Dream a Little Dream

  My phone vibrates in my pocket – I grab it and see it’s my brother.

  ‘Max,’ I croak, picking up the phone, surprised to hear how awful I sound now that I’ve spoken above a whisper for the first time today – the emotion of last night gripping my throat so tightly that my voice is on lockdown.

  ‘Morning, Aunty Sarah,’ he yells gaily, his voice booming down the phone line.

  ‘Ouch,’ I moan, the noise bashing against my aching head. ‘Morning to you, too.’

  I hear a snigger on the line.

  ‘Wait! What?’ I scream stopping on the pavement, suddenly hearing what he’s said. ‘The baby’s here?’

  ‘Yes, little Mavis Rose is here. She arrived about twenty minutes ago,’ he says, choking up.

  ‘Oh my God!’ I scream, continuing on my walk to the Underground. Even though we’ve all been waiting for the little one’s arrival for the past nine months, I can’t help but feel shocked that the day’s actually arrived. ‘I love the name! What’s she like?’

  ‘She’s so tiny and beautiful,’ he gushes.

  ‘Who does she look like, you or Andrea?’

  ‘Dad actually.’

  ‘Dad?’ I scoff.

  ‘A pretty version,’ he states, his voice telling me he’s wearing a ridiculously goofy new-dad grin. ‘I’m in awe of her. She’s perfect.’

  ‘So you’re already wrapped around her little finger?’

  ‘Happily so,’ he laughs.

  ‘And how’s Andrea? How was it all?’

  ‘I can’t even tell you how amazing she was. I’ve never seen anything like it.’

  ‘Did you watch, then?’

  ‘Of course I did. It was the craziest sight I’ve ever seen – I still can’t get my head around it,’ he says in a high-pitched voice.

  I can’t help but laugh at the thought of my brother witnessing his child being brought into the world. He’s always been so squeamish, so I’m surprised to hear he hadn’t fainted and stayed horizontal while Andrea did all the hard work.

  ‘Have you told Mum and Dad yet?’

  ‘Thought I’d call you first – otherwise Mum would’ve put Dad on and called you herself.’

  ‘Ha! I’ve no doubt she would,’ I laugh, a tear streaming down my face as I think of their reactions when they hear the news that they’ve been made grandparents overnight. ‘Are you okay though?’

  ‘Yes. Better than yes.’

  ‘When can I come meet her?’ I ask.

  ‘As soon as you like. We’ll be here for the rest of the day, at least,’ he says. ‘I’d better go call them now, but, Sarah, life is so fucking incredible.’

  ‘It is,’ I say, my voice catching in my throat as I say it.

  I’m outside The Barge Café by the time Max hangs up. I stop and sit on one of their benches as a whirlwind of emotions gets the better of me. I weep a mixture of happy and sad tears. Happy ones for my brother and Andrea for the safe arrival of Mavis Rose and the life they’ve started together, and sad ones for my gorgeous friends who’ve had their new life snatched away from them. The two scenarios are worlds apart, and I can’t help but feel awful for them happening so close together. When I feel happy for Max, I see the look of anguish on Carly’s face and hear the sound of the gut-wrenching duet of sobs that leaked through the walls of her bedroom throughout the night.

  Unable to stop myself, I bury my face in my arms and let a tirade of tears fall, not caring that I might draw attention to myself, not even thinking about passers-by.

  I’m full on sobbing when I feel a hand on my shoulder and an arm reach around, pulling me into an embrace.

  It’s only when I smell the familiar scent of Issey Miyake that I realize it’s Dan.

  I instantly feel myself stiffen.

  ‘Sorry,’ I sniff, unable to stop my sobs or steady my breathing, as I try to pull away and wipe the tears from my face.

  ‘Shh,’ he says, pulling me tighter into him so that my head is on his chest.

  I don’t fight to wriggle free from the hold that I once knew so well; instead I take warmth from it, and feel myself slowly melting into it, letting him comfort me.

  ‘You okay?’ he whispers, once my breathing has slowed down.

  I exhale in reply, and break away from him so that my body is no longer against his, although I let him take hold of my hands and cradle them.

