The Pace

  When I reached my room, I saw the copy of Othello on my desk, and it reminded me that I had a paper due at midnight. I sat down at my computer to log onto my class so I could confirm how many pages the paper needed to be. When I logged on, I could see that almost the whole class was online, too. We were probably all working on this thing, procrastinating together.

  I clicked on the assignment link and saw that it had to be three to five pages. That was nothing. I could easily write five pages on being stupid. This paper was going to be especially easy and bitter after what had happened last night.

  I pulled up an empty Word document and sat there staring at my screen, a crease developing in my forehead. After a few minutes of thinking, I began typing my title: “Othello: Too Blind to See What Could Have Been.” It was one of the best papers I had ever written, and although I got an A, it was little compensation for how I felt.

  By Wednesday night, I hadn’t heard from Wes at all, and I couldn’t stand the distance between us. I called him, but I was only greeted by his voice mail. After several calls and unanswered messages, it became clear to me that he’d meant what he’d said. There was no mistake that he’d take back the next day. I felt completely hurt, frustrated, and angry all at the same time.

  I didn’t understand how everything could be fine one day and then the next, my whole world could be turned upside down. I tried to convince myself that he was an evil person, but that didn’t fly. He wasn’t evil. I almost wished he had been incredibly mean and awful to me, then it would’ve made it that much easier for me to get over him. But, he wasn’t mean at all. He had managed to break my heart as nicely as possible. I even remembered the pain in his eyes when he’d said it, and he did sound sorry about breaking it off, so it still didn’t make sense. Then why? I kept asking myself. What was it that had him backpedaling?

  I found myself just as confused, then, as I had been the day I’d first met him. Everything was a mystery when it came to him, and that both bothered me and motivated me to try one more time to reach out to him. I was tired of leaving messages and not getting a response, so I tried sending an email hoping he would give me something. If he didn’t want to talk to me, he could perhaps reply in writing. I opened my email and began my message:

  Wes,

  I’m not sure what I did, but I’m sorry. I truly am. You’re making it clear that you don’t want to talk to me, but I refuse to believe this is how we end. Please give me some answers. Please give me something. I miss you.

  Love,

  Sophie

  By Thursday, there was still no response from him, and I was falling into a minor state of depression. I lay around on my bed practically doing nothing all day, every day. I was a zombie. I did my schoolwork, and as soon as I was done, I went to bed. I was miserable. I lost track of how many times I cried in my room, but I did a pretty good job of not letting my mother know how bad it was. She left me to my privacy. I suspect she knew I was not myself, but when I was around her, I did a decent job of carrying on her theme that it was his loss. I pulled myself together long enough to go downstairs for food and to have enough conversation with her that she didn’t need to feel worried. Maintaining that was going to be difficult while I was on campus, but I had to try.

  Driving to lunch that week, I was fine. I knew he wouldn’t be there before my lunch, so I could concentrate on having a somewhat relaxing lunch. It was the leaving that I was worried about.

  I had almost gotten used to the idea of not seeing him, so I was afraid a fresh image in my brain would make me ache more. However, on the other hand, I worried about not seeing him, because it would mean he was purposely avoiding me. I largely considered what would be the worse of the two, but never anticipated the true ache I was about to feel.

  After lunch with my mom, I headed back toward my car. It was rather chilly that afternoon, so I put my hands in my pockets as I walked. It helped calm the nerves, but it didn’t help with the pounding in my chest as I neared the wooded path that took me straight to the parking lot. My heart was beating so hard, I thought it would jump out of my chest. I tried to regulate it by pacing my breathing, and that was when I saw him.

  He was about fifty yards down the path, but I knew it was him right away. He had on his large, wool zip-up gray coat and his navy hat pulled over his ears. No one else would’ve been dressed that warmly in fifty-degree weather. It was definitely him. I started to perk up a little as I realized he wasn’t going out of his way to ignore me.

