Taming the Beast

‘Sar, what I asked before, about still being able to see you…’

  ‘Nothing in the world could stop me seeing my Jamie-boy,’ she said, but her body had tensed beneath him, and her tone was all wrong. It was that mock-cheerfulness again.

  ‘So nothing will change?’

  Silence. Sad eyed, stiff-armed silence.

  ‘Sar?’

  ‘No, things will change. What’s the point otherwise?’

  Jamie felt himself shrinking out of her. He tried to press back in but it was too late. He would never again be inside Sarah Clark’s body. He realised it didn’t matter all that much, not compared to the prospect of never seeing her at all. He would gladly give up sex forever if it meant he could talk to her at least every second day.

  ‘So no more of this stuff?’

  ‘No more of this stuff.’ Sarah tickled his back. ‘One of the few things about my life I’ll miss.’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘It’s true. In fact, all of the things I’ll miss are all of the things I do with you.’ Her eyes widened, moistened, blinked. ‘Do you have any idea how important you are to me? When I think about not having you, I can hardly breathe. You look at me with that hangdog face, all rejected and sorry for yourself, and I don’t think you understand that giving you up is the hardest, worst, most painful thing I’ve ever had to do and am ever likely to do.’

  Jamie climbed off her, pushing away the warmth of her flattery and processing the cold message beneath. Giving you up Not having you All the things I’ll miss…

  ‘I’m never going to see you again, am I?’ he said, picking up his clothing, putting his physical self back together.

  ‘Never say never,’ Sarah said, and laughed horribly.

  ‘This was a goodbye fuck?’

  ‘I thought you knew that.’

  Jamie forced himself to look at her. She was still naked, sprawled out shamelessly. She was lighting a cigarette, as she always did. As he would never see her do again.

  ‘I thought it was a goodbye to fucking fuck. I didn’t know it was a goodbye everything, have a nice life fuck. I had no idea you were that insane. I had no idea you were going to give up ten years of friendship over a crazy old man who belts the crap out of you.’

  She flinched, then shook her head as if to clear it away. ‘We’ll see each other, Jamie. It’ll just be less often. It’ll be twice as sweet for being twice as rare.’

  He thought for a minute that he would scream. He turned away and reached for his shoes, glad for the concentration required to untangle the hastily untied laces. ‘Okay, Sarah. Just write down the phone number and address and I’ll call you in a couple of days. Maybe me and Shell can come over for dinner once you’ve settled in.’

  ‘Jamie, I don’t think–’

  ‘Yeah, I don’t think Shelley would want to hang out with a middle aged teacher either. I’ll just come around and we’ll have a drink or something.’

  Sarah touched his shoulder but he kept his eyes on his feet. ‘I think it’s better if I call you. I don’t think Daniel will–’

  ‘Yeah, alright, cool. You’ll call me whenever.’ His shoes were on. He had no more reasons to be sitting here. ‘I’ll catch you later then. Thanks for the root.’ He stood up.

  ‘Jamie!’ Sarah jumped in front of him, naked and wild-eyed. ‘How can you be so calm?’

  ‘I don’t know. How can you be so cruel?’

  Sarah reached for him but he stepped out of her way. If she touched him, he would shatter.

  ‘I can’t let you leave like this.’

  ‘Why not? It’s not forever is it? I mean, we’ll see each other all the time. You’re going to call me.’ Jamie started walking. Step after step after step.

  ‘Yes, yes, I am, Jamie. You know I love you, right? You know I’m going to call you as soon as I can?’ Her voice already sounded far away. She was already a memory. Less than that, she was a memory of a dream he had once. A nice dream, while it lasted.

  10

  Sarah showered with the water as hot as she could stand it. Her hangover was worse than it had been this morning, the places Daniel had hit and kicked her were beginning to throb, and on top of all that, she could not stop shaking. The hot water was supposed to calm her, but it just made her sicker and shakier. She got out of the shower, threw up nothing, splashed her face with cold water and got dressed.

  She was drinking coffee and trembling, trying to get it together enough to start packing, when Mike returned. ‘Bloody hell, I’ve missed you,’ he said, putting his arms around her. ‘What’s wrong, babe? You cold or something?’

