Goodness and Light

  Elena watched him stalk down the block, unable to deny the terrible feeling deep in her heart that she’d just lost a precious gift.

  Chapter Four

  Lucas stepped onto the train, found a seat and shifted in annoyance when something stabbed his butt. Someone had left a—a seashell on the PATH train?

  He cast his eyes to heaven and sighed heavily. “Really?” He picked up the shell, stared at it for a long moment and finally tucked into his pocket with a small smile.

  The ride wasn’t long and soon he was jogging the few blocks to his condo. He unlocked his door and managed not to throw his keys at the wall. The nerve of that woman—all but accusing him of being a player. Hell, he could have stolen half a dozen kisses tonight while they’d stuffed those prize bags but hadn’t attempted one because his mother had taught him to respect women, not play with them. Then, he got insulted anyway.

  He was better off, he told himself. She had some serious baggage. And, as she’d so clearly outlined, she wouldn’t be here that long. He locked the door, stripped off his outer gear and hung it in the stingy closet in the hall, slamming the door behind him. He stalked into his bedroom, stripped to his boxers and flung his clothes across the room, which made him feel only marginally better. Okay, so maybe he did have ulterior motives—he liked her, found her attractive and smart and interesting. She seemed like a nice person he might have wanted to spend time with. It was Christmas, after all. He flipped the covers over and flopped into bed, gave the pillow a punch or two and groaned.

  The baby’s crib.

  The hell with it and her. Let her build it herself. He fell asleep, doing his damndest – and failing miserably – to dream about anything except tiny babies trapped in collapsing cribs. At seven AM on a Saturday morning, he stalked back to his closet, opened the bright red toolbox he kept high on a shelf, and found himself staring at his Allen keys, right on top.

  Okay. Fine.

  He’d build the damn crib and make a fast retreat before things got weird. He would be pleasant around Elena for Kara’s sake.

  He grabbed his phone and sent a text message to Kara, inviting himself over as soon as she was up to it. To his astonishment, she texted back immediately.

  I’m up. I haven’t slept in a month.

  Come over whenever you want and

  I’ll make you breakfast. You rock!

  Thirty minutes later, Lucas was standing outside the door to Kara Larsen’s building. She’d been volunteering with the SFG for years, but for some reason, he’d never been the one who’d walked her home. He pondered that for a minute. Al would say he obsessed over it, but he preferred pondered because it implied a certain detachment. It wasn’t like he really believed it was one of Al’s irritating signs.

  She buzzed him inside and he stepped out of the elevator, surprised to find her waiting at the door to her apartment.

  “Hey, Kara. How you feeling?”

  She rolled big brown eyes so much like Elena’s and shot him a wry grin. “About as good as I look.”

  “Well, you must feel amazing then.”

  “Sweet talker.” She waved a hand, stood aside to let him in. “What’s this?”

  “The firehouse was selling them so I picked one up for you.” He held out the fragrant wreath he’d just bought on his way from the PATH station to her door.

  “Lucas! Thank you. I haven’t had the energy to do anything for Christmas.”

  Luke propped the wreath against a table, dropped his toolbox beside it, and led Kara to the sofa. “Lie down.” When she had, Luke covered her with the blanket folded over the back of the sofa and grabbed a dog-eared copy of a baby name book. “Wow. You’ve got a lot of potentials here.”

  “Yeah, but nothing that sings, you know?”

  “Do you know what you’re having?”

  Kara shook her head. “No, I want to be surprised. I pick up the phone a dozen times a day to call my doctor and ask, but then I remember how few surprises like that there are in life, you know, where both possible options are equally good?”

  Luke thought about that for a moment and nodded. “I never thought about it like that, but you’re right.” He looked around. “So where’s the crib?”

  Kara bit her lip. “Um, about that. I was so excited about you building the crib, I forgot that my sister’s sleeping in that room.”

  Luke’s mood chilled. Elena. Right.

  “What do you think of Stella?”

  “Who?”

  Kara laughed. “Not a who yet... I mean for the baby.”

  “Um, Stella?” Lucas immediately thought of a lifetime of Stanleys shouting that name and shook his head. “No.”

