The Upstairs Room

  “We’ve got very little hay this winter. We’re going to have a tough time.”

  “Ja, ja, I guess so.”

  Obviously there wasn’t anybody in the kitchen but Opoe and Johan.

  I touched the doorknob. I swallowed. Slowly I pushed the door open. And then faster. I stuck my head into the kitchen.

  I only saw one face. It stuck out from a uniform. German.

  I turned around, crossed the room, and went up the stairs.

  “Didn’t you get any yarn?” Sini asked. “Look at me, something’s wrong with you. What happened? Did you get to the kitchen? Answer me.”

  I stood by the door.

  “Tell me what happened. Were they angry?”

  I didn’t move.

  “Annie, what’s going on? Come here.” Sini was no longer whispering.

  I couldn’t move.

  “Did you see Dientje?”

  I shook my head. No.

  “Who did you see. One of them?”

  I nodded.

  “Where.”

  “In the kitchen.”

  “But why did you go in there if they weren’t by themselves?”

  I licked my lips. “I thought they were.”

  Sini got out of bed. “Let’s get dressed. Hurry up.”

  “Why are we getting dressed?”

  “They’ll be up here any minute to take us away.”

  With trembling hands, she opened the drawer and took out some clothes. Without looking at each other, we put them on.

  We sat down on the bed in street clothes and waited. I was not even afraid. I felt nothing.

  Was that them? No, Johan walked in. “Boy, o boy, you scared me. It was a good thing Dientje was in the stable. What came over you?”

  I studied my nails. They needed cutting.

  “Eh? Answer me.”

  “Johan, when are they coming?” Sini asked.

  “Who?”

  “The soldiers.”

  “They’re not coming.”

  I looked up.

  “For a minute I thought, What the hell’s going on? I couldn’t believe my eyes. There she was in her pajamas. Who’s that little girl, the German asked, and why is she so scared? And then I came out with something pretty clever. I said, Oh, that’s Rikie, Dientje’s niece. She’s been here for a day or two, and she’s awfully shy. Maybe she’ll come out later before she goes home.

  “So as soon as I could get away, I went to the stable to tell Dientje about it. Boy! So quit sniveling, I said to her. Go to your sister and get the little girl. You can be back in a little over an hour. But she’s in school, she said. So what? I said to her. Go to the school and take her out.

  “But my sister doesn’t even know we’ve got Jews, she said. Well, I said, you’ve got to tell her. But Rikie doesn’t look like Annie, Dientje said. She’s right about that, but I figure the fellow didn’t see you long enough to remember what you look like. What are you wearing those clothes for?”

  “We thought they’d come upstairs and take us away.”

  “You didn’t think I’d get you out of this mess? Eh? What’s the matter with you?”

  Funny to hear a girl’s voice outside. What was her name again? Rikie? She should get together with the Groothuis boy; then they could laugh together. Ha, ha, ha, little boy, what are you doing? Playing ball? That’s not a good way. Let me show you how. No, go away. Ha, ha, ha.

  I pulled my pajama sleeves down. Stupid kids. Bah. They don’t know what is going on in the world. I’ll bet they don’t even know that Hitler is a maniac. I turned my back to the wall and stuck my fingers in my ears.

  “I’ve got such a headache,” Dientje said that night, “you can’t imagine. What a day! And she didn’t even know why she came with me.”

  “I had such a time keeping that little Rikie from going upstairs,” Opoe said. “Fui-fui, she’s a stubborn one. Nice enough though. It wasn’t smart what you did, Annie. He could’ve been nasty and followed you. And then what?”

  And then what? Why were the Germans in the kitchen all the time? That’s what I wanted to know. Maybe they even ate there, off plates. Unhappily I stared into the dark room. It wasn’t right.

  A week later we were startled by a lot of noise coming from the office, as if the furniture was being pushed around. We listened tensely. They were probably making room for more desks, Sini said. “They must have spread the word about what a wonderful house this is.”

  Yes, and what a warm kitchen.

  But we were wrong.