  Sarah ducked out of his embrace. ‘I’m fine. I don’t have much time though, so –’

  ‘I see.’ Mike sat down on the sofa so he was looking up at her. ‘What’s going on?’

  ‘With what?’

  ‘With us.’

  ‘Oh, well, nothing. We used to fuck and now we don’t.’

  His face crumpled up for a second, then quickly smoothed out. ‘Jamie said you’ve hooked up with someone.’

  She sighed and sat down beside him. ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Is it true he’s your old teacher?’

  She nodded and Mike clicked his tongue. A habit that made Sarah want to cut it off. Mike lit a smoke and offered it to Sarah; she waved it away and got one for herself.

  ‘Jamie said he slaps you around.’

  ‘J–’ Sarah’s throat closed over. She cleared it with a painful cough and tried again. ‘He finds it hard to be objective. He takes everything the wrong way.’

  ‘Who does? Jamie?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  Mike squinted at her through the smoke. ‘You’re being evasive, Sarah. Does this bloke belt you up, or what?’

  ‘No.’

  Mike’s eyes screwed up so tightly that they almost disappeared and his bottom lip trembled like a naughty child. ‘I suppose you got that bruise on your forehead from walking into a door?’

  Sarah resisted the urge to cover the bruise with her hand. ‘I have no idea how I got it. I’ve had a hell of a week.’

  ‘Yeah, sure, whatever.’ Mike leant across her to stub his cigarette out in the overflowing ashtray. ‘So you’re full on with this fella and that means we’re done?’

  ‘Yes.’

  Mike scratched his neck hard enough for pink streaks to appear. ‘You suddenly believe in monogamy?’

  ‘Not at all. I’ll continue to fuck whomever I like, whenever I like. It’s just that my first choice for who has always been him, and once I’m living with him the when will be all the bloody time, and therefore, I don’t see where I’d find the time, or have the need, to fuck you or anyone else.’

  ‘You’ve gone mental.’

  ‘Call it that if you want. I love him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted.’

  ‘Great, I’m really fucking happy for you.’

  Sarah reached for his hand, pulling it away from his throat. She was afraid he’d gouge a hole otherwise. His hand was hot and sticky, his face mottled red and white. Sarah was aware for the first time that the man sitting across from her had feelings.

  ‘I’m sorry, Mike, but I really have a lot to do. I have to pack and call the real estate and–’

  To Sarah’s astonishment, Mike’s eyes filled with tears. He squeezed his eyes shut, but the tears trickled out from under his lids, some getting caught on his lashes before breaking free again and soaking into the stubble on his jaw. Sarah was sure that if she saw one more man crying today she would murder him.

  ‘Mike…’ She had no words to comfort him with. She didn’t even like him. The only thing they’d ever had in common was a penchant for rough sex. Fully clothed, vulnerable, weeping, Sarah just wanted him gone.

  ‘What if I left Jess?’ he said, pressing his eyes with the backs of his hands.

  ‘That’s a ridiculous thing to say. Pull yourself together.’

  He looked at her in a way that made her skin crawl. ‘I think I love you, Sarah. I didn’t mean to, but I do. I can’t be
lieve you’re going to–’

  Suffocated by his need, Sarah did the only thing she could think of to ease the unbearable intensity. She climbed onto his lap and kissed him. Kissed him as though they were long lost lovers meeting in the middle of a war zone, as though she didn’t love Daniel, as though she wasn’t aching for Jamie, as though her body and soul weren’t worn ragged from a week filled with dodgy sex and nail-biting longing. She kissed him until his emotions subsided and his dick was running the show again.

  Mike insisted on a final fuck, and Sarah decided it could only make her feel better. Having Mike slam into her while he shouted obscenities was soothing after the trauma of Jamie’s brown eyes asking something of her that she couldn’t give.

  Sarah had always known instinctively that sex with someone you love is infinitely more painful than even the most physically testing sex with a man you couldn’t care less about. But she was suddenly seeing a new and terrifying implication to this rather pedestrian observation. If sex with someone she loved made her feel injured and afraid, and sex with someone dominant and perverse caused her to lose all control of her body, then what the hell was going to happen when Daniel Carr finally fucked her?

