As Tears Go By

  Braydon emerged in a puff of steam with nothing but a towel around his waist. Swallowing tightly, she said, “I ordered food. They’re going to leave it outside the door.”

  He didn’t make eye contact with her, which was probably for the best. Whatever her friends thought would happen here, they were wrong.

  It was torture, seeing his beautiful body exposed and knowing he was angry with her and all of that which she desired was off limits. He might have been irritated with her, but nothing could come close to how furious she was with herself. It was clear he resented being trapped in her presence.

  As she covertly watched him wander around the room, her body coiled and reacted to the enforced nearness until she couldn’t take another minute of the deafening silence.

  Springing off the bed, she announced she was going to take a shower. After ten long minutes under the cold spray her body started to calm. Her headache was subsiding and she’d feel better after getting some food in her belly.

  Slipping back into Braydon’s T-shirt—and taking a long breath of his nostalgic scent—she roughly combed her fingers through her hair. Great. He looked like a Roman sculpture and she looked like a wet rat. No makeup. No comb. No razor. Wonderful.

  The food had arrived and Braydon appeared to have already eaten. Wandering to the small table in the corner, she picked at a dry pancake. For as starved as she was minutes ago, her appetite now vanished.

  Out of the corner of her eye, she studied him. He scowled out the window as she considered their time apart. Did he miss her as much as she’d missed him? Had he been with other women? She desperately wanted to know exactly how he interpreted their break.

  She cleared her throat. “There are probably robes in the closet.”

  He mutely glanced down at his exposed abdomen. The towel around his hips gaped between his knees, but he remained concealed. “I’m fine.”

  She sighed. “Braydon, I think we’re here to talk.”

  “Do you have something new to say?” His tone was snide, something she wasn’t used to from him. It smothered her courage and stifled all other comments.

  Wandering to the window, she found herself blinking back tears. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She should have never let Kevin mess with her head. He had the ability to manipulate her more than any other person on this earth, because he had no shame in using their son as leverage. In that moment she wanted to strangle him, because the sad truth was, he never hesitated to take advantage of her forgiving nature, if it meant bettering his own situation.

  It was her fault too, of course. She should have more of a backbone with him by this point. She was simply worn out from arguing. Their relationship had become a battleground years ago and any interaction with him left her in knots. Sometimes bending was easier than standing her ground.

  She’d only wanted what was best for her son, but somehow, after so many years of putting everyone else’s needs before hers, she’d forgotten the best thing for Hunter was having a balanced mother. While Braydon introduced an additional layer of spontaneity to her life, knocking her off kilter sometimes, he also brought her balance. He was the up to her down, the smile to her frown, and the endless reserve of confidence when hers was shaken.

  “Are you crying?”

  She flinched as Braydon’s voice cut through the earsplitting silence. Wiping her nose, she lied, “No.”

  He let out a frustrated breath. “Women always cry while men have to hold it all in and deal with life.”

  He had so much resentment, and rightly so. Though his eyes remained dry and his emotions carefully concealed, she knew his pain was as real as hers—or she at least assumed. But she was sick and tired of everyone dumping all the blame on her shoulders. “Maybe women cry because men are jerks and they make us cry.”

  “Are you saying I’m a jerk?”

  Her gaze remained fastened on the glass as the view blurred. “No. I guess that’s why I’m crying.” Wiping her eyes she whispered, “No one’s ever been nicer to me than you have. If there’s a jerk here, it’s me.”

  “And where does nice get me, Becca?”

  Her shoulders drooped as she slowly shook her head. “I never meant to hurt you.”

  “You failed.”

  Not the first time. His words sliced through her, cutting right to her heart. “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, well, that doesn’t fix things.”

  But it was all she had. He clearly didn’t want her anymore.

  “Here.” A box of tissues, so impersonal and cold, shoved into her view. She plucked two from the container and mumbled a thank you.

