Just Breathe

  “You really want to have sex in a car park?” I said into his lips as I ground my hips hard into his. His groan against me was all I needed to hear to satisfy my ego.

  “You will be the death of me,” he scoffed as he reluctantly pulled his mouth away from mine. “Come on, let’s go home.”

  The trip back to the apartment was quiet. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, and I could see that his mind was racing at a hundred miles an hour. My hand hadn’t left my stomach as my protectiveness of the little person growing inside of me increased. I had to protect what was now my life. My screwed-up life during the past five years had been forgotten when I was told those three words: you are pregnant.

  This little one was my new reason to breathe.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  The feeling of my hand in Tate’s and the way his fingers entwined with mine was something that I would never get enough of. It was the silent protection that it offered and the simple affection that I desired. He was claiming me as his own and showing the world that I was his and I adored it. His possessiveness of me was something that I loved.

  We walked into Tate and Tanzi’s sun-filled apartment and his hand clasped mine tightly as we stepped into the living room. I felt protected in the craziness of the bombshell I had just put on him.

  “Hey you…two,” Tanzi said eagerly with eyes that smiled and flashed to my stomach. Jack was grinning like the Joker at Tate, and they both looked pained not to be able to blurt it out. The way they were looking at me made me feel like I was a present they were desperate to unwrap. I chuckled and followed Tate into the kitchen. Those two crazies were going to be Aunt Tanzi and Uncle Jack to my baby. God help my child.

  “They don’t have a subtle bone in their bodies,” Tate snorted. He smiled thoughtfully at me as his eyes searched my face. I grabbed hold of his hand and he pulled me flush to his body in the silence of the kitchen. I could fill the ripples of his chest against me and wished that I could be pressed against his body in the confines of a bed.

  “What are you thinking?” I asked quietly, a hint of uncertainly tainting my voice.

  His eyes darkened and he looked me up and down, his eyes lingering on my lips, my hips, my breasts and finally returning to my eyes. “I’ve got two things on my mind actually.”

  I gulped and felt my body igniting. I knew the look in his eyes. “What would they be?” I threw out. Tate took a step toward me and I felt my back press against the kitchen bench, I felt my heart beating hard and the sound of Tate and I breathing together, eyes burning deeply into each other. I’d never felt so alive. His strong hands rested either side of my hips on the bench and he pressed his hips hard into mine. I felt flushed and my body was aggressively responsive. One small movement of his body and I was electric for him; I wanted him and the thought of having him right here was something I’d be happy to do. Tate moved in close to me, his lips brushing mine and his breath tickling my skin. I sighed as I felt his tongue lightly graze my lips as he licked his lips. The thought that Tate was being so seductive while Tanzi and Jack were in the other room only made it even more erotic.

  “It would involve me lifting you onto this bench, pushing up your pretty little skirt while my mouth would be sucking and biting every part of your body. My hands would trail up your legs, I would rip off your panties and then I’d reach my treasure. I wouldn’t stop until you were screaming my name and begging me for more.” His words hummed against my lips with every word and promise he spoke, his eyes were darkened in the way I knew when lust was overcoming him. He was barely touching me but the familiar feeling of arousal that only Tate could bring on was overwhelming me.

  “Tate,” I breathed out roughly. “I need…”

  A sweet smile crossed his face. “I was also thinking that you two need to eat,” he admitted and lightly rested his hand on my stomach, his voice softening and his eyes in awe. I looked at him with wide eyes and a vibrating body.

  “Jesus, Tate, you cannot do that. I feel like I almost…fuck!” I squeaked as I counted to ten in my head to try and get my heart rate back to safe levels and to stop the heat swirling around my humming body.

  “You’re a little cute, Miss Rae.” Tate kissed the tip of my nose and lifted me from my feet and placed me on the bench. “I won’t be able to do that for much longer,” he teased with a chuckle.

  “Are you saying I’m going to get fat?” I shrieked and slapped him hard on his chest.