  “They packed up their stuff,” Johan panted, “and they left just like that. I’m glad. I was getting tired of having those fellows under foot all the time. Hey, Sini, I’m going to put the radio back in. Eh, for tonight?”

  “Sure,” she laughed. “Maybe the Allies are coming. Maybe that’s why they left in such a hurry. I’ll bet you that’s what it is.”

  With wobbly steps I walked over to my window. It was covered with a layer of ice. I opened my mouth wide and breathed on it. Slowly the ice melted. I stopped when enough of the window was clear to let me see outside. Sky.

  11

  FOR a while the Germans had stopped pulling men out of public places. Instead the official daily newspaper that only came out three times a week now asked them to go to work for Germany. “We need you,” it said. “You’ll like the work, and we’ll give you extra rations.”

  Some men were so hungry that they volunteered for the work, but not enough of them did, and trucks went around to pick them off the streets.

  “Goddammit,” Johan said, “I’m almost scared to go out. Next they’ll come to the house. You know something? I’m going to hide, too.”

  “Fui-fui, Johan.”

  “With the girls upstairs?” Dientje asked.

  “Na, woman, I couldn’t sit up here all day, and I don’t fit in the hiding place. Where would I go if they searched the house? No, I’ve got a plan that will be safe for everybody, especially for the girls.” He blew thick spirals of smoke out of his nostrils.

  In a small voice Dientje asked him where he was going to hide.

  “In Enschede.”

  “O God-o-god-o-god, Johan, the city.”

  Mr. Hannink had a place for him there, Johan said, where the Germans wouldn’t be likely to look. “It’s in a firehouse. You know, Mr. Hannink would go there himself if he wasn’t too old to have to worry about being picked up.”

  Dientje and Opoe looked at him unbelievingly.

  “Really,” Johan said, “I’ll stay there with a couple of other guys and as soon as things calm down again I’ll be back, of course. You know, it won’t be much fun sitting in that place all day with those fire engines.” He crushed his cigarette in an empty cup. “Damn.”

  “But what about the girls?” Dientje asked in a shrill voice.

  “What about them?” Johan said. “Why should anything change just because I won’t be here for a couple of days? Eh?”

  Opoe nodded.

  Dientje started to cry. “You’ve never been away, Johan.”

  “This is war, woman.”

  I looked around for my sweater. I was shivering.

  That night Sini didn’t sleep on the mattress on the floor. She got into bed with Dientje and me.

  “I’m scared, girls,” Dientje kept saying. “It’s so dangerous, and with Johan gone.… Opoe’s no help. Girls, you hear me?”

  We tossed and turned. We had heard.

  When Opoe came in to wake us up in the morning, we were already out of bed.

  “Mother,” Dientje said, “it’s too dangerous having the girls now. It really is.”

  She should keep her wits together, Opoe said. What was different now? The chickens were still hungry. We had to eat. “And Johan? He’ll be back.”

  All right, Dientje argued, but who knew when.

  “Ja, that I don’t know either.”

  Sini and I sat on our chairs, listening.

  Dientje went on: “… dangerous … if … that’s it … sh
ot … those murder camps … ja, ja … what do you know. We’ll take ’em back when Johan gets home again.”

  What was that? Where would we go? I bit hard on my lower lip.

  “I’m going to ask the Hanninks to take ’em. They said two years ago we were only going to have them for a couple of weeks. They can stay in that hiding place they’ve got out back.”

  No, not there, Dientje. I can’t go back there. Please. I looked up at Opoe. She wouldn’t let her take us to the Hanninks. Opoe tried to stop her, but Dientje was firm. “I don’t want to do it to them either, but it’s only for as long as Johan’s gone.”

  After a while Opoe relented, but she had tears in her eyes. “Fui-fui, what a world!”

  Sini said nothing.

  Dientje left.

  With an embarrassed face she came back from the Hanninks’. “It’s all right,” she said, “you can go tonight. They’ll bring food and everything you’ll need to that place. Honestly, girls, I feel bad about it.”

  On her way out she tried to hug me, but I pulled away. I felt bad about it, too. Worse than bad. Why wasn’t Johan here? He probably liked it in Enschede with all those fire engines.