  Just as I was about to veer toward his side of the path to cut him off, he began smiling and laughing. It took just a few seconds after that for it to register in my brain that he was walking with someone. My eyes diverted to a petite blonde walking beside him. When he laughed, she laughed. At one point, she seemed so tickled with him that she leaned in toward his body and patted his chest with her hand.

  I was furious. I had only a minute or so before we would pass each other on the path. Several things shot through my mind. One of them being to pull out every last strand of the girl’s long hair, and the other was to shove both of them off the path. I couldn’t believe it. It was so unbelievably tacky and hurtful. I knew if I said anything at all, it would only come out in a bunch of gibberish, because I was so dumbstruck and hurt at the same time. I feared my words would betray me in the form of rambling nonsense, so I tightened my lips. I couldn’t bear anymore embarrassment. As they drew closer, I looked toward the ground. I turned my head down and away so neither one could see my face. She was still giggling as they walked by. After they passed, I managed to mumble the word, “Thanks.” And I knew he could hear me.

  It took everything I had not to break into a sob when I got into my Jeep. I found myself wanting to ram into another innocent car, but I decided against it. I went to the overlook instead. Thankfully, no one else was there. I stayed in my car, leaned over my steering wheel, and cried. I felt like a complete idiot. I was both sad and angry with myself for believing in him. I’d convinced myself that he was interested in me. I had fallen for him, without a doubt, and I was stupid to believe it was reciprocated. Kerry was right. She always tried to be so supportive, but I could tell in her tone that she didn’t even believe it was possible for him to be that perfect. We were just high school girls, and he was a college boy, magnificent, a wonder. I was foolish to think that a girl like me could hold him.

  It took me about twenty minutes to pull myself together. I promised myself, as I looked out over the hills that day, that he would not be the cause of any more sad or angry tears of mine. If that was what he wanted to do, then I wasn’t going to stop him. I wasn’t going to be that girl and let a guy ruin me.

  I revamped my thinking that afternoon. I missed him, and I wasn’t going to lie to myself and say I didn’t, but I wasn’t going to let the idea of him control my life anymore. I had no choice but to pick myself up and move on. I had been fine before I met him, and I was convinced I would be fine afterward. I had to be.

  I worked really hard that afternoon at the bookstore. I asked Dawn to switch the stacking for the register. I wanted to be doing something hands-on that required me to concentrate on more than just waiting to ring someone up. I managed to stack two whole carts of books before Dawn walked back and asked me what pills I was on.

  “Nothing,” I told her, laughing. “Just trying to keep busy.”

  “Let me guess. Something with Wes?”

  “Whatever would give you that idea?” I replied, still stacking.

  “Well, he’s driven by here about three times.”

  “He did what?” I asked, turning to look at her.

  “Yeah, I think he was looking for you at the register.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked back, quickly heading toward the front with the cart.

  She was following me now. “Yeah, but that was about a half-hour ago. What’s going on?”

  “Well, if you really want to know, he broke up with me on Sunday, and today I saw him with another girl. Interesting, huh?” I?
??m not sure she was expecting that much drama.

  “Are you serious?” she said, tightening her lips.

  “Very.”

  “Then why the drive-by?” She seemed to be talking to herself out loud, so I didn’t reply. “He has a lot of nerve,” she said.

  You’re right about that, I thought, as I headed to the counter to grab another set of books.

  “He probably feels bad,” she added.

  “As he should,” I said, between pounding stacks of books on my cart. I was not one to feel sorry for myself, so if he was checking to see whether I’d killed myself, he was wasting his time. “I don’t really care,” I said, wheeling the cart back to an aisle. It gave me no comfort whatsoever that he had driven by. He could’ve driven in circles a hundred times and it wouldn’t have made up for the hurt I felt.

