Sweet St. Louis

  She smiled it off. “I am hardly afraid of you.” Then she stood up to head for the door. But on her way to the door, she slipped up and looked at his wet, chocolate brown chest, and got caught staring.

  “Do you want to come back again?” he asked her.

  “For what?” she asked from the door.

  “Because you just looked at me like you were leaving something that you wanted.”

  She smiled, forcing herself not to be swayed by him.

  “You know what …” she commented with her palm up in a stop motion. But she couldn’t seem to finish her words. Flashing images of his towel dropping off, unleashing all of his brown maleness, stood in her way.

  “What? What do I know?” he asked her. “That you don’t really want to leave? I mean, you want to stay, but now you’re acting all nervous about it. I was nervous at first, too.”

  “Nervous about what?” she asked him. Her shoulder was against the door.

  “I was thinking, ‘Is she really coming over here? Does she really want to see me?’ And then you came. So don’t get nervous on me now. You a grown woman, right?”

  In the sport of boxing, there was a common thought that if you worked blows to an opponent’s body, the hands would eventually fall to where you could work the head and score a knockout punch. But in the sport of women, the pros went about it oppositely. They worked their blows to a woman’s head, and when her hands went up in a scramble of confusion, she left her body unprotected and vulnerable for attack.

  Don’t even listen to him, girl, Diane tried to tell herself. Just leave!

  He reached out his hand to her, still moist from the shower. “Come here.”

  She shook it off and said, “No, I have to go.”

  Ant smiled and asked, “How long are you gonna stand at the door, talking about you’re ready to leave when you know that you’re not.”

  “I am ready to leave,” she insisted.

  “Go ahead then. And make it fast before you change your mind. Because in a minute, I’m gon’ have to turn the lights off and lead you to where you really want to go,” he told her. By that point, Ant didn’t care anymore. He just wanted to get the temptation over with. Leave or stay!

  But then she lost track of her words. And before she could react, he gently backed her against the door and wet her lips with his. Then he slid his tongue onto hers. Right when she began to kiss him back, he slipped his tongue away, tickling it down her neck and back up to her ear to whisper.

  “Don’t you wanna stay? Tell the truth.”

  No, I can’t do that, she told herself. Since Ant could not hear her words, and did not want to, he clicked off the light switch beside her head and guided her hand through his towel. And as he continued to wrestle with her tongue, she caressed his wand.

  “Why are you doing this to me?” she asked him, noticeably aroused.

  Ant slid his moist hands under her blouse and up to fondle her twins.

  “Because you want me to?” he answered her.

  And it was the truth. She did. But not right then. She wanted him on her terms. At her time. Nevertheless, the moment was too powerful for her to deny. Her body told her that it was too late to turn away. So when he gently took her by the hand and led her through the darkness to his bedroom, she followed him without any resistance.

  “I don’t believe I did this,” Diane sat up and said out loud, less than an hour later. She sunk her face into her hands, pulling her knees up to her bare chest in shame.

  Who you tellin’? Ant thought to himself. I don’t believe I did this shit either. And now I gotta get rid of you to call my lady.

  “Do you feel guilty?” Diane asked him.

  “Do you?” he asked her back.

  Generally, guys felt guilty when they were caught doing wrong, and not much beforehand.

  Diane looked into Ant’s face and said, “Of course I do. I shouldn’t have done this.”

  Ant began to think about Sharron, wondering what she was up to, and how many times she may have called him while he was out with Tone, and then while entertaining himself with unplanned company. When he looked over at his clock, it read 10:49 P.M.

  He thought, Man, I gotta get her the hell out of here so I can make my phone call.

  “So, do you?” Diane asked him again, referring to his feelings of guilt.

  In the heat of the moment he said, “I feel guilty that I want you to leave right now.” And he did feel guilty about that. Because he was tired of having to push women away as soon as the heat had simmered. That was what made him realize how much Sharron meant to him. He wanted to hold her close when they were done. Hold her tightly and tell her … “I love you, girl. I love you!”

