Coco Pinchard, the Consequences of Love and Sex

  ‘Did they give you a leaflet love? What to do next?’ I asked.

  ‘No leaflet, but basically I can never drink or do drugs again…’ We let this sink in for a moment.

  ‘You know what I do fancy that’s not been banned?’ he said.

  ‘What?’ I asked, nervously.

  ‘A Mc Donald’s breakfast.’

  ‘I think we can arrange that,’ said Adam. We drove around and found a little Mc Donald’s on Earl’s Court Road. We ordered three breakfasts, each with a towering latte.

  ‘Oh my God this is good,’ said Rosencrantz digging in. ‘The food in rehab was horrible.’

  ‘Thank you for your letter, love,’ I said. He grinned. He looked tired and worried, but his eyes had lost that haunted look.

  We told him all about selling the house, and moving, and the work going on at Strangeways Farm.

  ‘I don’t know how you’re fixed Rosencrantz,’ said Adam. ‘But I have to go away next week and project manage the house being redone. I wanted to know if you could look after your mum, be there to drive her to hospital if she goes into labour?’

  ‘You’d trust me to do that?’ said Rosencrantz.

  ‘Yeah, I would,’ said Adam. ‘She’ll also keep you busy, she can’t pick up anything or tie her shoes!’

  ‘I’ve got the dead woman’s grabber though!’ and I told Rosencrantz the story of the short lady who drowned, and Kim Jong Lill, the Chinese kleptomaniac who actually stole the twelve pounds from Ethel’s handbag.

  ‘I’m so happy, not about the lady who drowned obviously, but that Nan knows I didn’t steal from her handbag,’ said Rosencrantz.

  Monday 15th July

  Rosencrantz is taking his role of designated driver very seriously. He has pinned a big map of London on the kitchen wall, and has drawn red lines from our house to University College Hospital. He has also stuck pins in at intervals along the route.

  ‘Why did you have to get such a huge map?’ I asked. ‘This goes down as far as Morden.’

  ‘Mum, stop moaning, this is serious. Now the route is fairly straightforward…’

  ‘What are these pins for?’

  ‘They are places where I can buy isotonic energy drinks and wet wipes, in case there’s a traffic jam. I also got these.’

  He pulled out a huge plastic bag full of change.

  ‘You can only park outside the hospital on a meter,’ he said.

  I was quite horrified with the sheer amount of coins in the clear plastic bag. All that money represented time on the meter, time that I could be in labour.

  Thursday 18th July

  The delivery of the new windows for the farmhouse is delayed until tomorrow afternoon, so Adam came back for the night. At eight in the morning we practised the route, driving from outside the house to the front of the hospital. It’s less than two miles, but the traffic was horrendous, and it took an hour.

  ‘The route planner said twelve minutes,’ said Rosencrantz looking in dismay at the stopwatch on his phone.

  ‘It’s rush hour. It’ll be much quieter after ten.’

  ‘But the baby doesn’t know that. What do we do if you go into labour during rush hour?’

  ‘It’s okay. Babies never come as quickly as they do in TV and films.’

  Rosencrantz and Adam exchanged scandalised glances. I persuaded Adam to let us come and see what’s happening at Strangeways Farm.

  ‘Cokes, it’s all up in the air, things are waiting to be put in…’

  I said I wanted to see it, and that Rosencrantz could drive me back in the car, so we’d have transport while he was away.

  After lunch we drove down to Kent. Adam has removed the old orange sign at the bottom of the drive, and it’s been replaced with another reading “STRANGEWAYS WORKS ACCESS”

  There was heavy rain over the past few days. The back wheels of the Ka sank into the driveway and got stuck, whirring round and spraying mud up the back windows. We had to call Chris, who came to pull us out. He stepped down from the Landrover wearing a flat cap, long green wellies and a wax jacket, looking every inch the lord of the manor.

  ‘You shouldn’t be here Cokes. What if you go into labour?’ he asked.

  ‘Then we’ll drive home,’ I said through the car window. Chris didn’t look happy about this. ‘From when the waters break to when you actually give birth takes hours,’ I added.

  ‘Coco. There’s a whole article in this week’s Take a Break about women who gave birth quickly. One woman did it in four minutes, she sat on the loo, and it just popped out!’