  He noiselessly moved around the room, his steps agitated. The large hotel room seemed to shrink into a suffocating cage. Every emotion bled from his pores and ricocheted around the space until it crashed into her.

  “I’m angry,” he suddenly announced.

  “I know,” she quietly acknowledged.

  “I think of you with him and I want to break something.”

  “It isn’t like that.”

  He made a growl of frustration. “You don’t belong to him.”

  A nervous laugh slipped past her lips. She didn’t belong to anyone, but Hunter belonged to her and though her intentions were misguided, they were never anything but well intended, in hopes that she was doing right by her son.

  “The thought of him touching you makes me sick,” he went on, pacing. “He had nearly a decade to do right by you and fucked that up. Why does someone like that deserve more chances?”

  He was right. Everything he said was true.

  “How could you pick him over me? I never did anything but love and respect you. And you picked him.”

  “I didn’t pick him. I just needed time to sort out my life.”

  “I don’t want another woman in my life who can’t appreciate that I value her. Christ, I never valued anyone the way I valued you. You should know how I feel by now. Damn it, you should know how you feel.”

  “I do,” she cried. “Braydon, I’m deciding—not just for myself—but for two people. It should take twice as long to make such a monumental decision. I love you, but everything was moving so fast. We went from a one-night stand with no strings attached to an intense relationship. It kills me that you’re moving away and I don’t want to see you go! You’ve been planning to return home since you left the nest. The question of Hunter and I moving has only been on my radar for a minute in comparison to the time you’ve had to decide.”

  His expression sobered, a touch of vulnerability showing in his eyes. “You don’t want to see me go?”

  “That’s why I’ve been trying to call you, but you won’t speak to me and now you’re so angry I don’t know what to say.”

  He stilled. “I’m afraid to ask. If you say the wrong thing I may snap. I’m holding on by a thread here, as it is. Did you change your mind? I thought…” His words tapered off as his gaze lowered.

  She’d never witnessed him so high strung, nor was she used to seeing such an optimistic man appear so downtrodden. Her pulse pounded steadily, the thrumming shaking her to the tips of her fingers.

  Drawing in a deep breath, she confessed, “I never made up my mind. That’s why I needed time—to decide.” She swallowed. “I threw Kevin out two days ago. I, in no uncertain terms, told him our personal relationship was never going to reestablish itself and that I was in love with you. He was getting a little too comfortable in my home. The holidays were one thing, but it was never my intension to welcome him back. I only wanted him to be more present in his son’s life. I also told him if he didn’t get the remainder of his crap out of my house I was putting it on the curb.”

  When he wouldn’t look at her, she turned away, her chest constricting with pain. Maybe it was too late.

  Her back heated, drawing her shoulders up as he stepped close. His ragged breathing sent shivers up her spine. In a low growl, he asked, “Was he sleeping there?”

  Slowly, she pivoted. “No, but he seemed to think yo
ur absence was an open invitation for him to barge in whenever he pleased. I never accepted his proposal. I only wanted time to consider the situation.”

  His blue eyes locked with hers as his chest lifted, his breathing labored. “Did he touch you? Kiss you?”

  Her head slowly shook. “I’d never allow that, not when I feel so strongly for you.”

  “He’s gone? You made it clear that your personal relationship is over?”

  Slowly, she nodded.

  A territorial growl ripped from his throat, as his mouth crashed down on hers, his tongue piercing between her lips. Strong hands gripped her behind, lifting her feet from the ground. The world spun as her back landed on the breakfast table, his arm sweeping out at the last second to clear the surface.

  Platters crashed to the ground as his towel fell away. Hitching her thighs apart, the heat of his cock pressed at her wet sex. There was no foreplay, no softness. He sank into her to the hilt and gave a punishing thrust as he kissed her passionately.

