Frog

  My aunt and my father have asked me to pass on their regards to you and your family.

  Northeast Gaomi Township welcomes you!

  Tadpole

  July 2003, Gaomi

  1

  Sensei, 7 July 1979 was my wedding day. I married a classmate from elementary school, Wang Renmei. With our long legs, we looked like a pair of cranes. Just the sight of her legs made my heart race. We met at the well one day when I was eighteen. When one of her buckets fell into the well, she walked around in circles, not knowing what to do. So I jumped up onto the wellhead and fished her bucket out for her. I was in luck that day, snatching it on my first try. Hey, Xiaopao, she said admiringly, you’re a master bucket fisherman. A substitute PE teacher at the elementary school, she was tall, had a long thin neck and a relatively small head, and wore her hair in braids. Wang Renmei, I stammered, I want to tell you something. What? she asked. Did you know that Wang Dan and Chen Bi like each other? She froze briefly, then broke out laughing. Xiaopao, she said between laughs, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Wang Dan is so little, and Chen Bi’s as big as a horse. They are a terrible match. She stopped, seemed to think about something, and started laughing so hard she actually bent over; and she was blushing. I’m not lying, I declared solemnly. If I was, I’d be a dog. I saw them with my own eyes. What did you see? she asked. You can’t tell anybody what I’m about to say. Last night after leaving the work points office, I heard some sounds in a haystack on the threshing floor. I went up to see what it was, and I heard Chen Bi and Wang Dan whispering things to each other. Don’t worry Brother Chen Bi, Wang Dan was saying, I might be small, but I have everything a girl’s supposed to have, and I promise I’ll give you a son. Wang Renmei bent over laughing yet again. Do you want to hear what I have to say or don’t you? I said. Yes, she replied, but hurry up. Then what happened? What did they do after that? I think they kissed. Nonsense! she insisted. Tell me how they kissed. I’ll give it to you straight, I told her. They kissed the way they’re supposed to. Chen Bi took Wang Dan in his arms, like he was holding a baby, and they kissed the way they felt like it. Wang Renmei blushed again. Xiaopao, she said, you’re a little hooligan! And so is Chen Bi! Wang Renmei, since Chen Bi and Wang Dan are dating, do you think you and I could become friends? Again she froze, and again she laughed. Why do you want us to be friends? You have long legs and so do I. My aunt says that if we got married, our child would have nice long legs, and we could train the kid to be an international champion athlete. You’ve got quite an aunt, she said, still laughing. Not only is she good at performing vasectomies, she’s a matchmaker as well. Wang Renmei picked up her water buckets and walked off. Her carrying pole rocked up and down with each long stride, nearly sending the buckets on the ends flying into the air.

  Years later, after leaving home to join the army, I heard that she and Xiao Xiachun were engaged. He was teaching language and writing as a substitute teacher in the agricultural school. One of his essays, ‘An Ode to Coal’, which was published in the newspaper Masses Daily, created a stir in our hometown. I had quite an emotional reaction to the news, because those of us who had actually eaten coal did not write any odes to coal, while Xiao Xiachun, who hadn’t eaten it, did. Renmei, it seemed, had chosen a mate wisely.

  When Xiao Xiachun was accepted into college, his father set off three strings of ‘thousand head’ firecrackers out on the street in celebration and hired a movie company to erect a screen on the school grounds to show three movies, one after the other. It was a display of arrogance the likes of which we’d never seen.

  As a decorated soldier returned from the Sino-Vietnamese Conflict who had received a commission as an officer in the regular army, I was visited by a host of matchmakers. Xiaopao, Gugu said, I’ve found the right girl for you. I guarantee you’ll approve. Who is it? Mother asked. My apprentice, Little Lion. She’s thirty if she’s a day, Mother said. Exactly thirty, Gugu confirmed. Xiaopao is only twenty-six. The older the better, Gugu said. They know enough to be caring.

  Little Lion’s fine, I said, but Wang Gan has been gaga over her for more than a decade. I can’t steal a girl from a friend.

  Wang Gan? Gugu remarked. He’s the proverbial toad wanting to taste the swan’s flesh. If there’s anyone Little Lion won’t marry, it’s Wang Gan! His father hobbles over to the health centre every market day, bent at the waist, cane in hand, to make a scene and blacken my name. And for years, mind you! He’s gotten no less than eight hundred yuan in nutritional expenses from the centre.

