A Place to Call Home

  ‘Oh, look, Sabina! The sea!’ Ayesha pointed out beyond the headland, smile wide.

  Her daughter sat up in the car and peered out of the window, excitement shining in her eyes.

  Something inside his heart settled and, watching the gentle rhythm of the waves, a peace that he hadn’t experienced for some time washed over him. This might not be the Caribbean Sea or the Indian Ocean, but there was an old-world charm about an English coastal resort that nowhere else on the planet could match. The sheer beauty of Lulworth Cove in Dorset was also one of the best examples he could think of to introduce someone to the seaside.

  ‘We’re here,’ he said unnecessarily. ‘This is Lulworth Cove.’

  The rays burned pleasantly on his pale, sun-starved arm as he rested it on the open window. A comforting warmth flooded his body, which had felt chilled to the bone for so long. To his embarrassment, he felt like weeping with a mixture of relief and delight.

  This had been a good idea. A very good idea.

  Chapter Fifty-one

  We park up on a hill overlooking the village and Hayden goes to buy a ticket from the meter. I make myself useful by lifting the bags out of the back of the car. As it was all done in such a rush, I didn’t really have time to think what to bring. There are some towels, some spare clothes, but not much else. I haven’t got sunscreen for Sabina and we have nothing for her to play with on the sand. She doesn’t even possess a ball yet.

  When Hayden comes back, he takes the bags from me and slips his free hand under my elbow. ‘We’ll go straight to that shop by the heritage centre,’ he says. ‘We can stock up on sun-tan lotion and buy Beanie a bucket and spade.’

  ‘I was thinking that myself.’

  ‘While you choose some bits and bobs, I’ll find us some lunch.’ Hayden hands me some money. ‘Here, take this.’

  ‘I have money,’ I tell him.

  ‘I have more,’ he teases. ‘Take it. This is my treat.’

  So I buy a purple bucket shaped like a castle and a pink spade for Sabina and, by the time we’ve paid, Hayden has appeared bearing a carrier bag filled with piping hot pasties, sandwiches and soft drinks.

  ‘I think we’re all set for the day now,’ he says.

  As the weather is very fine, the resort is busy, and we head down to the beach through the pretty main street with a steady trickle of excited families laden with deckchairs, sunshades and picnics.

  As we step on to the sand, I have to stop and marvel at the view. It’s as different as possible to the magnificence of the Indian Ocean, but this has a homely beauty all of its own. The cove is almost a full circle of sand, banked by sheer grassy cliffs, with a narrow exit that leads out to the sea beyond. The sea is turquoise, as still as a millpond, and looks so inviting.

  ‘This is truly beautiful.’

  ‘It is,’ Hayden agrees, and he fills his lungs full of tangy sea air.

  Lulworth Cove is obviously very popular with families, who are already spreading out towels, staking their claim to a stretch of beach. So we walk along the pebbles until we find a spot further away from everyone else where we can settle. We find a place over by the cliffs that looks just fine.

  ‘Here?’ Hayden asks.

  ‘Perfect.’ And it is. I’ve never seen anywhere nicer in my life. I feel lighter simply looking at it.

  ‘Isn’t this beautiful, Sabina?’

  She nods her agreement, and I can tell from her beaming smile that she’s as happy as I am.

  Hayden deposits the bags on the sand and I shake out the towels and set them down side by side. While we fuss in the way that adults do, Sabina has already kicked off her shoes and run down to the sea. She lets the water wash over her feet as she holds her arms outstretched above her head, welcoming, embracing the sun.

  Hayden flops down on to a towel. He pulls off his woolly hat and the sea breeze ruffles his blond hair. He tries to smooth it down and fails. For the first time in my life, I want to run my fingers through a man’s hair. I want to smooth it down, only to muss it up again.

  Catching me looking at him, he says, ‘What?’

  ‘You look very relaxed. The sea air must be good for you.’

  He stretches out on his back, arms flung above his head. ‘This is the life.’ Then he turns towards me. ‘I sometimes think about getting away from it all. Coming to somewhere like this, blending into the background. Who would find me down here? Who would even care?’