  ‘Well however long my labour takes, I’m here now and I want to see the house,’ I said.

  Chris rolled his eyes, squelched over to the front of the car and hooked on a rope. He attached it to the back of his land rover and pulled us out and along to the house.

  ‘I didn’t want you to see it like this,’ said Adam when we were standing in the front garden that had been churned up by endless vans. The first thing I noticed were the new doors and double-glazed windows.

  ‘This is perfect,’ I said opening the solid front door. It was blond oak with a gold letterbox. We went inside and the house had a delicious wood smell. Blond oak double-glazed windows had been fitted in every room. The rustic farmhouse-style kitchen I picked out online had been fitted, with granite work surfaces and a stone sink under the window, looking out onto the deer park.

  ‘Oh my god,’ I said putting my hand to my mouth.

  ‘It’s your waters? Shit. You’re not having a Take a Break moment are you?’ asked Chris.

  ‘No! It’s just all the more real. I want to be here now, with this view.’ I said.

  ‘Maybe I should have shown you upstairs first,’ said Adam.

  ‘Let’s not see it, the bathroom is just an empty shell,’ said Chris, still convinced I could have a Take a Break birth and there was no toilet to catch it in. After one last look at the view, we said goodbye to Adam and Chris, and Rosencrantz drove us home. Although home is suddenly feeling like Strangeways Farm. I can’t wait to move.

  Sunday 22nd July

  The weather is beautiful at the moment. We’re spending all our time sitting in the garden under the shade of the pear tree, drinking iced tea. Daniel surprised me with a phone call saying he wanted to come and visit with Jennifer, to see the house for the last time.

  I was prepared for an awkward afternoon of Daniel lamenting his lost home and what is owed him, but it was rather surprising. First they announced that Jennifer is pregnant.

  ‘Pregnant? Congratulations!’ I said.

  ‘You seem to have set the trend for old mothers!’ Jennifer grinned. ‘Well mature, um sorry.’

  ‘It’s okay,’ I said. ‘I’m just surprised.’

  ‘What I meant to say is that you’ve proved it’s never too late to move on and do all the things you dreamed of. I always wanted a baby,’ said Jennifer.

  ‘Was it a surprise, Dad?’ asked Rosencrantz.

  ‘Well, at first, yes. I’m very happy,’ he said grabbing Jennifer’s hand and kissing her.

  ‘Why don’t you show me round the house?’ said Jennifer to Rosencrantz. I could sense she was deliberately leaving me alone with Daniel.

  ‘Sure,’ said Rosencrantz, and they went off inside. Daniel pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his jeans.

  ‘Do you mind Cokes?’

  ‘No. Go on,’ I said.

  He lit up and filled up my glass from the jug on the table. He grinned at me.

  ‘What?’ I asked.

  ‘Do you remember the first time I came to this house?’

  ‘Yes. It was Christmas and you pretended to be a carol singer so you could see me.’

  ‘Your mother wouldn’t have opened the door otherwise,’ said Daniel taking a drag of his cigarette.

  ‘Would you do the same for Jennifer?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘If you couldn’t see her. Would you traipse across London in the cold and refuse to take no for an answer?’

&nbs
p; ‘Yeah. I would,’ he grinned. Then he looked serious. ‘Cokes. Do you ever think about what would have happened if I hadn’t…’

  ‘If you hadn’t met me?’

  ‘No. If I, if you hadn’t… caught me shagging Snow White in our bed.’ He seemed serious.

  ‘I used to Daniel, all the time. But not much now.’

  Daniel turned to check that Jennifer was still inside with Rosencrantz. He took my hand.

  ‘I think about it a lot, and I regret it even more.’

  ‘Come on, there’s no need. You’re having a baby. Jennifer is lovely.’

  ‘I’m happy Coco, really. But a part of me thinks, what if? What if we were still together?’

  ‘Do you think we’d be happy?’ I asked.

  ‘I probably would be… Do you hate me Coco?’

  ‘No. I don’t.’

  ‘I still hate myself.’

  ‘Well you shouldn’t. It’s been and gone, and done and dusted. And it’s resulted in two new babies. Who knows what they’ll go on to do in life? My baby might find a cure for some disease. Your baby could finally end poverty!’