  ‘I’ve heard,’ he says quietly, his blue eyes pained. ‘Josh phoned me last night when he was on his way back – think he needed someone to talk to while he was driving, to keep him calm.’

  ‘You spoke the whole way?’ I sniff, rubbing my nose with the back of my hand.

  ‘We got cut off a few times,’ he shrugs, pulling a tissue out of the pocket of his hoodie and handing it to me.

  ‘Thanks. You’re not on your way to work?’ I ask, noticing his jogging bottoms and trainers.

  ‘No. Didn’t really feel up to it today … thought I’d go for a run instead.’

  ‘Right,’ I nod.

  He lets out a big sigh and readjusts his beanie hat with one hand, the other grabbing hold of mine again.

  ‘Poor Carly and Josh,’ I mumble, my thoughts staying with them.

  ‘How were they last night?’

  ‘Awful. I feel so bad for them,’ I say, shaking my head at the memory. ‘I just wish I could make it all disappear for them. Yes. Okay. We all knew they were going to have a struggle on their hands and that it wasn’t exactly the picture perfect set-up – but they would’ve made it work. I know they would’ve.’

  ‘He wasn’t at his parents last night,’ Dan says, biting his lip, wanting to tell me whatever he knows, but feeling guilty for doing so.

  ‘Where was he, then?’

  ‘At her parents’ house, asking for permission to marry her,’ he says sadly.

  ‘Shit,’ I say, holding back a fresh stream of tears.

  ‘Yeah. How’s that for a come-down of emotions.’

  ‘Imagine him driving home, thinking he was going to, and then …’ I say, unable to finish the sentence, weeping at the thought of our cuddly Josh when he received that devastating call from Carly.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘That’s just awful.’

  ‘Me and Lexie went through the same thing,’ Dan says quietly, swallowing hard, suddenly developing a dry mouth from starting up this thread of conversation.

  ‘Yeah?’ I say, feeling myself tense up and not really wanting to know more.

  ‘Only Josh knew about it. It was right after we – you know.’

  ‘Split up,’ I reply flatly, saying the words for him – watching as a young mum power walks past us behind her Bugaboo pram.

  ‘Yeah’ he says, following my gaze before looking down at the ground. ‘We hadn’t even been together long and things were still awful between you and me.’

  ‘They were never awful.’

  ‘Only because you boxed away all your feelings and pretended it wasn’t happening,’ he says calmly, his brow gently knitting together at the memory.

  ‘I never did that,’ I lie, causing Dan to shake his head at me.

  ‘Lexie was only six weeks gone when it happened,’ he says after a pause, looking up at me. ‘And, although I felt awful about her and the baby – I felt worse about the fact that I didn’t know her. That I found it difficult to talk to her about what I was feeling.’ He looks down at our hands and covers the tops of mine with his. ‘All I actually wanted to do was pick up the phone and call you,’ he says quietly.

  ‘Me?’

  ‘You knew me. You’d know to just let me speak when I was ready, to let me stew in my own misery for a little bit. She didn’t know me. She wanted to talk about everything and send our prayers up into the sky on a fucking paper lantern,’ he says, jokingly huffing at the thought, although unable to hide his pain.

  ‘She’d have been hurting too,’ I say.

  ‘I know, and worse than me. It killed me that I didn’t know her well enough to take that hurt away.’

>   ‘Well, you know her well enough now,’ I say, offering a sad smile, not entirely sure what to do with this new information about a time that wounded me so badly, but feeling my barriers drop as a result of his honesty.

  ‘I’m sorry I was such a shit to you, Sarah.’

  ‘You weren’t,’ I lie again.

  Dan raises his eyebrows at me in response.

  ‘Okay, you were.’

  ‘Cheers,’ he nods and half-laughs. ‘I’d have made it right, I’d have tried – only that all happened and I got side-tracked.’

  ‘It’s understandable,’ I shrug. ‘It’s in the past now.’

  ‘But it’s not. Is it,’ he whispers, his fingertips stroking the top of my hand, stirring a tenderness between us that’s been buried for the last two years.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I croak, suddenly realizing this is the first time I’ve been alone with Dan since he broke my heart – and not entirely sure how I feel about it. Part of me wants to run away, but the other wants me to stay and listen to whatever he feels he has to share – and he knows that. He’s got me as his audience, so he pounces, while he’s got the chance.