  Sitting down on the towel next to him, I pull my knees into my chest and hug them. ‘You wouldn’t miss London?’

  ‘I hate London,’ he admits.

  ‘Then why stay there?’

  He shrugs. ‘I stay for Crystal, for Joy. Because I don’t know what else to do with myself.’

  ‘You’ll find your way,’ I assure him. ‘It just takes time.’

  ‘Maybe I need to come here more often, to sit and think.’

  ‘That would be a very good plan.’

  Sabina comes back to us. Her face is glowing, happy. I wish she would speak out, tell us how she feels, thank Hayden for bringing us to this wonderful place. But she doesn’t.

  Instead, I speak for her. ‘Hayden, we’re both very grateful for this outing.’

  ‘It’s my pleasure,’ he says. ‘We should do more of this.’

  ‘I’d like that very much.’

  ‘I’m starving,’ Hayden says. ‘Let’s open that bag.’

  So I spread out what we’ve got and we eat the pasties while they’re still hot and watch the world go by.

  ‘I must put some sunscreen on my daughter.’ Her arms and legs are mostly covered, and I look at the other children and see that many of them are similarly protected. I think it’s a bad thing to let your child be caught by the sun these days, but I wonder should I allow her more freedom? She’s a child and shouldn’t be self-conscious about her body. Would it be a bad thing for her to have the sun on her skin, her arms? I smooth the cream on to her face. In the shop, I bought her a cotton sunhat, which I fix over her hair.

  ‘Now I’m going to teach this young lady how to make the best sandcastle the world has ever seen,’ Hayden declares.

  Sabina grins at him and coyly picks up her spade.

  He kicks off his flip-flops and unbuttons his white linen shirt. The wind lifts it and flares it open, exposing a chest that’s pale, hairless, but strong and defined. I want to touch his skin, see how my dark hand looks against the snowy whiteness. The thought makes me flush.

  I’ve bought a wide-brimmed straw sunhat too, which I put on, then I settle myself on the towel in the sunshine. I watch Hayden and Sabina play together in the sand, marvelling at his patience with my child. He’s a kind man. A good man.

  How I wish my marriage could have been like this. With a man like Hayden I could have been a different woman. A happy woman.

  Chapter Fifty-two

  We spend the day on the beach, eating ice-cream, making sandcastles, paddling in the sea. We all hold hands and walk the length of the cove in the edge of the sea. My feet sink into the sand and Hayden holds my hand tightly so that I keep my balance. I like how it feels. I like it very much. He says that he’ll teach Sabina to swim if I’d like him to.

  I look at him, his face soft and golden in the sinking sun, and think that he’s a very beautiful person. The things that he says make me believe that he wants us to be in his life for a long time. I can only hope that I’m right.

  Lifting Sabina from the sea, he swings her into his arms and carries her back to our towels. Her T-shirt and trousers are wet through, but I’ve taken the precaution of bringing spare clothes for her. It’s nice to see her so free and unburdened.

  ‘We should find somewhere to eat,’ Hayden says as he folds up his towel. ‘I bet Sabina is hungry.’

  ‘What time must we leave?’ I ask.

  He stops what he’s doing and turns to me. ‘We don’t have to go back tonight,’ he says. ‘The forecast for tomorrow is good too. We could find a hotel and stay overnight. There’
s another place that I’d really like to show you. I think Sabina will love it as well.’

  ‘We have no things with us. No overnight clothes or toiletries.’

  Hayden shrugs. ‘We can buy whatever we need. Have you anything to get back for?’

  ‘Well… no.’

  He grins at that. ‘Then you’ll stay?’

  ‘If that’s what you wish.’

  He puts his hands on my arms. ‘It’s what you want that’s important. Would you like to spend the night down here?’

  ‘Very much,’ I say.

  ‘Then that’s settled. I’ll ring Crystal so she doesn’t worry, and then we can drive a little bit further down the coast and see if we can find some accommodation.’

  My heart lifts. This feels like an excellent adventure.

  We drive for about half an hour along the coast and then Hayden spots a white house high on the cliff above the beach. The sign says VACANCIES.

  ‘Look OK to you?’ he asks.

  ‘It’s fine.’