  “Crap,” Kara sighed and covered her face with the book. “Why is this so hard?”

  Lucas had no answer for her. He pointed to a closed door. “Is it okay if I wake her up?”

  She peered out from behind the book and waved a hand. “Yeah, go ahead. She’s got plans today. She promised me Christmas cookies.” Kara rubbed her belly in anticipation.

  His lips split into a wicked grin. This was going to be fun. He grabbed his toolbox and headed for the closed door.

  Chapter Five

  “Good morning, sunshine! Time to greet the day!”

  A cheerful voice cut into the dream she’d been enjoying—the very hot dream about a guy with a brilliant smile wearing nothing but a Santa hat—

  Wait.

  The voice had not been her sister’s.

  Elena jack-knifed upright, heart hammering at her ribcage, and found Lucas Adair in her bedroom. “What? What happened? Where’s Kara?”

  “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Take it easy. I’m here to build the crib so I need you to vacate the room.”

  Elena pressed a hand to her chest, tried to quiet her racing heart, and narrowed her eyes. “You want me to leave? At—” she tapped the cell phone she’d left beside the air mattress—“eight o’clock in the freakin’ morning?”

  Luke stared down at her, no twinkle in his eyes and no smile on his lips. “Just get up so I can put the damn crib together and get out of your life.”

  Elena rubbed sleep from her eyes and sighed. “Lucas, I am so sorry about everything I said last night. If you’ll let me, I’d like to start over.”

  He considered that for a minute. “I’ll think about it. If you spend the day with me.”

  “Why would you want to do that?” She looked at him sideways.

  He crouched down, dropped the toolbox and rubbed his chin. “Damned if I know. Come on, give me a chance.”

  She flopped back down on her air mattress. “Fine. I’ll see you in an hour or two.”

  “Oh, no you don’t.” Luke punctuated his comment with a rip of the cap on the air mattress and in seconds, Elena’s comfortable bed sagged to the hard floor.

  She snapped aside her blanket and stalked around him to the apartment’s single bathroom, across the hall.

  “Good morning! How come you didn’t tell me—”

  Elena slammed the bathroom door on her sister’s greeting and took care of business behind the locked door. When she emerged a few minutes later, Elena was astonished to find Kara in the kitchen cooking breakfast.

  “What the hell are you doing?” she demanded.

  “Good morning to you, too.” Kara put a cup of instant cocoa into Elena’s hands.

  “Kara, what is he doing here?”

  “He texted me this morning about the crib. And look!” She clapped her hands and pointed to a wreath lying against the end table. “He brought a wreath. It’s totally Christmas now.”

  Elena smelled the evergreen and her stomach kinked. It did smell like Christmas, just the way she remembered it. How could Kara be so damn cheerful about that? Christmas hadn’t been worth celebrating since they were in high school.

  “Laney? Oh, honey, I’m sorry.”

  Elena blinked, found Kara standing beside her looking all glum, and her guilt levels shot to redline. “No! No, it’s okay. I just got scared, you know? Str
ange guy in my room, startling me out of a sound sleep—”

  “Laney, you met Luke and spent hours working with him. He’s certainly not a stranger. Besides, he told me you asked him to do the crib.”

  Elena’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, did he?” She moved to the pan her sister had already buttered, and cracked some eggs into it, determined to put some food in her sister’s mouth so she’d stopped talking about Lucas.

  Kara didn’t notice her sarcasm. She was still gushing about him. “...and everybody at SFG will tell you he’s a great guy. And, he’s single.”

  “So ask him out if he’s so wonderful,” Elena mumbled.

  Kara’s jaw dropped. “Not me, you nut. You.”

  “Not interested.”

  “Oh, Laney. You are so interested, it hurts.” Kara shook her head. “Come on! I know he’s the guy who picked up your bags yesterday. Remember that look?”

  Elena slammed a drawer shut. “Kara. There was no look. I’m here to help you through this pregnancy, not be on the next episode of The Bachelor, okay? Give it a rest!”

  There was silence for a long moment.

  “Yeah,” Kara finally whispered. “Yeah, okay.”

