ‘I could come to the airport with you,’ Greg offers.

  ‘No, no. I think that would make it worse.’

  ‘I’m going to miss you,’ he says.

  I hug him. ‘I’m going to miss you too.’

  ‘Come on, come on,’ Lauren urges. ‘Or they’ll go with out you.’

  Greg picks up my bag.

  ‘I’m going to have to carry it myself for the next two weeks,’ I remind him. ‘I should start getting used to it.’

  Nevertheless, he walks out to the bus with me, clutching it for dear life.

  My colleagues cheer as I approach and I break into a smile.

  ‘Come on, Annie,’ Blake shouts. ‘Get on board!’

  I cling to Greg again. ‘I’m going to miss you,’ I whisper.

  He holds me to him and I wind my arms round his neck as we kiss deeply.

  ‘Oooo!’ my colleagues shout out from the bus, teasing.

  ‘Be safe.’ My husband’s fingers trail through mine as we part. ‘I’ll be thinking of you.’

  I climb into the bus and the door is slammed. I settle in the spare seat at the front and then Blake shouts, ‘Ready?’

  And everyone else shouts back, ‘Ready!’

  Before I know it, we’re off and I stare out of the window. Greg lifts his hand in a wave and I blow him a kiss. Then I watch him standing on the pavement getting smaller and smaller and smaller as we drive away from him.

  Chapter 11
3

  Lauren put the kettle on. ‘We need a brew,’ she said with a heartfelt sigh.

  Greg sat at the table.

  ‘I feel like she’s going away for months, not weeks,’ Lauren fretted. ‘Do you think she’ll be okay? I’m so worried about her. Anything could happen.’

  ‘Shut up, Lauren,’ Greg said. ‘You’re not helping.’

  His sister-in-law slapped down a mug in front of him. ‘Drink that and then go fishing. That’ll make you feel better.’

  They both turned as they heard a vehicle pull up outside.

  ‘That’s not her back already, is it?’ Lauren said. She wouldn’t have put it past Annie to bottle out at the last minute.

  Greg stuck his head out of the back door. ‘It’s Chelsea,’ he said.

  ‘Huh. We are honoured,’ grunted Lauren. ‘Wonder what she wants?’

  Her eldest sister, Chelsea, slipped out of her car, wearing dark glasses and Lauren could tell that she’d lost a lot of weight.

  Chelsea came into the kitchen and air-kissed them both. ‘I was hoping to catch Annie,’ she said. ‘It is today that she’s going?’

  ‘You’ve just missed her,’ Greg said. ‘The bus came not ten minutes ago. She’s on her way.’

  ‘Oh.’ Chelsea’s face fell. ‘I brought this for her.’ She pushed an envelope towards Greg. ‘It’s the money I borrowed.’

  The money that nearly jeopardised her trip, Lauren thought.

  ‘It’s a bit late now,’ she pointed out.

  ‘I know.’ Her sister looked embarrassed. ‘I didn’t . . . I couldn’t . . .’ Behind the dark glasses it was clear that Chelsea was crying.

  ‘Never mind,’ Lauren said more softly. ‘It’s here for when she gets back. Does this mean that everything is sorted out?’

  Their older, more perfect sister shook her head. ‘It’s looking bad,’ she admitted. ‘Richard could go to prison. The house is up for sale. One car has already gone.’ She flicked a glance towards the road where her car was parked. ‘I’m hanging on to this one by the skin of my teeth. I don’t know what will happen.’