  After it got dark that night, we left. Dientje walked rapidly ahead of us. Now and then she slowed down so we could catch up with her.

  We waited in the Hanninks’ backyard while she rang their bell. A minute later she was back with Mr. Hannink. We followed him to where the ground felt a little elevated. There we stopped.

  “It’s better this way, girls,” Dientje whispered. “Honestly.”

  Numbly Sini and I stepped forward and down.

  Days looked just like nights, even with the flashlight.

  At night Mrs. Hannink came with food for the next day. “If we had a hiding place in the house,” she said every time, “believe me, we wouldn’t let you stay here.”

  Sini cried a great deal. She was sure the Oostervelds would never take us back.

  “But, Sini, Johan won’t leave us here.”

  “Why not?” she said.

  Yes, why not? “He won’t, Sini. You’ll see.”

  “See what?” she sobbed. “See nothing. Ever again. When I get out of here, I’ve had it. I’m not going to stay hidden any longer, and I don’t care what happens to me, either.”

  She wanted to go back to the Oostervelds’, but she was not going to stay hidden? “Sini?” But she couldn’t hear me. She was making too much noise. She’d better be careful. Crying sounds don’t usually come from the ground. I leaned over to tell her. It helped… for a little while. What would happen to me if Sini didn’t want to stay hidden? Worriedly I lay down.

  Johan would probably be coming back soon, Mr. Hannink said. The Germans seemed to have stopped picking men off the streets for work.

  On the tenth night he did. “I just got home,” he said, “and, goddammit, you weren’t there. I’m furious at those women. Are you crazy sitting here like a couple of moles? Come on out. We’re going home.”

  Dazed we walked behind him. He had come.

  Sini hadn’t forgotten what she had said in the hiding place, that she was not going to stay inside anymore.

  “But it won’t be that much longer,” Johan told her, “so quit talking that way.”

  But she didn’t. Then in December the Allies were attacked in Belgium. They were too confused to fight back and for days they withdrew, chased by the Germans.

  “That won’t last,” Johan said. “Everybody knows that.”

  What he said didn’t make Sini stop crying though. Neither did Dientje’s frantic “Hush, hush, be quiet for Godsake!”

  “I’ve never heard such goings-on in my life. Fui-fui.”

  “But, Opoe, I’m twenty-three, and I want to go outside. I’ve had enough.”

  “What d’you want me to do about it. Eh? Tell me.” Johan was breathing heavily.

  We all stared at Sini. Yes, what did she want him to do?

  Ask Mr. Hannink for false identification papers, she said at once. How did she dare? Hadn’t that poor man risked his life enough for us? Well, maybe he wouldn’t do it. Nobody said anything for a minute.

  “There are so many people from Arnhem who have lost their homes. Johan, couldn’t I be one of them? I don’t look Jewish. Who would find out? You yourself have had people from there coming to the house, asking for food and a place to sleep.”

  I didn’t dare look at Johan’s face. I was too afraid to see what his reaction would be. “Dammit, Sini, you’re really asking me something this time.”

  I looked up. Johan was shaking his head. “But it’s not a bad idea. Actually, it’s a very good one. I could get you a job as a maid near here. I can tell ’em how good you are with cows. I’ll go to Mr. Hannink and see what he and I can do. Eh? How’s that for a dumb farmer?”

  “Won’t it be dangerous?”

  “Ah, woman, not the way I’ve planned it.”

  Opoe shook her head. “It’s not very nice for Annie, Johan.”

  “Well, she’s a different person. She can stand it, and Sini can’t.”

  Is that so! Sure, I love living up here. Doesn’t it show? My smile isn’t wide enough? Here, is this one better? That’s how much I love it. And every year my smile will get wider and wider because I’ll love it more and more.

  “What does Annie have to say?” Opoe asked.

  “I think maybe it’s a good idea,” I said as loud as I could.

  Sini got off her chair and put her arms around me.

  Mr. Hannink said he could get the papers, and a few days later he brought them over. An underground worker in Enschede had printed them for him.

