Always Forever

  “He wasn’t that bad,” I offer. “We just had different interests.”

  “By different interests you mean…?” Roh prompts. He lifts his beer to his lips, smiling around the rim.

  “He was into clubbing and expensive cars. I wasn’t. But he was funny. And he had his sweet moments.”

  “Douchebag,” Roh says, coughing into his hand. “So you guys met, he wooed you with his ability to effectively cleanse vaginas, and then what happened?”

  “We started dating and the natural course was sleeping together, so we did.”

  I was young. I just had my heart broken by Kellin the month before. Ryan was cute, full of a contagious energy, and he was the first guy I had ever met who spent money like a Kardashian. He was new and different, and I was looking for someone as opposite from Kellin as I could get.

  Ryan fit perfectly.

  “Lame,” Roh announces, his voice booming in the otherwise quiet night. “Details. We want details.”

  Sadie laughs, knowing how incredibly awkward the whole incident was for me. Most first times are, but mine is beyond the norm. I’ve definitely gotten over the first time jitters, but it’s horribly embarrassing to relive in front of Kellin. He was supposed to be my first, so for him to know this could have been his fate… I kind of want to crawl into a hole.

  “I’ll tell you the story, but then Kellin has to do his list,” I state.

  We all look to Kellin. I could tell earlier that he really didn’t want to list his exes and how the relationships failed. And I don’t blame him in the least. This sucks. Hopefully he’ll be understanding, and we can let each other off the hook.

  Kellin’s eyes meet mine. “Deal.”

  I glare at him, causing him to grin and show off the dimple in his cheek. My life would be so much easier if he wasn’t so cute.

  “Fine,” I growl. “It was in Ryan’s dorm after his roommate left for class.” I move quickly, recounting only the key parts. “I had made out with guys prior to that day, but none of those others guys had ever seen me naked, plus it was my first time, but not his. I was nervous. When I get nervous, I get sick to my stomach.”

  “OH,” Roh explodes. “Please tell me you puked on him.” He holds a fist to his chest, his eyes pinched closed in hopeful anticipation.

  My cheeks are burning, my ears on fire. I can’t look at Kellin. I focus on Roh’s absurd eagerness instead. “I didn’t puke on him. It was more like beside him. On the bed, and the floor…and his schoolbooks, and cell phone.” I cover my face with my hands, peeking between my fingers.

  The only person I ever told this story to, before tonight, is Sadie. I’m dying of shame.

  Roh lies back on the ground, literally rolling with laughter. “That’s fucking awesome. What did he do?” He sits back up, leaning on his palms. “I know he still had sex with you—I wouldn’t care about a little vomit either. But what I want to know is whether he cleaned it up first or not.”

  “We did it in the shower,” I say from behind the safety of my hands. “I cleaned it up after. His books and phone were ruined and his room smelled for days.”

  “That has to be the best worst sex story ever,” Roh utters.

  “Misty did her part,” Sadie trills. “Time to pay up, Patel. Give us your dirty little list.”

  16

  Kellin

  I can’t say I really miss Kelly. I definitely can’t say I’d be having more fun if she was here, either. But I know I wouldn’t be talking about my ex-girlfriends. And I’d probably be having sex.

  Regardless, I’m glad I’m here with Misty—even if it means sharing all my fuck-ups and having to abstain from sex.

  “Start with Marissa,” Roh reminds me, tugging on his brow piercing, twisting and spinning it. “That shit is hilarious.”

  “Misty already knows that story,” I say, a little surprised she never told Sadie about it. “And I don’t really consider her an ex, but I’ll give the CliffsNotes version since we’re talking about first times.” Nobody disagrees and I keep going.

  “Marissa and I were nominated for Homecoming court sophomore year, so we decided to go together. We went to a party afterward and hooked up. Her ex-boyfriend was at the same party and found out. I went to my first Homecoming, had sex for the first time, and got into my first fight all on the same night.”

  “Who won the fight?” Sadie asks.

  I chuckle, scraping my hand over my chin. “They did.”

  Sadie raises a brow in confusion. “They?”

