Conduit

  Taking a deep breath, he touched Celia’s arm to get her attention. “Hey, why don’t we take a walk?”

  “I’d rather not.” She stiffened and stared at the tent like she could see straight through it to where Griffin lay oblivious to everything, including Celia, which bothered her greatly.

  “You standing out here, pacing isn’t going to accomplish anything or make Griffin get any better any faster.” He tugged at her arm, and this time she reluctantly followed.

  As the two of them headed off, Lev looked over at Clarissa and found her watching him, a frown contorting her expression into something unreadable. Still, Lev didn’t have long to glean any insight in her feelings as Riley and Evan suddenly appeared and struck up a conversation with her. Her expression went blank, and she looked at them, her gaze not quite leaving Lev.

  Lev wanted to know what that might portend. Part of him didn’t care. He’d have a chance to ask Evan later. That would have to be enough, so Lev and Celia kept walking. That way, at least they’d have a few moments to talk.

  When they’d finally found themselves a little quiet, Celia glared at him instead of the lake they found themselves near.

  “You know, I really don’t think I need the lecture you’re about to give me.”

  “Really?” Lev looked out at the lake—the surface appeared like a wide glass rim, smooth and untouched.

  “Really.” She folded her arms across her chest.

  “Look, maybe I’m not the one to have this conversation with, but I don’t see anyone else stepping up. I just want to know why you refuse to tell Griffin you’re in love with him.”

  “It’s not a good time.”

  “It’s never going to be a good time, and you know it. You think you’re strong in not telling him—that you’re somehow saving him from something bad—but I saw the way you held him when we thought he was dead. All of us knew exactly what was going through your mind.” He shook his head as images of that moment flooded back to him. “Probably the biggest reason Evan fought so hard to save Griffin was because he couldn’t stand the thought of what such a loss would do to you. Do you understand of that?”

  “Enough.” She turned away, and he wondered if she were crying.

  “Is it?” He gripped her arm, forcing her to face him. “You think this pain is bad?” he asked as he saw the tears. “That watching him fight to survive is hard? What happens if he dies before you tell him how you feel? How do you think you’ll live with that kind of loss?”

  Immediately her shoulders caved in, hollowing her out. She started forward and stumbled, but Lev caught her, and when he felt her trembling with the tears she couldn’t contain, he wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly to him, wishing he could fix all the broken places in her heart as she had done for him so many times before, but even had he still been an angel, some things stood outside the realm of possibility, and this was the best he could offer.

  When Celia finally calmed and slowly withdrew from the shelter of Lev’s arms, she wiped the tears away. “You’re right. I just didn’t expect this—any of this. It was never supposed to be like this.”

  “Who does?” Lev raked his fingers through his hair, trying to calm his own frazzled nerves. It would help if he could stop going through a mental checklist of all the bad things which might’ve happened—and all the things which could still happen.

  Celia took a cleansing breath and stared out at the water. “It’s a beautiful night.”

  “Yes,” Lev agreed. “It is.”

  “Do you think the girl knows anything that can help us?” Celia pushed the hair from her face.

  Lev shrugged. “I don’t know. She seems pretty scattered.”

  “Really?” Celia frowned. “Well, just a heads up. I kind of get the impression she likes you.”

  Uncomfortable, Lev stiffened and tried to go through his dealings with Clarissa to see if in hindsight he might agree. He didn’t. She was just a frightened teenager in the middle of a supernatural mess. That was it.

  “She’s been through a lot.” He kept his tone even, hoping doing so might prevent his sister from pressing the point. He didn’t want to draw any more attention to it than necessary.

  As Lev stared up at the sky, a shooting star crossed the heavens in a streak of white light. Lev once again wished only for Elizabeth, not that he believed in the power of a shooting star to grant wishes. No, he just believed in hope. Glancing at his sister, he saw that she, too, watched the sky, and he knew exactly what she wanted. Deep down, he hoped that in spite of everything, she was granted it.

  “We should probably get back,” he said, nodding at the camp. Celia nodded and followed his lead.

  Heading back into camp, they found both Riley and Evan waiting for them—Evan definitely much more patient than Riley. Celia, however, didn’t bother meeting with them. Instead, she went directly to Griffin’s tent to check on him.

  Once she’d vanished, Lev studied their determined faces and didn’t bother with small talk.

  “What did you find out?” he asked Evan.

  “Clarissa doesn’t remember a lot,” the angel admitted, “but she seems to think she can help us get to where the main nest of dybbuks is. It’s not too far from here.”

  Although Lev was grateful for the information, he really hadn’t expected it, not considering how frightened the girl had been.

  “So when do we go?” Lev raked his fingers through his hair, already wondering if this place might be where Elizabeth had been taken. It made sense, considering why the dybbuks had taken her in the first place—to use as a conduit.

  “Tomorrow morning,” Riley confirmed.

  “Tomorrow?” Lev burst out, his eyes bulging as anger surged through him. “Why are we waiting?”

  Silently, Evan pointed to the tent where Griffin lay as silent and unmoving as a stone.