  “Did I say that?” Tate quizzed, winking at me as he stepped away to start making something for the baby and me to eat. I giggled softly to myself and leaned back on the bench to watch him. He moved around the kitchen like a professional, he was the most amazing cook and I could watch him for hours. He was like a contestant on a cooking show, everything he cooked had to look and taste impeccable. After every meal he begged me to give him a score out of ten. It was freaking adorable.

  The thing I noticed about Tate from the beginning was that he was good at pretending that he was fine while his mind was contemplating everything. He thought he hid it from me, but I was onto him. He gave it away by the tiny furrow of his brow and the biting of his top lip. As I watched him, I knew he was thinking things through again and that his mind was going a hundred miles an hour, trying to comprehend everything I had told him today. His jaw was clenched and his blue eyes were dark and focused as he moved effortlessly around the kitchen.

  “Are you still going to go to New York?” he asked suddenly.

  “I fly out in two days. I don’t want to go,” I admitted with a long sigh. The thought of leaving Tate on the West Coast alone while he was fighting his inner demons petrified me. The strong, hard-as-nails man who had stubbornly swept me off my feet was crashing, and knowing that I was going to be away from him for a month was horrendous.

  Tate dropped his eyes and pouted unhappily. “I’m still not happy about it.”

  “Well, I’d be pissed if you were happy about it.” I smiled at him and laughed as he rolled his eyes at me and turned his back to me.

  “What are you two cool kids doing in here?” Tanzi said as she jumped up on the bench beside me. She moved her hand on top of mine and squeezed my hand. I couldn’t help but smile at her. Tate swung around at the sound of his sister’s voice and his eyes softened toward her.

  “Can I have a minute with Tanzi?”

  Tate eyes were begging me for understanding as he spoke. I dared a look between them, and it was only then that I realized just how alike they really were. They both shared the hypnotizing deep blue eyes that you couldn’t lie to, they both had the perfect pink pout and the darkness of their hair was electric. How had I never noticed? I lowered my eyes and focused on the slate tiled floor of the kitchen, but I couldn’t hide my face falling. I hopped off the bench and started walking toward the living room without a word. Tate’s hand suddenly grabbed my arm and pulled me back to him.

  “Hey, I’m okay. We’re okay,” Tate whispered as he tucked a piece of loose hair behind my ear searching my eyes with his. “Where’s your smile? I need to see you smile.” Tate placed his soft hands on either side of my face and kissed me lightly and I couldn’t help but smile.

  “That’s my girl.” He kissed the tip of my nose before letting me go. I stood in silence as I looked over him lovingly. His face was smiling but his eyes were frightened. He was anxious. I reluctantly walked into the living room and collapsed on the couch beside Jack with a huff. Jack shifted beside me and wrapped his arm around my shoulder offering me comfort.

  “Congratulations, gorgeous. Tanzi couldn’t keep it a secret. I am so happy for you,” Jack whispered and squeezed my shoulders and I couldn’t hide the smile that crept across my face. I sat with Jack as he watched football on the big screen. I couldn’t pay attention to anything beside the conversation that I could hear from the kitchen. I knew that Tate was always honest with me, but with Tanzi he was brutally honest.

  “I’m going to be a dad. We’re having a baby, Tanzi. Sav and I are having
a baby,” Tate said in shock.

  “Are you happy?” Tanzi questioned.

  “I never knew a love like this existed. I love Savannah more than anything, and the thought that she is carrying my baby is something I could never have imagined. I’m scared shitless though. The thought of destroying Savannah and our little jellybean like Dad did to us is unthinkable. I cannot risk doing that.”

  “You love Savannah, Tate. You would never do that.”

  “Dad loved Mom and look what happened.”

  “You need to stop comparing yourself to him. He isn’t worth a fucking thought. He made a choice, Tate, and now you have a choice to make. You are nothing like him. You will be the most amazing father, and you will love this little person with all your heart. I love you, but don’t fuck it up!”