  Elena didn’t dare look at her sister. She heard Kara shuffle back to her spot on the sofa and cursed silently. She’d promised herself this visit, this Christmas would be different. No flipping out. No angry outbursts. She’d promised she’d be here for Kara and the baby. Here they were, not even twenty-four hours later, and she’d already snapped. She cut the heat under the pan, stalked back to the bathroom. She needed a shower. A hot shower to soothe her frayed nerves and then she’d apologize to her sister. Make things right.

  Do what she’d promised her she’d do.

  All this tension—she knew it was her fault. Knew it, but hadn’t the first clue how to stop it. She turned on the tub, tested the water, switched it over to shower. Maybe it was because Kara was older, Elena supposed. She’d adjusted. She’d moved on. Elena hadn’t, and couldn’t see how she ever would.

  No, she decided, shampooing her hair.

  No, it was more than that.

  Kara’s relationship with Mom had always been easy. Fun. They’d been best friends. Elena had always been the one in the way. Her mother’s eyes had never crinkled at the corners for her but they had for Kara. Kara was a different person. Mellow. Easy-going. Nothing bothered her. Nothing upset her. But Elena? Elena could burst into tears or laughter and back again at a moment’s notice.

  You ruin everything, Laney.

  Kara’s favorite words. Elena must have heard them a thousand times. The first time she’d heard them, she’d been about eleven or twelve. Mom had taken them to the mall to buy Kara a cell phone. They’d looked and looked and Elena had helpfully compared all the features and picked out the best phone in the bunch. It came in purple—purple was her favorite—with a slide-out keyboard so she could text all her friends.

  But then Mom had said only Kara was getting a phone that day. It wasn’t fair—just because she wasn’t in high school like Kara didn’t mean she wasn’t special too. High school was still years away. And when Kara pointed to the pretty purple phone that should have been hers and even stuck out her tongue behind Mom’s back, Elena had snapped.

  In front of about a thousand people, she’d stamped her foot and screamed that it wasn’t fair that Kara got everything and got away with everything but all Elena ever got was yelled at. Mom had hustled them out of the cell phone store, called her bratty, selfish, and spoiled, and they’d left the store empty-handed. Back in the car, Kara cried. I won’t be able to text Bree and Jade and Cass because of you! You ruin everything, Laney.

  She finished her rinse, turned off the water and wrapped herself in a towel.

  Kara had never questioned Mom. When Mom had wanted something done, Kara had done it, no questions asked.

  Elena had been all about the questions. She’d loved Mom, more than anything—she loved her. But Mom had been so strict about every little thing and sometimes—okay, all the time—Elena had fought for more.

  I hate you for this! I hate you so much and wish you’d drop dead!

  She squeezed her eyes shut, tried to breathe over the fire in her chest, and put the memories firmly out of her head. When she emerged from the bathroom, dressed for the day, a coat of makeup for protection, she found Lucas in the kitchen frying eggs.

  “Where’s Kara?”

  “Gone.”

  “Gone?” Panic rose in her throat. “What? Where? She’s not supposed to walk—”

  “Relax. She didn’t. Someone named Cass showed up. They left about five minutes ago. Something about cookie day.”

  “Oh, Christ, she can’t do that.” Elena scrubbed two hands over her face. “Aunt Enza’s cookie days are marathons. She could pull a muscle. She could end up in early labor!” Where was her cell phone? The phone beeped as soon as she picked it up.

  I’m fine. Thought we could both use some space. I’ll be home tomorrow. Still love you.

  She called Kara. “Kara, honey, I’m so sorry.”

  “Laney, stop. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have invited you here. I know how you feel about Christmas and New York and Mom and I just needed you because I was stupid and in love and got pregnant and now I’ve blown it! I’m sorry,” Kara cried.

  Elena grabbed a paper towel off the rack over Kara’s sink. “No, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I shouldn’t have yelled and I’m sorry.” She wiped her eyes. “You’re not stupid. You trusted somebody and he hurt you. I’m the one who ruins everything, remember?”