  He swings into the drive and parks up. ‘Give me a minute. I’ll see if they’ve got two rooms,’ and he sprints away.

  A moment later he comes back and says, ‘We’re on. It’s really nice. The rooms overlook the sea.’ He lifts our sandy bags from the boot and carries them into the house. We follow Hayden inside and up the stairs.

  ‘Here you go. This is you and Sabina.’ I’m relieved to see that I’m sharing with Sabina. I was uncertain what the arrangements would be and I didn’t like to ask.

  It’s a big room with one double bed in the middle and a single under the window. The wallpaper is pretty, sprigged with pink flowers, and the bedspread is a cheery pink and white stripe. There’s a glass coffee table that has a quirky base made from driftwood, which is flanked by two cream linen armchairs. French doors open out on to a small balcony, and beneath it the garden of the house stretches out to the edge of the cliff, with the beach beyond. It’s surrounded by fields and sand dunes on all sides. I open one of the doors and can hear the rush of the waves. I turn to Hayden. ‘This is very lovely.’

  ‘That’s Lyme Bay.’ He comes behind me and, resting a hand on my shoulder, points into the distance. ‘It’s beautiful, isn’t it?’

  ‘Very.’ The sun is golden across the water. What few clouds there are in the sky are tipped with raspberry and apricot hues.

  ‘Glad you like it,’ Hayden says. ‘I’m right next door. It’s an adjoining room.’ He points to a white door that I hadn’t noticed. ‘The key is on your side.’

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘I’ll be back in a second. Just let me dump my stuff.’ He disappears into his own room.

  I go to the door that separates us. There is, indeed, a heavy key in the lock.

  Moments later he returns as promised. ‘Let’s run to the nearest supermarket and grab some supplies.’

  So we drive out through the pretty countryside until we find a small supermarket where we buy toothpaste, toothbrushes, clean underwear and cheap T-shirts for us all.

  ‘You realise that Crystal would have had to buy an entire new wardrobe and a suitcase full of make-up,’ he jokes as we queue to pay.

  ‘I’ve discovered from Crystal that I’m very low-maintenance,’ I quip in return.

  ‘You are,’ he says. ‘Nothing wrong in that.’

  I get a pang of regret that my dear friend isn’t with us. Though I must confess that I’m enjoying my time alone with Hayden.

  Back at the house on the cliff, we deposit our new clothes.

  ‘The owner told me there’s a lovely café just below us on the beach. They close quite early, so we’ll have to go straight down there and see if they can fit us in for dinner.’

  So that’s exactly what we do. We walk across the fields and then make our way down a steep path worn into the cliff until we’re on the beach. There are still a lot of people walking dogs along the edge of the sea, and a handful of fishermen cast their rods into the edge of the waves. The sun is lowering steadily as we make our way towards the café.

  ‘This is part of the Chesil Bank,’ Hayden says. ‘It stretches for eighteen miles along the coast.’

  ‘You know a lot about this area.’

  ‘We often came here as a family when I was younger. It was our favourite spot.’

  ‘Where are your family now?’

  ‘I don’t see much of them,’ he admits, pursing his lips. ‘It’s probably eighteen months since I last visited. My mother and father live in Oxford. Still in the same house I grew up in. I should see them. Call them, at least.’

  ‘That’s not far from London.’

  ‘No,’ he agrees. ‘Not in miles.’

  I find it odd that his parents live so close to him and yet Hayden doesn’t see them. Why? I wonder. I’d give anything to spend time with my mummy and daddy again.

  When we reach the café, it’s bustling and we’re seated under a plastic awning adorned with fairy lights. A heater above us takes the chill from the ocean breeze and the encroaching evening. The people who were walking dogs in green wellies, come in too. The dogs sit obediently under the tables while they all order champagne and cocktails and talk in loud voices.

  We have a hearty dinner made with local ingredients. Hayden and I share a hot shellfish platter piled high with Burton Bradstock lobster, West Bay crab, langoustines and local hand-dived scallops, steamed with chilli, ginger, garlic and cream. Sabina has home-made fish fingers with chips. Hayden orders two glasses of champagne for us too, and I throw caution to the wind and drink it all.