  That Wang Jiao, Mother said, is pretty good at faking things.

  Pretty good? Gugu railed. He’s a master of the art. He takes the money he extracted from me to the market to feast on braised meat and strong liquor until he’s drunk, at which time his back is straight and he zips around the market. Tell me why I’ve bumped into scoundrels like that all my life. Then there’s that bastard Xiao Shangchun, who damn near killed me during the Cultural Revolution, and now struts around like a lord and master, waving his palm-leaf fan as he enjoys the good life at home. I hear his son has tested into college. Is that right? What happened to the old saying that ‘good is rewarded with good, evil with evil’? The good people suffer, the rotten eggs live like kings, that’s what. People still get what’s coming to them, Mother said. It just takes time. How much time? Gugu asked her. My hair has already turned white!

  After Gugu left, Mother said, Your aunt has not had an easy life. Someone said Yang Lin came to see her after what happened, I said. That’s what she told me, Mother confirmed. By then he’d been promoted to the position of district commissioner, and arrived in a chauffeured sedan. He apologised to your aunt and told her he was willing to marry her to make up for his behaviour during the Cultural Revolution. Your aunt sent him away.

  As we were sighing over Gugu’s misfortunes, Wang Renmei came barging in the door. Aunty, she said to Mother, I hear that your Xiaopao is searching high and low for a wife. How about me?

  I thought you were spoken for, young lady.

  I broke it off, she said. He’s a latter-day Chen Shimei, the storybook character who deserted his wife when he became a high official.

  Mother said, How could he drop you just because he’s going to college?

  He didn’t drop me, Renmei said, I dropped him. So he’s going to college. What’s the big deal? Firecrackers, movies, I’ve never seen such insolence! Xiaopao’s better than that. He’s an army officer without having to blow his own horn. As soon as he came home, he went into the field to work.

  You’re too good for Xiaopao, young lady, Mother said.

  I guess we’re going to have to ask Xiaopao what he thinks, Aunty. Xiaopao, what do you say – I’ll be your wife and present you with a champion athlete son.

  You’re on! I said, gazing at her legs.

  2

  The weather was bleak on my wedding day. Dark clouds gathered as thunder rumbled. When the thunder ended, a downpour followed.

  Yuan Sai said he’d picked a fine, auspicious day for you to get married, Mother complained, but what we got was flooded streets.

  At ten o’clock Wang Renmei arrived during a cloudburst in the company of two female cousins. In their raingear they looked like dike control volunteers. A plastic tent with a stove inside had been thrown up in our yard. I was on my haunches stoking a fire with a bellows to boil water. My cousin Wuguan (Facial Features), who was known for speaking his mind, said: What’s a hero of the self-defence-counterattack conflict doing crouched down by a stove to heat water when his bride-to-be has arrived? Then come take my place, I said. No, your mother put me in charge of the firecrackers, which will require all my skills in this rain-squall. Wuguan, Mother called from the doorway, stop the idle chatter. It’s time for the firecrackers. He reached under his coat and removed a string of firecrackers wrapped in plastic. After he lit the fuse, he held the string in his hand – no pole for him – opened an umbrella, and leaned out into the rain to set them off. The pounding water kept the
gunpowder residue from spreading beyond him. Wuguan, kids cried out as they clapped their hands and stomped their feet, all soaked to the skin, Wuguan, you’re turning green! What are those pathetic excuses for children shouting? Mother remarked.

  This is how it was supposed to happen: the bride was to say nothing as she entered the house and went straight to the wedding chamber, where she sat on the kang to wait, what’s known as ‘sitting in bed’. But Wang Renmei stopped as soon as she was in the yard to watch Wuguan do his thing. His face was blackened by the firecracker residue, as if he’d stepped out from a stove. That made her laugh. She ignored the tugs on her sleeves by the bridesmaids. Her high-heeled plastic shoes made her taller than ever, tall and straight as a tree. Wuguan looked her up and down. Anyone who wants to kiss you, good Sister-in-law, will have to stand on a ladder! he quipped. Be quiet, Wuguan, Mother demanded. You’re a moron, Wuguan, Wang Renmei said. Wang Dan and Chen Bi don’t need a ladder when they kiss! Hearing the bride trading quips with her soon-to-be brother-in-law in the yard had the older women whispering among themselves. I emerged from the tent with my coal shovel. Our hero has emerged! the clapping, stomping kids cried out. Here’s our hero!