  It would be like it was back at school, except more so, because this time there would be no legal or moral or social barriers holding them back. There would be no reason to stop. She remembered again the day in the hotel room, how she thought she was going to die in there and didn’t care at all so long as he kept doing things to her. That had been eight hours. She tried to imagine what she would be like after two days alone in a room with Daniel. After a week with him she would surely be nothing but a pile of sticky dust. Maybe that was what Jamie sensed. Maybe that was why he’d looked at her like she was already dead.

  There was a heavy drumming on the door.

  Mike opened his eyes but kept thrusting. Sarah held her breath. The bashing at the door continued. He stopped moving. ‘That your door?’

  ‘Sssh.’ Sarah said, pressing her hands into Mike’s arse to keep him still.

  ‘Sarah!’ Daniel’s voice called out. ‘Open the door.’

  Sarah’s arms fell to her sides. ‘Oh, God. It’s him. Mike it’s–’

  ‘He can bloody well wait.’ Mike started thrusting again.

  ‘You do realise,’ Daniel yelled, ‘that a person standing on the nature strip can see directly into your living room window?’

  ‘Oh, God,’ Sarah said.

  ‘Fuck!’ Mike got off her. ‘Fucking hell. This is fucking unreal. Unbelievable, just fucking unbelievable. What kind of sick bastard spies on two people fucking? Fucking creep.’ Mike pulled on his shorts, yelling abuse in the direction of the door.

  Sarah’s insides turned to liquid. She was unable to move to stop Mike from walking away and opening the door. It was so bad, so bad and she could not move or speak, only wrap her naked arms around her naked body and wait for him to come and do what he would.

  Daniel entered the room. His face was blank. Hovering behind him, Mike was scarlet. ‘You can’t just walk in and–’

  ‘Get dressed.’ Daniel’s voice was so calm and quiet that Sarah wondered if she would survive the night. She got up and began to pull on her underwear.

  ‘Who the fuck do you think you are?’ Mike said.

  ‘You better go, Mike. I’m sorry.’

  ‘I’m not leaving you alone with this prick.’

  Daniel glanced at Mike for half a second before his gaze returned to Sarah. ‘He wants to protect you from me. How cute.’

  ‘You’re an arsehole, mate.’ Mike sat down on the sofa and crossed his arms across his chest. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’

  Daniel shrugged and turned back to Sarah. ‘Let’s hurry up and pack your things so we can go.’

  ‘Daniel, I–’

  He silenced her with a look, the way teachers are trained to do, grabbed her arm and nodded down the hallway. ‘Let’s go.’

  ‘Stop telling her what to do!’ Mike stood up. ‘She’s not a fucking child. Sarah? You gonna listen to him?’

  Daniel rolled his eyes at Sarah. ‘I understand about Jamie, he’s been a good friend to you. But this–’ he gestured to Mike. ‘Why would you let this pretty boy have a poke at you?’

  ‘Yeah, well, he’s a friend too, okay? I wanted to say goodbye.’

  Daniel looked over at Mike and snorted. ‘I hope you don’t have too many more friends to farewell. You’ll be exhausted before I even get you home.’

  ‘Hey!’ Mike was scratching his arms like a junkie. ‘Sarah? What’s he talking about?’

  ‘Oh.’ Daniel smiled, ruffling Sarah’s already ruffled hair. ‘I assumed he knew about Jamie. I saw them arrive together and thought they were taking it in turns. I thought they must’ve had an agreement.’

  Sarah pulled a face at Daniel, to show him that she did not appreciate his behaviour. He smiled, adorably. Sarah went all mushy and leant up to kiss him. She had missed him in the hours since he’d been gone. That is, the hours he had not been gone at all but had been lurking around the building spying on her. She missed him and loved him and was happy he was claiming her at last. She kissed him, tangling her fingers through his hair.

  ‘Sarah!’ Mike stamped his foot. ‘Are you screwing Jamie? Is that what this fucker is saying? Is it? Are you?’

  ‘Yeah. I mean, I was,’ Sarah said into Daniel’s eyes. She was going home with him. She was finally, finally going to have him. Why was she still standing here when she could be in his bed? Their bed.

