Scattered Ashes

  “He’s just a friend, Sarah--and it’s not like Michael is suddenly going to arrive to welcome his daughter.” Even before Nicole had stopped speaking, her face turned pale as another contraction seized her, and she closed her eyes, trying to focus on breathing. “Please get him,” she managed through clenched teeth.

  “All right. All right.” She slipped into the hall where Jordan sat on a bench. He looked up as she approached. “She wants you.”

  “Me?” Jordan stood slowly, unsure. “Why would she want me in there?”

  “'Cause there is no way in hell Michael will get here in time for the delivery. He missed the first one, too.”

  Jordan’s eyes bulged. “You’re kidding? He wasn’t there? No wonder she thinks he’s sleeping around. Jerk.” He took a deep breath and slipped into the room to find Nicole lying there, staring out the window.

  “Hey, you,” he said, ambling over. At first, he thought she was just turned away, but then he realized she was also crying and trying to hide it. “What’s the matter?” He pulled a chair up beside the bed and took her hand.

  She drew a shaky hand across her face. “Look, this isn’t your problem, and if you don’t want to stay, I completely get it. I just know Michael is MIA on a business trip, and I don’t want to have to do this alone again, so I wondered if you’d mind sitting with me.”

  His jaw clenched as he thought of what Sarah had revealed to him on the beach, and ever since that moment, his regrets had piled themselves into a mountain and he wished he had called his wedding off. Had he really believed Nicole had been in love with him, he might have. It was hard to say. But right now he knew his presence wasn’t helping her think clearly.

  “Nicole, I’m probably not the best person to be here with you. Perhaps Sarah—"

  “Why? We’ve always been good friends, Jordan. Why does this have to be different?” She looked up at him with glassy eyes, her expression pleading. “All I’m asking you to do is stay with me until this baby is born. That’s all I want. I know my marriage is in trouble, but this is something separate. Please.” She squeezed his hand, and as he stared into her plaintive eyes, he found himself unable to refuse.

  “All right,” he said. “I’ll stay. But you do realize I don’t have a clue what to do with a baby.”

  She might have answered had another contraction not latched onto her, stealing her breath and stiffening her body with agony.

  Seconds later, a doctor popped into the room, and everything blurred as Jordan sat beside Nicole. Sweat sheened her face, and she struggled to breathe and push as he helped support her back, gently coaching her in a way that felt strangely intimate and yet right, as though she was the missing part of him for whom he’d always searched.

  After about thirty minutes of Nicole trying to push, the doctor said, “The head is crowning,” and a few pushes later, that baby suddenly appeared. Sitting there, Jordan felt chills go through him as he watched Nicole smile and relax against the bed while hearing the newborn cry.

  “It’s a girl,” the doctor said. “You have a daughter.”

  “I knew that,” Nicole replied, looking at Jordan and dazzling him with the most serene smile he’d ever seen. She was beautiful, and he reached out and touched her face before he'd thought to stop himself. He just didn’t understand how everything could feel as though he was supposed to be with her, and this should have been his child.

  “How did you know that, Nicole?”

  “Sonogram, dopey. I’m not psychic or anything.”

  They both laughed, and the nurse gently handed the baby to him. “Your daughter.”

  “I’m not—"

  “It’s okay. Take her,” Nicole said. “Really.”

  The nurse looked from one to the other, and Jordan gently reached out and accepted the little thing wrapped in pink, and the whole time he stared at her he found himself amazed and grateful to have witnessed this. “What are you going to name her?”

  “Michelle Maddison.” Nicole smiled at the way he seemed to bond instantly with the baby.

  A nurse brought Sarah in, and she glared enviously at Jordan. “Hey, how come he gets to hold the baby?” She perched at the end of the bed.

  “Because I’m the delivery coach,” he joked, still mesmerized by the tiny sleeping face.

  "Okay, Delivery Coach, smile." Sarah held up her phone and snapped a picture of the three of them. Then she glared at Nicole.

  “Come on, Nic. I’m your best friend,” she whined impatiently, hovering close to Michael so that if he wanted to give her Michelle, she’d be ready to take her.