  “You belong with me, Becca. No one else. The thought of someone else kissing these lips, touching your body, I can’t take it.” He thrust hard again. “This is ours. Every touch your skin craves, I’ll satisfy it. Every caress, my hand will provide. Every ache, every need, I’ll be the one to take care of you. You ever question that again I’ll seriously lose my mind.”

  “I’m not leaving,” she gasped as he pounded into her. “This is where I want to be, with you. Only you, Braydon.”

  Shoving her shirt away, his hands cupped her breast, plucked and pinched at her nipples, then glided up her arms until her hands were pinned above her head. Staring down at her, his blue-eyed gaze devoured her features. He took her like his life depended on this connection they shared. She’d never felt so owned, so wanted. It was the most potent sexual experience of her life.

  His fingers caressed down her sides until they closed around her ankles, spreading her legs wide. His attention pulled to the point their bodies connected. “Look at that, me inside of you. We’re a perfect fit. Perfect together, but broken when we’re apart.”

  Bracing her weight, her back bowed and saw what he was referring to. His cock slid slowly in and out of her sex, glistening with her arousal. It was erotic and intimate as hell and her body flooded with doubled need. As she studied him, his attention so drawn to their intimate connection, carnal desire took over. She became a woman untethered by fear and doubt, her desire wild and uncontainable.

  Meeting his thrusts, she arched, her back off the table and took him deep. He released her ankles and the soles of her feet pressed into the surface of the table.

  “I need to taste you.” He abruptly withdrew, leaving her bereft for only a split second before his mouth closed over her clit and his fingers filled her, stabbing deeply into her sex.

  She cried out as he relentlessly brought her to climax, stealing her breath as she shouted out words of love and passion. Her climax came, not from her body, but from her soul.

  Wrung out, her muscles unlocked and she collapsed to the table, but he wasn’t finished. Strong arms scooped her up and the room twirled as she was carried to the bed. He placed her on her tummy, parted her thighs and filled her once more.

  His cock drove into her as his body covered her like a hot blanket. His arms stretched over hers, extending them far above her head. Flesh to flesh, they rocked into the bedding as his cock pulsed and heat flooded her folds. He held her so tight, her entire being pinned to this earth by his touch, and her body rejoiced.

  There was no escaping and no desire to. He covered her so completely it was as though he were imprinting his soul onto hers.

  “I love you, Becca.” His lips pressed into her shoulder as her heart thundered within her chest.

  “I love you more,” she rasped, her voice raw from spent passion. “I can’t live without you. When you’re not a part of my day to day life I’m dead inside.”

  They stayed there for a long time and never once did she mind his weight. He wasn’t crushing her, merely holding her, the way only he could. The pressure of his body over hers was the greatest comfort in the world. And then she started to cry.

  At the first sniffle, he withdrew and rolled to his side, pulling her face to his. “Why are you crying, angel?”

  “I hurt you. I’m so sorry, Braydon. I never meant to. I only wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing. I worry so much about messing things up for Hunter. I didn’t want to be selfish, parts of me thought I was being selfless—letting you go. I’d gambled my future once before and lost. You own so much more of me than he ever did. If I lost you…it would break me in ways I’m not sure I could mend. But I was losing you anyway by trying to play it safe. I guess you’ve always had me. The moment I fell for you my heart was decided, but my mind still had fears to overcome. I’m yours, Braydon. I’m gambling on us with everything I’ve got, because without you I feel like I’m not really living. You bring me to life.”

  He pulled her close, hugging her tightly and sighed. “It’s okay to be selfish every once in a while, Becca. You make me feel alive too. Without you, I have nothing.”

  “I just wanted to do right by my son without hurting anyone in the process. It took me a while to realize I’m a better parent when I’m happy. You make me happy.”

  “No one’s getting hurt. Stop worrying and trust your gut, angel. I’m a safe bet, because I’ve never wanted anything more than to give us the life I know we deserve, the three of us, together. Let me take care of you. I think I’m good at it.”