  “Can’t you do something to heal him more quickly?” Lev shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He’d been so close this time, only to have to stop and wait yet again, which made him wonder if she’d just be taken from him before he could get to her.

  “Don’t you think if there were I would’ve already done it?” Evan asked, a slight edge to his voice. “I was barely able to keep him alive, and the fact that he should be able to travel tomorrow is no small miracle.” He gave Lev a look that suggested he calm down.

  Lev knew his father was right. It just hurt to keep waiting and wondering. “Do we just keep going through this until we can’t find her or something else happens?”

  Riley frowned. “It’s just a matter of a few hours, Lev. If she’s there, she’ll probably still be there. We have to hold our position until morning.”

  Although Lev knew Riley was right, the thought brought no comfort, and rather than get into it, Lev just walked away, heading to his tent. It wasn’t so much that he thought he’d be able to sleep, but that he needed time on his own. It was all just too much.

  On the way, he peered toward Carissa’s tent, but she must have disappeared inside; there was no sign of her. Perhaps, he thought, that was probably better considering the gist of the last conversation he and Celia had shared. He didn’t think the girl was fixated on him, but he certainly didn’t know how to deal with that—if he were wrong. No, the best thing for him was his own tent, where he could shut the rest of the world out—for at least as long as it would be shut out.

  Long after Lev had lain down and closed his eyes, hoping sleep would claim him, he found himself wide awake, haunted by the stillness surrounding him, so complete it stifled his breath. The only things which seemed to bring even a moment of peace were thoughts of Elizabeth during better moments—moments he’d hoped and prayed would last forever.

  But they hadn’t, and now he was here, alone, tormented with how desperately wrong things had gone—and could yet go. He seemed to have become the poster child for such things.

  So many times as an angel he’d heard humans bitterly lament the unfairness of their circums
tances. This, however, was the first time he’d understood what that meant—how that feeling could consume you and burn you to the core

  He might’ve just gone on railing against a fate he neither wanted nor deserved, but deep in the pocket of stillness around him, he heard someone cry out.

  Clarissa. He might’ve known as much, and even though he knew he should go to her, part of him held back, knowing he was his own jumbled mess of pain and confusion. What could he bring to the table to help her in light of that?

  The sobbing grew louder, and that made it difficult to ignore. She could go on crying all night, or he could just go into her tent and try to help her make peace with whatever demons she faced. Considering he probably wasn’t going to get any sleep, he might as well try to do something.

  With that thought in mind, he took a deep breath and sat up slowly. He listened for a few more minutes, and when the girl sounded no closer to winding down, he stood and headed her way.

  As he’d expected, her tent was unzipped, and even in the moonlight he could see her lying on her side, half curled into a ball. Her whole body shook, and she took in shuddering gasps that tore through him. What had the dybbuks done to her and quite possibly Elizabeth? That thought horrified him beyond measure.

  Perhaps that was what had really drove him here—the burning desire to learn what had happened. Unsettled, Lev took a deep breath and slipped into the tent and knelt over her. As he reached to gently shake her, his hand trembled. Inasmuch as she was clearly gripped by a horrible nightmare, he found himself reluctant to wake her. It was only when her whimpering grew louder and he couldn’t take it that he forced himself to nudge her.

  At first, she seemed not to recognize that anyone had even touched her, but then, as he shook her a little harder, she stiffened and gasped, and her eyes flew open. She opened her mouth to scream, but Lev sensed it and slid his hand over her mouth to keep things quiet

  “Easy.” Lev kept his hand in place until her wide eyes narrowed a bit, hinting that perhaps she was calming down, enough so Lev could slowly withdraw his hand.

  Even so, he felt her tears on his skin. The moonlight pooling through the mesh-covered windows highlighted her wet cheeks, and suddenly he felt guilty that he’d been so reluctant to check in on her and had probably only come because he believed she had more information.

  “You all right?” he whispered, knowing full well she wasn’t, but he didn’t have a clue what else he could say.

  “I keep seeing their faces, feeling them as they creep into my mind and take over my body.” Her voice broke, and she burst into a wave of fresh tears that silenced her amid shuddering waves of pain that made her roll into a ball, trying physically to drive away her fears.

  “I’m sorry.” He stroked her hair, trying desperately to think of something that would take the edge off her fears and let her get through this. Nothing came to mind.

  “I can’t make it go away.” She looked up at him with haunted eyes, and Lev nodded in understanding, wishing he could somehow make it all better.

  “I’m sorry.”

  She nodded and slowly sat up, trying to breathe, but it all seemed like too much.

  “You need to lie back down,” Lev suggested.

  She shook her head wildly. “I don’t want to. I don’t want to go back to the darkness where they reach for me—where they own me.”

  “Shh. It’s all right.” She was crying again, and he wrapped his arms around her.

  Considering the way she pressed herself against his chest, he must’ve done something right. No, they couldn’t stay this way, but maybe this would, in some small way, help.

  She draped her arms around him, pulling him closer as though afraid to let go.

  Reluctantly, he stroked her back, waiting for the calm that had to be coming. Her breathing slowed, and maybe soon he could let her go. Maybe.