  Nicole shook her head. “Okay, Jordan, you might want to let Sarah hold the baby before she has a meltdown and teaches Michelle how to throw a temper tantrum.”

  Sighing, Jordan slowly eased the baby into Sarah’s arms yet still hovered just in case Sarah didn’t completely "have" her. When he looked back at Nicole, he found her eyes had grown heavy and that she was drifting toward dreamland.

  “I think she’s pretty wiped out,” he said, folding his arms across his chest.

  “Yeah, I don’t doubt it.” Sarah rocked the baby slowly back and forth to settle her to sleep.

  “Where is Michael? Does he even know that Nicole went into labor?”

  Shrugging, Sarah looked at him, a flush covering both cheeks. “I haven’t been able to reach him, just like last time, so, no, he doesn’t have a clue Nicole had their daughter.”

  Jordan eyed Nicole’s chest, confirming by its easy rise and fall she had drifted away. “You do realize he’s probably having an affair, right?”

  “I’m guessing.” She eased the sleeping baby into the glass basinet by the bed before leaning against the windowsill. “And it’s only going to make Nicole try harder to keep the marriage together, for Nick and Michelle’s sake.” She gritted her teeth, wanting to throttle Michael.

  “You know she deserves better.” Jordan nodded at Nicole.

  “And are you what’s ‘better’? Is that what you're trying to say?” She waved her hand dismissively at him.

  “No, that’s not why I’m trying to say at all. I don’t have anything to do with this. I just want her to be happy, and this jerk can’t even make sure she’s okay and stick around long enough for her to have their baby. She doesn’t need this.”

  Sarah’s cell rang, and she looked at the display. “It’s Michael.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s about damned time.” He walked off, intending to get some fresh air to cool off.

  He strode into the hallway, trying hard to regain control of the emotions that swirled darkly inside. He knew he had no business being pissed, but he also knew Nicole was right on the money about her suspicions: Michael was in the middle of an affair. Nothing else explained his absences.

  Pacing the hall, he wondered just what the hell he was really doing there. He should’ve been flattered to know just how much of a thing Nicole had for him, but knowing had only tangled his emotions that much more because he’d always had a thing for her as well. Right now, seeing what her idiot husband had right in front of him that he didn’t seem to want only made Jordan that much angrier.

  He turned to pace in the other direction and almost collided with Sarah. Stepping back, he averted his gaze. “Sorry. How’s Nicole?”

  “She and the baby are sleeping.”

  And what about Michael?” Although he tried to keep his tone neutral, even he could hear the resentment festering in it.

  Sarah folded her arms across her chest. “He’ll be out of pocket for the next few days which means I’ll be driving Nicole and the baby home so we can pick Nick up from her mom. This was supposed to be a last relaxing trip before the baby came, but I guess that didn’t quite pan out.”

  Jordan’s shoulders tensed. “He’s not even flying in to check on her?” His voice echoed loudly enough for two nearby nurses to peer over at them.

  “Lower you voice,” Sarah hissed, a bright red coloring her cheeks. She brushed the hair from her face. “This isn
’t new behavior for Michael. Of course, this might just be the straw that actually breaks the camel’s back. But I’m guessing he’s got it coming.”

  “Yeah, he does,” Jordan agreed, starting toward Nicole’s room.

  “What are you doing?” Sarah asked, catching his arm.

  “Saying goodbye. The last thing she needs is me brooding about her husband, and any advice I might give her wouldn’t exactly be neutral. We both know that.”

  He pulled from Sarah’s grip and headed into Nicole’s room. As Sarah had said, she was sleeping, so he forced himself to walk to her bed and kneel beside her. Without even thinking about it, his hand drifted to her face and lovingly stroked it. At the feel of his touch, her eyes fluttered open.

  “What’re you doing?” she asked, her voice groggy with fatigue.

  He pulled his cell out of his pocket. “I’ve sort of got an emergency back at home, so I need to leave.”

  “Do you have to? Right now?” Nicole started trying to sit up but Jordan settled his palm on her shoulder to keep her down.