  I finished putting all the books on the shelves and was sitting behind the counter with Dawn. We were both bored, so I started thinking about something to do. I really didn’t want to go home and be alone. Dawn and I got along well at the store, but we’d never really hung out beyond that. I was always with Wes, and it never really came up, but now, I thought it might be a good time to start.

  “Hey, Dawn, what are you doing later?” I asked.

  “Nothing, why?”

  “Do you want to do something? Like maybe a movie?”

  She smiled and leaned her elbows on the counter. “Oh, I see, you need to get your mind off of Wes.”

  “Is it that obvious?”

  “Yes, but I don’t mind. We can go out. It’ll be fun. Who needs him?” She said, smiling.

  Chapter 13

  GRAVITY

  I hadn’t been out with a friend in a long time, and I was glad to be doing it again. I threw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and pulled my hair up in a loose ponytail before heading out the door for a girls’ night. When I arrived at her house, she was already coming out to greet me.

  “Hey, I have an idea,” she said, as soon as she got in.

  “Shoot,” I replied, giving her my full attention.

  “Let’s go to a party instead.”

  “What party?” I was ready to go out, but I didn’t have a party in mind. I wasn’t so sure about that. I really just wanted to go to a good old-fashioned movie with a lot of popcorn and chocolate.

  “Some friends I know are having one. It’ll be fun for you to get out. Come on. We can do a movie anytime.”

  I didn’t want to go to a party at all, but at that point, I would’ve been open to trying anything. I just wanted to keep from thinking about Wes.

  The party was at a huge house on the hillside. There was an outdoor pool in which kids were actually swimming. I didn’t know anyone, but Dawn took me by the hand and introduced me to a few girls she knew. I didn’t remember their names, but I tried to be polite. There were several people lounging around the pool area, and there were more inside dancing. None of them looked younger than eighteen.

  “How do you know these people?” I asked over the music.

  “Oh, they’re Danny’s friends. This is his friend Jared’s house.” They were not people she knew from school. They were older kids. I felt so out of place. Danny was twenty-one. I looked around some more and noticed guys and girls drinking, and it was very uncomfortable.

  “Are these all college kids?”

  She laughed. “If you call taking one class and living with your parents a college kid, then yeah.” She rolled her eyes. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.” She disappeared through the crowd too fast for me to object. Perfect. Here I was standing in the middle of a room with a bunch of people I didn’t know. It felt like the first day of school all over again. Everything I hated. It was awful.

  I decided I needed some air, so I went out to the patio. Most people were having fun and nobody really paid attention to me, which was good. I watched some guys jump in the pool. It must have been heated, because they were shiver-free and having a great time.

  There were also several girls giggling around the edge, sitting with their legs in the water. I watched as two boys swam over and pulled them in, fully clothed. They each let out an ear-piercing scream, and it made me laugh a little.

  Dawn found me, bringing us two cups full of punch, and we sat down on a stone ledge. I took one whiff of the cup and knew it wasn’t just punch, so I passed. I set the cup beside me on the ledge and listened as Dawn pointed out more faces to me.

  “See those two?” She was pointing to a girl who looked about our age, and an older-looking guy wearing a mint green polo shirt with the collar flipped up. “They’re supposed to be dating, but he calls me all the time. Scum bag. And that guy.” She pointed to a different guy who had messy chestnut hair and a scruffy face. “His name is Quinn. He’s twenty. I have his number in my pocket. I’m so not going to call him. He’s so lame. They all are,” she added confidently.

  “Then why are we here?”

  “Because I’m waiting to see Jackson. He’s Jared’s younger brother. He may not be here though. He doesn’t really hang with his brother’s crew.”

  “Why didn’t you just call him to see if he was going to be here before we came all the way out here?”

  “Because I’m too much of a frickin’ coward to do that. I’ll use you as my excuse. I’ll tell him Danny invited you.” She smiled and continued. “Besides, I’ll take my chances. If he doesn’t show up soon, we’ll leave.”

