Scattered Ashes

  “I should probably head to the back of the church.” He offered them both a parting smile and saw himself out.

  “We should get this on you,” Sarah said, nodding to the veil.

  “Yeah.” Nicole took a deep breath and sat in a chair so that Sarah could adjust it properly and pin it to her hair.

  “Nic, don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t know why you think you’re in love with Jordan. You barely know him.”

  Nicole shrugged and looked at the carpet. “I don’t know, either. There’s just a connection there, something I can’t imagine my life being without.”

  “And could you imagine it without Michael?”

  Nicole stiffened, hating that question. “Of course not,” she snapped.

  “Just checking.” Sarah touched the front of the veil and stepped back. “Looks like you’re good to go.” She eyed the clock. “We should join your dad so we can get this show on the road.”

  “Yeah,” Nicole agreed, still feeling those hummingbirds. It should have helped that she’d made a decision about the wedding, but it hadn’t. Then again, what had she expected?

  The two of them headed into the hallway and turned in the direction of the sanctuary’s back end. Even as they passed the closed doors of the sanctuary, Nicole could hear the organist playing "Jesu, Desire of Man’s Heart," a piece she’d always loved. She clenched her teeth, thinking about the moments when she’d picked the music. She would have liked to have been able to say Michael had picked the music, too, but her fiancé had been on the road a lot. Most of the wedding had come about through Nicole’s sheer determination, and she tried to tell herself that it wouldn’t be as difficult when they had married.

  But what if it were? What then?

  She took a deep breath. This isn’t getting you anywhere, Nicole. Just focus on the ceremony.

  She brushed a stray hair from her face as they arrived at a room just off the back of the sanctuary and her father looked at them and smiled again. Above his head, the clock said they had just a few moments before Sarah would start down the aisle and Nicole would follow. She knew this was her last chance to change her mind, but she couldn’t seem to make herself do that, not anymore. Somewhere in all this she wanted to believe she had fallen in love with Michael, but it all felt as though she were standing waist-deep amid a powerful river, where the current all but knocked her down, and if that happened, she’d never be able to regain her footing. At times she had let the current push her along because it kept her standing, but she wasn’t strong enough to go against it.

  The soft strains of music started, the song they’d rehearsed as a cue for Sarah to begin walking down the aisle. She turned to her best friend and wrapped her arms around her. “Guess that’s my cue. Keep your chin up and think happy thoughts, Nic.”

  Sarah pulled away, picked up her bouquet, and headed toward the front of the church, where Nicole’s father turned to her. “Are you ready?” he asked, offering his arm.

  “I guess so.”

  Nicole stepped to him and took his arm, trying to ignore the panic she couldn’t seem to drive away no matter what she did, and just before she thought she might have it under control, the processional started, and without warning, her dad started leading her into the full sanctuary. She kept telling herself to walk and keep calm, but even that didn’t work.

  Finally, instead of meeting the gazes of those guests, she looked at her intended groom. Although she’d picked out his black tux, she hadn’t yet seen him in it, and in that moment, Michael's smile reminded her of why she’d fallen in love with him. She almost stopped walking, but her father kept leading her, his gaze traveling to her face as the only indication he felt her faltering steps.

  At the front of the sanctuary, her father gave her away, and while she tried to remember what was being said, her mind blurred as she looked at Michael. He squeezed her hand once or twice, and she returned it. Somehow they both got through their vows. The next thing she knew was that the preacher had announced they were married and Michael gently kissed her before they turned and faced the guests his hand lingering in hers.

  Hours later, they lay naked in a hotel room wrapped in each other’s arms. Although both verged on drifting to sleep, Michael absently twirled a strand of Nicole’s hair around one of his fingers as she rested her head on his chest. The sound of his slow steady, heartbeat comforted her immensely, and she felt as though she could spend the rest of her life in this position. Wasn’t that what happiness was?

  “Are you asleep, Nicole?” Michael whispered, brushing his lips across her temple.

  “Mmm,” she said, her voice lazy with exhaustion. They’d been together for a while, but knowing that they were married somehow made it so much better. Could it be that Sarah had been right--that her misgivings were just shot nerves and fatigue? She tried to look at him, but her eyes were so heavy it was a struggle to open, them which must mean she was exhausted.

  “I just wanted to tell you what a beautiful bride you were and how lucky I am.” His whisper was rough silk, and he gently nibbled on her earlobe.

  She could feel herself falling down the rabbit hole toward unconsciousness. She wanted to tell him something but couldn’t remember what, so she settled with, “I love you, too.”

  That’s when she felt the darkness sweeping her away, so she snuggled closer against him to maintain the warmth, and in response, his arms tightened around her. Nicole tried, in that moment, , trying as hard as she could to hold on to its magic even if it meant exiling all the memories of Jordan into the dark corners of her thoughts.

  Chapter Ten

  Three years later

  Jordan leaned back in his seat as he sat in the driveway, dreading going inside. Through the windows, he could see Alyssa setting the table for dinner, and he tried to remember the last time a meal hadn’t been a battlefield, with each of them sitting on opposite sides.