  “Laney, sweetie, please. I need you to be part of my baby’s life. Without Mom—oh, Laney, I miss her so much. I want to be the kind of mom she was and Laney, I...” Kara’s voice trailed off for a moment. “I don’t think I can do that alone. Please, please tell me you’ll forgive me and stay?”

  “Forgive you?” Elena swallowed hard. “No, no, there’s nothing to forgive, Kara. Nothing! I’ll apologize to your friend. Luke’s been nothing but sweet to me and I dumped all my issues on both of you. Please come back.”

  She’d do anything—even do Christmas with all the trappings if it would make Kara smile. Anything except the stay part.

  “Oh, Laney.”

  Elena heard static.

  “Elena, can you hear me?”

  Cassandra had her on speaker.

  “Yeah, hi, Cass.”

  “Listen. I’m taking Kara out to Long Island so Aunt Enza can spoil her for a day. She needs it and so do you. Walk around the city. Cry. Scream at Ground Zero. Get it out of your system. When I bring her home, I need you to have your head on straight.”

  “Okay. I will. I’m sorry, Cass.”

  Lucas watched Elena end the call and toss the phone on the sofa beside her. He’d heard nearly every word the sisters exchanged before Elena hid in the bathroom, and applauded Kara for not putting up with it. But now, he could see the misery on Elena’s face and wasn’t sure what he’d walked into. He considered making up some excuse, making a fast exit.

  And then she looked up at him with those big soft eyes.

  “Lucas, will you sit down for a minute?”

  Well, there went his shot at a fast exit. He regarded her for a moment and nodded, then sat beside her on the sofa, putting his toolbox on the floor beside the table.

  “I owe you an apology. I—well, I have a hard time with people.”

  “Could try being nice.” The retort danced off his tongue before he could think twice.

  Elena flinched. “Like you?”

  His face clouded. “I’m not nice.”

  She looked at him sideways. “Oh, please. According to the SFG crew, you walk on water.”

  He considered telling her his darkest secret—the secret that proved he wasn’t nice at all. Instead, he held up his hands. “Look. I don’t know what Al and Therese and Debbie told you last night. I bought a couple of kids their lattes. Big deal.”

  Elena opened her mouth on
ly to shut it before she pissed him off all over again. “Thanks for building the crib. I owe you one for that and I’m about to ask you for another favor. If you don’t mind joining me while I run errands, I’ll make you dinner.”

  “Dinner, huh?” He blinked down at her in surprise. “Must be a hell of a big favor.”

  She huffed out half a laugh and shrugged. “Depends on your perspective. I—I—” To her total mortification, tears she couldn’t stop dripped from her eyes and her mouth just wouldn’t close. “I don’t want to make my sister cry again. I want to make things right and I don’t know where to go for all the stuff I need and even if I did, I’d be too scared to do it alone.”

  Luke rubbed his jaw, studying Elena. Scared, huh? That explained a lot. Actually, it explained everything. She’d left New York soon after her mother’s death and had avoided coming back.

  He remembered one day, soon after he’d met Almir, when they were walking downtown and Al had smiled and pointed across the street. A big tough muscle-bound guy had gotten off a Harley-Davidson to help pick up the food that some piss-ant kid on a skateboard had knocked out of an old lady’s grocery bag. “Sometimes, we’re afraid of the wrong things.”

  He’d thought about that for a long time and decided Al was right—sometimes grunge has a silver lining and sometimes solid gold is just painted lead. Maybe Elena just needed help knowing where to look.

  That, he decided as he stood up and held out a hand to her, he could handle.

  They began walking toward Church Street. The air was brisk and the day was bright. Lucas slid on trendy black glasses and his hat, and took her gloved hand in his, guiding her gently over patches of ice and little piles of snow that had gone gray from car exhaust.

  “You sure you don’t mind walking?” he asked while they waited to cross a street. “We could take the subway.”

  She shook her head. “I hate the subway.” She worried that he’d heard the note of fear in her voice and wasn’t letting go of her hand because of it. Damn, even through her gloves, she felt how cold his hand was. She sandwiched his between both of hers, rubbed briskly, and was rewarded with a quick grin—still devastating despite its brevity.