  ‘I want you to stop hiding everything that’s bubbling away inside of you. I want you to give me all the abuse I deserve. I want us to be – ’

  ‘To be what?’ I shrug, exhaling a quick breath. ‘We are all we can be.’

  ‘But I need you to forgive – ’

  ‘Dan,’ I say, stopping him, not wanting to go there, not wanting this to turn into a big dramatic chat where I pour my heart out and cry ugly girl tears to someone who’ll run back to their future wife as though nothing’s changed. But I’m also nervous of the anger that’s mounted inside me, and that it’s going to charge at him like the monster I’ve been becoming in my dreams.

  I don’t want to become that irrational beast.

  ‘But I need you to forgive me,’ he tries again. ‘There’s always this thing, this uncomfortable, unspoken thing – yes, you’re all lovely and bubbly on the surface, but you forget that I know you.’

  ‘You knew me,’ I correct him. ‘You knew me and you decided to leave me.’

  ‘But I want my friend back,’ he begs.

  ‘I’m still here, aren’t I?’

  ‘I know it’s awkward. I know I’m a shit for loving someone else and not hiding that fact.’

  ‘You shouldn’t have to hide it,’ I tut.

  ‘But I hurt you. I see it. I notice you watching and it’s like a dagger in my heart. A constant reminder of what I did to you.’

  ‘Dan, please,’ I say, squeezing his hand, wincing as I watch the agony on his face.

  ‘I just don’t know what I can do to make it right.’

  I take a deep breath, exhaling slowly as I think about our past, present and future.

  ‘Just love the girl you left me for with all your heart and never hurt her,’ I say, managing some kind of a smile. ‘Never let her go. Then I’ll know what you put me through was all worthwhile.’

  Dan hangs his head, raises my hands to his lips and kisses them before clutching them to his heart.

  This time I lean forward and give him a hug.

  We sit there in an embrace for a few moments and I feel my anger wane. A huge part of me will always love the guy in my arms. Yes, he’s a total twat at times and has done some heinous things to me, but he’s also someone that I cared for for a very long time and who I shared so much with. Seeing as he’s going to be in my life, whether I like it or not, I should probably let myself see the good again, rather than recoil in horror whenever he’s near.

  Just being there with him, in this less hostile manner, causes a literal weight to be lifted. I could say I wished we’d talked months ago about our situation, but I don’t think I was ready to hear it then. Now I am. Now I know that if I open my heart again, it won’t be sadly longing for Dan’s affection, instead it’s moving forward.

  ‘I can’t believe we’re having this chat today,’ he exhales, breaking away from our hug and rubbing his hands along his cheeks. ‘I was an emotional wreck already.’

  ‘Same,’ I say, wiping my face once more, breathing out a puff of air as I think about everything that’s happened in the past twelve hours. ‘I’d better get going.’

  ‘You heading into work?’ he asks, looking surprised.

  I nod. ‘Carly’s got Josh there with her today. Wanted to give those guys some space.’

  ‘You could always come over to mine if you don’t fancy going in? Lexie would understand if you wanted somewhere to go,’ he adds, letting me know it’s not a scandalous offer.

  ‘Actually, I think keeping busy will do me good. Plus it’s manic there,’ I say, standing, not entirely sure that the setting of their happy home is where I’d like to be today either – even if we have just patched up our troubled friendship.

  ‘Of course. Well, I’m going to go for a run and continue to skive,’ he says, also getting to his feet.

  ‘Right, well you have fun,’ I say.

  We stand awkwardly, looking at one another, unsure how to say goodbye.

  ‘Thank you,’ he says, gently pulling me close, softly giving me a kiss on the cheek.

  I close my eyes and receive his love.

  I squeeze his hand and turn on my heels before the tender gesture makes me burst into tears.

  ‘I’ve been wondering where you’d got to,’ says Jonathan when I eventually get to the office half an hour later than normal.

  ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ I say, turning from my desk to face him.