  ‘So you’re saying that because I shagged Snow White, I could actually contribute towards the end of world hunger?’

  ‘No. It’s what I was forced to do afterwards that made the difference… I had to move on.’

  Daniel nodded sagely. ‘Cokes, can we be friends?’ he asked.

  ‘We are.’

  ‘No properly. Proper friends. I’m truly sorry I hurt you. I was the fool who spent twenty years with you and didn’t realise what a good thing I was on to… Friends?’

  ‘Yes, friends,’ I said reaching out and holding his hand, and I meant it. We were both smiling when Rosencrantz came back with Jennifer.

  ‘Did Daniel tell you his news?’ said Jennifer.

  ‘There’s more news?’

  ‘He’s just got funding to write and workshop a new opera.’

  ‘Well it was Jennifer’s pal who knew someone at Opera North,’ said Daniel sheepishly.

  ‘But it was your demo which got you the job. I made him a demo on my computer,’ said Jennifer.

  ‘I think we’ve got loads to toast,’ said Rosencrantz. ‘To the babies and the opera.’

  We all clinked our glasses. They stayed for a couple of hours, and then went off for supper in town. An incredible feeling of calm washed over me. For the first time in years I felt at peace with what had happened with Daniel and me. I hoped he could finally get his life on track and be happy.

  Monday 23rd July

  I had a nightmare-free night and woke up so excited about everything – the future, moving house, meeting my new son. Then Daniel phoned and the world turned upside down.

  ‘Coco,’ he said through tears. ‘Coco, Mum’s dead.’

  I had just settled down with a book in the garden.

  ‘What?’ I said.

  ‘Mum, she went shopping this morning, I don’t know what for. Something at the pound shop in Catford I think… She was crossing the road and a car hit her. She’s dead Coco.’ He began sobbing uncontrollably.

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Course I’m bloody sure. I’m at Lewisham Hospital. I’ve just had to identify her body. Oh God Coco, it was terrible. They hit her so hard… Can you come? Or can Rosencrantz?’

  ‘We’ll both come,’ I said. ‘Just sit tight, we’ll be there as soon as we can.’

  I came off the phone and told Rosencrantz. We just couldn’t believe it. He pulled us together and we left the house ten minutes later. It took an hour to drive over to Lewisham.

  I kept thinking how I’d wanted Ethel to see my baby, and come to the farm.

  Daniel was sitting in the hospital waiting area. He had in his lap a huge clear plastic bag with Ethel’s pale shiny handbag, her gold necklace and her teeth. Rosencrantz took the bag from Daniel and turned it over in his hand.

  ‘The car didn’t stop. Hit and run,’ said Daniel tonelessly. ‘They’ve got the bastards on CCTV though.’

  None of us knew what to say. We went to the cafeteria and sat with plastic cups of disgusting tea. We were silent for a long time.

  ‘I didn’t get to tell her Jennifer was pregnant,’ said Daniel. ‘She’ll never know.’

  Rosencrantz put his arm round his dad.

  ‘What happens now?’ I said.

  ‘There’s going to be an inquest, they have to keep her body… I don’t know when there can be a funeral. Which will be complicated.’

  ‘Let’s not think about that now,’ I said. ‘Where’s Jennifer?’

  ‘She’s at Abbey Road, playing for a film score.’

  ‘When will she be finished?’

  ‘Later this afternoon.’

  ‘Do you want us to drive you home?’ I asked. He nodded.

  We all got back in the car and Rosencrantz drove us across London. It was hot and busy and I desperately wanted the car journey to be over. Finally we reached Baker Street.

  ‘I’ll get out by Regent’s Park love,’ I said. ‘I need to be at home, because of… well.’

  ‘Yes Cokes. Look after that baby,’ said Daniel. He gave me a long hug, and I told him to call me any time. Rosencrantz said he would be back soon and set off with his Dad for Hampstead. I watched them drive away, and slowly shuffled off towards home. I was exhausted by the time I got to the entrance of Regent’s Park, so I sat down on a bench.

  I thought about everything that had to be done when someone died. We’d have to phone Meryl and Tony, I’d have to tell Adam. Ethel’s things would have to be collected. And a yawning hole had opened up in my life.