  I was wearing a new uniform, with a Merit Third Class medal pinned to my chest, my face as black as soot, coal shovel in hand, looking like a freak of nature. Wang Renmei doubled over laughing. I was so confused I didn’t know whether to laugh or to cry. She seemed to be losing her mind. Take her inside this minute! Mother insisted. Madam, I said to Renmei with dripping sarcasm, the wedding chamber awaits. It’s too stuffy in there, she said. It’s nice and cool out here. Ao! Ao! Ao! the clamouring kids shouted. I ran inside, grabbed a gourdful of sweets, then stood in the doorway and flung them down the lane. When the kids swarmed over to fight for them in the mud, I grabbed Renmei by the wrist and pulled her inside, unfortunately banging her head with a loud thump as she went through the low door. Ouch! she complained. Damn you, you’ve cracked my head open. The older women laughed so hard they were rocking back and forth.

  The room was too small for so many people. We could hardly turn around. The three young women took off their dripping raingear, but the only place they could hang it was over the door. The floor was wet to begin with, and the muddy soles of their shoes had made a real mess. Piled high at the head of a kang barely two square metres were four new quilts, two bed mats, two woollen blankets, and two pillows, all from Renmei’s family; they nearly touched the ceiling. The moment Renmei sat down, she shouted, Damn, this is no bed, it’s a frying pan!

  This comment so incensed Mother that she banged her cane on the floor. Frying pan or no, you sit there! We’ll see if it manages to cook your butt.

  That too made Renmei laugh. Xiaopao, she said under her breath, your mother has a great sense of humour. But if my butt really does get cooked, how will I give you your champion athlete?

  I was so mad I was getting dizzy. But I couldn’t show it on such an auspicious day, so I reached out to touch the bed surface. It burned my finger. All the aunts and grannies in the family were expecting to eat, so the stove never had a chance to cool down – steaming buns, stir frying vegetables, boiling noodles – until the bed mat nearly melted. I took one of the quilts from the pile, folded it into a square, and laid it on the bed against the wall. Madam, I said, please take your seat. She giggled. Xiaopao, she said, you’re a riot, calling me madam. Follow local customs and call me daughter-in-law or, like you used to, Renmei. I didn’t know what to say. With a crazy bride like her, what could I say? My sarcasm in calling her madam had gone right over her head, and she didn’t realise I was unhappy with her. All right, I said, Daughter-in-law Renmei, please take your seat. With help from the two bridesmaids, I took off her shoes and her soaked stockings so she could climb up onto the bed. She immediately stood up, her head nearly touching the ceiling. In that cramped little room, she looked taller than ever, so tall the calves of her crane legs seemed to disappear. And her feet – they were almost as big as mine – two large, bare feet dancing on a little kang. By custom, the bridesmaids were supposed to sit next to the bride, but there was no room, so one of them stood by the wall, the other sat on the very edge of the kang. To show off, Renmei stood on tiptoes to see if she could touch the ceiling with her head. It was all a game to her – walking on tiptoes in circles and jumping up and down to bump the ceiling with her head. With her hand on the doorframe, Mother stuck her head in. Daughter-in-law, she said, if you ruin the kang, where will you sleep tonight? If it’s broken, she giggled, I’ll sleep on the floor.

  At sunset Gugu came over for dinner. Gugu’s here, she called out as she walked in the door. Isn’t anyone going to welcome me?

  We ran out to greet her. We didn’t think you’d be coming with all that rain, Mother said.

  She had come with an oil paper umbrella, her pant legs rolled up, and bare feet, shoes tucked under her armpits.

  You couldn’t keep me away from the wedding of my nephew the hero if knives fell from the sky, Gugu said.

  I’m no hero, Gugu, I said. I’m only a commissary officer, in charge of cooking. I’ve never laid eyes on an enemy soldier.