  On the front Sini signed her new name, Sini te Broeke, right over her picture. On the inside, born March 2, 1922, in Arnhem; profession, maid.

  Johan went to a few farmers and asked them the same thing, “You want a maid? This girl came to my house, but I haven’t got work for her. Otherwise I’d keep her myself. She’s got a pair of work hands on her, boy. And she’s something with cows, I can tell you. She can milk ’em faster than you can sit down underneath them.”

  The third farmer said he could use somebody like that and Sini put her few clothes in a bag. “Annie, if you really don’t want me to go, Johan can tell the farmer I won’t come. Annie?”

  It looked like snow. Maybe there’d be some for Christmas.

  “It’s all right with you? Honestly?” Her voice trembled.

  I nodded. It might even snow tonight.

  “Don’t tell ’em about your milking diploma,” Opoe warned. “They’re not fancy.”

  “Okay,” Johan said, “We’d better go. I’ll walk you over.”

  “You want a piece of bread and a cup of milk before you go, Sini?”

  “Ma, where d’you think she’s off to?”

  “I know, but she could still want something.”

  “Don’t work too hard,” Dientje said. “The more you do the more they want.”

  “She’s got to do something or I’d be a liar. What d’you think they want her for, eh? For her red hair? So don’t tell her to be like you are. Come, say good-bye to your sister.”

  I wanted to get up and give her a kiss, but I couldn’t do it. Sini came to me.

  She picked up her bag and walked to the door. She didn’t turn around.

  A minute later I heard her come out of the kitchen with Johan. I buried my head in my hands. It wasn’t fair.

  I spent most of the days in bed. I had promised Sini I’d walk around every day, but I didn’t. If she really cares that much, let her come back. She likes being on that farm. What did she say again last week? She misses me. Then why didn’t she visit last night. I frowned.

  “She forgetting you?” Opoe asked me.

  “No,” I said, “she’s very busy.”

  “With what?” Opoe asked.

  Work, of course. Tomorrow she’ll be here, for Christmas dinner, and she’ll stay all afternoon and all evening.

  Those were Dientje’s footsteps o
n the stairs. What did she want? “Move over,” she said, “so I can sit here. What’ve you been doing with yourself?”

  What a question! I tried to smile.

  “Where d’you want Dientje to hang this new calendar.”

  “No place.”

  What for? To fill this one up, too, with marked-off days? Thanks. No.

  At dinnertime the next day I walked slowly downstairs.

  “Is the kitchen door locked?” Dientje asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Now, Annie, the minute you hear anybody outside you run up the stairs. Here, sit near the door.”

  Sini sat down next to me. She took my hand. It felt hard. “Johan, d’you know the Wassinks? They’re at the next farm.”

  “Of course, I know them. Why?”

  “I went out with their son last night.”

  I looked down at my plate.

  “Is that so,” Opoe asked. “Already you’re going out?”

  “Well, my God,” Sini said, “I haven’t for years. I’m the right age for it, Opoe.”

  “Where did you go?” Dientje asked.

  “Well, there’s no place to go in Usselo. You know that. We just went for a walk. He’s nice. He asked me over to his house on New Year’s Eve.”

  “Maybe you should keep Annie company that night,” Johan said.

  “She doesn’t have to,” I protested.

  “Well, I would come here, but you go to bed very early. Okay, I’ll do both. I’ll get here early in the evening. Did you know that Boekelo has a drama club?”

  “What does that do?” Opoe asked.

  “Oh, they get together on Saturday nights and rehearse a play or something. They want me to join.”

  “You going to?” Opoe asked suspiciously.

  “I don’t know yet.”

  “What d’you want to be in a play for? What’s the matter with coming here on Saturday nights? Boys, plays. What’s next?”

  “Ma, she’s old enough to know what she’s doing.”

  “Ja, ja, maybe. Dientje, this rabbit’s so tough my gums hurt. No, it doesn’t matter. I don’t need much, not at my age. I can suck it a little bit and get the taste. What else have you got?”

  I looked at Sini. Her eyes were sparkling. No wonder boys were asking her out. She was beautiful.