  Roh claps his hands together, laughing his ass off, knowing what’s coming.

  “Marissa’s ex punched me, so I punched him back. And as soon as I did, she jumped on me. I had her hitting me with her purse from behind and her ex pummeling me with his fists from the front. They kicked my ass.”

  Sadie bumps Misty with her shoulder, both girls joining Roh, having fun at my expense. “You got beat up by a girl.” They all burst out laughing louder and I try to pretend I’m pissed about it, but I can’t pull it off. Sometimes you have to laugh at yourself, and this is undeniably one of those times.

  “Okay, Jimmy,” Misty says, dabbing at her eyes and trying to quiet her giggles. She inhales deeply, her hand over her stomach. “Marissa wasn’t over her ex-boyfriend, and obviously had some anger issues. What about the others?”

  “It’s not so much what was wrong with the girls I dated,” I explain. “It was the reasons I chose to date them that earned me the name. Marissa was just convenient. We were nominated together and she asked me. I went along with it because it saved me from asking somebody else.

  “I dated Gwen because after I had sex with Marissa, I realized how much I liked it. She talked openly about her sex life, so I knew she was having it. I wanted it. I asked her out.”

  “What ended up being wrong with her other than she was promiscuous?” Sadie asks. “If you dated her for sex, it sounds like it worked out.”

  “She was having so much sex because she wanted to get pregnant. She told me I didn’t need to use condoms—as tempting as that was, I declined because I knew she’d been with a lot of guys before me. I caught her poking holes in a condom a few days later. She admitted she wanted a baby and was hoping I had already impregnated her. That was a terrifying few weeks. I never looked forward to a girl’s period so much before—or since.”

  “You don’t want kids?” Sadie asks, her tone overly cavalier. She glances over at Misty and winks. I think she was trying to be discreet, but she’s too wasted to pull if off.

  “I do,” I reply. “When I’m in love and married. Horny, jobless, teenage boys aren’t the best applicants for the job.”

  “That’s real talk right there,” Roh states, adamantly agreeing with me. “There’s a time and a place for everything. High school isn’t baby time. Kids shouldn’t be making kids.”

  “Agreed,” Sadie murmurs with approval. “We have Anger Management and Baby Drama.” I laugh at her nicknames as she counts them off on her fingers. “Who’s next?”

  My laughter fades and my smile vanishes. My eyes automatically slide to Misty. “Amanda,” I utter. Her body goes visibly rigid and I know no matter what she says about forgiving me and starting over, she’ll never forget the way I made her feel that day.

  “And then there was Paige,” Roh declares. “Beautiful, smart, Klepto Paige.”

  “She was a klepto?” Misty asks, and it’s clear she doesn’t want to rehash Amanda any more than I do. Sadie must pick up on it too, because she doesn’t argue.

  “She was a sexy, female version of Swiper,” Roh answers for me.

  Sadie gives him an puzzled glance. “Who?”

  “Swiper. The evil little fox bandit from Dora the Explorer?”

  “Oh, that asshole who’s always stealing Dora’s shit just to throw it into a tree or something. Yeah, I know him. So this Paige chick stole from you?”

  “Paige was Wiccan,” I say. “She liked to take stuff to—according to her, ‘bring us closer to the spirits.”’ br />
  Sadie’s eyes widen. “Like a witch?”

  “No. Like a Wiccan. It’s a religion. Her whole family practices Wicca.”

  “She dressed like a witch—all black clothes and hair, but that never bothered me,” Roh states lying back and placing his head in his locked hands. “Although all that worshipping the earth and rain shit was a little strange. But not as strange as coming back to the dorms and finding her inside our room that we locked when we left. She’d be there going through our stuff. The first time was weird, but the Wicca thing was new to us, so we let it go. But by the fourth or fifth time, I was sick of all my shit missing. Kel finally dropped her when his guitar disappeared.”

  “What was her reason?” Misty asks. “Why did you date her?”

  I cock a brow and finish off my beer. “She was hot.”

  “Of course.” Sadie sighs. “Next?”