  That sounded just fine to me. I was already eager to leave.

  Just as I was about to stand and try to find something regular to drink, the one identified as Quinn came over to Dawn and offered her another cup of punch. She looked down at the one she was sipping on and it was just about empty, so she said, “Sure, why not?”

  “I’ll be right back, Dawn. I want to see if they have water or something.”

  Quinn took no time sitting in my spot, and I looked back to see Dawn scooting away from him. I figured I should hurry so I could come back and spare her from Mr. Scruff.

  I went into the house in search of a drink, but the only thing I found was a big bowl of the same bitter punch everyone else was drinking. I was about to give up when a friendly voice interrupted my retreat.

  “Can I help you find something?” he asked.

  “Danny!” I said, all too happy to see him. Finally, there was someone I knew. “I was just looking for a water or something.”

  “Come on, I’ll find you one in the kitchen.” I followed him as he maneuvered his way through the crowded room, constantly looking back to make sure I was right with him. He was naturally good looking, like Dawn, but he was always dressed a little too grungy. Tonight he looked nice. It was the first time I’d seen him away from the store. I was so used to him wearing the same pair of jeans and flannel shirt all week that his choice of a white T-shirt took me by surprise. It screamed clean. “What are you doing here?” he asked, looking back.

  “Dawn brought me. She wanted to stop by.”

  “Oh great. Tell her she’d better get home before I find her myself and tell her. She’s too young to be here.”

  “Yeah sure,” I said, as we entered the kitchen. I guess it was embarrassing for your little sister to show up at your friend’s party, and she was only seventeen, but she seemed to know a lot of people there. I thanked him for the water and maneuvered my way back toward the patio.

  My path was intercepted by a tall, sandy-haired guy. He wasn’t bad looking, but he was not at all my type, if I even had a type.

  “Hey, I’m Chase,” he said, leaning in to be sure I heard him over the noise.

  I had to tilt my head back to keep his breath off of my ear. “You have pretty eyes,” he said.

  I wouldn’t have been interested anyway, but his lack of creativity really disappointed me. “Thanks,” I replied, stepping aside.

  He was back in my path. “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “No thanks. My friend is waiting,” I said, trying to be polite. He put his arm up on the door hing
e to block my way. I looked up and noticed his sleeve pulled back. There were several needle marks in his arm. His eyes were also wet looking, almost resembling the shine in Wes’ but blue and not nearly as pretty. In fact, his looked like he was on something, and by the look of his arm, I was willing to bet he was. Thanks, but no thanks, I thought.

  “Are you sure?” he asked.

  “Yes. I am sure,” I said, shoving my way through to the patio.

  I headed back over to the stone ledge in time to see Dawn walking away with the Quinn guy. He had his arm around her, and I thought that was strange. She hadn’t sounded too interested in him before, but I didn’t want to be a third wheel, so I sat back down on the ledge sipping my water.

  I was a little irritated sitting there by myself. I scowled after her in the darkness, and I noticed her tripping over her own feet as she walked. Quinn had his arm firmly around her waist, holding her up. That was odd. She was practically falling over, which made me think she wasn’t coherent enough to make the decision to go off into the woods with a stranger. I followed after them. The path led along the street and up into a little grassy wooded area.

  I stepped onto the trail they had taken and saw her lying on the ground completely out of it. Her eyes were rolled into the back of her head, and he was bending over her copping a feel.

  “Hey! What are you doing to her? Leave her alone,” I shouted, moving in.

  He stumbled to his feet clumsily and grabbed me by my sweatshirt. “Mind your business, little girl,” he said, slurring his words. I was pushing to get past him, but he was too heavy, and he shoved me backward instead. I lost my balance, and my heels rocked backward. I was falling until I hit a rock-hard figure behind me. I was grabbed under my armpits, and I started to shout, but a hand was clamped over my mouth. I started kicking. Arms quickly turned me around, and I saw that it was Wes.