  “My kid is going to have a ball-breaker of an aunt,” Tate laughed softly.

  I sat back into the couch and closed my eyes. Hearing Tate talk of the fears he had about becoming his dad was haunting, but hearing him speak about our baby was heartening. We could do this, we had to do this. I just had to make him see that he was perfect for me and for our baby.

  I jumped as Tate’s arms came over the back of the couch and squeezed my shoulders.

  “Do you understand our style of football yet?” he asked as his eyes flashed to the football game on the television that had been holding Jack’s attention beside me and causing him to yell abuse like “Touchdown, you pussy,” at random times.

  “Let’s go and eat in my room.” I followed his eyes as he nodded toward the kitchen bench at two plates piled high with macaroni and cheese. My mouth watered at the impending gorge of food I was about to have. I pulled myself off the couch and hurried into his room and sat cross-legged on his bed in anticipation.

  “I hope Jellybean likes mac and cheese,” Tate said softly as he handed me the plate that was the fullest. I laughed at the monster mountain of mac and cheese in front of me but knew that I would accept the challenge of eating every last bite.

  “You’ve already come up with a nickname?” I stuttered between mouthfuls of food.

  “Do you mind?” he asked.

  “I love it.”

  Not only was I carrying a human baby, I was now carrying a food baby. Thank god I was wearing stretch sweatpants. I collapsed back onto Tate’s bed as a food coma threatened to consume me. Tate strolled into the bedroom with just his work pants on and fumbled around his closet in search of a clean shirt. I was thoroughly enjoying the view; his body was something that dreams were made of and the fact that I had full claim to it still messed with my head.

  “What time do you finish?”

  “I should be home by one. Please don’t wait up for me, but you better be here when I get home. I need to wrap myself around that cute little body of yours.”

  “I’ll see you later tonight. I love you.” Tate leaned over and kissed me lightly. My arms linked around his neck as I deepened the kiss. “I’m the boss, I can’t be late,” he moaned against my lips.

  “Fine. Don’t be late.” I shot a pout in his direction and snuggled back into his bed and flicked through the channels on the television for the next two hours.

  The door of Tate’s bedroom suddenly flew open and Jack rushed in with wide searching eyes. I sat up quickly and felt panicked. Why wasn’t he at work?

  “You’ve got to come with me.” He rushed toward me and grabbed my hands. His hands were shaking. I didn’t have a chance to speak before he pulled me out of the confines of Tate’s bed with a force that made me stumble into his rigid body. His eyes were darting between the door and me, and he pulled me out of the bedroom and through the apartment without a word.

  “Jack, what’s going on? You’re scaring me,” I cried as we got into the lift.

  “Tate’s at the bar completely fucked up and no one can get through to him. He closed the bar at eight. He never closes the bar early.”

  I ran from Jack’s car the moment we pulled into the car park at Red Velvet. I saw Tate’s car and my heart sank. I burst through the door and scanned the empty bar and cringed at the feeling that swamped me. I had never seen the bar this empty. My eyes found Tate slumped over the main bar, his head in his hand. I stood in silence as I tried to control the beating of my heart.

  “He needs you, Savannah,” Tanzi whispered beside me. I hadn’t even heard her come to me. Her eyes glossed over as she looked at her brother helplessly. I wrapped my arms around her and attempted to provide some kind of comfort. Her twin was hurting and now she was hurting.

  I slowly walked across the bar with the feeling of having people’s eyes on me. I knew Jack and Tanzi were watching me closely. I pulled out the vacant stool beside Tate and the sound of the metal legs scraping the wooden floorboards didn’t faze him. I noticed the smell of whisky penetrating from his pores as soon as I was close to him and the half-empty bottle and empty glass on the bar in front of him were the clear culprits.

  I placed a comforting hand on his back and gently ran my hand up and down. He stiffened under my touch. “Tate,” I whispered, in a voice thick with emotion. He lifted his head slowly and he sighed at the sound of my voice.