  Somehow, she must’ve sensed his intentions; her grip tightened, and he started to say something when she twisted slightly so she could look him in the eye. No matter what he said, it wouldn’t change her feelings. Some things just defied words, and if words couldn’t do it, he wasn’t sure what he had to offer in their place. Carissa, however, had something in mind.

  Without warning, she leaned close and pushed her soft lips against his. At first, he just sat there, numb and confused, but then, as she tried to deepen the kiss, he found himself responding, which horrified him.

  Gasping, he pulled away and scrambled from her, his mind reeling with what had just happened.

  “What are you doing?”

  Carissa wrapped her arms around her body, and even though she looked something like Elizabeth, she wasn’t. Elizabeth was the only person he’d ever loved. She was the only one he would ever love. Her lips parted in horror as though she’d suddenly realized what she’d done, and even had she wanted a way to take it back, there was no undoing it.

  “I…I’m sorry.”

  Lev raked his fingers through his hair, trying to stop the avalanche of feelings tumbling through him—starting with guilt. He should’ve known better, should’ve seen this coming. Celia had even tried to warn him, for all the good it had done.

  “I know you’ve been through a lot,” he murmured, staring at the ground. He couldn’t even look her in the eye. “But this isn’t right. I don’t feel that way about you.”

  Frowning, Carissa nodded woodenly and looked down at Elizabeth’s shirt, which she still wore. Her fingers traveled over it as though trying to figure things out by feel. “Why? What’s wrong with me?”

  “Nothing.” Lev felt himself slipping deeper and deeper into a panic he couldn’t fight. How had he stumbled into this nightmare? “It’s not about you. There’s someone I’m in love with.” His voice came out strangled even though he tried to reign in all the emotions whirling through him, threatening to tear him apart.

  “Oh.” She wiped the tears from her face. “Who is she?”

  “The girl who once wore those clothes. We’re looking for her.” He flinched. “She was taken from me.”

  Her fingers drifted over the shirt, and Lev wasn’t sure he wanted to know her thoughts right then.

  “I should probably go and get some rest.” He kept looking away.

  “I didn’t mean to upset you,” she said. “I won’t do that again. Just please don’t leave. I don’t want to be alone.”

  “I know what you feel, Clarissa,” he said, eyeing the entrance. “But even though you feel alone, you aren’t. You’re surrounded by people who care about you and will do whatever it takes to get you through this. My father will see to that.”

  He took another deep breath and headed for the door, his mind still spinning over what had just transpired. No, he hadn’t started any of this, but when the time came, how could he ever explain this considering how it twisted his insides all around until it hurt to breathe?

  “I’m sorry,” Clarissa said even as he slipped away, and in his peripheral vision he saw she was still watching him, waiting for him to change his mind and stay.

  He took a step toward his tent, but he knew that would be a mistake. He’d just be dragging all the debris of the train wreck he’d just experienced with him. No, right now he just needed to clear his head and get ready for going into battle tomorrow.

  Although he knew it probably wasn’t wise, he walked away from the small cluster of tents and out toward where the night was good and dark and all Lev could see was a world of stars dancing overhead. Looking up at the bright and glorious heavens, he wondered if Elizabeth could see the stars like he did or if they even mattered to her anymore. Did he even matter?

  “Where are you?” He looked up. He lifted his hand to his mouth and wiped at his lips as though his doing so would erase what had just occurred. He just needed Elizabeth back and everything would begin making sense again.

  It had to.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Although Lev tried to sleep after that, he found himself constantly tossing, feeling out of place, out
of time. Everything was all wrong and messed up, and when the sun finally came up, he felt fatigue washing over him as though he hadn’t slept in months. He was trying to remember the last time he’d slept like a normal person.

  His stomach rumbled unpredictably, probably more from the acid eating through it than actual hunger, but the effect was the same. Sighing, he forced himself to get up and sort through the pack Riley had given him, grateful when he happened across a few snacks to tide him over through the madness ahead, and when he’d finished eating, he tore down his tent and packed it away beside the duffle with his sword.

  His second battle as a human—now that was something to look forward to. Perhaps he could just get through this one better, like the fighter he needed to be.

  “You’re up awfully early.”

  Lev turned sharply as Evan ambled up to him, appearing as tireless and perfect as usual. Time and all the human chaos seemed not to touch him.

  “I had trouble sleeping.” Lev rubbed the back of his neck where a cramp nagged at him, telling him he should have tried sleeping in a different position.

  “I can’t imagine why.” Evan scanned the other tents. “It’s not like you have a lot of things on your mind right now.”

  “Yeah.” Lev swallowed hard, dreading the conversation he was about to have. “Listen, maybe we should just get the information from Clarissa and send her away.”

  Evan shook his head. “Nice thought, but even if that seemed like a good idea, we both know there’s no place to send her. She’s got no one to go home to, no one who has reported her missing, and she’s pretty messed up.”

  The frustration deepened as Lev thought about facing yet another day after what had transpired last night. “She really doesn’t need to be here. She could get killed.”

  “Perhaps,” Evan agreed, “but until she’s fully able to face what has transpired, the best place for her is with us.”