  Rocco came running up to see me when I got home. I closed the front door and leant down to cuddle his soft fur.

  ‘’Ere ’ow long ’ave you ’ad my bloody salad spinner?’ said a voice. I looked up. Ethel was standing in the hallway holding out a faded red plastic salad spinner.

  ‘Ethel?’ I said collapsing back against the front door.

  ‘Oh gawd, there’s no need to be a drama queen. Just say you nicked it, iss fine.’

  I stared at her open mouthed.

  ‘What? Okay, this is the last key,’ she said walking up to the hall table and slapping it down. ‘But for once I’ve got me reasons. You’re about to move ’ouse and who knows what you’ve got that belongs to me…’

  I started to cry.

  ‘Oh blimey. Coco love, I know it’s yer ’ormones but I ’aven’t got time for tears… I tell you I’ve ’ad a gut full. That bloody Kim Jong Lill went on a kleptomaniac spree this morning. Went off with me ’andbag, me purse and a load of me clothes. I tell you, if I see her she’s dead…’

  Ethel could see my tears weren’t stopping.

  ‘Oh Ethel you’re alive!’ I cried and threw my arms round her neck hugging her tight.

  ‘Course I’m alive… but I ain’t no lezzer!’ she said pushing me away. I recounted everything that had happened, Daniel identifying her body in the morgue. She stared at me open mouthed.

  ‘Well thas’ charming! ’e can’t tell ’is own mother from a thief lying on the slab…’

  ‘What? He’s devastated Ethel.’

  ‘Not devastated enough to recognise ’is own mother! ’E thought I was bloody Kim Jong Lill? Forty-five years I’ve been ’is Mother, and ’e mistakes me for a thieving fuckin’ Chinese woman!’

  I was still shaking from the shock, when water came gushing out from between my legs. I lifted my skirt and was speechless.

  ‘Well I’m a dead China woman, and yer waters ’ave just broken!’ said Ethel.

  ‘No no no no no,’ I’m not ready!’ I cried.

  ‘Thas’ a bit late love. You should ’ave said that to Adam nine months ago!’

  ‘No! Everything is still here, there’s no bathroom in the farmhouse!’

  ‘Iss okay love,’ she said realising what was happening. ‘’Ave yer contraptions started?’

  ‘Yes. Shit, I just felt one! It’s like Take a Break.’

  Ethe
l, being a huge Take a Break fan, and never missing an issue, knew exactly what was going on.

  ‘Oh Lord. Right where’s yer bag?’

  ‘It’s there by the door.’

  Ethel picked up my overnight bag.

  ‘You be a good boy Rocco, we’ll be back soon,’ she said patting him on the head. She helped me outside. I leaned on the wall as she locked the door.

  ‘I’m going to go an’ find a taxi,’ she said, and moved off quickly to the end of the road. I had to bend over the wall to steady myself. A few minutes later she came back.

  ‘None of ’em want to take a pregnant woman!’ shouted Ethel, as a taxi drove away with its light still on.

  ‘You didn’t have to tell them I’m pregnant!’ I shouted.

  ‘Iss bloody obvious yer pregnant!’ she said pointing at my bump and wet skirt. ‘An even if they don’t twig, what do I tell ’em? You’re a fat woman ’oose pissed ’erself?’

  A brown Volvo pulled up by the kerb in front of the house. Mr and Mrs Cohen got out.

  ‘’Ere, Mister Conan, ooooo!’ shouted Ethel. She ran to the Cohens’ car and leant in the window. ‘Coco’s waters ave broken. We need a lift to the hospital!’

  The Cohens had just returned from yet another a trip to France and their Volvo was full of wine and cassoulet.

  ‘Is it urgent?’ asked Mrs Cohen peering out at me.

  ‘Course it’s bloody urgent, she’s ’avin contraptions!’ said Ethel. Before they could say anything else Ethel opened the back door and helped me in.

  It was an awkward journey to the hospital. Any time spent around the Cohens is awkward, but this was more so because I was leaking where my waters had broken. Ethel surreptitiously found a Carrefour carrier bag, and pushed it under me.

  As we zoomed down Portland Street, I phoned Adam, Rosencrantz, Marika, and Chris but no one answered. I left panting messages that I had gone into labour.