  “Kendra, and then Cassidy. I dated them back-to-back. Both for about three months each. Kendra was cool; we just had nothing in common outside of the bedroom. She introduced me to Cassidy and we hit it off.

  “She was sweet and pretty, but she was looking for a little more than I was ready for. I wanted a relationship, but I wasn’t ready to move in with someone, especially after three months. She gave me the: If-you-can’t-see-a-future-with-me-then-we-have-no-reason-to-be-together-in-the-present speech, and that was that.”

  “I kind of agree with that,” Sadie says.

  “The beginning of the relationship is just as important as the future,” Roh says. “You have to get to know each other, learn all those little things about one another before you make long-term commitments. Details,” he adds, flashing her a grin. “They’re important.”

  “That makes sense, too, but I still want to know I’m not wasting my time on something that will never grow into something. Unless I’m only looking for sex at the time.”

  “Only date fun, sexy men, then,” he suggests. “That way it’ll never be a waste of time. At least you meet someone awesome and have some fun.”

  Sadie beams at Roh. “I like your brain.”

  “You’re probably the first person to ever appreciate my mind over my body,” he replies, returning the smile.

  “I appreciated the body before I knew the mind,” she corrects. “I like both equally so far.”

  “The feeling is mutual.” He wiggles his brows, which on Roh is fucking creepy as hell, but Sadie sends him an approving smirk.

  I’m going to throw up all this beer I’ve consumed if they don’t quit. Misty and I share a look over the fire. I’m pretty sure we’re in agreement. She shakes her head, rolling her eyes dramatically.

  “And lastly,” I say getting Roh and Sadie’s attention. “There’s Kelly.”

  “Wait, you didn’t tell us what your stupid reasons for dating the other girls were,” Sadie pouts. “It sounded like you dated Cassidy for a good reason.”

  “I dated Cassidy because I didn’t want to be lonely.”

  “And what about Kendra?”

  I grind my teeth, the silence growing thick. I hate Roh right now, sitting there, smiling like an idiot because he knows exactly why I dated Kendra, and he knows how uncomfortable it’ll be to own up to it in front of Misty. I wish he didn’t find so much joy in torturing me. He needs to learn an important lesson about keeping his mouth shut.

  “Because she reminded me of someone,” I finally say. I stare hard at Sadie, my jaw clenched tightly. It’s a clear warning she shouldn’t push it. She arches a brow in challenge, and I move on before she can comment further.

  “I dated Kelly because she looked good in a dress and we broke up because she cheated on me. That was four days ago.”

  “She cheated?” Sadie rests her arms on her knees, leaning forward as if the conversation has just peaked her interest. “Well that sounds a lot like karma to me.”

  “Sadie, stop.” Misty says. “Kellin and I are good now.”

  17

  Misty

  For the past couple of nights, Kellin has offered to share his sleeping bag with me. And for the past couple of nights, I’ve been quietly freezing my ass off—mostly out of pride. Not to mention awkwardness. It’s getting more and more difficult to maintain my stand.

  “You can sleep with me,” Kellin offers as we head to bed. “I promise I won’t bite.”

  “He’s lying,” Roh calls from their tent. “That’s one of the main reasons he and Kendra couldn’t get out of the bedroom.”

  Kellin closes his eyes, his nostrils flaring as he inhales deeply, obviously annoyed. He drags the cap from his head and rakes his fingers through his dark hair.

  I have no desire to here about Kellin and Kendra’s sex life—past tense or not. I repeat my mantra the same as every other night. “I’ll be fine.” Sadie shuffles past me, stumbling inside our tent.

  “All right,” Kellin sighs. “If you need anything, we’re right next door.” He pops his thumb back, motioning over his shoulder. “Just a few feet away.”

  “I know. Thanks.”

  He tips his head in a slight nod. I step inside, zipping the tent closed behind me. Sadie climbs into her sleeping bag, still dressed in the same clothes she wore all day. I put on my college sweats and tee as well as a thick pair of socks, preparing for the long, cold night ahead.

  After my makeshift bed is spread out, I attempt to make myself comfortable. It’s been a little difficult on the hard ground. I don’t remember having this issue when I was younger. Maybe on top of a sleeping bag, I can pick up one of those inflatable mattresses when we stock up on supplies tomorrow.