  Afterwards, with tummies full and my head a little bit swimmy, we walk down to the beach again. It’s dusk now. The light has all but gone and the tide is coming in. We sit on a low wall and watch as the red ball of the sun sinks slowly below the horizon. I feel such peace in my heart that I don’t want this day to end, not ever. It’s been perfect. I don’t have to mind who I am when I’m with Hayden. I don’t have to watch my words carefully in case they should ignite his anger. There’s not a band of tension constantly squeezing my chest. I can be myself.

  I look at him, his handsome profile in the shadow as the sun falls to the horizon, and I realise for the first time in my life that I’m in love. I want to reach up and touch his face, feel the graze of his stubble beneath my fingers. I want to feel his mouth on mine, hot and searching. I’m surprised by the force of my feelings but, for once, not frightened by them.

  The sun finally disappears and, without meaning to, I shiver slightly.

  ‘Cold?’

  ‘A little,’ I admit.

  Casually, as if it means nothing, Hayden puts his arm around my shoulders and moves closer to me. I can feel the warmth of his body against mine, and a feeling of belonging right here floods through me. I should like to tell him at this moment that I have fallen in love with him, but I find that I simply can’t.

  While I’m fighting my reticence, Sabina yawns sleepily. ‘I should put her to bed now.’

  So we walk back along the beach to the house and Hayden’s arm stays around my shoulders. We clamber up the steps of the cliff and through the dark garden. He picks Sabina up and carries her in his strong arms. She falls asleep instantly against his shoulder.

  When we get to the bedroom, he takes her straight to the single bed and lowers her on to it. Softly he drops a kiss on Sabina’s forehead and tenderly brushes her hair from her brow. Her eyes flicker, trying to fight sleep and failing. Hayden smiles to see it. ‘Night-night, Little Bean.’

  Then he turns to me. ‘Night, Ayesha.’

  ‘Goodnight, Hayden. I can’t thank you enough.’

  He presses a finger to my lips. ‘It’s good to be here with you. I think it’s done us all a world of good.’

  ‘I think so to.’

  ‘If you need anything call me,’ he says. ‘If not, I’ll see you in the morning. Breakfast at nine?’

  I nod my agreement. ‘Goodnight,’ I say again.

  Without warning, his tender kiss touches my l
ips. Then he’s gone, into his own room, and I stay in mine as he closes the door behind him.

  Chapter Fifty-three

  I would have liked to bathe Sabina but I don’t wish to wake her from her deep sleep, so I simply cover her and leave her be.

  Instead, I fill the bath for myself, and even treat myself to some of the scented foam that’s provided for guests. It smells of vanilla and anise. I lie back in the water and let the aroma soothe me. My mind fills with thoughts of Hayden and I wish I’d had the courage to ask him to stay longer in our room.

  As I dry my skin, I look at myself in the full mirror. My breasts are small, dark; my hips boyish. I’m not comely, voluptuous as Crystal is. I wonder would Hayden really like a woman such as me, when he’s had a woman in his life like that? Laura was such a beauty too, and I know that I could never compare to her. It’s sad to think that although I’m a married woman of ten years, I know little of love or how to please a man. With Crystal’s experience, I should imagine she’s fun, abandoned in bed. I don’t think I’m like that at all. With my husband, physical love was always done for duty, not for my pleasure. There’s a longing deep inside me as I wonder how different it would be with Hayden.

  Hanging on the back of the door there’s a white dressing gown, and I wrap myself in it. The waffle material is slightly rough, abrasive on my skin, which seems suddenly to have a heightened sensitivity. Is it from the sun or has the unaccustomed alcohol made it so? Or is it from the thought of Hayden sleeping in the very next room with nothing but a door to separate us?

  Sitting on the edge of the bed, I wonder what to do now. It’s not late, barely past nine. Sabina makes wet, snuffling noises in her sleep. I go to the connecting door and press my ear against the wood. If I strain to listen, I can hear Hayden moving about his room.

  Feelings stir inside me that I’ve not experienced for a long time. A mix of anxiety, excitement and desire. There’s an ache in my heart and in my body. I’m yearning for Hayden and I don’t know what to do.