  ‘You rotten little slut. You’re just completely fucking heartless.’

  Daniel laughed, brushing her hair off her forehead. Then he was kissing her hard on the lips and in the background Mike was yelling. The kiss went on and on until she couldn’t breathe anymore. Just when she was certain she was going to faint, Daniel released her. Mike was gone.

  Part Four

  1

  Daniel didn’t talk in the car. Sarah didn’t talk either. She was wondering what he would do to her when they got home. Home. Daniel’s home. The home of Daniel and Sarah, not Daniel and Lisa, or Daniel and his family. They were on their way to his home, and he was going to let Sarah stay there, and no one would ever take him away. He was angry with her, but he still wanted her to live in his home, and for that Sarah would happily withstand anything.

  He told her to shower and watched to make sure she scrubbed every inch of herself. He did not touch her at all, except to guide her from the shower to the bed and then to fasten her ankles and wrists to the bedposts with red satin ribbons. He left her hair out, dripping wet across the pillow. When he was finished, he stood back and nodded in satisfaction.

  ‘You are so beautiful, my Sarah.’ He undressed, not taking his eyes off her.

  ‘You don’t have to do this. I want to be here. I’m ready to be here. You don’t have to tie me up.’

  ‘Just for a little while, darling.’

  ‘Is this a punishment? For Mike?’ Sarah was emboldened by her immobility. It was exciting to be restrained, unable to do what she should, which was fight or run. It was liberating to be excused from action and responsibility and decision.

  ‘I would have thought that being desperate enough to open your legs for a skinny kid like him would have been punishment enough.’ Naked, Daniel knelt beside her so that his erection was poking her ear. ‘I could see him doing it to you, Sarah. I could see his scrawny back rising and falling in the window and I could see your ankles kicking around. I stood right outside and watched, and I felt sad that you had sunk so low.’

  Sarah turned her head to catch him between her lips but he put his hand on her forehead and forced her to lie straight, staring at the ceiling. He straddled her chest, and holding her head in place with his left hand, he worked his right hand up and down his shaft. She struggled against her restraints, and they cut into her flesh; if he noticed he did not react.

  ‘What amazed me was not that you did it, but that you did it so rapidly. It was mere ho
urs since I’d seen you, and only half an hour since poor little Jamie had done his best. You just got straight into it, and I admit that turns me on.’ He leant against her forehead harder as his strokes became faster, his knees dug into her ribs. ‘I stood outside and watched those kids pounding away and I thought about how silly it was that I’ve been paying for sex and you’ve been juggling multiple lovers.’ His voice was growing shaky, his breathing irregular. ‘We can only satisfy each other can’t we, darling? Oh Christ. We have only ever been satisfied with each other and – ah– we can both whittle our genitals away to nothing by fucking everything that moves, and – oh oh oh God– it will never be enough if we’re not together. Oh, dear God!’

  He seemed to be bracing his entire body weight against her forehead, and Sarah was afraid that he might lose control and crush her skull. She told him this, and he did lose control, pressing her head deep into the mattress, calling out to God again and spilling over her face.

  Time passed. He cleaned her up and fed her some scotch, but would not let her have any water. He sat on her chest and smoked a cigarette. When she asked for a drag he told her that she could have one when they were done. He did not say when that would be. When she complained of a headache he gave her two small white capsules, washed down with scotch straight from the bottle, and when she said her leg was cramping he massaged it. He talked about his wife and his daughters and his hookers. He did not want Sarah to talk and she did not mind. He masturbated continuously, stopping only to drink or smoke or feed Sarah tablets and alcohol. Each time he came on her, never in her, and was careful to clean up afterwards. Then he would lie beside her and sleep for a while, his arm covering her chest and his legs bent up and over hers. Sarah slept a bit, but never well. She kept being woken by the sound of his voice or the vibrations of the bed as he crouched over her and tortured her with his ever-renewable, untouchable passion.

  As time went on she begged him to enter her, to kiss her or let her kiss him. She couldn’t bear the closeness without the closure. Blood dribbled down her inner arms from her efforts to free herself. He licked the blood off, and wiped away her tears, and fed her scotch, but he wouldn’t let her touch him, and he wouldn’t let her go.