  Commissary officers are important. Men are iron, food is steel. If a soldier doesn’t get enough to eat, how’s he going to face an enemy charge? Now get me something to eat, so I can get back in time. The river’s swelling and if it swamps the bridge I’ll be stuck.

  That’ll give you a chance to rest here a couple of days, Mother said. It’s been a long time since we’ve had a chance to talk. You can tell us stories tonight.

  Not tonight, Gugu said. The Political Consultative Congress is meeting tomorrow.

  Xiaopao, did you know your aunt received an official promotion as a member of the standing committee?

  Did you say official? Gugu said. More like adding rotten goji berries to a plate just to fill it up.

  Gugu walked into the western room, sending all the people into a flurry of activity. The ones sitting on the kang tried squeezing together to make room for her. Stay where you are, she said. I’m leaving right after I have a few bites.

  Mother told my sister to make a plate of food for Gugu, who went over, took the lid off a pot on the stove, and took out a corn muffin. It was so hot she sort of hissed as she tossed it from hand to hand. Finally she split it open, put some steamed pork with rice between the two halves, folded them back, and took a bite. Um um, she said. I don’t need a plate, she said, or a bowl. This is the way I like to eat. Ever since I’ve been working at this job I haven’t eaten more than a few real sit-down meals.

  Let’s have a look at the wedding chamber, she said as she ate.

  Renmei was sitting on the windowsill – the kang was too hot for her – reading a children’s book by light coming in through the window. She was giggling.

  Gugu is here, I said.

  Renmei jumped down and took Gugu’s hand in hers. Just the person I’ve been looking for, she said. And here you are.

  What is it?

  Renmei lowered her voice. I hear you have some kind of drug I can take to make me have twins.

  Where did you hear that? Gugu said with a frown.

  Wang Dan said so.

  A nasty rumour, Gugu managed to say as she choked on the muffin. She coughed, her face turned red, and she drank the water my sister rushed to hand her. She thumped her chest a couple of times. There’s no such drug, she said, but even if there were, I wouldn’t hand it out to anyone.

  Wang Dan said a woman in Chen Family Village took a pill you gave her and had twins, a boy and a girl, Renmei said.

  Gugu stuffed the half-eaten muffin into my sister’s hand. Damn, that makes me mad! she cursed. I can’t tell you how hard it was to get a baby out of that little witch Wang Dan, and she has the nerve to go around spreading rumours. I’ll split that shitty mouth of hers the next time I see her.

  Don’t get mad, Gugu. I nudged Renmei’s leg with my foot. You just shut up! I said under my breath.

  Ouch, damn
you! Renmei said with excessive drama. You almost broke my leg.

  You can’t break a dog’s leg! Mother said angrily.

  You’re wrong, Mother, Renmei said insistently. Xiao Shangchun broke the leg of my second uncle’s dog with his steel trap.

  Xiao Shangchun, who had returned home after his retirement, spent most of his time brutalising living creatures. Arming himself with a fowling piece, he went around shooting birds, all kinds of birds, even magpies, which the villagers considered harbingers of good luck. He’d put up a mist net, with holes so tiny even inch-long fry could not get through, to catch them. And he’d set powerful steel traps in the woods or in the graveyard to catch badgers and weasels. A dog belonging to Renmei’s second uncle had its leg broken when it carelessly stepped into one of his traps.

  Gugu’s face darkened when she heard the name Xiao Shangchun. That evil man, she said through clenched teeth, deserves to be struck by lightning. But no, he lives the good life, with fine food and drink. He’s healthy as an ox, which just goes to show that even the heavens are afraid of that louse.

  The heavens might be afraid of him, Gugu, Renmei said, but I’m not. If you need a wrong revenged, I’ll do it for you.

  That made Gugu happy. She laughed. I’ll tell you the truth, I was opposed to my nephew marrying you at first. But I changed my mind when I heard that you broke off your engagement with Xiao Xiachun. She’s got spunk, I said. So he’s going to college, so what? The Wan family children will all go to college, and not just any college, but Peking University, Tsinghua University, Cambridge, and Oxford. And not just undergraduate degrees either, but MAs, even PhDs. They’ll be professors and scientists and champion athletes!

  Then give me the drug that’ll let me have twins, Gugu. That way I can double my contribution to the Wan family’s legacy. The news will probably kill Xiao Xiachun!