  I must look awful because his expression suddenly changes to one of fear – probably worried I’m about to ugly-girl wail in the office and cause a scene, meaning he’d have to bumble around trying to offer some sort of awkward comfort.

  ‘Ah, no problem. I’ll be in here,’ he mutters, widening his eyes at Julie before turning back into his office, removing himself from the situation.

  ‘You okay, love?’ asks Julie, looking concerned.

  ‘Not really. Rough night.’ Pause. ‘Carly,’ I say in way of explanation.

  She instantly gets it and offers a sympathetic look. ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

  ‘Boardroom?’ Real Brett swiftly asks/suggests/guides as he walks past with a coffee in his hand.

  ‘Erm,’ I sound, looking at my desk.

  ‘I’ve got the Christmas stuff sorted, don’t you worry,’ says Julie, almost reading my mind. ‘Jonathan’s mentioned about booking a few rooms for people as treats – you and me included – so I’ll get on to that and see if anyone else wants in.’

  ‘Nice,’ I mutter in a daze, as I retrieve the notebook from my bag and follow Real Brett.

  ‘Thought you might want to hibernate in here today,’ he says, pulling out a chair for me to sit in and handing me the cup of coffee.

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘And before it plagues you, I guess we should address the elephant in the room.’

  ‘What’s that?’ I ask, getting ready for him to talk about Carly and what happened last night.

  ‘Yes, I did stay after you left and I did eat a katsu. I even had some salted edamame … and duck gyoza. Just don’t judge.’

  I smile at him before making my face serious again. ‘I see. Well, that’s disappointing, Brett.’

  ‘Thought it was best to be honest.’

  ‘You’re right.’

  ‘Actually, I also had the chilli prawns,’ he adds guiltily, biting on his bottom lip.

  ‘Wow, quite a feast,’ I smile, wondering how he manages to keep in such great shape with his questionable diet. I eat a single slice of cake and instantly put on a stone, whereas he seems to constantly stuff his face with treats.

  ‘And I know what else you’re wondering. You’re wondering whether I managed to get a selfie with Walter White. Well, no. With you there it would’ve been fun, but on my own it was geekish.’

  ‘Oh damn, you missed out on your chance.’

  ‘I thought about it, but some dude g
ot in there before me and was a total blow-out, doing impressions to the poor guy’s face – at least we did ours behind his back,’ he says incredulously. ‘Thought it was best to leave it because I would’ve undoubtedly been a total fangirl slash moron.’

  I know what he’s doing. He’s being extra light and breezy to distract me from my thoughts. I admire him for doing it, considering he’s only known me for a few weeks.

  ‘Thank you,’ I say.

  ‘What for? Not getting the picture? That would’ve seriously earned me some credit with the boys at rugby.’

  ‘No … for being sweet.’

  ‘You mean my natural self?’

  ‘Yes … if that’s what it is.’

  ‘There’s only one Brett Last. Well, actually – it’s a common name. There’s probably loads of us,’ he shrugs, looking bashful as he goes to the shelf and pulls down the pile of travel guidebooks we’d been searching through the day before. ‘Time to disappear to somewhere new …’

  I grab the Rough Guide to Melbourne and turn to the page I’d left it on the previous night. ‘On another note, I became an aunty today,’ I tell him, part of me wanting the world to know that a very special little lady has arrived and feeling extremely proud of my brother and sister-in-law. ‘My brother’s wife had a little girl called Mavis Rose.’

  ‘Well how’s that for juxtaposition?’

  ‘Tell me about it.’

  ‘When are you going to go meet her?’

  ‘Today at some point,’ I smile, feeling the stirring of mixed emotions in my gut that have been gurgling away all morning.

  ‘Why don’t you go now?’ he asks with a shrug.

  ‘I couldn’t do that.’

  ‘We’ve got ten people we want to meet to see if they’re right for the project. If I book some appointments in this afternoon we can say we’re both there. I don’t mind doing them on my own – providing you trust my judgement.’

  ‘Erm …’

  ‘I’ll film them so that you can watch it all back,’ he offers with a smile, letting me know that he’s not too offended that I’m sceptical over his ability to interview old people without me.

  I sigh, not knowing what to do.

  ‘What’s wrong?’