  “Damn,” he muttered, unknotting the tie from around his neck and pulling it free so he could undo the first button of his shirt. While that made him a little more comfortable, it did nothing to allay the sweltering summer. Sweat beaded on his forehead and ran down his temples until he wiped the runnels away, and he took a deep breath, forcing himself to get out and head inside, knowing it wasn’t going to get any easier. It never did.

  By the time he’d slipped into the dining room, Alyssa had finished setting the table and already put the food out. Their lives were running on the timetable they always did, but it no longer brought him comfort. Still, he reached out and stroked his wife’s back as he’d done a thousand times before.

  She stiffened at the feel of his fingers and edged away enough so he moved his hand back. It lingered in the air as though waving before he finally lowered it and stepped into the kitchen to grab a bottled water from the fridge.

  As he sat at the table, he spotted the wine bottle—Alyssa’s usual drink of choice, which had never appealed to him. He silently waited for her to finish setting out the breadsticks to go with the spaghetti. The two wordlessly filled their plates, and even though Jordan hoped tonight there would be peace between them, he knew it was an empty desire. It had been empty for the last year and a half and would continue until something Jordan had no control over suddenly changed.

  Or Hell froze over. He wasn’t sure which would happen first.

  “How was your day?” he asked, twisting open the bottle and staring at anything besides Alyssa’s expression. Everything else was safe.

  “How do you think it was?” she asked in an icy tone. “How is it ever?” She toyed with her noodles, pushing them around on the plate but hardly eating. She rarely ate anymore.

  Jordan, too, pushed noodles into the sauce and tried to concentrate on eating. Still, he made the mistake of looking at her and realized she required an answer. “I’ve told you that if you don’t like your job, if it makes you that unhappy, maybe you need to find a different one. You don’t need that kind of stress, and you know it.”

  S
he set her fork in her plate and pointed at him. “You always want to blame everything on my job. I actually like teaching.”

  “I didn’t say you hated teaching. I think it’s all the administrative crap you can’t deal with, and that makes you….” His voice died away, and he realized he’d started something he shouldn’t have. It definitely wouldn’t be going the way he expected it would.

  Alyssa rested both hands on the table and glared at him. “That makes me what, Jordan? You might as well go ahead and say what you’re thinking.” Her tone was low and angry.

  He leaned back and looked out the window at his neighbor mowing the yard. For a split second, he wished he were that guy-- anything to get him out of this. “Look, Alyssa, I didn’t mean anything. Really. It’s just that when you come home, you’re upset--really, really upset--and I don’t know how to help you. I wish I did.”

  “Once again we’re back to that.” She gritted her teeth and got up, carrying her glass with her as she strode to the kitchen.

  “I didn’t mean anything,” he said, forcing himself to get up and follow.

  She’d just made it into the kitchen when she whirled abruptly. “Of course you didn’t. You never mean anything, do you Jordan? Nothing that matters, anyway.”

  He closed his eyes and took a step back, wondering how they'd come to this road. He’d known they both wanted children. He just didn’t know how desperate Alyssa was for them and how angry being unable to have them would make her.

  “Please don’t,” he whispered, reaching to take her hand, but she jerked back suddenly.

  “Don’t you get it, Jordan? Keeping silent about this isn’t going to make it better. Ever. You can’t just ignore it.” Her blue eyes glared at him venomously, and she straightened her back sharply.

  “I’m not trying to ignore anything,” he snapped, thrusting his hands to his hips. “You act like none of this bothers me, like it’s so easy for me to watch.”

  “It is easy for you,” she spat, the hand holding the glass trembling so badly the wine threatened to spill.

  “What the hell do you want from me? What more can I do?” Although he’d meant to keep his voice down, he couldn’t take the way she looked at him, everything about her so accusing that even breathing seemed wrong.

  “I want you to be understanding! I want you to think about the reason my job is so difficult!” She leaned toward him, and some of the wine spilled onto her bare foot and yet it never registered. All she could do was glare at him as though everything in the world were his fault somehow.

  “I do understand!” he shouted and reached out to grab her shoulders. “This isn’t just about you, Alyssa. This was supposed to be about us, remember? Or don’t you get that anymore?”

  “You son of a bitch!” she yelled and slapped him, spilling the rest of the wine on his leg and the floor.

  Jordan immediately let her go and took a step back, feeling himself boiling with a rage he couldn’t seem to keep under wraps. He stood there for a moment, watching tears spring into her eyes as she threw the wine glass against the wall, watching it shatter.

  At one time, he would have gathered her into his arms and said all the right words, but he didn’t know the right words anymore, and he didn’t feel anything but rage. He balled his hands into fists and whirled, heading toward the door.

  “That’s right. Just pretend this never happened like you always do!” she shouted as he strode toward the office to cool down.

  No such luck. Alyssa followed him.

  "You can't just hide from this, Jordan."

  His back stiffened, and he wished he'd never come in. He'd known this was coming, but like a fool, he'd thought he could fix it somehow.

  "You can't ignore me, either." Alyssa picked up the camera, and as Jordan gauged the wild look in her eyes, she was about to throw it so he caught her hand.