  “Yeah, I do. Besides, I think you’ve got more than enough distractions to keep you from focusing too much on Michael.”

  A disappointed frown tugged at her lips, and she motioned for him to lean close, which he did. A second later, she kissed his cheek and wrapped her arms around him. “Thank you for coming with us. It meant a lot to me.”

  “It meant a lot to me, too.” His voice sounded deep and gravely, probably from all the emotions he was trying so hard to bury. Sometimes, though, there was no real way to bury things.

  Swallowing hard, he slowly eased from her embrace and slipped away, giving her one last smile before he vanished.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Four years later

  “Don’t you think I know what’s going on?” Nicole stood in the kitchen, leaning against the counter as she crossed both arms over her chest. “I’m not stupid, Michael.”

  “I never said you were,” he replied calmly, reading the morning paper. He leaned over to his bowl and took a milk-sodden bite of bran.

  “You do this every time,” she said throwing her hands up. “Why don’t you just be a man and admit it?”

  He set down the paper and glared at her. “Admit what, Nicole? You’re the one thinking I’m having an affair.”

  Nicole made a sort of growling sound and went to her purse. She pulled out an envelope of pictures she threw onto the table in front of him. The envelope wasn’t sealed, and the glossies spilled out, flashing images of Michael with a lanky blonde, both of them naked, their bodies tangled on a bed.

  “What the hell?” Immediately Michael jumped up and tried to gather the pictures into a neat pile. Unfortunately, his trembling fingers kept fumbling. “Where did you get these?”

  “Does it matter?” Nicole asked, leaning back against the counter again and glaring at her husband.

  “Hell yeah, it matters.” He finally managed to stuff the photos back into the envelope and fold it shut. “Where did you get them?”

  Nicole’s eyes grew bigger in outrage. “I have proof you’re screwing some blonde, and all you can do is demand to know how I found out?” She pointed to the pictures. “I want to know who she is. I think I’ve earned that right.”

  Michael glared at her. “How the hell did you get these pictures?” His tone was icy, and Nicole found it almost amusing that he was more protective of his mistress than he’d ever been of her.

  “I hired a private investigator, Michael. You see, I didn’t even think anyone could find you, let alone your little girlfriend.” She stepped toward him. “Just tell me--were you screwing her the day of Dad’s funeral? Or maybe when I gave birth to your kids?”

  Michael pointed at the pictures. “You leave her out of this.” He kept staring at the envelope, and Nicole wondered if she had ever known her husband at all.

  “I’d love to leave her out of this, Michael. Truly. But you dragged her into to our marriage, and now I want to know her name and how long you’ve been sleeping with her.”

  His shoulders sank, and he rubbed his forehead as though a headache had blossomed there. “I’ve been seeing her for five years.”

  One of Nicole’s knees buckled, and she sagged against the counter. Michael reflexively reached to steady her, but she said, “Don’t touch me.” She walked around the kitchen, trying not to look at their home-- trying not to remember when they’d bought the vase on the kitchen counter or when the photos on the walls had been taken. The house was loaded with too many memories, but now they threatened to overwhelm her. “So tell me why, Michael. I loved you. I devoted my life to you. And we have kids. What didn’t I do?”

  He bowed his head and his shoulders sank, and for the first time, she saw his eyes soften in pain. “Because I fell in love with her. I didn’t mean to. It just happened.”

  “So what’s her name?” she demanded. She didn’t know why it mattered. It just did.

  “Kelsey. Kelsey Roberts.”

  Tears pricked her eyes and she tried to keep them from flowing down her face, but they came, anyway, as she realized how pointless it had been to try to salvage this marriage. It would take both of them wanting that--that, and a few miracles. Even if she could count on the miracles, Michael didn’t want this.

  “I never meant to hurt you,” he began, and stepped toward her.

  “It doesn’t matter what you meant, only what you did. Get out.”