  Diane got the message and began to gather her things, dressing herself in haste, feeling miserable. Not only because their sex had been too fast and too meaningless, but that she could be discarded so soon after, with not even a hug or a kiss to keep her warm, if just for the short ride home.

  “Thanks for nothing,” she told him as she left. She said it not bitterly, but as a matter of fact. Ant knew just what she meant. Their sex had been next to nothing. It was only temporary, feeling good while it lasted, and then vanishing into thin air as soon as they were done. Ant sat up in his bed and felt empty all over again. He felt ugly inside. Wasted. Dirty. Dirty all over. The kind of dirt that could not be washed away, but had to be scrubbed from the inside out, and vigorously, until he was all cleaned out, which could take a very long time.

  “Damn, man! What the hell is wrong with me?” he mumbled to himself. “Tone did it to me again,” he added, starting up with the blame game. Tone had nothing to do with stripping Diane’s mind naked, and holding her body hostage to have his way with her. Tone did not have the ability to do that even if he wanted to. Ant had his own conscience to deal with. Few humans had enough ice water in their veins to ignore the heat of guilt. That’s what lawyers were paid for. But no lawyer could defend a man against his own conscience.

  In the dark lonely nights they spent alone, many men did feel the guilt of detachment. Yet, the brother in the barbershop was right. Diane had to know what she was getting herself into. She could feel it. And she let it happen anyway. It wasn’t all Ant’s fault. Nevertheless, Sharron was right as well, in the sense that Ant had led Diane to believe it was her decision to stay, when in reality, he had conned her out of leaving.

  Ant nodded his head, convinced, and made up his mind. “Yup. I might as well settle down with Sharron. I can’t take this no more. It’s killin’ me! I knew damn well that girl wasn’t supposed to be over here tonight! Now I gotta be on the lookout for her whenever I bring Sharron around. Damn that was dumb!”

  He stood up and walked to his telephone to retrieve his messages and to call Sharron. She had called him and left a message before seven, and there was another hang up closer to ten. He turned his ringer back on and prepared to make his call, surprised to find Tone on the other end of the line as soon as he picked up.

  “She still over there, Ant? Did you get with her?” Tone asked him.

  Ant thought about it and lied. He didn’t need Tone complicating things for him. “Naw, man, she left a while ago. She said she had a boyfriend, I had a girlfriend, and that was about it. But I tried.”

  “You told her you had a girl?” Tone asked. That wasn’t Ant’s style.

  “Naw, man, I didn’t tell her that, she just assumed that I did, and I didn’t deny it.”

  “Oh. In that case, it sounds like you didn’t really wanna do her.”

  “Yeah, I was too tired anyway,” Ant responded. “So what happened with you and her girlfriend?”

  “Who, Debi?”

  “That’s her name?”

  “Yeah, her middle name. She don’t like using her first name.”

  “What is it?”

  “She wouldn’t even tell me.”

  Ant shook his head and smiled. How can I have it so good and Tone have it so damn bad? he thought. “I didn’t kno
w they knew my name,” he commented.

  Tone said, “Yeah, they knew it. You popular around here and don’t even know it.”

  “Popular for what? I barely even hang out around here.”

  “Man, you know how it is when you move into a new ’hood and people get to talking about you. I’m about to be popular around here too, soon.”

  Yeah, popular for what? Ant thought. “Man, we too old for this neighborhood-reputation shit. That’s exactly what I’m trying to get away from,” he piped.

  “Anyway, man, I’m ’bout to roll up a fat one, relax, and think about the possibilities of my new crib,” Tone commented.

  “You gettin’ high tonight? Hey, man, we gotta get up early to take that truck back tomorrow morning,” Ant complained. “And don’t you go back to work?”

  “Shit, I’ll be aw’ight by then. How long you think this weed lasts?”

  Ant said, “You actually gon’ light up some weed on your first night in your new apartment?” It was a ridiculous idea.