  "Fine. I'm not ignoring you. I'm leaving." He jerked the camera out of her hand and rushed out the door, slamming it. For a moment he just stood there, trying to keep standing despite the frantic turmoil of his world falling apart. He strode to his car and drove away.

  As he headed away from the house, the sky opened up and rain spewed down upon the car so hard he could scarcely see. Despite the anger, he felt tears seeping into his eyes, and they quickly spilled down his face, blurring his world even more.

  “It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” he muttered, seeing a red light just ahead and easing the car to a stop. As he sat there, he forced himself to look anywhere but the mirror. Right now, he didn’t think he could take looking at his reflection, afraid he just might see what his wife saw.

  Looking around, he spotted a woman walking through the deluge. Her long, brown hair seemed familiar, and in that instant, he thought of Nicole and a day that had seemed lost until now. His heart sped up, and he veered to the left so he could park the car in at the corner. Jerking the key free, he shot out of the vehicle and ran after her, trying to ignore the violent rain hurtling from the sky like ice.

  “Nicole,” he called, rushing after her.

  She didn’t respond, so he kept running, thankfully gaining on her. At last his fingers curled around her arm and turned her. Immediately she jerked free of him.

  “Let go of me!”

  Although the long, brown hair was right, the eyes were blue, and her nose longer and skinnier. From a distance, she might have looked like Nicole, but not up close, not by a long shot.

  Jordan held up his hands and stepped back, blinking to try to clear the rain from his eyes. “I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else.”

  She glared at him for a moment longer before striding away. More than once, she glanced over her shoulder to make sure he didn’t follow. Closing his eyes, he stood there, letting the cold rain wash over him until his body was wet and numb. He needed all the distraction he could get, and when he realized the rain could never fully take away the pain drumming through him, he turned slowly and headed back to his car, feeling more empty than he had before he'd gotten out.

  He damn sure couldn’t explain why he always seemed to "find" Nicole without even realizing he was looking for her. They hadn’t seen each other in years, but somehow, whenever things felt tough, he often thought of her and wondered how things were in her life. She’d probably be married by now and have kids, and as usual, he had no place in her life.

  Of course, he realized, sitting behind the wheel, that he sometimes spent more time than he should wondering what would have happened had he chosen not to marry Alyssa and instead gone with his gut feeling that Nicole was right for him. Would he still be sitting in the rain, trying to put his world back together?

  Chilled, he started the car, more to turn on the heat than anything. He wasn’t planning on driving, but it was as if his body and mind weren’t on speaking terms as he drove without knowing where he was going or why. At times, the rain fell so hard he had to pull over and give it a few minutes to ease up; the wipers couldn’t keep up.

  Then, at other times, the drops barely spattered the windshield, and even if he didn’t know exactly where he was headed, he did understand that he needed to go somewhere--that sitting here, staring at nothing wasn’t allowed.

  The silence seemed to wrap itself around him, suffocating him, but he kept driving, promising himself there were answers somewhere. He simply needed to find them. He needed time to face Alyssa because he couldn’t do it like this.

  He looked at the camera in the passenger seat and frowned. No, he still hadn't gotten all the parts. Some of them were proving incredibly difficult to find, but that didn't stop him. He would fix it. Hell, it might be the only thing he could fix, at this rate.

  He'd arrived before he'd realized it, and even though he’d thought he was driving at random, he now recognized the parking lot. Yes, some of the landscaping had changed a bit, but not the thing he'd seemed to be headed for all along—the rope bridge just ahead, the same one where he’d met Nicole and thought everything had already been so mapped ou
t that nothing could happen to drive him away from Alyssa.

  Despite the rain, Jordan parked the car and slowly got out. As he hadn’t dried off from his previous excursion, the cold didn’t bother him much. The only thing that really distracted him was how the rain kept falling into his eyes, blinding him.

  He gritted his teeth as he reached the seam where the concrete path ended and the bridge began. For a moment, he just stood there, remembering how, the last time he’d stepped across its threshold, things seemed to change, and he wondered if perhaps, by crossing again, he could force another change. The question was, if that did happen, would it be a change for the better or one for the worse? He shook his head, and rain sprayed around him from his sodden hair. Never mind. He couldn’t imagine things getting much worse than they were right now. He didn’t even know if there were even a way to go back to his former idyllic bliss. He wanted to, God help him, but he was wise enough to know that Alyssa had to want that as much as he did or it would never work.

  Then again, it was just a bridge, and there was no point in being superstitious. It’s not like taking another step would force anything, like anything could simply force happiness. That was like a dragonfly. Some people just got lucky enough to have one light on their shoulders for a while. Catching it, however, was out of the question.

  That’s when he did edge his right foot atop the first wooden plank. The left followed, and he kept on until he'd reached the center of the bridge, roughly where Nicole had sat when they first met. At that moment, the rain abruptly died away and a ray of sunshine broke through the overwhelming grey overhead. To his right, he saw a perfect unbroken rainbow and smiled. Had he been superstitious, he might actually have believed this an omen. Hell, part of him definitely wanted to believe.

  But he wasn’t. Rainbows wouldn't change things between him and Alyssa, and even if he did end up single again, God forbid, it wouldn’t help that Nicole would now be married--happily, he hoped.