  She waited for him to argue, to plead his case--she'd expected it-- but instead he walked past her. It was only when she heard the front door open and quietly close that she knew it was over--really, really over--and for the first time she was terrified. The tears came hard and fast, blinding her as she fumbled for the kitchen table and fell into one of the chairs as the sobs consumed her.

  She rocked back and forth as the emotional storm ripped through her, and even though she tried to tell herself she’d known this day had been coming, it didn’t help. She’d thought he would at least have apologized for breaking their vows. Instead, he'd been furious at having been caught.

  Had Michael ever truly loved her? She didn’t know what to think. Her head hurt from all the tension, and she couldn’t seem to stop the pain and tears exploding through her. She constantly brushed her hand across her face, trying to wipe them away.

  “Mommy?” a small voice said.

  Nicole looked up to find Michelle standing in the doorway, her long, brown hair falling toward her face, not quite hiding fearful brown eyes that seemed so large amid her thin face.

  That forced Nicole to take a deep breath, wipe her face one last time, and paste on a smile she didn’t feel. “Hey, Baby. Did you wake up from your nap?” She patted her lap so her daughter would walk over.

  “Did you get a boo boo, Mommy?” Michelle asked, taking slow, cautious steps toward Nicole. Her daughter had always seemed older than she was, probably because of those soulful brown eyes.

  “A boo boo? What makes you think that?” Nicole asked, wrapping her arms around her daughter and giving her a hug.

  “Because you’re crying.” Michelle touched Nicole’s damp cheek, her small fingers gently brushing against her mother’s skin.

  At that moment, Nicole wanted to burst into tears again because the last thing she wanted her child to know about was the uncertain future ahead of them both, yet instead of giving way to her emotions, she gently drew her daughter close and kissed her forehead. “Everything is going to be okay. Mommy is just tired.”

  That seemed to satisfy Michelle, and Nicole cuddled with her a few more moments just to be sure her daughter didn’t feel the undercurrents that lingered in Nicole’s mind. Then she gently patted her daughter’s back and suggested she go play.

  Michelle eased up from Nicole’s lap and gave her mother one last look before skipping from the room. In that instant, the fake smile Nicole had been forcing into place abruptly vanished. With a trembling hand, she reached into her purse and pulled out her cell. Taking a deep b
reath, she dialed Sarah’s number and waited for her best friend to answer.

  When she heard her best friend’s chipper voice, she said, “I was wondering if you could come over? I really need to talk. It’s about Michael.”

  That was all Nicole had to say before disconnecting the call and waiting for Sarah to show up.

  * * *

  Sarah kept shaking her head as she stared at the photos, and the only real giveaway about how angry she was getting was that with each progressive image, she smacked the photo against the counter harder and harder.

  “I don’t know what to do,” Nicole said softly, resting her elbows on the table so she could cradle her head in her hands.

  Another photo smacked loudly against the counter. “You don’t know what to do?” Sarah raised her voice, but Nicole gestured for her to be quiet. Then, as if on cue, Michelle walked in. When she spotted Sarah, her eyes grew big, and a smile lit up her face. Sarah glanced at the photos in horror and flipped them over to hide Michael’s indiscretion from his daughter.

  “Aunt Sarah!” The little girl flew toward Nicole’s best friend, and Sarah opened her arms wide.

  “Wow, Squirt, you're getting so big!”

  As the two embraced, Nicole got up and started a pot of coffee. Although she liked coffee, right now she wasn’t doing it because she actually wanted something to drink; she was just trying to keep herself busy, her hands moving.

  “What’cha doing over here?” Michelle asked and then squealed as Sarah began tickling her.

  “I’m visiting your mom, silly.” She kissed Michelle’s forehead.

  “Are you gonna make her feel better? She was crying a little while ago.” Both Michelle and Sarah turned to her.

  “Yep,” Sarah said, smiling as she tousled the little girl’s hair. “That’s exactly what I’m here to do, and I bet if you run over and give her a big hug, she’ll feel even better.”

  “’Kay.” Michelle hopped down and rushed to throw her arms around her mother and squeeze her as hard as she could.

  “I love you, Mama.” She peered at her mother with luminous brown eyes Nicole could never resist.