  He turned on his stool toward me and showed a face that was contorted with pain yet still so heartbreakingly beautiful. He dropped his head into my lap and wrapped his arms tightly around my hips as if he wouldn’t ever let me go. I ran my fingers through his thick brown hair in an attempt to provide some solace. He was breathing heavily and his arms tightened their grip, as if he needed me closer. The sound of chairs being scraped against the floor broke my attention and I turned slowly to see Tanzi and Jack take a seat at our usual table. The look on Tanzi’s face was distressing; her twin was clearly in pain and she would have been feeling everything he was. I was a big believer in that.

  “I can’t hurt you, Sav, I cannot fucking hurt you.” His words were muffled in my lap, but I heard every one of them.

  I lifted his head from my lap wanting desperately to see his eyes. “What are you talking about? You haven’t hurt me.”

  “I cannot hurt you, Sav. The thought of hurting you rips my heart apart. The love I have for you is something I never thought existed and never thought I needed, but then I met you.” His words echoed earnestly through the bar for everyone to hear and my heart broke at his honesty.

  I wrapped my arms around him and held him. He buried his face into my chest and his breathing was broken. He locked his arms around my waist and didn’t say another word to me. We sat together for an hour before his breathing steadied and his grip loosened around me. He had fallen asleep in my arms. I nodded toward Jack and he and Stevie rushed towards us and removed Tate from my lap, placing his arms over their shoulder and moving him out of the bar. At the sense of being moved, Tate’s eyes flew open in panic.

  “Where’s Savannah?” His panic-stricken voice was heard through the bar. I came into view and his face settled. I walked over and stood in front of him and his eyes immediately searched mine. I placed my hands flat against his chest and stepped onto my tiptoes and kissed his lips softly. I had never felt as I needed as I did right now.

  He leaned his forehead against mine and whispered, “Please promise me that no matter what, you won’t give up on me.”

  “Tate, you’re scaring me,” I whispered. “You are mine, and Jellybean and I need you. Through thick and thin it’s just us three. We aren’t going to give up on you. We love you.”

  I watched as Jack and Stevie walked Tate out of the bar to take him back to the apartment. I stood in complete exhaustion. How was I meant to leave him like this? I was due to go to New York in two days. I smiled weakly at Tanzi as she made her way towards me with a look of panic sweeping her beautiful features. She was stunningly beautiful and even in her darkest moments her beauty shone through.

  “We better get home. Tate will need you tonight.”

  “Tanzi, I’m scared. I can’t lose your brother. I can’t do this on my own. I can’t imagine any of this withou
t him,” I blurted as tears ran freely down my cheeks.

  “He isn’t going anywhere. He loves you, he loves this baby but he’s just fighting the demons of our dad. He’s scared that he is going to be him. He will wake up tomorrow and be fine. I know he will.”

  “What if he doesn’t?”

  Tanzi grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly. “He will.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because you are the love of his life, Sav.”

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  I didn’t sleep a wink. My eyes stayed wide awake, glued to the guy sleeping beside me. Tate was passed out in bed by the time Tanzi and I got back to the apartment, and I could only snuggle into his body as his arms circled my waist. I spent the night watching him, listening to him mumble in his sleep with a frown etched on his forehead. Even though I was so close to him, it was a long lonely night.

  The morning sunshine beamed through the windows of Tate’s bedroom on what would be a long and exhausting Monday, the thought of facing the office after no sleep and a running wild mass of emotions was something I was not looking forward to, but added to that was that I needed to tell Mr. Davenport about the baby.

  Tate began to stir beside me, and he shivered as my fingertips grazed over his bare chest, tracing the outline of his tattoo. With a flicker, his eyes opened and he looked down at me with eyes shaded with hesitation.

  “Morning,” he said groggily before kissing my forehead. “What time is it?”

  “Just gone five,” I admitted softly, not even having to look at the clock. I had spent the night flicking my gaze between Tate and the clock so I knew exactly what time it was.