  Tone laughed and said, “Damn right. I wanted to get some ass on my first night around here, but that girl started talking some shit about having a busy work schedule and some other shit. Then she started talking about she just came out of a relationship and whatnot. A bunch of bullshit, man. So I said, ‘Fuck it then. Let me just leave this damn girl alone.’”

  “And now you gon’ get high again,” Ant reiterated.

  “Are you hard at hearing or something? That’s what I said.” Tone went ahead and took his first toke while still on the phone.

  “Don’t call me back acting crazy tonight, man. And I’m serious about that shit, too,” Ant warned him.

  Tone laughed through his marijuana smoke and said, “Don’t worry. I won’t.”

  Ant hung up the phone and shook his head. “I really need to stop hangin’ out with that boy,” he told himself out loud. He got back on the line to call up his “lady.”

  Her roommate Celena answered.

  “Hello, can I speak to Sharron.”

  “What is this, the hot line for Sharron tonight or something? Who’s calling?”

  “It’s Anthony.”

  “Oh, how are you doin’?” she responded, changing her tone. That was a good thing. He was finally growing on her. “Sharron’s not with you?” she asked him.

  “Naw, I was with my boy Tone all night. I had to help him move into his new apartment. I didn’t get Sharron’s message until late.” A lie mixed with the truth was practically bulletproof. It was too hard to pick it apart.

  “Well, she didn’t leave me any messages, so I don’t know where she is right now,” Celena responded.

  Ant didn’t like the sound of that at all. “Aw’ight, well, tell her that I called when she gets in.”

  “Okay. I’ll do that,” Celena said, hanging up.

  That’s when Ant’s guilty conscience really began to play tricks on him. He asked himself, What did Celena mean by that “hot line for Sharron” shit? What if Sharron just popped up around my block and caught me taking Diane up into the crib or something? DAMN! Now she might be out there with another guy somewhere.

  Did men really cry inside and in the dark? Definitely! If I coulda, I shoulda, woulda was how men cried, and usually only after they committed their acts of stupidity. Because beforehand, they viewed themselves as invincible. So Ant was crying like a baby, twisting and turning inside with butterflies of a lost opportunity of love.

  “And I was just starting to get into this girl,” he told himself. “That’s just what the hell I get. I probably don’t even deserve her.

  “DAMN!”

  Right as he was about to lose his mind, Sharron saved him with her perfectly timed phone call.

  “Are you ready for bed yet?” she asked him. She sounded chipper, too. She wouldn’t have sounded that way if she had gone on a date with another man. Or at least from what Ant thought he knew about women.

  “Naw, why?” he answered excitedly, happy to hear her voice.

  “I’m not coming over there or anything,” she said with a chuckle. “I was just asking you.”

  “I wasn’t expecting you to come over. I’m just happy to talk to you. I missed you,” he told her, sounding like a little boy addressing his mommy.

  Sharron stopped laughing and said, “I missed you too.”

  “I didn’t get your message until late,” he told her.

  “Yeah, Celena told me.”

  “I was helping Tone move into his new apartment.”

  “She told me that too.”

  “I even had to rent a truck for him because he don’t have no damn credit.”

  “That’s why you left from work early?” Sharron asked him casually.

  “Yeah. You called me at my job?” he responded to her.

  “I wanted to get in contact with you so you could go skating with me. Or go somewhere. I just didn’t feel like being home tonight,” she answered. “So I went by myself.”

  “My bad. I’ll make it up to you next time.” And I might as well get used to her tracking me down, he told himself. When you hook up with a woman like Sharron, she’ll end up knowing everything about you. But that’s the way it should be in a tight relationship, just like I know everything about my boy Tone, and she knows everything about her girl Celena. Or not everything, but more than enough, he corrected himself.

  “So where did Tone move to?” Sharron asked him.

  “Right around the corner from me, on Louisiana Avenue. I don’t like that shit either. He’s too close for comfort.” And so is this girl Diane, he thought. I may have to move away from this area.