  I grab my phone and shoot Luke a text. We’ve never gone this long without talking to each other. It’s weird that even though I notice this fact, it doesn’t bother me like I thought it would.

  Sadie’s already snoring by the time I slip my phone under my pillow and close my eyes. She doesn’t usually snore like this, but once she has a couple of drinks she’s worse than anyone I’ve ever heard, male or female.

  The cold is setting in much quicker tonight. I don’t know if it’s because I’m expecting it at this point, or if maybe that whole warmth from alcohol thing is a myth. I hold onto my blanket tightly and scoot closer to her, trying once again to find a comfortable position.

  When that does nothing more than get me a face full of her exhaled beer breath, I roll onto my side and curl into a ball.

  The past few days replay in my mind. As much fun as I’ve been having, it’s also been a very heavy stretch. Hearing about all of Kellin’s failed relationships was difficult, and just sad. I was surprised there were so few, yet each one was tough to envision. I knew he’d been with people over the years, Hope and Mason would fill me in from time to time, but it’s different coming from him. I know I shouldn’t care—I’m trying not to—but I can’t help feeling like I missed out. Like that should have been my time.

  And it was emotionally tiring listening to Kellin explain and apologize about Amanda. I don’t like the way it makes me feel to know the truth. I came here for answers, certain once I got them I could move on, but now I’m somehow more mixed up.

  That saying, the truth will set you free keeps running through my head. I don’t feel free. I feel lost.

  And cold.

  So damn cold.

  Jesus.

  I can’t take it anymore. I slip out from under my blanket and crawl over Sadie. She’s tucked in nice and cozy in her sleeping bag, the top folded snugly up under her chin.

  I try to pull it loose, but she’s clinging to it tightly.

  “Sadie, wake up,” I whisper, my teeth clicking together audibly. “Let me in there with you. I’m freezing my lady balls off.”

  And then the worst thing happens. Sadie mumbles something indecipherable, rolls onto her stomach, and farts. A really long, loud, horrible fart.

  I slap my hand over my nose and mouth, holding my breath, and skitter back quickly. I tug on the tent’s zipper, fighting it as if my life depends on it. It takes me three t
imes as long as it normally would to find my way outside.

  I finally fall out of the tent and suck in a lungful of fresh air. The puff of foggy breath that floats around my head reminds me of how cold I am. I hurry, crawling on all fours to Kellin and Roh’s tent.

  If I can find the keys, I can sleep in the truck.

  My fingers are shaking as I slide the fastener upward enough to squeeze inside. I’m not sure if I’m trembling more from cold or nerves.

  The guys’ tent is much smaller than the one I just came from and I nearly land on top of someone. I wish I had brought my cell phone with me so I could use the screen’s light to see better. I’m guessing by the size of the dark lumps I’m at Roh’s feet. I carefully edge over him, trying not to touch or wake him in any way and slide my fingers around his sleeping form in search of his keys.

  I already notice a difference in warmth in here. It could be because my heart is racing as if I just ran a marathon. I pause, contemplating whether I should just do some jumping jacks and go back to my tent. But then I think of Sadie and the very plausible lingering smell. A shiver racks my body, either from repulsion or the low temperature.

  Once I’m between the two guys, I lean down trying to verify the one I think is Kellin is, in fact, Kellin as I continue to feel around. The keys have to be around here somewhere.

  “Misty?” His sleepy voice startles me and I gasp, jumping back. “You okay?”

  I lick my suddenly dry lips. “Yeah. Sorry,” I whisper. “I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m so cold and Sadie is so gross…”

  He chuckles softly, sending the hairs on the back of my neck straight up. “Come on.” I hear the drag of the zipper and he lifts one corner.

  “No, I’ll just sleep in the truck. Do you know where the keys are?”

  “You’re not sleeping in the cold truck. That’s dumb. Come on.” He gives the sleeping bag a little shake and I can feel the heat radiating out of the bag. It’s all the enticement I need to hurry inside.