  “I think you are too. No one’s ever taken care of me the way you do. I’m speaking of an emotional level, Braydon. You see my inner self more than anyone else ever has.”

  He smiled. “You take care of me too. You fill something inside of me that’s empty and hurts when you’re gone. It’s like you’re the missing piece to my puzzle. I’ll never take advantage of your kind nature or Hunter’s. I swear. I know I’m not his birth father, but I think I’d make a pretty good stepdad someday.”

  Her heart swelled with such intense emotion she began to cry again. “He said your name.”

  He stilled, his lips parting in awe. “When?”

  “The other night. I was crying and he said your name as though he knew the mere mention of you would make me happy.” A tight smile pressed her lips. “He was right. No one makes me happier than you.”

  “Wow.” He shook his head, clearly understanding the magnitude of such an occurrence. “I finally understand what you meant when you described his victories as yours. My man…I want to hug him right now.” He shook his head again and quietly admitted, “I didn’t expect that, but to know that he knows who I am and feels something so positive when he thinks of me…it’s incredible, Becca. I don’t have anything to compare a gift like that to.”

  “I know.” She did know. “Braydon?”

  “Yeah.” He was still reeling.

  “I’ve been thinking about family a lot lately.”

  His gaze drifted to hers. “Me too.”

  This was going to be difficult. For so many years she’d submerged herself in other things to hide the pain of being denied more children. Somewhere along the line, fear had crowded her dreams, smothered her hope with doubt. The initial concerns coming more from Kevin than her, but he’d slowly convinced her she was not meant to have more children. Resurrecting that dream was frightening for a multitude of reasons, but it was a good frightening.

  “When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of having a big family. I hated being an only child, and I never wanted my children to suffer the loneliness I did.”

  “But something changed your mind.”

  “Not something. A lot of things.” She swallowed. “I had concerns after Hunter was born, but not enough to change my hopes of eventually giving him brothers and sisters, siblings that would love him as unconditionally as I do. Kevin felt differently. In his eyes, we’d failed. He believed it was selfish to overburden ourselves when Hunter’s needs alread
y overshadowed so much of our marriage. The meetings, the doctor appointments, the ongoing research, none of that ever bothered me, because it was all part of being a parent. The day Hunter was diagnosed Kevin decided we shouldn’t have any more children. I was crushed.”

  “I think having Hunter has proven how suited you are for parenting, Becca. And his diagnosis doesn’t define him. The issue isn’t Hunter’s inability to be the child Kevin expected. It’s Kevin’s inability to be the parent Hunter needed. No child’s easy one hundred percent of the time. Any good parent realizes that.”

  Grinning at his comprehension, she considered what an incredible listener Braydon was. He had an immense capacity for empathy. That was probably one of his most attractive traits.

  “As Hunter got older, my job as a mother became more challenging. It was extremely difficult not comparing my son to other kids his age. The year he learned to walk I was so happy, but at the same time so worried about how exhausted I had become. I was so rundown and Kevin started pulling away more and more. It occurred to me that maybe I didn’t have the strength for more children, no matter how much I wanted them. Eventually, I stopped hoping for more babies and feared accidentally getting pregnant. I don’t think my mind changed because of Hunter, but because my partner had somehow vanished. It’s a process trusting in others when those you depended on most let you down.”

  “Are you still afraid?”

  “Yes. There are always fears when it comes to parenthood. But I’m starting to realize a lot of my fear stemmed from Kevin’s views and behaviors, not mine. I don’t want fear to be the deciding factor in my life. I want the courage to hope and dream, because without hope there really isn’t any point to living.”

  He smiled. “You want more?”

  Pressing her lips tight, she gave a small nod. “You make me hopeful, Braydon. I know I freaked out when we forgot protection that time, but we were still in the beginning stages of our relationship. I had uncertainties to work through. I know now you’re the person I’m meant to be with in this life and with you… Well, I think it would be lovely to have a family with you.”