  Then his other line rang.

  “That’s probably Tone right now. And I told him not to call me back tonight,” Ant informed her. “Hold on for a minute.”

  He clicked over his line and was immediately bombarded by an angry woman:

  “Anthony, this is Debi, Diane’s girlfriend on Louisiana. And I just called to say that you’re a fucked-up individual! She told me what happened. And it didn’t even have to go down like that.”

  “Go down like what?” he asked her, gathering the facts before he could respond accordingly.

  “That y’all could just do whatever, and then you just kick her out like that. I mean, I’m not saying that it was a good situation to begin with on her part. But God! You could at least show a little human courtesy,” she told him. And she was right.

  “What’s her phone number?” he asked.

  “Why?”

  “So I can call her up and apologize to her,” he answered. He wanted to get off the line as quickly as he could to return to Sharron anyway.

  Debi agreed to it and gave him the number. When Ant clicked back over to Sharron he felt heavy with increased guilt, knowing that he would have to lie to her.

  Did guys pray when they were caught up in jams? Yes, they did. God, if I get out of this one, I’ll never do this shit again. I mean, stuff, Ant prayed.

  “So what did he want?” Sharron asked, referring to his friend Tone, and making it easier for him.

  Ant lied and said, “Nothin’. He was just calling me up with the same old nonsense. And he’s high now, talking about he thought he heard somebody messing with the truck outside his window. And the paperwork has my name on it. So I might have to go back around there and make sure it’s still in good shape for when we turn it in tomorrow morning.”

  Bulletproof again. Another lie mixed with the truth.

  Sharron said, “Well, it’s been a long day for me, too. I’m going to bed. So do what you have to do, and I’ll just talk to you tomorrow.”

  Perfect! Ant told himself. Now let me go ahead and tie up these loose ends so I can start off fresh tomorrow morning.

  First he called Diane.

  “Can I speak to Diane?”

  “Speaking.”

  “This is Anthony.”

  “I know,” she responded.

  “Well, I’m calling to say that I apologize to you for being ins
ensitive tonight. I didn’t mean it that way.”

  She paused. “How did you mean it?” she asked him. She even sounded hurt. Not tearfully, but angrily.

  He said, “Really, we weren’t even supposed to be in that situation. Like you said, we both have relationships already. So I meant it like … you know, we shouldn’t have even been there in the first place.”

  “Yeah, I understand,” she told him. There wasn’t much else to say, but Diane held the line, as if she was waiting for something else, a conversation of sorts. Ant knew what that meant. She still had feelings for him. Nevertheless, there was nothing he could do about that. He was going back to Sharron. For good! He no longer wanted to juggle extra women. Especially with one who lived so close by him. It was a disaster waiting to happen.

  At Diane’s hesitation Ant reiterated his reason for calling her. “So I just wanted to let you know that I apologize,” he told her again. “I don’t want us to become enemies or anything if we don’t have to be,” he added.

  “Especially for when your girlfriend comes over again, right?” she hinted.

  If he didn’t know any better, Ant would have thought that she was trying to pick a fight, just to keep him on the line with her. She would rather have any emotion from him than none.

  “I mean, what else do you want me to say?” he asked her. “It wasn’t like you didn’t say and do some things yourself that led us to where we went.”

  “Don’t try to blame this on me,” she argued. “You had some things on your mind before I even drove over to my girlfriend’s block to see you.”

  Ant got fed up and said, “Look, if you remember correctly, I didn’t even know who you were when I talked to you on the phone. So how are you gonna tell me what I was thinking? I just wanted to see what you looked like.”

  “And then once you saw what I looked like, you took it to a whole different level. And don’t act like you didn’t remember me either, because you did remember me. So don’t even try that.”

  Ant couldn’t believe it. He let himself fall right into her trap, having an argument just for the sake of arguing. Because once he hung up that phone, he had it set in his mind that he was moving on, and that was that.